This thing about me becoming a girl

She knew, she always knew that she was avoiding, because if she didn't escape, she really couldn't face the reality, couldn't face the self who didn't have anything, couldn't face the self who didn't do anything.

She wanted to cry out loud, to cry, to vent.

But even so, she couldn't do it, she couldn't make any expression, couldn't make any expression, whether she was sad or happy, she couldn't do it, she could only keep crying.

She has been different from others since she was a child. She doesn't have what others have.

From the very beginning, she was not normal, she was a freak, weirdo, and monster in everyone's eyes.

She has nothing, and just like what her grandfather said, the only swordsmanship she has has been abandoned by her.

Sawamura Hoomi's cold and heartless words completely tore apart the fig leaf that Sawamura Mari Aoi had been covering tightly all along.

She is a cowardly person, a person who can't do anything.

It wasn't my father who was wrong, it was always me who was wrong, because I knew everything from the beginning, but I just avoided it, and my father just gave me a fig leaf, it was me who was always immersed in false fantasies!

Because she knew from the very beginning that her original intention of becoming a knight was not because she wanted to protect others, nor was it because she yearned for justice.

It's just because Sawamura Mariko is cowardly and afraid of being squeezed out and bullied by others, so she uses her identity as a beloved knight to protect herself.

She's never been really strong, and has always been immersed in false fantasies.

So after his father died, he chose to escape, not wanting to see such an ugly self, so he put all the responsibility on his father.

What knights, what justice, what helping others, I always knew in my heart that it was fake, it was all fake! !

It was never the path my father gave me that was false, it was me! !I have been willingly immersed in this kind of falsehood! !

Even from the beginning! !When I first met my father! !I can feel the malice in him! !I know all about it! !

Sawamura Mari Aoi's face was full of tears mixed with rain, and she wanted to cry out, but her language defect prevented her from doing so. She could only open her mouth wide, as if she had lost her voice, and whimpered a few times in pain.

She has been able to feel the kindness or malice of others towards her since she was a child, but for some reason later, this subtle feeling disappeared.

So from the very beginning, Sawamura Mari Aoi knew that Uesugi was not good to her because of family affection.

It's just that she subconsciously ignores it, because she has nothing. The false father, at least also a father, is something she owns.

So she forcibly put this matter deep in her memory and chose to forget it.

Because she has nothing, no real parents, no brothers, sisters or friends with good feelings, no beautiful life, and nothing worth remembering, not even anyone who really treats her well.

And false things are at least possessed, right?

She knew that from the moment she was born until that feeling disappeared, everyone around her, including the maid who changed every week to take care of her, had never had any kindness in her body.

That's why she doesn't speak, and has been reluctant to speak.

Maybe now that I think about it, that feeling should also be abandoned by myself.

She really couldn't bear it anymore, that's why she cared so much about Shang Shanmu, even if it was a false father, and she was so passionate about the beloved knight, and it was her only meaning.

After all, she has nothing, except for these, she really doesn't know what she has.

She was running in the heavy rain, tears flowing uncontrollably, but her face was expressionless, and even wanting to make a sad expression was an extravagant wish for her.

She was really about to suffocate, and she really wanted to cry out loud, but she couldn't do it, she couldn't do it.

It was raining heavily, and the indifferent wind was howling, and the few remaining trees on the roadside, which were the sustenance of summer, were also destroyed, leaving only broken branches and leaves.

There was a flash of lightning in the sky, and suddenly the whole world seemed like daylight, but Mari Aoi Sawamura was caught by something and fell to the ground. He fell badly, and a large puddle was splashed high.

She was covered in mud, and the rain fell on her body, which was bitingly cold, and she looked like a drowning dog.

She stood up and looked at the puddle below which reflected her face.

The rainwater kept falling and splashing in the puddles, making her reflected face extremely blurry.

She remembered that at the symposium, when she proudly introduced her father, there might be a pair of eyes in the audience that were full of red.

He also thought of Bei Daojiu's tears of despair and the pitiful appearance of Bei Daoya curled up in a pool of blood on that ship.

I have been avoiding them all the time, never helping them, not even a serious apology, just cowardly avoiding, falling into the pain of self-blame, to move myself.

Tears kept falling on the puddles and splashing waves. Mariko Sawamura's face may be ugly at this time, because she is very sad and painful. After recognizing her true self, she is even more broken and wants to make other expressions. But he couldn't do it, he could only keep trembling on his cheeks.

She couldn't even do such a simple thing.

She got up and continued running.

She really hid for a long time, the kind of inferiority complex that is different from everyone else, the cowardice of having nothing, the feeling of seeing no hope, really hid for a long, long time, it can't be described in words, after all, only Sawamura Mari Aoi understands.

And the only kendo she possessed was also abandoned by her on her own initiative.

She ran aimlessly, after all, she didn't know where to go, because she didn't even have a "home".

--------

Bei Daoya held an umbrella and walked in the rain, with a pair of shoes in his hand.

She didn't return home immediately, and she didn't go to Sawamura Mari Aoi again.

