Always By Your Side

Chapter 21: We Can’t Go Back

On the second day of Yuanyuan becoming a “married woman”, Wang Yue saw her, looked her up and down, and recited a poem: “After returning from victory, you are full of vigour. Ambition can sweep the constant rainbow in the sky, drinking a thousand cups, radiant with happiness.”1

Yuanyuan replied, “This girl has good eyesight.”

After getting off work, Yuanyuan took the bus to the Cheng family’s house. She brought the clothes she had bought for Uncle Shenghua the last time she went shopping. When she got off the bus, it was already a little dark. The neighbourhood where their house was located was in the utmost condition, and it was very peaceful at night. The only thing Yuanyuan was dissatisfied with was that in such a high-end community, the street lamps were very dark, and the distance between them was very far. Fortunately, the moonlight was very good that evening. Yuanyuan lifted her head to see the half moon that was hidden between the branches and leaves. She couldn’t help but recite a sentence, “The moon on the tip of a branch.” When she was about to reach the front door, she suddenly stopped. A man and a woman were standing beneath the tree ahead of her.

The man was Cheng Bai. It was really a case of having a tryst at dusk. Yuanyuan considered this in her heart. She felt that if she passed by, she would definitely disturb them, so she ducked sideways behind a green tree. She thought she was quite fair and reasonable. “Cheng Bai, you should be content having a younger sister like me.”

A female voice could be heard faintly. It turned out that the girl was confessing her love to Cheng Bai. What the two said after that, Yuanyuan couldn’t hear distinctly. The night suddenly became much darker. Yuanyuan looked at the sky. A layer of clouds had hidden the moon. After a while, she couldn’t hear any more voices. She peeked out and saw that the girl had already left, while Cheng Bai had disappeared without a trace.

“Yi?”

The next second, a familiar voice as cold as the moonlight came not far from her right: “How long are you going to hide?”

Yuanyuan was startled. She turned around to see Cheng Bai looking straight at her. As a result, Yuanyuan stooped down to pick a small wildflower.

“I’m not hiding, I’m picking flowers.”

Yuanyuan took the lead towards the Cheng family’s door. Cheng  Bai watched her enter the yard. The street lamps and moonlight shrouded her softly, and he suddenly wanted time to freeze.

Cheng Shenghua was not there, and Auntie Zhu was nowhere to be seen. It seemed that Auntie Zhu had requested a leave of absence in advance. Yuanyuan put down the things she had bought. Just before she left, she saw Cheng Bai coming in. She stepped out of the way first and then said to the other party in a low voice: “I’m going back.”

As soon as Yuanyuan walked out of the door, she suddenly heard the person behind her ask, “Do you…still like me?” She was dumbstruck as she turned around and looked at the person one metre from her. She was unable to say anything for a while.

Cheng Bai frowned, as if he didn’t know how to express it. “Do you want to be with me?” he asked again.

There was astonishment across Yuanyuan’s entire face, “You…”

“I know exactly what I’m talking about.” When he said these words, there was a trace of self-deprecation. Day by day until now, he really couldn’t blame anyone.

Yuanyuan looked at him for a long time and finally sighed. “Whether you’re teasing me or being serious—I’m sorry.” After she finished speaking, she turned around and quickly walked away.

What, what was the matter? Yuanyuan returned to her residence, cooked herself a bowl of noodles, and while eating, she sent a text message to Fu Beichen who had been in a meeting all day. Is your meeting finished? Fu Beichen replied quickly: Soon.

Yuanyuan wondered if she should tell him that a person had confessed to her, and that that person was Cheng Bai. She thought about it but in the end didn’t say it. Because Cheng Bai might have been playing tricks on her, and looking back on the past, his words were not really credible. Although she wanted to be able to tell Fu Beichen anything, this matter was something she couldn’t say…After a while, Fu Beichen sent another message: Gao Ling asked me to send his regards to you on his behalf.

Yuanyuan laughed, bit her chopsticks, and replied: Then you also send my regards to Teacher Gao for me, okay.

Fu Beichen, who had been taken for a messenger, picked up the handle of his white porcelain cup and took a sip of tea: I still have a few things to do after the meeting, and I don’t know when I can leave, so I won’t try to find you. Tomorrow’s a weekend, let’s have lunch together?

