About Your Pride and My Prejudice

Chapter 54: Romantic Eyes

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The thick darkness enveloped the world. It was a pitch-black night, even the moon was covered by clouds. I was tossing and turning with a complicated mind because I was afraid to fall asleep.

“…….”

To admit that the man I had adored with my soul with endless love and longing was the only one that could only cause me fear and maim.  It was such a brutal and terrifying experience that I wanted to run away.  It felt like the whole world around me was falling apart.

The past days when I fell for him helplessly were as deep as the abyss.

It won’t be easy, but I wanted to leave the past behind. Without getting caught up in it, I wanted to focus on myself and walk bravely towards the life that was given to me.

It’s not such a grand story. I am definitely different from before.  It is because I have achieved great achievements with my own strength—perhaps I should be more humble since I’m a lady. I want to add a better modifier, but humility is a virtue of a lady—but I’m getting closer to the writer’s dream.

Whenever I recall this fact, I feel so overwhelmed that I want to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I get stronger as if I can get through any adversity.  It is truly a strange and dazzling thing.

However, all these feelings and glory are in vain, and I am so anxious with the fear that I may see him in my dream again.

I was terrified to death when I thought of the dream I had by the lake in the afternoon. I’m afraid I’ll see myself begging for his body and hanging off of him like a femme fatale. Now I began to open my heart to him little by little, but I hated it again and at the same time didn’t want to turn away.

I’m so upset, I can’t tolerate myself. However, no matter what it is, I can’t refute the fact that my deep unconsciousness created the dream. I clenched my teeth, it was as if all the dreams of the past where I did not give into him were overshadowed today— I had……

I had coveted him like a starving dog.

Unlike before, he had reluctantly accepted his kiss, and showed no sign of reaching out first. It was close to the cynical Alan Leopold whom I had loved and suffered for many years.

But in today’s dream I had aroused him like that…… I had seduced him by begging in a heat of unbearable lust…….

“Haa…”

I swear I’d never had a dream like this of Alan, even in the days I loved him so passionately. Was I such a vulgar woman? I hate him, but I long for the pleasure he gives me.

My mind was so noisy that I almost wanted to go crazy. I tossed and turned again. In the midst of my heart wringing with disillusionment with myself, I prayed earnestly that this was not some kind of foreshadow or omen.

“…….”

But even considering that I am a person who is often lost in meaningless daydreams, it was funny that I suddenly felt a strange sense of guilt towards Tobias Miller.

Maybe even when I was imagining a peaceful future with him, I may have already had an ugly desire for another man.

No, I’m sure I had. I was sexually consoling myself in a fantasy that won’t come true……

Alan deserves to be cursed for the rest of his life. There’s no way I’m still in love with him. I don’t miss Alan Leopold any more and I don’t read poetry. I don’t write any more stories about a person who’s obviously Alan and who is in love with me. I don’t think I’ll be able to write and use it in the future.

He has been my inspiration and refuge for a long time, and my true love for writing was intertwined with my passion for him.

In other words, it is Alan Leopold who gave me the dream and gave me the daunting opportunity of studying abroad.  It was Alan who even sent me the ticket so I could cross the sea.

And I took it with me in the midst of a shiver of hostility. I might look ridiculous like this. But this was never because I had love for him.

I just know the reality I’m in, and I don’t love him anymore.

“…never,”

Alan Leopold was my stalker. The moment I learned the fact, everything changed. Perhaps he will never understand. The psychology of a woman who is followed by an unknown man.

Whether it was just a little prank or a low-quality play, or the hidden side of him who seemed perfect at first glance, I had to despair the whole time like a beast caught in a snare.

Far from harming him, the atrocity of trampling on the young man who wanted to help him with sincere longing also made me feel an unparalleled sense of fear and anger at the same time.

He deviates from the normal track, so I don’t even know what unexpected behavior he’ll show, and he even has enormous honor and wealth, so whenever I recall his frightening and frenzied deeds, I grit my teeth automatically.

I couldn’t stand the constant fear that I would fall in love with him again unless I don’t engraved it into my bones and periodically reminded myself how harmful, evil, and crazy he was.

But seriously, I wanted to abandon him. I wanted to shake him off without looking back. As if leaving the beautiful bouquet by the lake without any hesitation.

Nevertheless, I had to continue to fight the image and sensation of him in my dream. His concentrated face, crumpled forehead, and his large hands, which had completely bound both my wrists so that I could not even push him away as he licked and sucked in my tender skin. Sometimes in a manner that he was tormenting me, and sometimes in a manner as if he were soothing me.

