deep in time

Chapter 18 (1)
[one]
It's not that we are not afraid of loneliness, we are more afraid of exclusion, doubt, and incomprehension than loneliness.

It's not that we're not afraid of losing. We're more afraid of being dirty, ugly, and imperfect than losing.

Baili watched a TV show.

A lonely woman kept a white butterfly dog. One day the woman lost the puppy, and she appeared on a program offering rewards across the country to find the dog.A beautiful woman with a high quality of life offers a reward of 3 RMB for finding a dog. These are gimmicks that TV stations like, so this program is done very carefully.

The half-hour-long video recorded by the woman was playing on the TV. It was a scene of Papillon playing cute on the leather sofa and rocking chair in the magnificent mansion, biting the water pipe in the back garden and splashing water all the way, and beautiful Seascape photo of woman traveling around the world with puppy.Everything is expressing the sadness of loss.The suitor couldn't bear to see the beauty haggard, so he gave him an identical pug, but the beauty shed tears after seeing it. This is not my son.

Yes, Beauty considers the Pug her own son.

While criticizing the "program with no connotation and no taste", the audience wiped their tears and watched the sequel.

This show became popular, and the caring beauties became popular.

Someone really found this butterfly dog. At that time, the informant stood by the trash bin of a big supermarket and called the TV station, excitedly saying: "I found it! There is a heart-shaped black fluff on the dog's neck, right? !I found it!"

The TV station quickly contacted the beauty and rushed to the scene together.

In the lens of the camera, the beauty is wearing a black mink fur coat and her nails are bright blood red. She is standing far away and watching the flies flying all over the alley. One can no longer be seen beside the stinking garbage bin. A dirty puppy with white fluff.The poor pup was gnawing on a half-eaten chicken wing from an abandoned lunch box, and the camera could see a black heart-shaped fluffy pattern on the neck that audiences across the country had seen in the video broadcast on the TV show.

The imaginary touching scene of embracing and reunion did not happen. The beautiful Lihua was raining, and she shook her head after watching for a while: "This is not my son, it's just a resemblance." But the dirty puppy, after seeing the beauty, She suddenly dropped her bones and ran over screaming, scaring the gorgeous beauty into the sports car and closing the door tightly.

The follow-up development was that the beauty gradually became discouraged and raised another dog, but it was not a butterfly dog, but another noble and clean shepherd dog. She said melancholy to the camera: "I don't want to raise butterflies any more. I will be scared when I see them." When I think of my son, I can't help but cry."

The show ended so tenderly, earning an ocean of tears from the audience.

Some people may have thought that the puppy next to the trash can is really the son of the beauty, but it has become dirty, uncute, and noble, so... was ruthlessly abandoned.

I lost my wallet.

I lost my phone while squeezing the subway.

While sitting on the yacht and blowing the wind, the Hermès silk scarf was blown to the depths of the sea by the wind.

I don't know when the very important necklace given by my lover fell off.

I can't remember the appearance of the person who once thought about it, the one whose youth was rotten...

You will feel distressed, you will blame yourself for being careless, and you wish that time can come back, but time will smooth everything out, and you will gradually forget those nails about pain that have been driven into the bottom of your heart, and you will find a new love.

However, when what you lose is not a wallet, a mobile phone, a necklace, a puppy, or a relationship, you are not passively but actively abandoning a living person?
——You brought me into this world, and you abandoned me in this world.

——You are my own mother, why don't you want me?

Regarding the memories of the past years, starting from the dormitory of the welfare home in the Yazai shop and the rectangular dining tables of the welfare home, the most uncomfortable thing is not "the simplicity of the welfare home, the simple food", "failure to complete the welfare The manual task of stringing a chain and a penny arranged by the hospital can not eat", "Even if you are sick, you can't stay in bed", but "I don't have a pair of gentle mother's hands in the lonely night", "It feels like I die alone. No one really cares", "I don't know what it's like to be loved and pampered"...

The weekend when the adoptees arrive at the orphanage is the biggest festival.

Even the most rambunctious children will behave very well-behaved, quiet, and obedient, expecting that the adopter's eyes will stay on them for a moment longer.Beads of sweat ooze from the clenched fists, and a small fate awaits a cruel sentence.

- You can't feel the pain.This is different from your crying and clamoring for your parents to buy back that favorite toy. This is different from your sad mood when your parents promised you to go to the amusement park on Sunday but missed the appointment. This is because you did something wrong. It's different to be unhappy when your parents criticize and criticize you...

So, when I was adopted to Yelang Island later, even if I saw a family with nothing but worrying about tuition fees, even if I couldn’t buy as many beautiful clothes like other girls, even if I had to do more heavy housework, but , still feel very happy.The hat I handed when I went out, the glass of water I prepared on the table when I came home from school, my favorite fried clams with garlic on the dinner table, and a caring look can make me jump for joy.

——There are still people who love me in this world.I am not alone.

In short, I am very grateful to my adoptive parents and regard myself as their child.