Yuanyuan: Okay!

The next morning, Yuanyuan arrived at Xizhao Lake half an hour early. On the way to Wangchun Pavilion, Yuanyuan thought about the person she would meet later. She watched those grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles, and aunts doing their morning exercise in an especially amiable way.

Suddenly, a palm-like yellow leaf fell. It happened to hit the top of Yuanyuan’s head, slid off, and finally landed on her shoulder. She reached out and picked it off, then held it before her eyes, thinking about that day he had helped her brush the fallen leaves off her shoulders at her door…

When she approached Wangchun Pavilion, Yuanyuan saw Fu Beichen’s back from a distance. He’d actually arrived before her.

In the morning light, Fu Beichen stood tall and straight, blending in with the rose-tinted glow of the lake. She stopped outside the pavilion and stood still. After thinking for a while, she hid the Chinese parasol leaf in her hands and walked quietly behind him. Unexpectedly, before she could make a move, he turned around as if sensing something.

The two people were very close to each other, and there was only a Chinese parasol leaf between them.

“Yuanyuan,” Fu Beichen said, and his breath passed the leaf and brushed by her ears.

“That’s not right, you shouldn’t be able to see me.” Yuanyuan reached out and rubbed her ear, smiled, then took a step back and handed the fallen leaf to Fu Beichen. “Here, this talisman is for you.”

Fu Beichen took the fallen leaf, “Parasol leaf? Since you gave it to me, I’ll accept it.” He put the leaf into his pocket.

“Why did you arrive so early?”

“I came to watch the sunrise. Actually, the sunrise at Xizhao Lake is more beautiful than the sunset.” He paused. “And the sunrise symbolizes hope.”

“En.”

“Let’s go.”

“Okay.” Yuanyuan wanted to hold Fu Beichen’s hand, but gave up after thinking about it. In the next second, however, she was pulled along by her hand. She looked up at him.

Fu Beichen continued walking without a sideways glance, “I’m not playing at a secret love affair.”

Yuanyuan smiled and bowed her head to look at the hand he was holding. It felt like the memory of the first piece of cake her father had ever bought for her. She really wanted to take a bite, and yet she was unwilling. Now, the cake was stuffed in her mouth and eaten. She found it to be very sweet, so sweet that she was embarrassed.

“Why are you also early?” Fu Beichen asked teasingly.

“I…” She couldn’t say that she wasn’t able to fall asleep even if she was beaten to death. Yuanyuan was struck by a brainwave, “I also wanted to see the sun rise, but it’s just…I slept too soundly and woke up late. Next time I will surely be earlier than you.”

Fu Beichen raised his other hand and stroked her hair, “It doesn’t matter how late you sleep, I’ll always wait for you.”

“En.” Yuanyuan looked at the person in front of her. She was overjoyed, but also felt that everything seemed to be going too smoothly, which made her a little uneasy.

After walking and sitting, they strolled around Xizhao Lake for nearly two hours. Earlier, Fu Beichen had asked her if she was thirsty, but Yuanyuan hadn’t been. At this moment, she saw a KFC across the street. She suddenly felt that her throat was a little dry so she said to Fu Beichen, “I’ll treat you to a drink, wait here for me.” As she spoke, she was about to run across the road. Who would have known that a battery-powered vehicle would quickly spin in a small circle towards the side. When it was about to hit Yuanyuan, Fu Beichen quickly stepped up, grabbed her, and turned back. The battery-powered car brushed past him and sped away.

“How are you?!” Yuanyuan looked at Fu Beichen nervously.

Fu Beichen smiled, “I’m fine.” Without waiting for her reaction, he switched to her other side, grasped her hand firmly in his left hand, and said softly, “Let’s go over together.”

Yuanyuan was a little worried and tried to look at his right hand. He cast her a rare sideways glance and said solemnly, “Walk properly.”

“Oh.”

After crossing the street and arriving at the doors of KFC, Yuanyuan immediately broke away to see his wound. This time he didn’t resist. Because the sleeves of his khaki windbreaker were rolled up, Yuanyuan saw at a glance that his bare right arm had been scraped with several irregular cuts. It wasn’t critical, but it was a ghastly sight. “Let’s go to the hospital to get it bandaged.” If she hadn’t been so reckless just now, he wouldn’t have been hurt. At this moment, Yuanyuan’s intestines were filled with regret. 

