A Slackers Guide To Immortality

Ethel was on her Herly sportster cruising through the Chapparal Pass national highway.The earpiece rang inside of her sleek black carbon fiber helmet.

"What up cuz?"she answered he call.Assuming that it was one of her family.

"It's Herman your 3rd cousin twice removed on Raymond's side. I work at Health and Records. Jimbo son of Claude son of Rayford son of Clovis requires a favor."

Ethel laughed inside her helmet. "What would the Esquire require of me?"

"He needs you to claim a bastard."

"Doesn't that usually work the other way around shouldn't he be claiming my bastard child? How did he end up with a little bundle of joy of his own?"

Herman told the story. Ethel remained silent until the end as she swerved to miss desert hare the size of a pitbull terrier.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to have someone from the line of Clovis in my hip pocket. Go on and carve the Tree I'll pay them a visit after I clear out this tomb." 'Hell yeah this girl is getting hitched to nobility. Out of the wood shed and into a nice house whoop!' She thought herself 'I hope he's rich and has alot of retainers. I had heard he gave up the road quite a few years ago.' "Herman tell me where Jimbo lives so I can visit. Let me surprise him."She stopped her bike on the highway next to a sandstone cliff.

She looked up and saw a tree that she could tie her rȧpėlling from to begin her descent into the arroyo.She bounced down the cliff wall until she was about 20ft from the top of a cliff there was a little round bronze door into which she inserted a large key of nephrite into the lock it slid inwards and the door opened.

Ethel rocked herself feet first into the tunnel that was now opened she slid down the earthen ramp some ways until she stopped at the bottom.

Reaching inside her red bike leathers she pulled out a small electric torch.

As she turned on the light to get a better view she heard a mȯȧn *urrrrgh 'Seriously fuċkɨnġ undead... I am glad I have my brass knuckles. I'm going to be washing my hair clothes twice to get the smell out.' She panned around the chamber with her light trying to find the source of the undead groan. As soon as the light stopped on a corpse dressed like a pizza man she realized that was her guy. She proceeded to give him mercy. She punched his head with all her strength crushing his skull easily but the expected black ichor did not flow the blood was red and smell fresh. 'Shit I killed an innocent what's worse is that someone has arrived before me and claimed the 1,000 year old Sage Grass Cheese.This run was a complete waste unless I find some leftover pizza around here im going to have nothing for dinner.'

*Back at Freedom Town

Brother Chris Trucker and Brother Blue were becoming acquainted with the rest of the denizens of Freedom Town.They had also lost their shoes and pants because brother Scar decided a trade was in order. Brother Blue had attempted to fight off Scar.Scar was far stronger due to many years of hard labor and much more ruthless because of his privations.

The conditions in Freedom Town bred survivors a constant daily struggle of watching over your shoulder because your brother may covet anything you owned conditioned an awareness that people who lived soft lives have no way of developing.

"Okay my new brothers it's time to dig up the potatoes we go to harvest the bounty of the earth the blessings of the mad god smile upon us may we not encounter hungry pigs were goats or divine retribution lightning... amen" Scar intoned the prayer to the mad god and kissed a tiny bone fetish that he wore around his neck after his prayer.

"Phillip how the fuċk are we getting home?" Tony asked

"I don't know yet but where there's a will there's a way." Phil was intensely looking into the distance towards the mountain. 'I bet there's a radio on that mountian if I climb to the top I am almost sure there's a weather station.'

"Yes my friends keep that will eternal... and dig some spuds you losers nobody escapes.The Tater Gang you are going to dig til you die then we will feed you to the pigs and eat the bacon. It's the great circle of life." Scar maliciously joked. He and the others got out the digging forks from the barn.

"Where's Soup Bone?" asked Hare Lip

"Check his fox hole I bet he's going fappy happy down there." said Scar thinking of the sect's biggest compulsive masturbator. 'At least he's not getting cozy with the livestock...or is he?'

"He's not there." Hare Lip came back "I checked his place over twice nothing there he must have scooted out in the dead of night."

"Well he's pig shit by now." Scar was glum

Soup Bone was his friend they shared many secrets together it might be for the best Soup

Bone was gone. Scar pretended to be a tough guy but before the sect kidnapped him he was a florist. He liked nothing better than to make flower arrangements.He supplied hotels and weddings mostly sometimes funerals.

The brothers began their march to the field and started to turn the earth as they got there.

"Oooooklahoma is the place to be... oooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain." Brother Johnny Cakes started to sing.

"Tony we are in hell those drifters killed us and this is hell farm labor by hand and fuċkɨnġ showtunes." Phil whispered to Tony.

"It's ok boys it will only take about 6 months for you to learn all the words to every song Johnny Cakes knows then you can sing along too! Until then shut the fuċk up and stop disrupting our happy sing song time." Scar barked before planting his fist into Phil's jaw.