Born a Monster

552 I Hold a Bow

Anyone familiar with the Legendary Weapons knows what I went through that first night. The Legendary Weapons, it is written, are jealous. The wielder can ONLY hold their assigned weapon.

Try to hold a bow, fine. Try to string a bow, and you’ll end up holding, for example, an axe.

“Try changing the axe into an axe-head on a bow.” Pale Ram suggested.

I sighed. “That weapon isn’t unlocked.” I said.

“Well, we’re skirmishers, so unless you’ve unlocked Flash Step...”

“Sorry.” I said.

“Well, kid, then you’re a doorstop. A pothole in the road to slow the enemy. What do you want carved on your tombstone?”

“Look, I still have a number of magical support spells.”

“We need combat spells.” she snapped at me.

.....

“I have a few of those.” I said. “My main limitation is refilling my mana.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “That takes an hour to recharge after a single spell, if you’re doing it right.”

“What?” I asked. “No, it takes fifteen minutes per point of mana.”

“Same. Thing.” she insisted. “So, you have Fireball? Call Lightning Bolt?”

I listed a few of my spells.

“First level crap!” she spat. “All of us can do things like that.”

I inhaled. “They can do this for six to fifteen times per spell?” I asked.

She squinted. “NOBODY. Nobody can do that.”

“I have the mana for that.” I said. “Four to twelve times, if you need me casting rather than invoking. And before you say anything about that, I am a Truthspeaker, and literally cannot lie to you.”

“Bullshit.” she said. “I know Truthspeakers who can lie.”

“I’ve never tried it under the Axe system.” I said. “My name is...”

I made a croaking sound, and fell out of the chair, unable to breathe.

She snorted. “The trickle of foam at the edge of the mouth is overkill, kid. But I DID almost believe you.”

I massaged my throat, trying to get it to work again. What the seven hells? My System had never locked me up this hard. Never.

I had to strike my midsection, twice, upward, forcing my diaphragm to move and bruising my lungs. Even then, I had to just lay there and cough a bit. If you were musical, you could get in the third verse of Fish and the Hare before my breath actually caught and resumed as normal.

Sweat trickled from under every scale, as though I’d caught a fever.

“Kid, that was too much. Real Truthspekers...”

“Holy crap.” she said. “You’re bleeding from your eyes.”

I coughed up a wad of red phlegm. “New for me also.” I said. “Apparently the Axe uses a no nonsense interpretation of my Truthspeaker Oath.”

“Wait. You have a System other than the Axe?” she asked. “Switch back.”

“Uhm.” I said.

“Don’t bullshit me, kid. We sergeants have too much work to put up with that crap.”

“I don’t know...”

She emptied her mug of coffee into my face. It may have been cold, but I don’t need to tell you that coffee and eyeballs don’t belong in the same place at the same time.

“Got your attention?” she asked. “Good. You have SOME idea, and you’re going to try it.”

There was the sound of wooden legs scraping along the floor.

“You have until I can get another mug of coffee from the fireplace. Oh, look, I’m right here.”
<Axe System. Restart to my>

[Restart not recommended at this time. Restart to a different System is not recommended, and can have unforseen consequences. To override, focus...]

<Confirm Request.> I sent.

[The Axe System is restarting. Please be patient until Axe System returns.]

“Well?” Pale Ram asked. “Which of us is drinking this coffee?”

“I think... I think that I’ve got it. I may just need to leave the Axe behind. It doesn’t... play nice with those who use other Systems.” I said.

“Hm.” she said, taking a deep swig of her drink. “Well, let me know.”

[System Active.]

[You are a Heroic Level Mortal.]

[You have limited access to Cosmic Powers.]

[You serve Sobek, Master of the Nile.]

[Your current rank in this hierarchy is: Mortal Newcomer, Beat As Necessary to Improve Performance.]

[Your Apatropaic Counter Magics are aided by your patron.]

[Using the Coptic Scale, you have 3 points of Heku energy, of the maximum 63 you can currently store.]

[You are bound to zero of a maximum zero primary concepts.]

And on and on.

So, somehow, not my System. I was guessing this was the Demigod System, which not surprisingly gave me incredibly low ratings.

[Might: 1, Prowess: 1, Insight: 1, Mind: 1, Spirit: 1, Lower Magic:1 (Mana: 2)]

Well, it was calibrated for a different scale of...