“It’s not important, it’s just a little scratch. It’ll be fine soon. Alright, didn’t you want to buy me a drink? Let’s go in.” Fu Beichen had received a big payoff for a small effort. He pushed Yuanyuan into KFC, and after entering, he went to the washroom to clean his abrasions. This could be considered as dealing with it.

But even though some red marks could be seen on his arms, his body was like jade. While the cultured and refined Fu Beichen stood in front of the counter waiting for their meals, the two female servers asked about his arm with great concern. He replied that it was fine. Meanwhile, a certain someone next to him felt even more guilty when she heard this.

Fu Beichen tilted his head to look at her. In front of the crowd, Expert Fu recited the lyrics of a song he frequently heard through his colleague’s speakers, but modified it slightly. “This life is only for you, I’m willing to paint a prison for you, what’s more, I will block all disasters for you.”2

Everyone who heard this sentence, including Yuanyuan: “……”

Fu Beichen smiled, handed her the drink he’d taken, and then gently squeezed her face. “Why is your face so red?”

Yuanyuan now felt that, in fact, Fu Beichen wasn’t as proper as everyone knew him to be.

After dinner that day, Fu Beichen took Yuanyuan to his apartment. This was because he had watched her yawn repeatedly during their meal. Fu Beichen’s apartment was located just behind the botanical garden on the edge of Xizhao Lake.

As soon as Yuanyuan entered the door, she sighed with emotion: “It’s so clean, it’s much cleaner than my place.”

“There’s a sanitation auntie that does the cleaning.”

Yuanyuan suddenly asked Fu Beichen seriously, “Is your salary very high? Do you have a lot of assets?”

Because there were some documents and a laptop on the sofa, Fu Beichen brought her to sit on a rattan chair on the balcony to get some sunlight. Only then did he answer Yuanyuan’s question: “Just the right amount, I can support you.”

Every word and phrase was thoughtful, there wasn’t the slightest bit of deliberance. It was just natural.

Yuanyuan steadied her disobedient heart. Fu Beichen stopped teasing her, took off his windbreaker, and casually placed it on the back of the rattan chair. He asked, “What would you like to drink?”

“You have a lot of tea here right? Then let’s drink tea.”

Fu Beichen said with a smile: “Okay.”

He fetched two celadon cups and Yuanyuan took one of them. “What a beautiful cup.” The colour was soft, with little hints of pink in the green.

“This is a celadon Ruyi cup.”

“Oh.”

Fu Beichen watched her take a sip and said, “Since you have tried my family’s tea, why don’t you give my family a daughter-in-law?”

These words were familiar sounding to Yuanyuan. As soon as she heard them, she knew it was from Dream of the Red Chamber. This was what Wang Xifeng had said to Daiyu.3 But looking back, now it was Fu Beichen saying these words to her.

Daughter-in-law? Daughter-in-law!

A proposal?

Consequently, Yuanyuan’s hands trembled, and the beautiful green Ruyi cup shattered to the ground.

“Ah!” Yuanyuan immediately wanted to crouch down and examine it.

“Don’t pick it up, be careful not to hurt your hand.” Fu Beichen bent down and stretched out his hand to grab her arm. Yuanyuan jumped up abruptly. At this moment, Yuanyuan felt something warm touch the corner of her mouth. When she realized what it was, she was instantly dumbfounded—it seemed she had brushed against his face. Fu Beichen helped her sit up with a somewhat complicated expression. Out of the corner of her eyes, Yuanyuan glanced at the pieces of broken porcelain on the ground and said, “I’m sorry. I’ll compensate…”

Before she could say the words “for your cup”, Fu Beichen used his right hand to softly seize the nape of her neck and brought her towards him. His eyes were dark and heavy. There was no expression on his face. In a soft voice, he said: “Cheng Yuanyuan, how are you going to compensate?”

?????? “Using money?”

After that, Fu Beichen kissed her.

On Monday, after Yuanyuan got off work, she suddenly didn’t know what to do. This was because Fu Beichen had temporarily gone to Jingdezhen on Sunday and would be coming back the day after tomorrow. She often thought of Fu Beichen, and the softness residing in Yuanyuan’s heart would always stir her gently.

