the gravity of the rainbow

Chapter 12

01
The daily life of the family is unshakable, and it goes on again and again.The giant wheel of habit rolls rumblingly, rolling over all disputes, like a ruthless cement mixer truck, whether it is mud, earth or stone, all discordant things can be stirred in, mashed into pulp, and finally become incomparable. hard concrete.

Isn't the process of growing up also a process of pouring?

At this critical juncture, the will of the parents retreated, as if a major strategic shift had come.Both Li Mingzhu and He Dalu showed remorse.The next morning, Caihong woke up and found hot soy milk and her favorite fried buns on the table.The whole family said "good morning" to each other as if nothing happened.Traffic news was playing on the radio, and He Dalu said that the weather was getting colder, so he told Rainbow to wear more clothes.As usual, Li Mingzhu handed Rainbow a lunch box containing her favorite braised pork ribs.

Both parents had a hurt but forced smile on their faces.

"I'm leaving." Rainbow stuffed the lunch box into the schoolbag, feeling very uncomfortable.

"We're going out to exercise, and I'll drop you off by the way." The couple actually sent her downstairs and then all the way to the station, watching her get on the bus.

Rainbow fled to school.

Ten minutes before the first class, Caihong found that the door of Guan Ye's office was ajar, the lights were on inside, and there was a draft blowing through the crack of the door.Caihong poked her head curiously and found Guan Ye sitting on a wicker chair with a cigarette in one hand and a pen in the other, correcting the paper.Besides her usual computer, there is also a cup of tea on the table.

Whenever she ran into Guan Ye, she always looked extremely elegant and relaxed.Among the people he knows, Caihong has never seen anyone who lives as lonely and self-admired as Guan Ye, who acts like no one else.Caihong, who just entered the school, was as keen as the seniors to discuss the private life of the tutor, observe her bedroom, study the colleagues she interacted with, and even search for the emotional life of the professor from the essays she published in her early years.It's a pity that there are no clues.Regarding Guan Ye, apart from elegance and leisure, as well as the books she wrote, the classes she taught, and the papers she published, there is nothing more interesting to the busybody.Seeing that she had noticed her, Rainbow hurriedly said hello: "Morning, Teacher Guan!"

"Morning." Guan Ye pointed to his tea and said, "I was given a big bag of Lipton black tea, do you want to try it?"

"Is there any milk?"

"There's condensed milk, in the fridge."

Rainbow took her teacup to the hot water room and filled half a cup of boiling water, then went back to Guan Ye's table to make a cup for herself, and took a sip, it was very sweet.

"Mr. Guan, I have a question for you."

"I have class right away, I'll give you 3 minutes."

"I know two men, they both treat me very well, one can get along well, but unfortunately has no money; the other doesn't get along very well, but is very rich." Rainbow said, "Who should I choose?"

Guan Ye took a puff of cigarette, blew a smoke ring out of the window, looked back at her, and smiled lightly: "How are their figures?"

"Which part do you mean?"

"The part that attracts you."

"The one with no money is more attractive to me."

"Isn't it just short of money?" Guan Ye lit his cigarette, "Why don't you earn more money yourself, and enjoy the man who attracts you happily?"

Rainbow smiled wryly: "But... my parents disagree."

"You know, in India, people train elephants like this." Guan Ye said while packing up the test papers, "They tied the newborn baby elephant to a small tree with a chain. After a few months, the baby elephant When it grows a little, they tie it to a bigger tree. When it grows a little bigger, it will be replaced with a thicker tree..."

Rainbow stared at her blankly.

"With the weight of an elephant in tons, there is actually no tree that can really tie it up." Guan Ye said, "However, the chain is already in its mind, and the thickness of the tree is irrelevant. Therefore , an adult elephant can tie it to any tree—because it's used to being restrained."

A golden light flashed in Rainbow's mind.In fact, she understands the truth, but she doesn't know what she is afraid of.She was not afraid of the chain, but of the hand on the other end of the chain.

Returning to his office with milk tea in his hands, Rainbow found that Ji Huang had arrived at some point.Strange, he didn't have class today, actually he didn't use it.

"Morning," she said.

"Morning." Ji Huang came over, stared at her, and asked, "What's wrong? Your eyes are swollen like this?"

"... Allergies." She stepped forward gently, "Help me see if my eyelids are red? Maybe it's rubella?"

"No." He touched her face and kissed her eyelid lightly, "Don't worry, I will work hard."

She sighed in her heart, knowing that people can't pretend to be confused.Everyone can't choose their origin, but Ji Huang has suffered from cold eyes and suffering for this. Those who love him should not add to this burden.

She grinned and gave him a happy smile: "Why are you here so early, is there a meeting today?"

"No. Come and revise the students' papers."

In order to fulfill her promise, Ji Huang has helped her correct two batches of ancient literature test papers, so that Rainbow can spare time to prepare for the upcoming doctoral exam.Rainbow embarrassingly hugged a large stack of papers on the table: "No, no, this is my job, I can do it myself."

"It's better for me to do it. I correct it quickly, and the comments don't hurt the students' self-esteem."

She glared and said, "Hey! What do you mean, did my comment hurt someone's self-esteem?"

"Come here, let me read a few words for you to listen to," Ji Huang took out a copy and read, "The structure of this article is acceptable, but the opening is not strong enough. There are too many examples to describe, and the connection between arguments and evidence is not clear enough. .”

I took another copy and read: "I have read this novel, and I know this story, student ××, do you need to tell it again from beginning to end in your thesis?"

"...don't play with terminology, define when citing."

"...Although your writing is very long, I really can't find the main point, and I don't know what you want to talk about."

