About Your Pride and My Prejudice

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I got up like the wind and sat down in front of the reading table. Then I took a breath for a while and opened the letter at once.

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“…….”

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Tobias’ handwriting, but his signature round and easy-going handwriting was just like that in my memory. What has changed is that his letter no longer begins with ‘Dear Melissa.’

Nevertheless, Toby was as sweet as ever. A lonely autumn wind was blowing outside the window, but only the letter containing his words was warm.

He thanked me for asking about him and his family, writing that all the Millers were doing well. It is also said that he is living a peaceful daily life waiting for the autumn leaves.

“……I told you that the autumn leaves in New Ditch are beautiful.”

When I remembered the autumn of Sourne, which was probably a little colder and lonelier than here, and therefore more beautiful, my heart was touched for some reason.

However, I was wondering, but the letter I sent as soon as I heard about the selection from the academy didn’t seem to reach him.

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Even though there are often cases of loss of letters on the way, I didn’t expect it would be my letter. As it was the first letter I wrote when I found out about the selection, I felt a new sense of emptiness, but Toby delivered a late congratulations in a simple and friendly way.

He knew from the beginning that I would make it, and hoped my life of studying abroad would shine like a star…….

The life of writing in the principality, that longing aspiration, I held in my hands. However, the life of studying abroad, which shines like a star, has already become so distant that it cannot be reached. It’s sad that I don’t resent that fact anymore.

The answer came when I asked cautiously about the link between his accident and Alan Leopold.

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“……The mansion must mean this place.”

In the midst of his busy schedule, the reason why he had to come to the Principality to see the mansion in person was to embody my novel – the scene where Troy imprisoned the female protagonist – makes it a bit far-fetched. Although I’m glad I was able to give Toby timely help thanks to that…….

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“Oh…….”

Alan obviously knew about Tobias when I hung out with him. He sent me a warning letter telling me not to go home with Toby.

So apart from Alan’s fine talk sounding very sublime and noble, I’m not sure whether his help to Toby comes from pure good intentions.

But whatever the offer was, he did what I could never do. This is a clear fact.

To be hasty, I was busy hating Alan. I was so sure that all my misfortunes would have come from his evil plots. I couldn’t really do anything for Toby. I can only sit still in front of the table right now.

If it was really meant to cause harm, there would be no need to help. Leopold’s successor is not obligated to directly deal with the accident of a scholarship student.

It doesn’t even make sense to say that it was an act conscious of reputation because he asked people around him to remain silent. In the first place, there would be no reputation to raise more than this.

“Turns out he’s an infinitely benevolent boss to his subordinates……?”

Whatever it is, the conclusion is one. That the rudeness I’ve committed is so deep that it can never be undone. I was already the worst the moment I made those spiteful remarks

Whether it was a humane goodwill, a caring boss, or a reflection on the past, Alan helped Tobias in the best possible way. And to him, I…….

—If you’re a human, you can’t pretend you don’t know.  Because you completely trampled his life.

—…….

—You’re no difference to a murderer…….

Then I thought Alan was silent because he couldn’t bear to explain. Leaving me behind on the must have been an acknowledgment of his own evil deeds.

Now I realize anew how gentlemanly his treatment was when he left the seat without saying a word. Elegance without unnecessary fuss or anger. At the same time, even the complete contempt given was terribly gentlemanlike

So Alan may have just delayed his decision a little bit. Like a gentleman. As the owner of the cage I’m trapped in, he can punish me whenever he wants, in some form. For example, order a meal to be prepared for me only once a day 

“He could throw me in that cold dungeon if he wanted to…….”

It’s a painful memory to even recall. It seems that the dim medicine energy, the gloomy air adhering to the skin, and the darkness of the basement that shook like black waves seemed to come back to life like a hallucination.

Yes, I fully understand that Alan Leopold was not the cause of the accident. I think I know now how he feels about not returning to the mansion for a while after the summer night when we became attentive to each other.

How much did he hate me? I’ve been busy hurting him because I’ve been trapped in prejudice. Maybe he didn’t want to see me anymore.

However, even after wandering for a long time in this thought, I end up being surrounded by inevitable questions.

What kind of feeling did he hug me with? Last goodbye?

Maybe he decided that never to come back after all that kindness was the cruelest punishment he could ever give me? Because all my passionate love was discovered that day.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of a more plausible hypothesis. All the more so, considering how clever and brilliant Alan Leopold was.

Looking back, he seems to have always known how I felt pain and how I felt joyous. It’s too easy for him to crush my heart, and to make my poor heart beat again.

Not knowing that, I was just looking for a silly reason. I wondered if I was bad or maybe I had disappointed him in some way.

It was all noisy inside. It was complex, embarrassing, distressing, guilty, grateful, but still hateful and lovely. The surging emotions collided and pressed down on my chest. It became a little difficult to breathe. But I still hadn’t read the full letter yet.

I took my wandering gaze around the empty vase back to the paper.

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“Toby….”

So this was the last letter I got from Tobias. A lot of emotions passed by thinking that way.

It has never been a long time, but I am grateful that such a thoughtful and warm person stayed a part of my life. I’m just sorry I couldn’t give him back as much as he did for me.….

In the end, the feelings I felt for him were gratitude or guilt, never for a moment was love. The fact made my heart ache.

It’s a lie if I didn’t try to love Tobias. I planned to go on a trip with him, and secretly imagined my future with him. Quite a few times

But nothing was love.

The time with him was obviously beautiful, but I didn’t miss any of those moments terribly. I couldn’t be so indifferent to the unwavering affection and consideration of the person who loved me even though I was trembling and crying at every expression and word of my loved one. It’s a terrible contradiction.

It would have been better if it had been sent earlier. But even though I knew I couldn’t fall in love with effort, I insisted on not letting go of him. His unrequited affection and warmth were just comfortable and warm.

I can’t even wrap this up with the word clumsiness. It’s disgusting. Will those warm words of encouragement and blessing be enough for me?

I can’t even imagine how he felt while writing this letter, but I was grateful to him for not telling me that we should be close friends. Of course, I won’t reply, so I’ll never know how he feels forever. I hope he will never forgive me like this.

I shamelessly put my hands together in my seat. So to speak, it was a kind of prayer imitation that relied moderately on the faint memories of my past life.Closing my eyes and reciting clumsily, a sham prayer that is doubtful whether there will be a god to listen to.

But I prayed from the bottom of my heart. May Tobias someday find a love who would love him just like he does. May his future as a pastor in New Ditch be at peace, God, if you really exist, please protect him now.

Before I knew it, the sun was going down without a sound. A flashing sunset glimmered in the window. It was a fiery red color. When I put my trembling hand on my trembling chest, the helpless emotions flowed out in a slow sigh.

It was that evening that Alan Leopold reappeared in the mansion.