Because it was boring to go home, Cheng Yuanyuan, the good Chinese employee, worked an extra half-hour shift. When she walked out of the gates of the Journal Centre Building, she was stunned to see a figure clearly waiting for someone under the big osmanthus tree at the entrance. That person was actually Cheng Bai. Cheng Bai also saw her and came over, “Why do you get off work so late?”

He sounded the same as usual, but his behaviour??????

Yuanyuan looked at him and suddenly recalled that night when he had said, “Do you want to be with me?” Was this person being genuine…Was her brain broken? She tried her best to adjust to a normal tone of voice, “You came to find me, what’s the matter?”

“Passed by after work. Waited for you so we could go together,” Cheng Bai said lightly, but Yuanyuan was stunned by it. These words felt like déjà vu.

In the past, when she was in junior high and he was in high school, her school had not been far away from his. Every time she was dismissed at the end of the day, she would run over to his school and wait for him to finish class. Then she would tell him: “Anyway, I was just passing by, so I waited for you so we could go together.”

Yuanyuan saw Cheng Bai’s car parked on the side of the road. She truly regarded him as a close relative now, so she didn’t have the heart to refuse, but she shook her head subconsciously. Although this was the peaceful coexistence with Cheng Bai that she had always yearned for, right now, she was suddenly a little scared. “I’ll take the bus by myself, thank you.” Yuanyuan didn’t wait for Cheng Bai to say any more. She turned around and ran.

When she got off work the next day, a torrential rain suddenly poured from the sky. Clearly the sun had been shining brightly at noon. Yuanyuan hadn’t brought an umbrella. She stood at the doors of the building, watching for a while. It hadn’t rained for long, so she felt that it would stop soon. She was about to turn around and go back to the office to ask Wang Yue, who was working overtime that day, to take her to the bus station. However, in the next two seconds, she saw someone taking quick steps towards her—Cheng Bai was holding an umbrella and carrying another in his hand.

Yuanyuan looked at the man in the rain, thinking about yesterday, and again today. At last, she realized his intention.

He was…repeating what she’d done for him in the past?

Yuanyuan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

It’s just, some things had already passed. Spilt water could not be retrieved; the damage had already been done. Even if they came again, what was the meaning of having things remain the same once the people had changed? Or perhaps, she should cooperate with him to act out the past: Rushing over to knock the umbrella out of his hand, then saying, “Go.”

Of course, she wouldn’t do it.

Because of the heavy rain, Cheng Bai’s trousers were soaked through. When Cheng Bai stood in front of Yuanyuan, the security guard from the lobby of the first floor, Mr. Wan, suddenly came over and said to Yuanyuan of his own accord, “Xiao Cheng, is this your boyfriend? Coming to pick you up on a rainy day, it’s very good.” The security guard turned on his praising mode.

Yuanyuan hurriedly explained: “No, no, he’s not my boyfriend. Mr. Wan, you misunderstood.”

Mr. Wan didn’t care. He had the most trust in his eyes that had read countless people. In his heart, he was certain that he wasn’t mistaken.

“Okay, okay, okay, he’s not, he’s not.” Mr. Wan laughed heartily, then approached Cheng Bai and said, “It seems that we still haven’t completely finished our pursuit. Young man, jiayou. Keep working hard, ah.”

Hearing this, Cheng Bai unexpectedly did not refute, but instead replied: “I will.”

Mr. Wan didn’t continue to be a light bulb and happily set off. Before Yuanyuan could open her mouth, Cheng Bai first handed her an umbrella and said, “I’ll send you.”

Yuanyuan watched him for a while, and finally nodded. As she got into the car, Yuanyuan closed her umbrella first. Cheng Bai used his own umbrella to cover her until she was in the car completely. This scene happened to appear in front of the eyes of Fu Beichen, who had just gotten out of his own car.

Fu Beichen had returned to Jinghai a day ahead of schedule and didn’t want to go home right away. He wanted to go over and see her first. Due to such a large downpour, it was inconvenient for her to take the bus. It was just right for him to send her back. Unexpectedly, the quick-footed climbed up first; Cheng Bai was one step ahead. Fu Beichen got back in his car, thinking in his heart, So long as she gets home safely, it’s good. But he didn’t drive away immediately. He took out a pack of cigarettes from the glove compartment. He rarely touched cigarettes, except for the times when he needed to stay up late to finish his research work. He would only smoke one to refresh himself, or when he was in a bad mood. At this moment, he lit the cigarette but didn’t smoke it, merely looking at the sparks from the cigarette flickering. He watched the smoke rise in spirals, gathering then scattering.