Well, well, Rainbow thought, I admit that some papers just get worse and worse.No matter how good the patience is, it will be worn out by the irrelevant papers.Rainbow sighed and said, "Correcting papers is physical work, and it will come out on fire after correcting. Really, I assure you, I am already very polite." After finishing, pointing to the rain outside, "I can't change the paper in this kind of weather. I have to wait for the sun to come out, otherwise it will affect my mood."

Ji Huang couldn't help laughing: "So you still depend on the weather when you work."

"No!"

“As an educator, I despise people who can only work in sunny days and not in rainy days,” he said. “Work is work, and you have to treat it professionally.”

was criticized again.Well, is this called a boyfriend?I just found myself a mentor.Rainbow rolled her eyes disapprovingly, but Ji Huang reluctantly pulled her to sit down at the table, took out a test paper, and said patiently: "Students nowadays have strong self-esteem. I can also find a few things that can be praised, such as the opening is good, the example is very appropriate, and the analysis is in place. Remember one thing: always praise three and criticize two. The praise is better than the criticism Many, so that students have confidence in themselves and are willing to accept criticism later."

Rainbow said with a bitter face: "Look for the good points in these children's papers—Mr. Ji, you are making things difficult for me. Occasionally, there are a few amazing papers. As soon as I read them, I know that they are not written by students, but copied. These children also Really, are they the only ones in this world who know Baidu?"

"Don't say that. Generally speaking, there are always a few good students in each class. The current students are only children, and the criticism should be constructive."

Rainbow pulled out a test paper: "Okay, this is my revised comment: 'This article has a loose structure, cumbersome discussion, lack of evidence, too many terms without understanding it, and the conclusion is novel but not very convincing.' Tell me about it Look, what kind of constructive law?"

"I think that every comment is a letter, so it's best to have a title instead of putting yourself in a position of authority. What's the name of this student?"

"Tang Shunsheng."

"You can say this: Mr. Tang Shunsheng, the detailed discussion of the thesis shows that you have worked hard on your thinking, and the use of terms shows that you have certain theoretical knowledge. If you can further strengthen the structure of the article and add more powerful arguments, your conclusion It will be novel and inspiring to readers."

Rainbow blinked and said, "Isn't that the same as what I told you?"

"The tone is different. I am positive and encouraging, while you are negative and offensive. That Tang Shunsheng must like my comments more. Of course, I will not write so simple and abstract that people can't figure it out. I will be more specific. : For example, if the structure is loose, I will tell him which part is loose; if the argument is insufficient, I will also point out which argument is insufficient. This will have a clearer guiding significance for students' next writing, right?"

Rainbow put a large stack of examination papers in his arms on him, and said with a playful smile: "I have to write so many and so specific, Teacher Ji, how tiring it is, you should correct it."

After that, he walked out the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Ji Huang asked.

"I have to go see Teacher Cui." Rainbow said.

"The one upstairs?"

"Yes, Cui Dongbi. I heard that this year's theoretical class of the doctoral exam was written by him. I will find out. The old man is also engaged in deconstructionism, and he also engages in Lacanism. He is neurotic all day long." After all, she felt that there was something wrong. Alluding to Ji Huang's suspicion, he laughed dryly again.

There are quite a few professors in the Department of Literary Theory, and they are all tough and do not buy each other.Ji Huang nodded to show his understanding, and couldn't help frowning: "No way? Are you also afraid of professional courses?"

"Know yourself and know your enemy, and you can win a hundred battles. What's more, I have exam phobia, and I often perform abnormally."

Ji Huang looked at her helplessly and sighed.

Cui Dongbi's office is on the fifth floor.When he was young, he was talented and suave, and he was once a powerful figure in the academic circle.It is a pity that Aiko died in a car accident when he was 17 years old. Hearing that the scene of the accident was terrible, Cui Dongbi was greatly stimulated and became a completely different person, and his wife also divorced him.Since then, he has become the only "professor in class" in the department, and he must come to the office every day no matter whether there is a class or not.In class, I only read my own lesson plans, and I don’t talk to any students. Students ask questions and never answer them. I always say “read the book by myself”.Exam questions are extremely difficult and biased, and the pass rate is extremely low.The students had great opinions, but the department did not dare to offend him.He has written a lot, and various funds are counting on him to support the table, and no one dares to say anything.

In short, a man of God.

Caihong didn’t take Cui Dongbi’s class when he was an undergraduate, and even avoided Cui Dongbi’s class when he was a graduate student. This time he heard that he had a question and immediately panicked.It is very easy for an expert like this to fail a student in the exam. Cui Dongbi is so weird, he really fails and has no sense to speak of.Rainbow felt that he had to tell the truth, even if he couldn't get it out of the range, he had to be familiar with it, and hoped that he would be merciful.

I don't know why the corridor on the fifth floor is so long and the light is so dark. Cui Dongbi's office is at the end of the corridor.But the light above the head was broken, and the rainbow became darker and darker, and I felt so gloomy that I couldn't see my fingers.

When she reached the door, she knocked politely, and a voice inside asked, "Who are you looking for?"

Rainbow said loudly: "Excuse me, is this Teacher Cui?"

The door flung open, and a strange smell gushed out.

Rainbow was startled, because the lights inside were not turned on, it was dark, and it was vaguely discernible that a few sticks of incense had been lit.

Cui Dongbi stood by the door with sunken eyes and dark eye sockets, like a ghost.

"I, I'm He Caihong, I'm in...the Department of Contemporary Literature." Caihong stammered.

"Are you Guan Ye's student?"

"correct."

The Great God actually knew her and ignored her, Rainbow couldn't help being happy for a while.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"I...I applied for this year's doctoral exam, and I want to ask you some questions about the theory class..."