Just walking casually.

She thought about what Koizumi Gu had said to her before.

"Master Bei Dao, please make a decision within this month."

The tide of the times is just around the corner.

Bei Daoya didn't go home, and walked to the station. After getting off the bus, after a while, for some reason, he came to a place called "Xingzhen Ramen Pavilion".

This is the place where Kitajima Crow and Sawamura Mari Aoi often come to eat ramen these days.

Bei Daoya didn't know why, but when he came to his senses, he came here. It can only be said to be a coincidence.

Because of the heavy rain, the homeless old man naturally couldn't stay in the corner before, so he squatted under the eaves of the entrance of the ramen shop to hide from the rain.

Looking in from the noren curtain of the ramen shop, one can vaguely see the shadow of a bicycle piled up with large and small bags.

Seeing this, Bei Dao Ya also understood what the situation was like. It was probably an old homeless person who was unwilling to go in.

And the fact is the same as she guessed, after putting the bicycle that occupies a lot of space in the ramen shop, the homeless old man already felt that he was causing trouble to the boss, so no matter how the boss persuaded him to go in to hide from the rain, he was still stubborn. unwilling.

Bei Daoya walked into the ramen shop, and the boss was still very enthusiastic.

The boss saw that Bei Dao Ya came alone today, and just wanted to ask the lady who was with her before, Bei Dao Ya said.

“A bowl of ramen to go.”

The boss was stunned for a moment when he heard the words, but after he realized something, he looked at Bei Dao Ya with more kindness.

It didn't take long for the ramen to be packed, and Bei Dao Ya carried it to the door and sat beside the homeless old man.

The old homeless man subconsciously wanted to refuse, but then Bei Dao Ya said.

"I haven't really said thank you yet, but I really appreciate you protecting me and my classmates to the station these days. This is considered a reward, and picking up soda cans and repairing bicycles requires strength, doesn't it?"

Hearing that the homeless old man hesitated for a while, he still smiled on his aging face.

As I said before, it always makes people happy when their kindness is taken seriously by others.

Immediately, the homeless old man took the ramen, tasted it, and said.

"Mr. Ishida's ramen is as warm as ever."

As for Bei Dao Ya, he just sat on the steps, looking at the rain outside with a cold expression.

Seeing this, the homeless old man asked, "Is there something on your mind, miss?"

Beidaoya nodded when he heard the words, and said, "Yes, but I can't calm down."

The homeless old man asked, "What's the matter?"

Bei Dao Yahui: "It's just making a choice."

After she finished speaking, she turned to look at the homeless old man: "What about you, can you tell me your story?"

The homeless old man smiled when he heard the words: "It's nothing, I'm just making up for the mistakes I made back then."

After he finished speaking, he said again.

"When I was very young, about 20 years old and still in college, I was actually married. My wife grew up with me and was from the same town, so I got married very early and gave birth to a child. son.

It's very cute. Before I could speak, I was very smart. When I saw my wife and I, I would laugh and laugh, and when I wanted something, I would point and point.

But I was admitted to a university in Tokyo, and my wife did not plan to continue her studies after graduating from high school, and planned to stay in her hometown to take care of the family's fields.

At that time, my child should be about two years old.

The days went on like this. At that time, the contact method was not as convenient as it is now. At that time, my conditions were not good, so I could only use the "red phone", and sometimes I had to wait in line.

However, the only "red phone" in my hometown required my wife and son to travel for a long time to get there.

At that time, I always hoped to be able to get ahead, get a decent job, and bring a good life to my wife and son, so I devoted myself to studying and researching topics, and had little contact with my family.

Until.. my junior year.

It was the fire festival that day, and I promised my wife and son that I would go home early to accompany them to the rally.

But the morning was sometimes delayed, and by the time I got home, it was already a long time at night, and the child was lost during the assembly. "

The old homeless man said this, without much sadness on his face, a little calm.

Perhaps, it has been sad countless times before it can be exchanged for such peace.

Bei Dao Crow looked at him, not knowing what to say.

The homeless old man just smiled and said.

"However, it has been found now."

Thinking of this, he took out a mask template of Inari God from the bag on the side, and used clay of unknown material, and spread it on the mask template, and made a mask of Inari God himself.

He said slowly while making a mask.

"In those days, nothing was bad, but it was very lively. Every time the fire festival approached, every household would make their own Inari masks to pray for good weather in the coming year."

His turbid eyes looked at the mask template in the process of being made, it was very soft, and he seemed to be reminiscing, with a kind smile.

"It is said that this year's harvest is also very good. I am looking forward to it, so I have to go back before the fire festival begins."

And the North Island Crow also looked away, looking at the icy rain that was not mixed with any temperature.

If possible, the days have been so peaceful, that would be fine.

ps: 8000 words of four-in-one chapters, the code is too soft for me, this should be regarded as the update of the macho!But I found a problem, you don’t cherish this kind of combined chapters, you don’t think it’s too much, but if I divide it into four chapters directly, you will think, wow!so many!Explosively changed the author's i.