About Your Pride and My Prejudice

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From that day on, Mr. Maurice and I became partners of sorts.

Of course I still don’t consider him a teacher. He doesn’t seem to have the heart[1] to coach me either.

But on the day he came to visit me, Mr. Maurice stayed by my side, saying he would be prepared in case I needed him.

I was puzzled at Mr. Maurice’s words that there would always be situations that needed him, but I soon understood what he meant.

When there comes a moment when writing is impossible—it is said to be an inseparable thing for writers—they share a light conversation with each other and sometimes give unexpected clues.  He was willing to take on the role.

“……Mr. Maurice.”

“Is the pen not moving again?”

Mr. Maurice readily lifted his eyes from the book he was reading.

“Yes…… I just wrote one page and it stopped again.”

“But one page is enough—”

“That one page was actually a description of the landscape. Now I really have to write about Troy, but I can’t…….”

There was a time when Alan Leopold felt like an ardent religion. For nearly a decade, I admired him and loved him deeply, and the emotion was so mournful that I could devote my soul to him. Even though it was just a crush.

I was too young, and all I knew about him was superficial. Nevertheless, I was blindly drowned in that sea.

I can’t remember whether I jumped on Alan Leopold or if he hit me like a wave. It was just as natural as if it had been decided that everything would be like this.

“You’re afraid you can’t remove him.”

“Yes, I’m afraid…….”

Now that he has become a stain in my life, how can I not be afraid?

The anger and reproach against Alan was natural, but I felt a terrible sadness first. All the moments and feelings that I devoted my soul to him and missed him, all those long times, have lost meaning.

My beautiful Alan Leopold, mercilessly forsaken me. So my hatred for Alan is purely due to that. I have become the victim of a devastating loss of a large part of my life.

Is that all? I have never thought of dividing myself with my imaginary Alan Leopold. Since I got to know him, I haven’t been myself for a moment.

There was always a place for him in the corner of my heart, and Alan Leopold, who was firmly entrenched in it, was the master of all my time and consciousness.  He was only a vague fantasy.

But now I’m standing alone. There would never be a more ruthless and cruel treatment than this.

“What if I fall in love with him again without realizing it?”

At the crossroads of summer in a lovely afternoon, my lips quivered as if I was instead in the winter.

“If I slowly forget about his evil deeds…… What if I live like a ghost, chasing that empty shell of love?”

“……It could be.”

“I’m confused, Mr. Maurice. I don’t have the confidence to get over him…….”

Mr. Maurice closed the book he was reading and quietly raised his glasses.

“But as you said the other day, if you don’t completely finish the work, this mess won’t end. This is a clear fact.”

“……I don’t know what to do. I’ve decided to complete the novel, but I’m so scared just to face it. Will I be able to finish this…….”

Mr. Maurice’s dark green eyes stared silently at me who was drenched in the sudden flood of emotions. How fortunate it was that he sees me pathetically.

“Miss, I think I can give you two pieces of advice for now.”

“Good. What is it?”

“I know it’s hard for you, but think separately from your muse and your novel, Troy, like they have nothing to do with each other.”

His words made me sigh without realizing it.

“……That sounds too difficult. At least I can’t think like that right away. No.”

“Well, as expected.”

“What’s the second piece of advice?”

Then Mr. Maurice picked up the book he was reading. A maroon leather cover, with a picture of the moon and stars painted in pale gold.  The title engraved in the same color gleamed softly with the sunlight streaming in from the window.

<The Night that Covers the Waiting and Sleeps>

“Have you read all of this novel?”

“Oh, that book…….”

I was lost in thought for a moment. Did I complete reading that novel?

It didn’t take long to conclude that I didn’t.  No matter how much I looked back on my memories, I couldn’t remember the end of the story.

“I’ve definitely read halfway through, but I haven’t read the ending yet.”

“Then why don’t you read this book?”

“…….”

I unconsciously frowned. The reason why I didn’t read this novel to the end even though it was the most recent book I bought…….