"Boom!" Without knowing what was going on, the door suddenly closed.Fortunately, the rainbow receded quickly, otherwise the forehead would have been smashed by the door panel.

She yelled in her heart: Teacher Cui, you can't be so ruthless!

Fleeing back with a green face and a white face, Ji Huang was correcting the paper.

"How is it? Did you find out what's true?" He asked.

Rainbow said with lingering fear: "Oh, everyone says that Cui Dongbi is crazy, but I don't believe it. I want to run into a wall, what a fool!"

Ji Huang smiled, but didn't speak.

The more Rainbow thought about it, the more angry he became: "You said, he won't remember me just because of that? I don't ask to know the scope of the exam, I just ask him not to fail me based on his impression." Pacing up and down.

"Don't think too much, Teacher Cui is a reasonable person, it can be seen from his knowledge. If your answer paper is excellent, he will never fail you - this is the most basic morality of a teacher. Mr. Cui His temper may be a bit weird, but he will never be willful, and the school will not allow him to behave like this."

"That's what you said," Rainbow stared, "If he loses his temper and judges me to fail, I will fight him. You must know that the job of a bad guy is like killing your parents..."

"It's good to be nervous. It's not a bad thing to review carefully. Your strength is text analysis, and your weakness is theoretical speculation. Old Cui is likely to come up with purely theoretical questions."

When Rainbow heard this, she became anxious: "It's over, it's over, I'm afraid of this! You just said now, the exam is less than half a month away." After that, she took out a copy of Derrida's " "On Grammar" suddenly turned up.

Ji Huang snatched it away: "I just started watching it at this time, isn't it too late?"

"Mr. Ji, how about... you tutor me?"

The phone on the desk rang suddenly.Ji Huang picked up the receiver and answered a few times, then put down the phone and said to Rainbow: "The secretary has something to do with me, I'll go back as soon as I go."

When he came back, his face was serious, he closed the door lightly, and said in a low voice, "Honghong, I'm afraid we can't share this office."

Rainbow asked in surprise, "What happened?"

"It's no big deal. The department recently...maybe two newcomers are coming in, so it's not convenient to share the office, so I can't open this opening. The secretary said that the new teaching assistants are not assigned an office. If they really need a break at noon, they can go to the activity room .”

His words seemed measured.Obviously, the secretary said something else, and it was not convenient for him to say it.

"The shared office was approved by the secretary, and it's justified. Why recruit newcomers?" Rainbow turned to reason, "No, I have to ask."

Ji Huang grabbed her and said, "Don't go."

"I've only been here for less than half a year. Who did I offend?" Caihong sat down for a second, then couldn't help but rushed out, heading for the secretary Chen Ruifeng's office.

As if expecting her to come, the door was open.Chen Ruifeng pointed to the sofa in front of him and said, "It's Xiao He, please sit down."

"Secretary Chen, Ji Huang said that I can't share his office. Regarding this matter, I want to clarify that I never made my own claim. This is the decision of the department. Teacher Zhao Tiecheng asked me to get the key."

After a moment of silence, Chen Ruifeng said: "Xiao He, you and Xiao Ji are both new teachers. Men and women are different. Sharing an office will cause gossip, which will not be good for you and Xiao Ji's reputation."

"Who? Who's talking nonsense?"

"Someone reported that Mr. Ji used his authority as an instructor to force you to establish a relationship with him other than a colleague."

"Who reported it?" Rainbow became angry, "Ms. Ji never forced me to do anything, who is spreading rumors? Who is it?"

Chen Ruifeng looked at her and thought it was very interesting. After a long time, he said: "So, you and Xiao Ji... do have a relationship other than colleagues?"

"Yes," Rainbow confessed, "Ji Huang is my boyfriend."

Chen Ruifeng took a sip of tea slowly, and said, "Xiao He, you are an outstanding graduate of this department. Teacher Ji is the talent I spent a lot of time in Beijing to snatch. I have high expectations for you all. Young I don't care how people get along, I just hope that you can start well and end well, and don't make gossip, let alone make any noise. Otherwise, even if the department wants to protect you, there is nothing you can do. Do you understand what I mean?"

Rainbow stiffened its back and said, "I understand."

"It's better not to share an office with Xiao Ji, to avoid suspicion. Besides, you are already colleagues, and you meet almost every day. Do you still have to share an office when you are in love?"

"I..." Rainbow opened his mouth, feeling powerless to defend himself, so he could only say, "That's fine."

Standing up and about to leave, Chen Ruifeng finally added: "Xiao He, about you and Xiao Ji... you need to communicate with your mother."

Understood.Since elementary school, Li Mingzhu has always called Caihong's teachers to ask about trends, grades, and report the situation. She firmly believes that in order to manage children well, we must unite with teachers who manage children well.During the four years of university, Mingzhu got very close with Caihong's counselor, and during the graduate school, she would give Guan Ye snacks and gifts during the holidays.Mother knows herself so well, Rainbow has nowhere to escape, so she has to be a good student.

After graduating with a master's degree, she finally worked, Rainbow thought, now Li Mingzhu can't find a teacher who takes care of her, right?Well, people stopped looking for teachers, and went to the secretary.

Helpless, helpless!Rainbow took a deep breath, and the soles of her feet were cold.

02
After returning to the office to discuss with Ji Huang, he did not dare to give Mingzhu up, so Caihong decided to hand over the key: "The secretary still means to love us, so let's keep a low profile."

In fact, they were just correcting papers, chatting about papers, drinking tea, having lunch and so on.Everyone is not on a shift system, and there is not much time to appear in the department at the same time.Whether it is Ji Huang's theoretical teaching and research department or Rainbow's modern and contemporary teaching and research department, the proportion of female teachers is very small, and everyone is busy with their own work, so there is no gossip.

