Before My Withering

What do I think of myself…

I’m worthless, useless, good for nothing, weak.  

Qi Shu had kept me in a cage for the past four years. In order not to tire him out, I tried my best night and day to please him, and cater to him.

Now I was no longer by his side, yet I still had to rely on another alpha to live.

From beginning ’till the end, all I could offer was my body. I couldn’t think of anything else they needed from me besides that.

So Zhou Chen could either be my benefactor, or he could be my patron.  

It’d be nothing more than moving from one transaction to another. If love was excluded in the talk, it wouldn’t make any difference.

It’d be the simplest relationship, and he and I could both take things less seriously.

As for all my naive fantasies, they all ended as early as when I’d been 18 years old. Now 22 years old, I’d learned that free kindness didn’t exist in the adult world.

You wouldn’t feel pain as long as you wouldn’t expect something. 

This was what Qi Shu taught me.

“You know full well my relationship with Qi Shu, yet still saved me. You also know full well what kind of person I am…”

I still find speaking truthfully difficult. 

“You know everything.” 

“So? Do you think I want to sleep with you or keep you?“

Zhou Chen’s voice contained his fury. It’d been the first time he’d gotten angry with me.

But why is he angry? Am I wrong?

“Isn’t it?” 

I was sitting on my knees, and when I looked up at him, a big tear suddenly rolled out without warning.

Damn it, I felt wronged because of what. 

When I’d been humiliated by Qi Shu, I didn’t feel aggrieved.

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

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I should’ve rotted in the swamp, and shouldn’t have broken into the rose garden. 

The moment our eyes met, the fury in Zhou Chen’s eyes disappeared. There was a moment of panic on his face, which then turned into restrained heartache.

Such an expression made me feel bad more than indifference and contempt.

I want to tell him not to pity me. I abandoned myself, undeserving of his sympathy.

But all I could do was sob on my words. 

The next moment, Zhou Chen hugged me.

He let me cry in his arms and whispered it’s not in my ear.

I’d finally vented the long-hidden anxiety that’d accumulated in my heart. Zhou Chen’s chest was burning hot, and I felt a little out of breath, like I was drowning in a wine cellar, surrounded by the smell of brandy.

His pheromones were so strong that they soon drove out all the other scents in the air. Even though I had turned back to beta, I still felt oppressed.

“I finally understood one thing…” he said.

“What?”

He shook his head. “No other names should be mentioned at this very moment.” 

Unlike the comforting hug in the hospital, this time, Zhou Chen embraced my whole body in his arms, in a gesture as intimate as a lover.

He was obviously the one in his susceptible period, yet I was the one being comforted. 

“Don’t want to sleep with me, don’t want to keep me, why are you so good to me? What the hell do you want…” 

I cried my heart out, as if he had wronged me in some way.

Humans had always been like this, they could endure a long time of pain, but couldn’t bear momentary happiness.

For me, the time I’d spent in Sunset Lane was a colorful bubble. If I couldn’t keep it forever, I’d rather burst it with my own hands.

“I also want to know what I want.” Zhou Chen’s sigh brushed my neck. “I want to know what made you believe that there’s only a paid relationship between people.” 

“I don’t want your moneyー”

“And I don’t want you to repay me.” He buried his head on my shoulder and took a deep breath. “If you do this again, I will really do something I’ll regret.”

After being held by Zhou Shen for a long time, I gradually calmed down. 

The house still had pheromones left by Wen Ziqing, Zhou Chen endured very hard. He couldn’t go on like this, so we went back to Sunset Lane together.

The alphas and the omegas consciously disappeared within Zhou Chen’s perceptible range, and only Mr. Butler, who was a beta, waited at the door.

When we got off the car, Zhou Chen took my hand. I was embarrassed to break away, the kind old gentleman saw it and even joked with me, saying, “The little young master really couldn’t leave sir for a moment.” 

Zhou Chen coolly said one step ahead of me, “Indeed.”

His hands were large; his palms were warm and dry, and his slender fingers held strength in it. I was rarely held in this way. All my attention was focused on our clasped hands. 

Holding hands was different from hugging, kissing and having sex. Only lovers hold hands.

In the past, Qi Shu never held my hand in private except on some social occasions. He used to take me directly to bed, and didn’t even bother to do foreplay. 

Zhou Chen had also brought me to the bed, but he only hugged me. I became his large pillow, being tightly circled in his arms.

He said he was extremely tired today and hoped I could forgive him for his unbridled behavior.

Of course I’d forgive him. 

Zhou Chen told me what had transpired.

Wen Ziqing had stolen his spare key from his old house, took a medicine to make himself go into estrus, then tried to use his pheromones to lure Zhou Chen into marking him. Unexpectedly, Zhou Chen not only held back, but had also knocked him unconscious with his bare hands, and shut him in the bedroom.

“Does Qi Shu know?” I asked.

“Probably not.” He said, “But now he does.”

I think I could understand Wen Ziqing. Qi Shu wasn’t willing to marry him, so Zhou Chen would undoubtedly be a better choice.

Then I thought of myself.. who seemed to be doing the same thing as him.. 

Aware of my stiffness, Zhou Chen asked, “What’s the matter?”

I couldn’t speak.

He paused. “Remember what you promised me?”

Remember…to tell him the negative emotions. 

“…I hate myself.” The more I thought about it, the more suffocated I felt. I curled myself up as if shirking my entirety. “I’m despicable and selfish.”

After a moment of silence, Zhou Chen laughed softly. “Per…haps. But so what?”

He ran his fingers through my hair. “Human nature is already inferior, who dares to say one’s side is different.”

The night was silent, the bedside lamp emitted a faint light. 

Under the intoxicated smell of alchohol, Zhou Chen’s voice scratched my heart, resembling a cat’s nails.

“You believe I’ll pull you out of the abyss, but what if I want to sink you into another sea.”