Because I Cannot Hurt You

Xinyi didn't know where she was going. She just wanted to run. Her eyes were blurry and she was unable to see clearly. Tears flowed down her cheeks as her heart slowly broke. As she ran, the memories of that year and of that dreadful time flashed by her eyes, that stung them in pain.

She was in a daze. All she wanted was to get away from everything. She just wanted to disappear. She didn't want to face anyone, especially Zhiyuan. She didn't want to answer any questions. Even though he stood by her, she knew that he was hurt.

How couldn't he be?

He must have so many questions for her, but did she have answers for him?

He body finally gave up, and she stopped running. She leaned on a pillar, furiously huffing and puffing. Her chest heaved up and down as sweat formed on her forehead. Her knees got weak and she slowly collapsed.

Huang Rong's harsh words rang in her ears until her head started to ache.

"Xinyi!"

She stiffened.

Caihong came rushing to her side and found her slumped in a corner, her thin body trembling and quivering. Seeing her in that condition, she couldn't help but feel sad for her.

She knew that Xinyi had been through a lot in these years with her one-sided love.

She didn't know if she could be of any help, but she felt that she had to do something.

Caihong walked over to her and slowly kneeled down beside her. She softly placed her hand on her shoulder, making her jolt.

Xinyi turned pale and her head jerked towards her. "Zh-Zhiyuan..."

Caihong quickly said, "It's me! Zhiyuan is not here. Calm down..."

Her thudding heartbeat slowed down and she lowered her head as she looked away.

There was a long beat of silence.

Caihong bit her lower lip. She gently tugged her and pulled her in a hug. Xinyi stiffened and her wet eyes widened in surprise.

Caihong tenderly caressed her back and whispered to her, "It's okay..."

Xinyi trembled.

"I know it's hard for you. But j-just take a deep breath, okay? Please..." She whispered.

Feeling the warmth of a friend's hug, she silently broke down.

"What...what will I say to Zhiyuan? I-I don't know anything, Caihong," she wailed and cried hard, "I don't know how to face him. He must have felt...so hurt, right? I-I couldn't even dare to see his expression...I don't know how to explain to him that I regret it a lot. I really love Siying. I cannot live without him. B-but it's also true that I had decided to...abort him at one point. How should I-"

"Ssh..." Caihong raised her head and stared straight into her eyes. "Stop overthinking. You don't have to explain anything to anybody, not even to Zhiyuan, okay?"

Xinyi bit her lip hard. "But..."

"No, you don't. I mean, it's your choice in the end, but if you are uncomfortable, nobody can force you to answer or judge your decision. And this... nobody can understand it better than me, Xinyi," her eyes slightly rimmed in tears.

"Even though our circumstances might be different, we still went through the same phase. Look it's..."

Caihong felt a little helpless in explaining herself. When she heard the truth, she was indeed shocked to the core.

Why would Xinyi ever decide to abort Zhiyuan's child, especially when she loved him so much? She should have been the happiest woman on earth. But even still...

"Xinyi you... don't have to feel regretful of your decision in the past. I know it's hard to think that way, but you really shouldn't."

Xinyi shook. "H-How can I not?"

"Because you are a human, Xinyi. As a human, we are bound to feel pain, disappointment, hurt and helplessness. And it's fine if at one point of weakness, you decided something for yourself. You only did that to protect yourself, and we are wired that way. It's our instinct to protect our heart from feeling hurt because nobody likes to live with pain.

I know there must be a severe reason for you to take that step because we all know how you are. You are so kind that you cannot even hurt a fly. How would you think of hurting Siying if not something really terrible had happened? Nobody can judge you. Nobody has that right."

Caihong wiped her tears and faintly smiled. "Xinyi, I am saying this because I have gone through this myself," her eyelashes trembled. "Didn't I try to abort Chyou? But you know how my situation was. My life had turned upside down and then suddenly a baby came along way that I...d-didn't want. I do realize now that Chyou wasn't at fault, and I am trying to slowly mend things between us. But at that lowest point of my time seven years back, I couldn't help but think like that. I was already hurt. I was in no condition to accept Xiaosi's child. It was inevitable that I..."

She let out a soft breath. "You can call me harsh and the world can label me as a cruel woman, but I still don't blame myself for trying to abort her because that is what I felt was right at that time, considering what I had gone through."

She pursed her lips. "Something must have happened with you too that forced you to take such an extreme decision. The important thing is that you came over it. That is why nobody is allowed to point fingers at you. Your heart changed. You love Siying more than anything else now. That's what matters. Your present with your son, not your past."

Xinyi stared at her in a daze. Hearing her words, for the first time in three years, she felt as if a huge burden was slowly lifting off her chest. All this time, she was the only one who consoled herself.

Sometimes, she could. Sometimes, she couldn't.

But now, when somebody else understood her pain and said such kind words that she always wanted to hear, she felt a lot lighter and fuzzy in her heart. 

Caihong said, "Don't take Huang Rong's words seriously. She just being a jealous bitch like Shuang said. She misunderstood the whole situation between you and Qin Fuhua and without even bothering to clarify it, she went this far as to humiliate you. You don't have to feel guilty. She should!" She fumed as her nostrils flared. "In fact, she should rub her nose on the floor and apologize to you!"

---

Back in the party room, Qin Fuhua lost his patience. "Rong, you have to apologize to Xinyi! That was horrible and completely insensitive of you to do that. How many times should I tell you that I asked Xinyi to accompany me at all times? And if you knew about this already and had problems with it, you should have told me this sooner! Instead, you did something uncalled for! Do you have any idea how Xinyi must be feeling?"

A tear slipped down her eye as Huang Rong angrily laughed. "How could you shout at me like that in... in front of everyone? I am your fiance."

Shuang banged her fist, making her jump back. She threateningly stepped towards her. Her gaze was pitch black, clouding in danger. "Now you feel embarrassed!? When you insulted Xinyi like that, didn't your conscience hurt even a little bit at that time? Does only your reputation matter? Who do you think you are to interfere in her matter!"

Qi Xia sighed. "Shuang is right, Rong. You went too far. I mean look. Even tonight, did any of you feel that Xinyi was trying to get closer to Fuhua? She acted so normally."

Ding Cuifen nodded. "I have to agree. I don't know if it's true or not if Xinyi liked Fuhua, but...it's seven years now. It was a crush. She is married and has a child and to think that she would try to abort because of Fuhua...it doesn't make sense to me."

Huang Rong felt cornered and she gritted her teeth. 

Qin Fuhua shook his head. "Rong. Xinyi and I were just classmates. I am sure she didn't like me. There must be a misunderstanding. And I bullied her just to tease her, not because I had feelings for her. I never saw her in that way. I..." His gaze had a hint of disappointment, "I cannot believe you would do this..."

Huang Rong looked at him, stunned. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "You are disappointed in me? Do you know how I felt seeing you two together? How could you ignore my feelings?"

Shuang laughed. "Wow, that's some hypocrisy I hear. You are ignoring all the feelings here and you are talking about your own. You get what you give, bitch!"

"Shuang, mind your language!" Huang Rong glowered.

"I am still being too easy on you. If I came down on my real self, your face would be black and blue by now!"

Zizi approached Ah Cy and anxiously asked, "Ah Cy, Bro went to follow Xinyi. Should we go too?"

Liang shook his head. "Let it be, Xinyi. They both need some time together alone to handle this. They will have to talk at one point. As friends, we will always be with them, but right now, let Zhiyuan be with her."

Ah Cy faintly smiled. "Yes. Right now, Xinyi needs his support the most."