A little blow is nothing.They went to the cafeteria to eat together, and then went to the back mountain of the campus, each carrying a bottle of mineral water, and walked along the wild path stepped on by pedestrians in the mountain.

In late autumn, the maple leaves are like fire, and rows of doctoral buildings of antique buildings can be discerned in the distance, and the blue cornices are like a flock of swallows flying through the shadows of the trees.Fengshui lovers say that the Ph.D. tutoring area is backed by mountains and rivers, and faces the sun in the south. It is a rare geomantic treasure of F University, and it has always been reserved only for the best scholars representing the strength of the university.Rainbow visited a few times when I was in graduate school.Although the doctoral building is well-decorated, it is not as gorgeous as people imagine.The color of the corridor is very dark, blocked by the mountains, and the lighting is not good, but the back of the building leads directly to the mountains, which can be described as full of atmosphere.

Rainbow patted Ji Huang on the shoulder: "Ji Huang, have you seen those red buildings?"

"I see. What's the matter?"

"If you work hard to move in, I will have a good house to live in."

"What kind of building is this, you yearn for it so much?"

"Doctoral building! Four rooms, two halls, and a small garden."

"Can you live in such a big house?" Ji Huang found a big rock and sat down, not paying attention.

"I can live, I can live, the bigger the better. In the garden at the back, I planted an osmanthus tree and raised a daffodil. I put a table and two wicker chairs in the middle. We just sat in the backyard to enjoy the cool and drink tea. Lie down and watch the meteor shower together..."

Ji Huang was drinking water and almost spit it out: "Mr. He, you have been studying feminism for a long time. After studying it, you still pin your hope of getting rich and prosperous on men. Could it be that what you study has no effect on your outlook on life?" Don't you have any inspiration?"

"No. It's like that Virginia Woolf who writes novels full of feminist consciousness and works as a maid without shame. It's called professional feminism. It means that the people who do it don't believe it, I’m just selling ideas and earning money to support my family.”

"Then what is the difference between what you believe and romance novels?"

Rainbow was startled, then dumbfounded.In fact, she was just joking, but Ji Huang took it seriously.Rainbow thought to himself, if I believe that, I will still be in love with you.Can't help teasing him again: "There is no difference. Hey, don't you think I'm a philistine and disappoint you?"

Ji Huang remained silent.

"Tell me, what do you believe?" She rolled her eyes and threw the question back.

"I believe in labor. I like manual labor, and I wanted to be a construction worker for a while." His answer was very strange. "When you are working, you can forget a lot of things."

The sunlight filtering through the branches casts a deep shadow in the socket of his eye, giving his profile a bit of a 30s black-and-white look.Caihong always felt that Ji Huang should smile more, he smiled very innocently.But he is melancholy most of the time, as if he has hidden a lot of thoughts.

A thought flashed by, and she felt sorry for him again.Thirsty, she looked for water in his backpack, but found a round bottle, took it out and saw that it was the asthma spray.

"Do you still carry this thing with you all the time?" She asked curiously, "Do you rarely have asthma attacks?"

"I haven't had it for more than three years, and I rarely have it in adulthood."

"But you still carry it every day just in case?"

"My mother made me have to take it with me," he said. "If she found out that I didn't bring it, she would be very nervous and very angry."

"Really?"

Ji Huang's family photo and the pale, gloomy woman in the photo immediately appeared in Rainbow's mind.She noticed that every time Ji Huang mentioned her, his voice was extremely soft, and a rare smile would appear on his face.The relationship between mother and child must be very deep, right?

"Yes, when I was a child, my mother was always worried that I would die...it's the same now. Every time she calls her, she never forgets to ask if I have any spare medicine with me."

"Then did your mother beat you?"

"there has never been."

"My mother once beat me up once, and it left a deep impression on me. When I was young, I was very disobedient. I was a famous naughty ghost in our building. I couldn't find a shadow during the day and refused to sleep at night. My parents are both working, that's all. I worked hard for my salary, trying to show off, but I was exhausted when I got home, and I refused to be quiet, which tormented them a lot. My mother once asked a grandma downstairs to help me take care of me for three days So I went on strike, saying that I almost set the house on fire by playing with matches secretly. My mother was so angry that she beat me hard. It was the first time I was beaten."

"You're really naughty." Ji Huang said, "Your mother must have been pissed off."

"What about you? Are you naughty?"

In the impression that Ji Huang seldom talked about family affairs, he retorted quickly: "We have three sons in our family, can we not find them?"

"Then your mother doesn't beat the child, so what do you do?"

"Who said children must be beaten?"

"Corrective punishment of children is of course not good, but people in that era were too busy and poor, so there was no good temper or good things left for children." Caihong sighed.

"Every generation has difficulties from generation to generation. We should try our best to understand rather than hold grudges."

"My mother spoils me. She has a very violent temper. She changed a lot for me. I never blamed her for it."

Suddenly they fell silent again.Topics about family and childhood seemed difficult to penetrate.

"Ji Huang, can you tell me about your father?" Rainbow boldly said, "I want to know more about you."

"My dad passed away very early." His tone was very flat, as if he was narrating an outdated news, "He died in a coal mine accident."

"Are you... um... very sad?" She said cautiously.

He didn't answer, but suddenly said, "I'm hungry."

"Are you hungry?" Rainbow was puzzled.

"Let's go down the mountain."

Three months passed unknowingly.

The Rainbow family entered a state of cold war, and the specific form of the cold war was Xuezang. No one mentioned Ji Huang again, and the man who was in love with Rainbow didn't seem to exist.Daily life is going on step by step. He Dalu leaves the car in the morning and evening, Li Mingzhu goes to work from [-] to [-], and Rainbow also devotes all his body and mind to the doctoral examination.This kind of on-the-job exam is actually a directional training. As long as you pass the English test, there will be no problem with the quota.Caihong was originally very sure, but because Cui Dongbi, who is known as the "tear gas bomb", wrote the question, she did not dare to take it lightly.