When half of the cigarette had burned, the phone rang. It was He Pu calling.

“Have you come back from out of town? Are you free? Let’s have dinner together.”

“Some other time.”

He Pu and Fu Beichen had known each other for too long. With just a few brief words, He Pu could feel the slight gloominess in Fu Beichen’s tone.

“What is it? Are you in a bad mood?”

“A little.” Fu Beichen pressed at his temple with the hand that was holding the cigarette.

“If you say it’s a little, then it’s very much.” He Pu was amazed. “According to the quality of your rock-solid, well fortified mind, what else could possibly effect you? Allow me to guess, it’s that young lady Yuanyuan?”

“I’m driving.” The implication in those words was to coerce him into hanging up.

He Pu hurriedly said, “Wait, it’s my family’s old man who wants you to come over for dinner.” He smiled and said, “It’s been a long time since I played chess with you, and I miss you so much. In the eyes of my grandfather, you’re like his blood-related grandson. I seldom go back home, I only got two scoldings.”

Fu Beichen paused. “Alright, I’ll come over.”

He had previously found out about her past with Cheng Bai.

He thought, he really should have found her sooner—

In that way, he could be good to her earlier. He would accompany her to eat, look after her while she studied, sacrifice his life for her, and take her place in getting a scar behind the neck…

He thought that this psychological quality was still not adequate enough in the end. He regretted his late arrival so much. Either at first or now, he was not anxious. He was merely regretful from the bottom of his heart.

Cheng Bai sent Yuanyuan to Hongfeng New Village. After the car stopped, Yuanyuan didn’t get off immediately, but turned to Cheng Bai. She felt that she had to make it clear to him. They must not have an unpleasant ambiguity.

“Cheng Bai, you…really don’t have to do this.”

“This is what I owe you.”

His hair was wet from when he had held his umbrella for her as she got in the car. Now it was still a little damp as it dangled down, making him seem less fierce than usual.

“I don’t want you to pay it back.”

“I’m willing to.”

At this moment, Yuanyuan finally believed that what he had said before was real. But…but they couldn’t go back.

We can’t go back. This was the most impressive sentence when Yuanyuan watched Eighteen Springs4 for the first time. That’s what Manzhen had said to Shijun. What they couldn’t go back to was the youth that they recalled fondly.

Just like her impetuousness in liking him when she was in her teens, it only belonged to those years.

“Cheng Bai, isn’t it good for us to just forget about each other in the rivers and lakes?5 I remember that He Baorong also frequently said this to Li Yaohui in Spring Light at First Glance, but they still didn’t get together in the end. And yet, the English name of the movie is Happy Together.”6

The rain outside was pattering against the roof of the car, making it even more quiet and solemn inside.

Yuanyuan thought Cheng Bai would continue to stay silent until she suddenly heard him speak. His voice was a little hoarse: “Okay, if this is what you want.”

Yuanyuan unfurled her umbrella and stood in the rain, watching the car drive away until it disappeared.

He wouldn’t come again, Yuanyuan knew. She understood him like she understood herself. She knew everything he liked and everything he hated.

Yuanyuan couldn’t tell exactly how she felt in her heart. She was a little sad, but also relieved.

When love sprouted, it was tender and fragile, like a small flower that had just stretched out its stems and leaves in the mountains. It didn’t know whether it could bloom or not, and it didn’t know which sudden wind or rain would make it disappear. It just used its miniscule life effort to hold on until exhaustion. If it couldn’t bloom, then it could only be turned into spring mud, nourishing the next flower that was destined to take root in that small piece of land. That was another love after sublimation.

When Yuanyuan walked home, she wanted to talk to Fu Beichen, but she thought that he must’ve been very busy. Therefore, she didn’t call, but chose to send text messages instead.

“Are you busy? Today I’m so tired. I’m planning to make a bowl of stir-fried noodles to eat later, and then I’ll rest after writing some manuscripts.”

