Actor, Search for Hope

You have one month left to get your final exam report. And that's when I decided to commit suicide and clean up the area.

I bought the last bolt of lightning and entered the right motel and drank. And I suddenly thought,

I've been running so far.... I feel like I've lived a life of desperation. I thought it was for happiness that people live. That's why my life has been so happy.

I first realized that life was too far away to remember the word happiness.

The bear thought about it.

What made you live like this? Why did you try so hard? What did he want to do? Did he really like something?

I just had this crazy idea.

Something you really liked? Well, I don't know what it is to live like that. I think there was something there. I don't remember much.

To be honest, I don't think there was anything there. I struggled as much as I could with my lack of head and ability, I didn't think I wanted to do anything, I finally recognized my family, my father's recognition. To get that recognition.

Is that recognition really important? That's what I thought. After all, family and father's recognition is academic discipline. But they are really important and advantageous in my country. It's the safest way to be recognized in some ways.

But studying isn't all life. It would be such a shame not to study. I didn't feel like I was living my life. I thought, you know, like a doll on a rail set by the house,

When I thought about it like that, everything became worthless.

And that sense of emptiness led to emptiness.

I asked myself honestly. What my life has been like so far. A life worth living, even if I wasn't happy.

It wasn't. It wasn't that life.

Studying isn't all life. Recognition of the house, recognition of the father. I wish I could take it, but I don't think I need it. Well, at a young age, the atmosphere of the house itself was kind of overwhelming.

It wasn't a lack of effort. I don't know how others see it, but when I ask myself, I try really hard. Especially after the military. I want to compliment myself if I leave and see one effort.

It's just that there are many forks in the road. I don't think it was the ability to judge for themselves that one path wasn't the right one, and I don't think there was anyone who could tell me that.

The values of a puppet that combines the atmosphere and inferiority of childhood. So I guess that's all I could think about.

No one told me what was right or wrong. People who were around were just laughing at them, laughing at them, just being indifferent.

She also lived separately in a car accident at a young age. She was so smart, she didn't understand my point of view at all.

In addition, because I couldn't study, my sister caught my attention in the family. Excessive attention to my sister like that, but also never love. It must have been a difficult time for you too. Maybe that's why we didn't get along at a young age.

Anyway, what was the reason why my life was so empty? Could it have been because of this family atmosphere and lack of ability? I've been thinking,

And it certainly had a big share in that, but the other reason is that I think the biggest reason was that no one ever taught or supported me.

because that's what the family does. It's natural to do it yourself. You didn't have to cheer them on, but you did it well enough. I was unusual in this family.

It was a matter of capability differences. I was just a man of ordinary abilities. I needed someone to teach, to lead, to cheer me on occasionally.

I just lit a bolt of lightning in such a void.

But the motel reported what I had done wrong, and they took care of me quickly. They shut up, they take first aid. Even death is a mistake. There was a disappearance.

So I lived. And the hospital said that if you were really only a few seconds late, you'd be dead, and you'd almost be a vegetable. If I had, it would all be over.

It was a hospital emergency room when I woke up. He had a father and a mother. My father always looked so harsh and scolded. I think it was that look, that worrying look. I had never seen that look before in my life.

My mother's expression was the same. This is the look I saw when I was very young. I don't think I've seen that face since elementary school. It's been a long time since I've seen a worried face.

My suicide attempt caused a commotion in the house. I didn't blame anyone, and I never really expressed myself. It was just a joke. I lived only to see it. So I've never done it since middle school, not with the word "hard," not with the word "hard," not with the word "help."

No one could have imagined that I would be so serious as to try to kill myself that I was always so bright on the surface, and I never would have imagined.

So I got up from the hospital and suffered a half-year aftermath. After receiving treatment, he was forced into a mental hospital.

And I heard a really interesting sound there.

One was my father's word. If it was so hard, why didn't you just say so? It was a little funny, to be honest. What difference does it make if I say it? I don't think so at all. Rather, you said the guy said he said that.

The other one heard this sound about the environment that I lived in. The shrink said. I think your environment is the most problematic.

I never thought my environment was so bad.

The test revealed only one disease. End of depression.

He said he needed to be hospitalized if he was going to get worse during depression, but not after a review. until we got there. So I was in the hospital for a while. It was usually two months or so, and he was hospitalized for about half a year. It was that bad.

After that, I took my medication while I was getting cured, and the medication was really poisonous. It was a lot of sheep. The hospital told me it was a condition, so I couldn't help it. It's become so chronic that you don't even know you're sick, it's really not easy to treat.

So I went on to curfew, and then I started working again. The school was just closed with a recess. I didn't think I was going back to school.

For the first time, I started looking for things I wanted to do. But it seemed like a good sport in life, so I started working in that lineage.

The problem was a medication prescribed by psychiatry. The side effects were too severe. Hypersomnia, insomnia. I had to endure it somehow, but when I came to anorexia and frequent fainting symptoms, I couldn't help it. I couldn't go about my daily life.

The hospital said there was nothing we could do about it. I can't help it. So I quit my job.

I was afraid I would have to quit my job, so I got some credentials, and I got a proper job through my old relationships. Extras from movies and dramas that I experienced right after the military. I enjoyed watching movies and acting.