Sure enough, the three-hour theoretical test made her almost overwhelmed. Everyone in the room was scratching their heads, and the more anxious they became, the more they couldn't write, and they almost hanged themselves with a rope.As soon as the rainbow came out of the examination room, he scolded Ji Huang: "Damn! The questions Cui Daxian gave this year are definitely the most difficult in history. Only one hour is removed from the examination questions, and he also asked me to combine Habermas, Derrida, and Foucault. Let’s talk about Butler’s performance, and ask me what’s the difference between performance and performance, and what’s the special meaning in feminist criticism. It made things difficult for me, everyone in the room was dumbfounded, and there were long and short sighs in the room. This year is really fleeting Unlucky, why am I so unlucky!"

Ji Huang looked at her leisurely: "It's not that serious, is it? Even if you don't know how to answer, just talk nonsense, you will always write the test paper full?"

"Don't worry," Rainbow said, "I can talk nonsense. Habermas hasn't read it, and everyone else knows the general idea. However, I really don't know how to answer this question. I'm just doing Tai Chi on the paper. Others can be fooled, but Cui Daxian will definitely not be fooled, and it is estimated that forty points will be deducted from me. Wuwuwu, I will fail the exam."

The more she thought about it, the more frustrated she became, she kicked hard and kicked a ball of grass on the ground into the air.

"Then do you know how to answer now?" Ji Huang asked.

"Who cares about the answer after the exam. It's a mule or a horse, so I don't care about the answer." Rainbow muttered, "Stop talking about the exam with me."

"Then how do you do it? In fact, this is a very basic question, and you are doing this direction. I was surprised when you said you couldn't do it."

"What do you mean! I'm not from a professional theoretical background, so this question is too profound." Rainbow couldn't help but want to scold again, "I'm talking about Beauvoir, not Butler. What about Butler?"

"I thought you knew a little bit about Butler." Ji Huang said, "Butler's 'performativeness' is an important concept in gender studies. It's impossible that Mr. Guan didn't mention it in his class."

"I mentioned it before," Rainbow lowered her head, as if someone had caught her pigtails, "I also took notes, but it was two years ago, so I forgot about it long ago. But don't worry! I have written a lot of special skills-but I don't know what to do-I guess I went off the topic and went to Java Island."

It was Ji Huang's turn to be anxious, and said: "Then how did you answer it? Tell me and let me know how far you have run."

Caihong sat down on a stone stool, recalled it, and said: "I first analyzed a lot of what is 'performance'. Performance is a person's ideal 'self' deduced to the most ideal state through behavior. In fact, It is also called performance. Performance is another person playing another person, and it is an action expression of inner state. "Performance" refers to the retelling of power and structure on an individual, so it is not a free expression of self-desire, but a traditional and Social rules are self-replicating through individuals. So the biggest difference between "performance" and "performance" is: when performing, the individual can at least realize that there is a subject performing, while "performance" means the disappearance of the subject. Individuals are captured by the rules and become its spokesperson. For example, I play Zhang Fei, that is acting, because I know I am not Zhang Fei. And if I laugh at you when I see you wearing lipstick, that is 'performative', because social rules imply that I don’t want to be a man, and my subconscious mind acquiesced to this rule. So my behavior is to repeat the rule in front of you..."

"That's all you said about the big question of sixty points?" Ji Huang raised his eyebrows.

"Of course it's more than that. I wrote a lot of things including Foucault's power, Lacan's subject, and Derrida's symbols... Although it is not meaningful, it must be very convoluted. It will definitely make Cui Daxian fall asleep. Yes, I wake up and see that I have answered so many questions without credit or hard work, so you have to give me half of the points no matter what. Hehe."

Ji Huang smiled, and patted her on the head: "The little girl is quite smart. Actually, if you don't miss the question, you will definitely get more than half of the points."

Rainbow laughed: "Really? You mean I'm a genius?"

"Don't dare to boast that you are a genius," he frowned, "at least you are very capable."

"It would be great if you corrected the paper. God knows what will happen when you meet that Cui Daxian!"

"Teacher Cui must have corrected the papers." He smiled shyly, "But I wrote the test questions."

"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Rainbow spent a pleasant afternoon in Ji Huang's house.In the past few months of intense review, she had to face Li Mingzhu's cold face and the prying eyes of her sisters-in-law when she returned home. Her gold medal shield Su Donglin also went abroad to engage in projects at this untimely time.

However, when the lazy sunshine came from the window, and the breeze passed through the balcony and blew the crabapple on the table, Rainbow remembered the sentence in "The Inscription of the Humble Room", "If the mountain is not high, there will be spirits if there are fairies". Although this house is small, Entrusting a lifetime is enough.With a magazine in hand, she sat comfortably on the rattan chair, listening to Ji Huang busy in the kitchen, and the oil in the pot was "crackling" loudly due to the vegetables.After turning two pages, she ran to the kitchen and hugged him from behind.

"What are you doing?" He sprinkled a few scallions into the boiling fish soup, stretched out a hand, and held her tightly.

"Let me help you," she said.

"Didn't you already cut the cucumber for me?"

She buried her face on his back and squeezed his palm three times: "I love you. (I love you.)"

A few dishes of ordinary side dishes, after Ji Huang's mastery, became the best appetizer.Rainbow ate with gusto, and made an exception and drank a large bottle of beer. Before dusk came, she said goodbye and went home, knowing that her mother must have cooked a table of dishes waiting for her at home.