<System. Query. Health.>

[You have 6/6 Physical Presence.] it responded.

Pale Ram grunted.

“I can’t read your face, but you’re practically radiating fear.”

“Different System.” I said. “Not used to it.”

“Can you use a bow?”

I tried to pull my bow from inventory.

[Item not found in interdimensional storage.]

In WHAT?

[Item not found in interdimensional storage.]

<System. Show contents of Inventory.>

[Contents of interdimensional storage: None.]

Crap.

[Alternate storages detected. Focus here to merge storages.]

[Merging storages. Please hold. Done. Please hold. Done. Please hold.]

That last one must have been my default System inventory, based on the time it took.

I reached into my inventory, and pulled out the bow. Still lying on the floor I strung it, pulled the string back.

“It seems I can.” I said.

“Okay, I know other people would tell you to focus on that. Instead, I want you fixing whatever the godless Fate is wrong with your System. And don’t leave the Axe there, we might actually need it, copy or not.”

I reached out to grab the Axe. It burned me with white fire.

[Incompatible System conflict.] the System told me. [Combining incompatible Systems is not recommended.]

“Ah! Ah!” I said, pulling a leather cape from my inventory, and wrapping the Axe in that.

Pale Ram was NOT impressed. I didn’t have to be a Telepath or an Empath to know. “Okay.” she said, “I’m going to need stronger stuff to deal with your uselessness. Give off light like that tonight, and it ruins our ambush, and they’ll never find your body.”

“That’s fair.” I said.

<System. Test Module Compatibility. Rhishisikk System. Omnivore Cultivation Method.>

[Method not found. Potential Match: Omnivore Cultivation Method. To accept choice...]

.....

<Accept. >


[Testing. Module is compatible. Focus here to...]

[Importing module.]

[System Stomachs converting to single interdimensional storage.]

[Import Complete.]

A quick check showed all of the scales and sliders were WRONG.

“This is going to take time.” I sighed.

“Not more than forty one minutes, it won’t.” Pale Ram said. “After that, we’ve got a combat mission.”

“I’d appreciate the distraction.” I said.

“I don’t like the implication of your words.” she said. “For the kobolds, for me, this is more than a casual thing.”

She took another sip on her coffee. “I’ve got one rule. Keep up or be put down.”

“What part of that has to do with any of the other reasons you’ve given that you might kill me for?” I asked.

“Kid, I am a sergeant, not a Truthspeaker.” she said. “If you can’t play nice with team, you can play with the ghosts, got it?”

I pulled myself into a seated position. “Each individual thing you say is easy enough to understand.” I said. “It’s where the edges don’t meet that I’m getting confused.”

Sip. “That’s okay, kid. They warned me that you were incurably stupid. Are you full up on food? Can we leave early?”

“I can hold another two meals or so.”

She sighed. “Load whatever you can carry that won’t slow you down. That was the bargain.”

Three heads of cabbage and a pigeon pot pie later, and I let her know we could depart.

“Only twenty minutes early?” she complained. “If I hadn’t seen how little you chewed, I’d complain. Hope you didn’t eat too much, our exit route is through the sewers.”

“I think I can manage that.” I said.

“Good.” she said. “Follow me.”

Out in the foothills, I met the squad. They kept changing names with each other, I think just to keep me confused. Or to try at any rate; when your smell is as keen as mine was, there were noticeable differences.

“Same as every night.” Pale Ram told them. “We kill the enemy, and kill them quiet as possible.”

“And we eat the bodies?” one of them asked.

“Nope.” she pointed at me. “That thing isn’t a goblin. If we need to kill that tonight, you can eat it.”

Several of them sniffed the air, licking their lips.

“You smell good.” one of the females said. “Bet you taste great.”

“I recommend vinegar and lemon juice with a pinch of salt.” I said. “It should counter any lingering bile and ease the imbuing process.”

The kobolds chuckled. “So cute.” the female said, “but no, we won’t need to cook you.”

“Come on.” Pale Ram said. “Hobgoblins aren’t going to kill themselves. Quota tonight is thirty.”

“That will leave us most of the night, and nothing interesting to do!” complained one.

“Let’s be sure the new guy isn’t going to slow us down, first.” Pale Ram said.