It’s just that occasionally on nights when the nerves are fragile, I still inadvertently think about what the parents who will give birth to me will look like, is it the dignified and always smiling woman on the street corner, is it the slightly frosted sideburns on the subway, A man in a suit?When meeting people of this age, I can't help being startled for a moment, and my suppressed imagination will gurgle again.

Not without hate.

——You are my own mother, why don't you want me?
I imagined that one day there would be a woman looking at me full of guilt and affection, and I would pretend to ask this scene calmly, but as time went by, I gradually understood that if I add a modifier to this scene, then Probably "zero chance".

When I think of this, the sourness in my heart is like something heavy.It seemed as if he could see that behind his body standing straight was a soul that was pressed into an arc.

[two]
Baili turned the air conditioner in the room to the "heating" setting, and soon the room was warmed up.

After finally helping the dazed Cheng Lichen into the room, the only thought in his mind was "it's really heavy".

Opened the closet, found long clothes and trousers from a large cabinet of clothes, put them in the bathroom, stood outside the bathroom door, and asked over and over again, "Have you changed?", "There is a big bath towel next to me", " Hurry up" or something like that.

Time seemed to pass very slowly, after more than ten minutes of tossing, the girl who couldn't help pushing the door saw Cheng Lichen sitting on the toilet with his head leaning against the wall, topless and wearing a pair of dry trousers, falling into a deep sleep.

The boy's face showed an unhealthy warm tone, and his naked upper body was muscular and lean. Baili sighed, walked over, helped the boy put on a long-sleeved T-shirt, and almost dragged him to the bed.

People who are asleep will probably look more real because they take off their masks.

On the soft and comfortable big bed, the sea-blue quilt wraps the boy gently like sea water. The boy is frowning, a bunch of short black hair gently covers his forehead, and his long eyelashes cast a small shadow. There is a childish innocence at the corners of the lips.

It was completely different from the usual Cheng Lichen's feeling to her - there was a strange sense of strangeness.

The boy seemed to have a strange dream. He vaguely heard the sound of the hair dryer working from the room, and vaguely remembered that he took medicine once, as if someone fed him medicine, and he swallowed and complained, "I don't want to take it." The medicine is bitter", and the response was "There is no medicine that is not bitter, good boy".

The gentle tone she heard was like a mother, so in the end she really took the medicine obediently.

Later, later, I vaguely saw my mother standing on the bedside, looking at myself silently. The boy was ecstatic, fearing that it was not true, he held on to his mother's hand tightly, even when he fell asleep, he kept holding on tightly. , hold on tightly.

Falling into a deep sleep, consciousness gradually became blank.

But this strange dream is so real.

But the real scene is: the boy is frowning in his sleep, with one hand tightly grasping the hand of Baili who is squatting beside the bed.

It's not that I haven't tried pulling my hand out of the boy's obviously stronger and slender palm, but——how come Cheng Lichen's strength is so great?

Sitting helplessly on the floor leaning against the bed frame, I heard the tiny sound of the wall clock beeping.The noise of the whole world becomes the silence of two people in this room.

I don't know how long it took before the boy's emotions relaxed and he gradually let go of his fingers. The girl looked at it with lowered eyes, her consciousness was in chaos, and it took a while before she gently pulled her hand out.

Her calf felt sore and numb from sitting for a long time. The girl stood up, and her toes touched the edge of the bed, making a muffled sound.Startled, she turned to look at the boy.

The boy's lips were unhealthily red, like a cluster of flames.

The girl took a step back and heard the boy whisper hoarsely: "Knock...Kow...Thirst..."

[three]
In a small town in the south, the change of seasons is always blurred.

It's already autumn, and the pretty girls on the street are still wearing miniskirts, and they don't feel cold.

However, after yesterday's rain, the weather has become significantly cooler.

Outside the gate, Ji Nan was sitting on a fiery red mountain bike with one foot on the ground, like a luminous body, which made people feel much less depressed and unhappy when they saw it.

The electronically controlled door of Yulong Bay slowly opened a crack, and a petite girl with a simple appearance was reflected in Ji Nan's pupils.

"Are you alone?" An uncertain interrogative sentence, "Where is Ah Chen?"

Baili rubbed his eyes and raised his head: "He has a fever, I will go to school to ask for leave for him today."

The girl who didn't sleep well last night had a touch of gray under her eye circles, she stretched unconsciously, her tone was not as calm as usual, it seemed to be a bit coquettish: "Cheng Lichen is really difficult to serve, he has been tossing all night, okay Tired."

The corners of Ji Nan's lips twitched up before he had heard Baili's tone before, and his tone was a bit worried: "Chen can stay at home alone?"

"I called Uncle Cheng, and he called a nurse for an IV drip. Now there is a nurse at home!"

"No wonder I waited longer than usual today."

"Let's go, or we'll be late." Baili rubbed his eyes again.

"Did you stay up all night last night?" I wanted to ask this question, but it seemed that such a question was too intimate, beyond the scope of a certain kind of intimacy. The boy thought about it, swallowed the words down his throat, and replaced it with Urging: "Hurry up, I'll take you."