Due to Li Mingzhu's firm attitude, in order to reduce conflicts, Rainbow must go home before nine o'clock every night.If she didn't return, she would be asking for trouble, because Li Mingzhu would blow up her daughter's cell phone, and when she got home, she would be forced to tell her whereabouts if she didn't tell her face.No matter how you explain it, you will eventually suspect it on Ji Huang's head, and then there will be a rebuke, insinuations, and excuses.

Rainbow said helplessly to Ji Huang: "I study feminism, and feminism is really a joke to me."

Therefore, she didn't mention much about her family's opinion of him. First, Ji Huang is a sensible person, and second, Ji Huang's world is clean, and his parents' secular theories will only humiliate him.

Take your time, there is plenty of time, and all conflicts will be resolved, because no one is a bad person.Rainbow always said so to herself.

She didn't expect that she and Ji Huang would end so quickly.

Two weeks after the exam, Ji Huang, who never misses classes, suddenly asked for a three-week leave.His mother was seriously ill.

There was no phone call for five days, and Rainbow lived like a year.It was not until the weekend that I heard Ji Huang say that his mother had a serious kidney disease, her stomach and lungs were infected, and she was undergoing dialysis treatment.

In fact, compared with working-class workers of the same age, Ji Huang's income is not low. Even if he has to pay more than 1000 yuan in rent a month, he is single and has no children, and the remaining money is enough to live on.The reason for working is because his mother is in poor health and has no medical insurance.In addition, the two younger brothers are both studying in key high schools in Zhongbi, and the living expenses, tuition fees, and board and lodging expenses are all provided by him alone.

"Is there enough money?" Rainbow asked.

"I've saved some money, it doesn't matter for now." Taking care of patients is very hard, and his voice is obviously hoarse.

"Why don't you bring my aunt here for treatment? The hospital here is large, with many experts and good conditions." Rainbow suggested, "And I have more free time than you, so I can help you take care of her."

"Thank you. I persuaded her," Ji Huang said, "She thought the hospital fee was too expensive, so she refused to come."

"Will that delay the illness?"

"I'm thinking of something else."

The class in the department can't be missed for too long. When Ji Huang came back, his face was thinner, and his eye sockets were almost sunken.He said that although the conditions of the hospital where his mother lived were not good, all the medicines needed were available.He hired a special nurse to take care of her, so there is no serious problem for the time being.It could be seen that he was very worried, but he didn't talk much about the specific condition.

After a few days, he started working non-stop, working all night until twelve o'clock.Rainbow asked him if he needed help, and he shook his head.He has been here for so many years. His mother is often sick and has been hospitalized for a long time. He has been used to this busy and hard life since he was a freshman.

Children from poor families are really strong-willed.Rainbow did the math, Ji Huang only slept four hours a day at most.He could have spent an extra hour of sleep, which he would rather have spent on his morning run.Therefore, Teacher Ji who appeared in front of the students looked energetic and radiant, only Rainbow felt worried, knowing that he was overworked and was at the end of his strength.

He must be in need of money.

Within a few days, the speculation was confirmed.

One afternoon Rainbow met Guan Ye, and mentioned Ji Huang in the chat. Guan Ye said: "His mother is very ill. It is said that it is kidney failure. For the past month, he has been completely maintained by dialysis."

I didn't expect it to be so serious, Rainbow said "Oh": "Is there any way to treat it?"

"I asked someone to help him find a nephrologist and inquired about it. At present, the only way is to replace the kidney." Guan Ye said, "The kidney supply is scarce, and his family can't afford it, so he plans to donate his own. Kidney. Even so, the operation fee is still 10 yuan.”

Rainbow exclaimed: "What? One hundred thousand? So expensive?"

"Don't forget that this is an operation for two people. The medical expenses after the operation are also very expensive, about [-] a month." Guan Ye said, "He saved some money himself, and I borrowed some from him. It is estimated that There is still a gap, I don’t know how big it is.”

Rainbow was a little annoyed that Ji Huang didn't tell her such a big thing, was it because she was afraid that she would worry?After thinking about it, how can I be rich?The salary was spent before the end of the month, and I had to go to Ji Huang's place for a meal, and now I can only worry about it.

"So, does the loss of a kidney affect his body?" Rainbow asked again.Although I have heard that one kidney is enough for a healthy person, but after all, it is an operation, after all, it is to cut off an organ.

"He went to the hospital for an examination. He has the same blood type as his mother, and the match is good. As far as Ji Huang is concerned, the success rate of the operation will be very high, and the healing will be good. But his mother's condition is more complicated, and she had a kidney transplant. Whether he can recover afterward is still a question. Losing a kidney will still have an impact on the body. After surgery, you must be extra careful about your diet, don’t catch a cold, and don’t do too much heavy work..."

That night, Rainbow lost sleep.

Over the years, she has saved some bits and pieces of money, which add up to about 1 yuan, and she has given it all to her mother and deposited it in the bank.Caihong doesn't know much about money, and has never worried about it. Li Mingzhu is the cashier, so naturally she takes care of it.Later, Li Mingzhu said that in addition to the 1 yuan, she would also deposit a sum of money into that account every year. Although it was not much, the water flowed steadily, and she was not afraid to steal it to buy wine for He Dalu.It is said that there is no need to be stretched when she gets married in the future.

So at noon the next day, Rainbow pretended to test Li Mingzhu casually: "Mom, can I use the money I saved first?"

Li Mingzhu was cooking, her complexion changed slightly: "Do you want money?"

"No, Han Qing said that the central bank recently adjusted the interest rate and wanted to repay the loan in advance. The money is almost ready. I asked if I could help her. Her salary is very high now, and she may be able to pay it back to me soon."

