Amara – Reunion

Author's note: this is from Seraphina's point of view

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I sat on my bed with the spiky measuring device in front of me, armed with newly found determination as I thought about everything I did so far to get my pheromones stirring.

My practice sessions would start with me sitting and getting into the right state per Vesper's instructions.

Next, I would focus on one of the incidents that got me previously scared to the point of getting my pheromones spiking with the goal to sense changes in my body, grasp that feeling and try to control it.

Just like in my dreams, I would be vividly aware of everything happening to me to the point of feeling it with all my senses, but I was only an observer without the power to change the course of events.

I thought about each memory I was using; how I met Lazarus, when the people from the fair chased after me, and when I met Krob, and I felt… nothing much.

Immediately, I understood the problem.

My approach was to invoke fear and control the changes it invokes in me, yet I failed right at the start because I was not afraid.

Sure, initially, those experiences were horrifying, but as I relived them over and over again, their effect faded. Also, those events already happened, so just thinking about them in the safety of my room was not producing the desired effect because I was aware that those are only memories.

Aldus explained that until I learn to control my powers and invoke them willingly, they will be automatically triggered by strong stimuli.

How can I experience fear on purpose?

Do I scare myself? Or I hurt myself? No, I'm not self-destructive.

Should I ask Aldus to scare me? It won't work if I know that it's coming, and as much as I need to experience fear, it needs to be in a controlled environment where I can focus instead of running for my life.

My best option was to look into my memories and find something scary I didn't use so far... something that didn't wear off yet.

I thought about the memories I recollected so far. My childhood was quite uneventful and with my parent's cold behavior toward me, I learned at a young age to be self-sufficient without forming unnecessary attachments with a belief that people who get close can hurt me.

The one who broke through my barriers was Duke and as much as he was the source of my joy, he wielded the power to harm me.

With that, I was brought to the part of my memories where I didn't dare to look, fearing what I will see. I didn't want to find out the reason why Duke does not appear in my memories beyond high school. Do I need to go there? Duke is my lifeline, and I will prefer to relive negative memories about him only if it's absolutely necessary.

I groaned in frustration. Is there no other way?

Out of the blue, an idea hit me… there is one more thing that I was avoiding, and maybe that is what I need.

It is potentially the worst moment from the past my subconsciousness is hiding from me, but I am willing to do anything in order to keep my memories of Duke as happy.

I sat in the lotus position and adjusted my breathing. By now, I was good at this, and within seconds I've got into the right state as my mind took me outside the safety of my room and the daylight was replaced with night.

The medieval-sounding string music blasted, and I heard people laughing.

I was moving through a street toward a town square in Venice that was full of people wearing colorful outfits and masks on their faces. There were definitely more than two hundred people present, making the square appear smaller than it is, and more people were pouring in by the second.

"Wow! This is a big party!", I exclaimed while observing the lively crowd.

"I told you that it's worth coming to the carnival!", Willow responded with a big grin on her face.

"The weather is great, and the full moon is setting a romantic mood. If we are lucky, we will find Italian hunks to make this vacation more enjoyable.", Adele said.

"We should buy some masks…", I said while gesturing toward a stand on the side.

Ruby grabbed my hand that was pointing toward the stand and pulled me in the opposite direction. "We can do that later. Let's get drinks first!"

I observed three young women who were with me, Willow, Ruby, and Adele. Willow and Adele were from my high school. We were not in the same class, but I knew them. Ruby was a new face. Something told me that all three of them were my college classmates and that we were in Venice as a part of a larger group of students who decided to come here for a vacation before we graduate.

"Shouldn't we dance first?", I asked.

I was never much of a drinker. It's not that I am against alcohol, but I don't enjoy the taste and it never had much effect on me. On a few occasions when I drank, I was barely buzzed while everyone else at the table collapsed. They told me that I have a resistance to alcohol, and I wondered if that was a real thing or an excuse to cover up for their low tolerance.

"We will dance better after a drink or two…", Willow said, and I saw Adele nodding in confirmation.

I followed after them and when we were next to the fountain, Willow gestured toward it while talking to me and Adele, "The two of you sit here and save us a spot. Ruby and I will get drinks for everyone."

There was nothing wrong with Willow's suggestion. There were no other sitting areas on this square (how much I could see), and the fountain's edge was lined up with partiers who were resting their legs with one gap, just right for the four of us.

Adele tugged my hand and we sat on the edge of the fountain.

I wondered, why am I with these girls, and why are they so friendly with me? OK. They are not exactly friendly, but they are talking to me without scowling, and that was unusual. In high school, Willow and Adele ignored me, just like most of the others who found out about my humble background. They labeled me as unworthy and called me many ugly names when they thought I was not listening. Other than Duke, the ones who didn't ignore me were openly hostile and Ruby appeared to be fitting into that crowd perfectly.

Did things change during my years in college, and I made friends? It didn't seem like it because I didn't feel close to them, everything was fake and forced. Did I change to the point of wanting to be friends with them?

The fact that Adele was looking anywhere other than at me the moment Ruby and Willow left, proved my conclusion. Not friends. Adele was always the timid one, good as a supporter but never a leader. No wonder her presence shrank when the other two stepped away.

The sliver of my lingering consciousness reminded me not to concern myself with useless things (and people) from the past. These are my memories and I am here as an observer only. I can't change events that already happened and I should not overthink things.

I am here to find out how I ended in Aldus's laboratory with tubes attached to my body. Yes, I was here to see how I died, with the hope that the event will make me experience fear I can use to control my pheromones.

Goosebumps lined my skin, and I had a feeling that this will work. 

I observed masked people who were dancing or standing in small groups. Most of the people had only their upper half of the face covered, so I could see them smiling. Some of them wore full-face masks that revealed only their eyes which sparkled with happiness.

The atmosphere was festive, and I wondered if I've got the timing right. Is it possible that I was killed during such a joyful event?

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