I saved up quite a bit of money when I tried to kill myself. So I really didn't have any money because I felt like I had enough money to live on.

So I talked to them at home. I quit my job for nothing. I'm looking for something I can do right now. But I wanted to work hard, so I asked him to help me pay for the gym. That's how much money I was chased. It seemed like a living expense, but I couldn't afford to spend it on my own exercise.

But he didn't like this story very much at home. I didn't want any consolation or cheering, but all he wanted to do was complain about it. It's an elixir of willingness. I have nothing to say to you.

I told him to use a borrower if he really wanted to get paid at home.

That's when I realized. that people don't always change, but my parents don't change when I die.

I went to hospitals that I didn't want to go to again, forcing myself to take back the dark emptiness of the suicide attempt, suffering from that sense of emptiness. I didn't want to understand the hard stuff, but I thought it was too much.

Until this incident, I thought I had a good relationship with my parents. I've had a lot of conversation. But it got me to not see my face. They've become worse than everyone else.

No, we may not have been worse than each other in the first place, but I thought that losing would change my life a little bit. I wish my relationship with my parents had just gotten worse.

Would my life have changed a little bit if I had?

I think we needed an excuse for that. I felt a little comfortable thinking like that.

And after that, I stopped going to the hospital, throwing out all my meds.

And I left the house without even thinking about it.

Just enough not to starve to death. Picking up scraps, making doll eyes. We did things that didn't bump into people.

I live like that, and my sister came in the middle once. with an expensive bottle of wine. He didn't say anything. He poured me a drink. We emptied a bottle of wine without saying anything to each other. And he calls sometimes.

In that life, there were no drugs, no hospitals, and it made me feel weird. I've always tried to be nice to others, and I thought courtesy was my top priority. So I've heard quite a lot about character.

But I only worry when I meet people I know these days. It's too negative.I can't communicate because it's changed more than before. Well, not many acquaintances, and it's hard to meet because they're all busy, but frankly, it's too short a meeting right now.

Is it because of this life or because I'm tired? There's no passion, no sense of purpose.

It wasn't that I had never been lazy, but I thought I had lived a life harder than anyone else, and the reality was that I had no strength at all.

I also gave up my lingering sense of family and father's recognition, so I didn't have any of that in mind. It's just self-blame and self-esteem for why.

Now anything good sounds negative. There's no willingness to treat.

But I thought that life had been worth a lot of money, and I don't think that's the way it is now. I don't think there's anything of value in it. Why, I don't know.

I understand your position as a parent. And we know that. But I don't empathize.

You look tired.

They haven't eaten well, they haven't exercised at all for a long time. And that made me nervous, and I couldn't digest even a little bit. Even at night, when I was off my meds and was able to get a good night's sleep, I now repeat myself. I also came back with anorexia.

I don't think I've ever felt happier in my life. I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

It's only getting worse with depression.It's going to end soon. That's what I thought. But I was so sad because I thought it would be sad to just wait for it to end like this.

So my death is on its own. I heard that death is only fair to everyone, but I felt that I wanted to end my life completely with my will. It wasn't a pretty impulsive suicide driven by vanity.

I know it's not completely intact right now, but it's on its own terms. That's how I wanted to end my life.

And it's a good thing you're dying. Suicide was a crime, but I thought it would be a little less convincing if not all of it. I wanted to commit suicide and donate organs.

So the hospital I found out about was Dignitas Hospital. It's a hospital in Switzerland, and they say that euthanasia is possible for foreigners. You could donate organs if you wanted to. Most of the euthanasians say they donate organs.

But not everyone who comes to the hospital can die of euthanasia. You have to get approval in accordance with the procedure set forth by the hospital.

Start by paying the event subscription fee and annual fee and becoming a member. And I submit my written medical records and written documents to the hospital explaining why I gave up my life. The hospital will then review these documents and decide whether to allow euthanasia or not. Once approved here, we will coordinate hospital and euthanasia dates and communicate what you need to know. You will then be recorded on a video camera by a Dignitas employee accompanying you on a lethal dose of your own. The cost is about KRW 10 million.

I borrowed it from one of my fewer acquaintances. I know what's going on with me these days, so I didn't ask him why. Thank you very much.

It's been a while since then. I thought, what if the hospital refuses? Let's think about that then. I was afraid I would refuse, but I was approved.

However, my heart was upset because if I died like this, I would die as a debt originally. He left a testament.He asked me to repay him to his family. My son died, but I was afraid he would still do me this favor. This little brawl is still dying, don't you think? I did.

I didn't have anything to say. The horse in the video camera wants to repay the debt. That was it.

The day I died, when I was struggling, when I first tried to kill myself. Even before he died. Outside the window, the blue sky was still open. There was no cloud that day.

I used a little bit of it to take my pills. Bitterness before death. A little sweet would have been nice. It's kind of funny and bitter to think about something like this right before you die.

I fell into a deep, dark sleep. That's it.

How long has it been?

It's been a while, and it's been a lot of time.

Is this death? That's what I thought.

I can think even after I die. It was amazing.

And now.

Open your eyes to a feeling of frown.

Back in time, back in time.