Mingzhu glanced at her, judged the truth of this statement, and sneered: "Her salary is so high, how could she care about your little savings?"

"What's the use of a high salary? Mortgage is expensive, and the interest is high." When it comes to lying in good faith and fooling people, Rainbow's rank is not low, otherwise he wouldn't have written so many love letters out of nothing during college.However, Mingzhu was her culprit. When her mother laughed, she immediately felt guilty, and her voice couldn't help but drop half.

"Her monthly salary exceeds [-] yuan, do you know?" Li Mingzhu slammed the spatula loudly, "It's fine if you don't mention this, but when I mention this, my heart is in a panic! You are such a pig! You are so good Why don’t you go to the job yourself? Why introduce it to her? Huh? —— Zhanger’s lampstand can illuminate others but not yourself! My mind is flooded!”

Rainbow was embarrassed: "Me? Why should I go? I'm not short of work!"

"You are not short of work, you are short of money, okay? You two graduated from the same department, and you are higher than her in terms of academic qualifications, and you can do the work she can do. She earns your salary for half a year. Such a good opportunity, Why do you want to give it up to her? Look at others, you can use your contacts to run into a well-off society? The house of hundreds of thousands is about to be paid off. Look at our house again—it’s impossible to change floors. Miss, Why can't you be more careful?"

"Mom, how do you know Han Qing's salary?" This is obviously the latest data, which is higher than the school's doctoral supervisor, and Rainbow is startled.

"She called you a few times and you weren't there, so I chatted with her, didn't she come out as soon as I asked? She kept thanking you!"

"Oh!"

"Just your poor money, don't borrow it. It's a drop in the bucket, don't be ashamed of it. She is short of money, and a big benefactor like Su Donglin won't borrow it. Why is she looking for you?"

"Mom," Caihong said solemnly, "Donglin is our good friend, but we never borrow money from him. It doesn't matter how much money Donglin has. If he takes a fancy to his money, the relationship between us and him The nature of it has changed.”

"The nature between you and him is about to change!" Li Mingzhu shook her apron, put her hands on her hips, and assumed a theoretical posture, "Honestly speaking, do you still have a relationship with Ji Huang? Don't think that mom doesn't know! Dong The fact that Lin didn't call our house is an obvious proof."

Being snatched away by Li Mingzhu in such an aggressive manner, Rainbow also said calmly: "Ji Huang is my instructor and also my colleague. How could he not see each other at school? Besides, you don't have to call the department leader because of this." Destroying people's reputations with phone calls. Mom, aren't you overdoing it? I can't believe you would do such a thing!"

"Too much? Not at all!" Li Mingzhu's voice soared twice, "If you keep chattering with that surname Ji, I, Li Mingzhu, will fight him to the end!" After saying that, he picked it up With a sound of "Dang", the kitchen knife chopped the carrot on the chopping board into two pieces.

Rainbow felt a chill down his spine, turned his head and walked away.

Go out of the street and turn right, then turn a few alleys, there is a famous jewelry trading center in this city.

There is always a jade pendant around Rainbow's neck, which is a wishful blessing and longevity. It was left to Rainbow by her grandmother. The Burmese jadeite has a faint green color and is transparent without any impurities.I heard from Mingzhu that this kind of jade pendant is better for grandma, but it is a pity that it was packed into a handkerchief for her during the "Cultural Revolution" and thrown into the Yangtze River.This piece escaped the catastrophe because it was worn by Mingzhu all the time.Therefore, whenever it comes to Rainbow's dowry, Li Mingzhu is quite stubborn. This pendant is a top-quality jadeite, and anyone in the industry will say it is worth two hundred thousand.When the family was short of money, I also thought about selling it. After asking a few customers, the purchase price offered was pitifully low.The sellers all said that regardless of the high asking price in the jade industry, it is far less easy to cash out than gold. It is common for a piece of jade to be left in the store for several years without being sold.Li Mingzhu gave up this heart and let Rainbow wear it on her body as a family heirloom.

Rainbow went straight to the "Jiyuxuan" on the second floor, and the person who opened the shop was her high school classmate Cai Xiaohui.

Taking off the jade pendant and holding it in his hand, feeling its smooth warmth for the last time, Rainbow reluctantly handed it over to Xiao Hui.Xiaohui looked carefully with a magnifying glass and a spotlight, and nodded with satisfaction: "Well, it's a good thing. Although it's not big, it's quite thick and the texture is very pure."

"My grandmother passed it on to me. My grandfather was the chairman of the chamber of commerce in this city before the founding of New China. His name is Li Shiqian. Have you heard of it?"

"Li Shiqian, I know!" Cai Xiaohui's eyes were piercing, "A big capitalist, I heard that he installed the first batch of electric lights in our city."

"I'm short of money and want to sell this piece of jade, please give me a price."

"Oh? Although gold has a price and jade is priceless, if you buy it, the price cannot be compared with the selling price." He held it in his hand and studied it for a long time, then walked into the inner room to check it with a special machine, and came out after a while to say , "Well, since you and I know each other, I'll give you [-]."

Rainbow was a little sad when he heard that: "So low? My mother said that this jade is worth 20 yuan."

"That was in the past. Now there are too many jadeites on the market, so business is not easy to do. As for this jade, I think it can be sold for 12 yuan, but it depends on fate. It's common. Our unified purchase price here is one-tenth of the original price, and it's only limited to high-end jade, we don't accept ordinary goods. I'll give you [-], which is already [-] more."

Rainbow thought for a while, looked up at him, and said pitifully, "Since we are old classmates, can you give me [-]? I wouldn't be willing if I was not in a hurry to use the money."