“…….”

I closed my eyes tightly and gulped as I felt a warm sense of immorality running down my throat. I didn’t know whether sooner or later my stomach would completely melt.

I bit my lips with resignation. I had a hunch that it was going to be a longer and more difficult night than ever.

* * *

A dazzling morning light fell over the tired face that had a shallow sleep. I opened my eyes in a very unpleasant sensation.

“…….”

I managed to lift my heavy eyelids and looked at the ceiling once, then the door, and at the ceiling again.

“…….”

No way. I don’t think so.

With that in mind, I carefully put my hand into the blanket.  When my palm, which had landed lightly on the side of the waist, crumpled the white cotton sheet, and fumbled downwards slowly.

“Lie… “

I immediately got up and took off the blanket.

The white bedspread was messed up by bloodstains. Feeling hopeless, I felt the same unpleasant wetness as I touched my buttocks.

It’s the worst. I felt like I was losing all my strength.

I hated the color red. Maybe it’s because it’s a gorgeous color that doesn’t suit people like me in the first place? That color always gave me pain.

I didn’t like the color of the shabby dress I wore on the night I danced with my crush, the color of his beautiful lover’s fluttering hair, and the color of the wig he wore…….

“Hik…”

The color of the rose I don’t want to know who left it, and even this terrifying, fishy blood.  I hated it all so much that I cursed and thought it disgusting.

Suddenly, I felt so pathetic that I wanted to give up everything, and I burst out crying. I wasn’t in the mood to wipe off my tears, and I didn’t have the energy to stop the tears that burst out like a flood.

“Ugh…uhhh…….”

I stood by the bed and wept. What a wicked morning!

“Miss Collins!”

Then Madam Hue rushed into the room. she sprinted through her door, as if she thought something serious had happened, her face full of concern.

“Why are you crying—”

I wept like a child regardless of her appearance. I didn’t know what to do with this feeling, so I just poured it out.

The moment she looked at the bed, I saw her gasping with a stern face. Madam Hue, who had been staring silently at the red stains on the sheet for a moment, approached me.

And to my surprise, I was in her arms.

“…it’s all right. Even after adulthood, you can make mistakes.”

Her words made me burst into tears again. I cried bitterly, with my head buried into  her wrinkled apron shoulder strap.

“There is no one in this house who can’t get rid of a blood stain”

It was a strange consolation. The whole process of Madam Hue calling the maids to take the bedspread, putting on new sheets, and bringing a change of clothes was as smooth as a waltz.

Before I knew it, I was sitting at the table with swollen eyes and drinking hot chocolate. After I came here, I felt like many shameful things were happening to me…….

“Are you okay?”

Madam Hue, returning to her original sour face, made a simple meal and asked implicitly. A scone, jam, and omelette were placed in front of me. I didn’t want to eat anything but the hot chocolate I have now.

A sigh came out.

“…thank… Thank you, Mrs. Hugh.”

“I’m glad,”

“Well, what about grandma?”

I asked, wiping the chocolate off my lips with my fingertips.

“The Viscountess isn’t coughing but you don’t seem to be well”

“Oh… “

Then there was nothing more to answer. Madam Hue spoke to me as I rolled my eyes looking for something to say.

“It’s annoying. Once a month, there’s a disturbance in your body.”

I am fully indebted to you, and I appreciate it, but I wanted to forget about this morning as soon as possible….

“But the body of a woman is the most mysterious thing in the world.”

“…what?”

“Is it not the woman whom God loved most and made most like Her? God and women are the only ones who can create life.”

“Oh… “

To the completely unexpected story, I picked up the cup instead of answering.  Because it was not a story that really touched me, who had no experience of giving birth, let alone having a marriage partner.

“Even if it’s annoying and uncomfortable, you have to be willing to endure it because you’re preparing to welcome the pretty angel.”

“…….”

“Miss Collins will soon have a lifetime companion.”

The conversation was strangely prolonged. I didn’t expect to have this conversation with Madam Hue.

“Well, I…… I guess it will happen before long.….”

“Aren’t you in love?”

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“What?”

When I looked up with surprise, Mrs. Hugh had a smile that I had never seen before.

“You have wistful, romantic eyes,”

Very warm, somewhat sad.

“I thought you looked like you were in love from the beginning.”