Baili was carrying a big schoolbag, and was about to stand on the sole of the rear frame, but—the sole of the right foot was missing.

Did it get lost during the heavy rain yesterday?The boy shrugged and looked at the rear frame with a trace of regret.

How to do?Go to the car repair shop to install it now, I'm afraid it's too late for school, not to mention that there is no bicycle repair shop next to it, at least until the next intersection.

Tilting his head and thinking for a while, the boy's maroon eyes lit up, he hesitated but finally said it out.

"How about you sit on the crossbar?"

[Four]
On a certain street in the city, under the green plane trees, locust trees, Chinese toon trees and paulownia trees, a young man riding a mountain bike leans forward, holding the handlebars with both hands, and a girl with short hair sits on the crossbar connecting the front of the bike to the leather seat .

The breeze blew through the girl's black hair, so close that the boy could smell the fragrance of gardenia.

Looking at it from afar, the girl is sitting on the crossbar of the bicycle, as if sitting in the boy's hands, like a green hug, full of beauty and warmth.

Sunlight poured down through the cracks in the trees, and the young faces of the boys and girls seemed to be radiating light.

No matter how ordinary a girl is, she will become dazzling because of this scene.

On the opposite street, two boys wearing school uniforms and riding bicycles galloped side by side. One of them casually looked sideways, and burst out with a thick and thick voice unique to boys.

"Look, it's Ji Nan from our club!"

"He's carrying a girl?" This person is obviously poisoned by photography, looking for angles anytime and anywhere, and the eyes of the senior who can snap a dozen photos even on bare tree branches in winter are full of enthusiasm, "Good scene!"

The two boys looked at each other, and at the same time, their legs started to rotate at a high speed. The bicycle swished forward like a flying arrow and shot at the intersection at the corner in front. Then the senior quickly took out a bicycle from his back bag. With a professional XX camera, the long lens was opened at once, and just when the senior took a breath, Ji Nan's bright and handsome smiling face appeared in the lens of the camera.

full-body shot.

The winding streets, the mottled walls, the boy didn't know what he said, which made the girl with a sideways face laugh.

Close-up of the face.

The green leaves whirling in the background, the gentle eyes that the boy himself didn't notice, and the girl's healthy chocolate-colored complexion.

"It's very natural! It's perfect! It's very beautiful!" The three seniors who sighed in succession held the camera intoxicated. It's unclear whether he was praising his photography skills or this beautiful youthful scene.

[Fives]
The school cafeteria at noon is full of words like "chicken wings and chicken wings", "Damn, this braised pork is too old, it's so unpalatable", and occasionally a girl screams: "I don't want to eat it, there are strands of hair in the green pepper! "A long, greasy strand of hair was pulled out from the vegetables on the chopsticks.

Ji Nan sat at a dining table by the window, surrounded by several boys from the basketball team.

Tall, handsome, and super athletic boys on the basketball team are always the focus of attention, and Ji Nan is undoubtedly the brightest diamond among them.

While gobbling, he called on the phone: "Ah Chen, are you able to answer the phone? You can't be pretending to be sick."

"Get out." Cheng Lichen's voice was lazy.

"Really, is Baili home yet? You're so hard to deal with. I want to eat Bozai pork ribs from Ximen Street, but also want to eat sugar-stuffed mangoes in front of the Town God's Temple. The south of the city and the north of the city are in opposite directions. Baili and I Is it your slave?"

Baili went home immediately after school at noon, and Jinan was assigned the glorious task of buying mangoes stuffed with sugar in front of the Town God's Temple. The two of them complained that "Ah Chen is really hard to serve", while obediently divided into two groups. road.According to Ji Nan's words - "Take it as taking care of the vulnerable groups".

"..."

"Don't hang up the phone yet." Ji Nan narrowed his eyes suddenly and lowered his voice, "There is one more question."

"what?"

"Isn't that ... the nurse who went to hang the water pretty?" With a teasing tone.

Several boys who heard it winked at each other and laughed.

Unexpectedly, Cheng Lichen said solemnly: "Well, she is very beautiful, with large breasts, thin waist and big eyes, which completely fits the imagination of you, a male high school student who regards Sora Aoi as an idol."

[six]
It was quite fast, and the boys finished their lunch in less than 7 minutes.Then he bid farewell to all his bad friends, and helped Cheng Lichen refuse the kindness of these people to visit, took the car from the single carport, and galloped all the way to the school gate.

At this time, the school gate had been closed, and there was only one small gate left to enter and exit. A few students on duty stood chatting under the kapok tree in front of the guard room.

"Hey, this classmate, please don't leave the school badge." One of the male students on duty saw Ji Nan's bare right chest, and stopped him politely.

The boy braked, put one foot on the ground, touched his chest, was stunned for a moment, and looked annoyed: "The school badge is in the schoolbag."

Except for strictly checking the wearing of the school badge when entering and exiting the gate, no one usually wears a school badge with a silly name and class on the chest at a glance.

"Accommodating me." The boy rushed to Cheng Lichen's house and asked with a calm face.

"No." The student on duty with a serious expression.

(End of this chapter)