Cai Xiaohui took a look at her, Rainbow hurriedly put on a sad look, he sighed, and said, "Well, it's [-] for the credit you gave me to copy your homework before. I can only pay so much If you don’t believe me, take it to the second floor and ask others, this is really the highest price.”

"……OK then."

Rainbow took all the last 2000 yuan from his small coffers, made up 2 yuan, and put it in an envelope.After watching the time, Ji Huang made an appointment and handed it to him: "Hey, does your mother need money for her illness? This is [-] yuan, you can use it first."

He refused to take it, so she forced it into his arms, and said boldly: "It's not for you, it's my dowry, and I put it here for you first."

Ji Huang smiled wryly: "What a careless girl, others will laugh at you if they find out, the dowry will come first before the person comes."

Rainbow put his arms around his neck and kissed him carelessly: "It hurts to see you so tired. Don't work so much, okay?"

Ji Huang thought for a while, took the envelope, and said seriously: "Thank you, I have temporarily collected the money, and it is considered as a loan from you. Give me one year, and I will definitely return it to you on this day next year."

After that, he opened the drawer to find a pen and paper.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Rainbow stopped him.

"I'll write an IOU."

"Lend me your head, you are still so serious with me. I don't believe you will lend it to you? Think of me as a fool. If you are so serious again, I will turn my face." After that, she threw the pen and paper into the drawer , touched his thin face with protruding cheekbones, and wiped the wrinkles on his forehead with the pads of his fingers, "I'm not sick or in trouble now, and I don't rush to pay back the money. You should work less and rest more."

Ji Huang sat down, held her hand, and said, "About my mother's illness, I have something to tell you... She has advanced uremia, which is very serious and needs a kidney transplant. I..."

"Is this a big operation?" Caihong had a primary school classmate whose father had undergone a kidney transplant operation. At that time, he heard that kidneys were scarce and expensive. The price of a single kidney was 20 yuan, not counting the cost of the operation.Fortunately, the classmate's family was well-off, the operation was successful, and his father is still alive today.

"Compared to other organ transplants, it's relatively simple."

"So...have you found the source of the kidney?" she asked.

"Doctors say that immediate family matches are better, have a higher success rate," he said, "and ... save money."

Her face turned pale, and she gently held his hand: "I understand, Teacher Guan told me everything."

He sat quietly and didn't speak for a long time.After a while, just as he was about to open his mouth, Caihong pressed his mouth: "You can go for the operation at ease, and I will take good care of you and your aunt."

There was a wry smile on his face: "After the kidney is removed, there will be some side effects... I mean, in the future life. For example, you can't drink alcohol, you can't drink coffee, etc. If—"

"Then don't drink it," Rainbow said, "It's not that I can't drink, I won't feel bad."

He paused, then continued: "Of course there are other things—"

Rainbow was embarrassed: "Isn't it because I can't do that? Then I really have to retreat."

"It doesn't matter." He quickly corrected it, and then smiled again, "See what you're thinking."

Rainbow patted him on the shoulder, and said boldly: "That's fine. The big deal is that I won't let you do heavy work in the future. I will earn more money and hire someone to change the gas!"

He held her tightly in his arms, kissed her lightly, and said, "I'm really sorry, I didn't expect things to turn out like this."

Caihong said again, "Is there enough money for the operation? It's really not enough. I still have some friends. I believe I can raise some for you."

"That's enough." He said, "I've contacted a kidney surgery specialist, and I'll have some checkups in the next few days." After a pause, he sighed again, "The problem is that my mother firmly disagrees with the operation. When I mentioned this, she got angry and refused to agree."

"Why? This is a good thing!"

"She has been ill for a long time and has mild depression. She has been emotionally unstable recently." Between his brows, he could see his deep worry.

"Don't worry, after the operation, my aunt has recovered and everything will be fine."

"Actually, her situation is not that optimistic, but... I don't want to give up hope, even if there is only a little hope, I will fight for it. I plan to hide the operation from her and tell her that the condition is not serious enough to need a kidney transplant, but that one needs to be removed. It's just a dead kidney."

Rainbow nodded, expressing understanding: "When will the surgery be?"

"The doctor said the sooner the better, it will be on the first of next month."

"What about your class?"

"Teacher Guan will help me with some lessons, and I can be discharged from the hospital a week after the operation."

It appears to have been arranged.She looked at him, feeling a little desolate: "After all, it's still a major operation, seeing how you said it so lightly."

Looking down for a long time, he held her hand and said with an apologetic expression, "I'm sorry, I haven't told you too much. It's not that I deliberately concealed it, but I really didn't expect the condition to get so bad. Take it I came here with her medical history and asked several doctors before I could believe it... My mother's illness was all caused by exhaustion, and she didn't live a good life. I always thought that when my life is stable in the future, I will honor her well, no I don't know if this wish can come true."

"Don't worry! Aunt Jiren has her own destiny, she will definitely get through this test!"

"This kidney - there is no way - I can only dedicate it to my mother." He said seriously, "But please rest assured, after the operation, I will take good care of my body and prevent it from making any mistakes..."

Rainbow was embarrassed, feeling that he was worrying about something and trying to prove something, but she didn't think of any terrible consequences when she was in a daze, and when he said that, she suddenly became afraid.

Will the operation fail?
Losing one kidney, is the other kidney enough to support him for the rest of his life?What if his only kidney also got nephritis?At that time, who will replace the kidney for him?
When I got home from get off work, the dishes on the table were already set.

"Today I have your favorite stir-fried kidney." Li Mingzhu said with a smile, "Rainbow, I made an appointment for you at three o'clock this Saturday afternoon. Aunt Zhu said to introduce a boy to you-don't fool us anymore .”

Looking at the hot dishes on the table, Rainbow suddenly felt like vomiting.

(End of this chapter)