“I got a letter from the Academy while I was reading it. So I didn’t have the mind to read it.”

“You had plenty of time after that, didn’t you? Moreover, you said it was one of the two books you brought to Lunoa.”

“…….”

So… the real reason why I didn’t read this book to the end is that the main character, who hated the other person so much, eagerly waited for him from the middle of the book. Whenever I think of the rough plot, I remember the uncontrollable tears I had shed when reading only the middle part. 

The reason I enjoy reading is that it allows me to forget reality and immerse myself in a completely new world for a while, but unfortunately, this novel was reality itself to me. Besides, I didn’t even dare to read the back story because I didn’t see the slightest chance that the story would end happily.

In the end, this book only reminds me of my ugly self, who keeps missing Alan Leopold even though I decided to hate him, and makes me more clearly portray the cruel reality that I cannot resist.

In the first place, I wasn’t strong enough to read that novel with a light heart that made me think about how helpless I was in front of him.

It’s no use denying it now. The reason I took this book carelessly is because it was actually a book that Alan Leopold picked up, and the influence he exerts on me is still so strong.

“Miss.”

“……It was because I had a hard time. It’s so realistic for me that I just wanted to avoid it. I only read about half of it, but I couldn’t help but cry.”

Mr. Maurice’s calm green eyes seemed to urge me to tell the truth, and I was pleading desperately, like a person on the verge of something dreadful.

“Perhaps the reason behind recommending this book………is because the story is similar to mine, right?”

“That’s why I thought it would help you to write.”

“I…… I don’t want to read it either.  I’m sorry to give you such an answer after you’ve been thinking about it seriously.  I will try another way….”

I gripped the pen again with trembling hands, but I lowered my head in the overwhelming feeling of a rushing tide.

Then Mr. Maurice’s loud voice pierced my ears.

“It’s not a bad ending.”

“……What?”

“I’m reading it a second time, but it’s not as terrifying an ending as you think.”

So please read it. When I looked up, his eyes seemed to be saying so.

* * *

“Were you crying?”

Embarrassingly, that was the first word spoken by Alan Leopold, who met me again. Why is he calling me out at a time like this?

Today he came back in time for dinner, so we shared a meal for the first time. Of course, I was trying to stop crying without even grabbing the tableware.

“Why are you crying? Didn’t you like the maid? Or….”

“…….”

“Is it the tutor again?”

Alan, who looked drowsy as if he had had a tiring day, suddenly had eyes like a cold wind. His low voice was calm but eerie, much like the eve of a storm.

I hurriedly answered to clear his misunderstanding.

“Novel……”

I vividly recall speaking to him, calling each other by our names as we conversed.The reason why I made a fool of myself was because I was drunk…….

“……I cried while reading.”

However, I was not confident in pretending that I didn’t remember, so I answered in the same tone as that day after thinking. He also uses an informal tone as if he were dealing with someone close to him.

Alan laughed like the wind.

“Really? What novel?”

“Without waiting…….”

I couldn’t bear to say anything and burst into tears again.

“……Oh, how does it end?”

It’s certainly one of his collections, but Alan asked as if he had never read the novel.

Maybe he’s just talking to me to stop my tears. It must be a difficult task, having to sit face-to-face with someone who randomly cries as she eats her meal. However, it was not possible to say the ending of the novel directly to him.

A happy ending in which the main character, who hated and despised her partner as much as she could, but realized that it was love, finally achieves that love and finds true happiness. To read such a beautiful story and cry sadly would only be seen as comparing myself to the main character and lamenting my pitiful situation.

Even if he sympathizes with me, Alan, who won’t let me even write a letter to the kingdom, won’t let me go because of this.  Thinking about it that way, sad tears came out again and I buried my head.

My weak sensibility is sometimes rude because the other party can’t even eat in peace as I’m so annoying.

“Hik..….uh…hik”

Just then, the sound of Alan laying down the dishes harshly was heard.