Fu Beichen had just walked through the He family’s door when he received the text message from Yuanyuan.

“Beichen, come here. Come, come, have a cup of tea with Grandpa first.”

Fu Beichen’s footsteps paused for a while. He replied: Okay. He put away the phone and walked towards the old man in the living room. 

“Very busy lately?” Grandpa He asked.

“The work gets done. I’m doing some investing.” Fu Beichen took a sip of tea. He felt that constantly thinking about one person all the time was really torturous. 

Beside him, He Pu interjected: “Investements? Recently I’ve been wanting to play with some stocks.”

Fu Beichen shook his head, “I don’t play games with large risks like that.”

He Pu asked: “Then where do you plan to invest?”

Fu Beichen just smiled and didn’t speak. Afterwards, when dinner was finished and Fu Beichen was taking his leave, He Pu asked him to go out. He suddenly remembered the investment opportunity and asked again, “What are you investing in? Futures? Funds?”

This time, Fu Beichen spoke: “Feelings.”

He needed 100% long-term holdings and long-term returns. The returns could be a little less, but it must be there.

The next day, the sky cleared after the rain. The entire city of Jinghai seemed to have been washed thoroughly. It was splendid, bright, and beautiful.

Fu Beichen arrived at the office on the dot. It was hard to discern whether his mood was good or bad. Liu Xiaoning followed her boss into his office. After talking about business, Liu Xiaoning was about to leave but was called to stop.

“Xiao Lu, recently what good movies have come out?”

Lu Xiaoning was stunned for a while, but then immediately named a romance movie she had watched with a friend the day before yesterday. “The box office and public praise are both good, and I also saw it and thought it was fine.”

“Okay, thank you.” Fu Beichen lowered his head and opened a document.

“I heard that there’s a young lady who said she’s chasing you.”

Fu Beichen’s hand paused in the midst of picking up his fountain pen. He raised his head and grinned. “She is already my girlfriend. Before, it was me who was chasing her.” He had pursued her for a long, long time…

When he was left alone in the office, Fu Beichen picked up his phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.

“Go to the movies with me tonight, okay?”

On the other end of the phone came Yuanyuan’s especially happy answer: “Okay, okay.”

“You didn’t even ask what movie?”

Yuanyuan said honestly: “As long as I’m together with you, it doesn’t matter what movie.”

In a split second, Fu Beichen smiled.

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This is a poem that I believe is called 丽春堂 (Beautiful Spring Hall). I couldn’t find anything about this poem in English, and I was unable to get any helpful explanations on Chinese sites. So please take this as a really rough translation because I’m not great with ancient poetry. Return.This is a song called 这一生只为你. I got an English translation for the lyrics here. Fu Beichen adds the lyric about blocking disasters for Yuanyuan. You can listen to it here (and enjoy the Robert Pattinson background haha). Return.This is a joke that Wang Xifeng (the villainess of Dream of the Red Chamber) says to Lin Daiyu (one of the main female protagonists of the novel). Return.Eighteen Springs is a Chinese romance film from 1997. Here’s a brief summary going off of Wikipedia: Gu Manzhen is a girl working in a factory in Shanghai. At the factory she meets a former classmate, Shen Shijun. Manzhen falls in love with Shijun, who comes from a wealthy family but is working in the factory because he doesn’t want to inherit his family’s business. Shijun’s family don’t approve of Manzhen, and after a fight, the two part ways. Some very horrible things happen to Manzhen during that time (but I won’t go into detail because they can be triggering). Later, Manzhen leaves to be a schoolteacher in another town. By the time she writes to Shijun, he has already married someone else, and her letters are burnt by his wife. Fourteen years after their parting, Manzhen and Shijun meet by chance. They catch up but realize that no matter how much they love each other, they can’t be together again as they both have their own familial obligations. This is where I’m guessing the line “We can’t go back” is used.  Return.This is a Chinese idiom that essentially means to let go of a certain feeling and let go of each other. Return.Happy Together is a Hong Kong romance film from 1997. It’s a good movie, I’d highly recommend it. The movie follows the two central characters Ho Powing (He Baorong in Mandarin) and Lai Yiufai (Li Yaohui in Mandarin), who break up at the beginning and go on their own personal journeys. Return.