Casual Heroing

“I could definitely land the landlady if I tried hard enough,” I tell Flaminia with the tone of a seasoned warrior who knows which battles to pick.

“Yeah, and I could convince Clodia to give everyone double their salary and even a kiss on the cheek,” Flaminia snorts while rolling some dough.

“Ye of little faith,” I said with extreme disgust. “I’m repelled by the inexistent trust you put in my wondrous means.”

“You claim to be a great baker, but all I see is someone behind on his new bread-schedule,” she smiles wickedly at me.

I pout.

Yeah, yeah.

I’m not five but I pout.

Clodia likes productivity and has upped mine and Flaminia’s quota, since we both appear to be too good at our jobs. So good that we chat until she has to pull us by the ear.

“I could seduce anyone, Flaminia, my dear. I could seduce even Clodia if I wanted to. It’s called the magic stick, and I’m the love doctor,” I say with my signature wink.

Her expression suddenly goes slack. A second later, Flaminia’s now fighting back the tears while she seemingly looks over my shoulders.

Oh, God.

She’s behind me, isn’t she?

“Good evening, love doctor,” I hear a flat tone coming from behind my shoulders.

“Hey, boss,” I say with a smile so high my cheekbones are probably going to break or something.

“Thinking of trying the magic stick on me? I’d be curious to see if it bends or breaks,” Clodia says, squeezing one of my shoulders.

I cross my legs, feeling the phantom pain in my nether region.

“Sorry, boss, we were having a laugh,” I say to save myself from whatever punishment she’s devising for me. My voice goes a bit higher than normal; it’s not surprising if you consider the fear I’m currently harboring in my heart.

“As you always do,” she replies with an icy smile, her hand still squeezing my shoulder.

Listen, I’m not big. I’m no The Rock, okay? Clodia, instead, probably does the Elven version of CrossFit or something like that. I swear, her arms must be twice as strong as mine. So, I feel it’s completely fair and not at all emasculating that I feel my shoulder crumpling under the death-grasp of her demonic claws.

I suddenly exhale in contentment after she releases said clamp.

“Leave the bread behind. You two, come with me. You didn’t complain about the workload and had a wonderful run. It’s time to get to the serious stuff.”

I look at her uncomprehending.

“Flaminia,” Clodia gestures toward my work-buddy.

“Joey, you passed the test. We might as well start working on something more important. Clodia wanted me to keep an eye on you for a month or so, but in my opinion – and in the opinion of the truth-stone – you are a good kid.”

Flaminia undoes the upper part of her uniform to show a little pin close to her collarbone.

Oh, shoot, that’s a truth-stone? But how can she see?

“It heats up if you lie about something. Save from the jokes that got picked up as lies, you are the most ingenuous kid I have seen in a big city.”

“Wait a second,” my eyes go wide, “what the hell is this? Clodia planted you here to keep an eye on me?”

Flaminia nods and winks toward me, trying to copy my signature move.

“Flaminia is my highest leveled employee and the most talented baker in the entire place,” Clodia says. “When you got here with several different ideas, including caramel, I asked her if she had ever heard of it. It was easy to reproduce once we knew what to do, but the idea had simply never been tried by anyone we know of.”

Well.

They pulled a big switcharoo on me, didn’t they?

“And you had Flaminia tail me to make sure I wasn’t a scammer?”

Flaminia snorts by the side.

“No, Joey. I offered because I wanted to know the human who had developed a new baking technique without even thinking about it. The same supposed [Baker] with no class. You also know some secrets about bread and many other things, don’t you?”

I look at her and frown.

Another person would feel betrayed, maybe. I am a sucker for deception and drama, and I truly have to commend their play. I mean, not that I was attentive or anything like that. But they did well and they treated me fairly.

“So, now I’m off to being tortured by two beautiful Elves until I spit out everything I know?” I say with a smile and only half joking.

Flaminia suddenly assumes the betrayed expression that should have been my prerogative.

“What?! How can you even think something like that?!”

Clodia puts up a hand in front of her and looks at me dead-right in the eyes.

“I’m going to offer you a magical contract that will—”

“WOAH! I’m not signing any magical contract!” I put up my hands.

“I assure you; we can go along with whatever terms you are thinking, just don’t dismiss—” Clodia tries to say with the most reasonable tone she’s ever used since I met her.

“No, no, no. To hell with contracts. I’m not signing it,” I cross my arms.

“So, he is really afraid of clerks and paperwork,” Clodia looks at Flaminia, who’s looking back with an ‘I told you’ expression hanging on her face.

“Joey, what if I call Lucinda to be your approved legal representative in this transaction? We can make sure she will make enough money she will not even think of saying no.”

“And we can make this as quick as possible,” Clodia says with a sincere smile.

“No, no!” Flaminia, for a second time, puts her hand in front of the chef. “This is going to take a long time. The negotiation will be long and drawn out. You will need to spend a lot of time with your legal representative. Hours, maybe even burning the midnight oil together to figure out the best solution for your deal.”

Clodia stares at her, not yet catching up.

I, instead, have caught up really well.

And my hand is so stretched out it could fall off at any moment.

“Oh, Flaminia, you truly know this old heart,” I say with a wolfish grin.

“Oh yeah, baby,” she replies with eyes sharper than a fox, “game’s on.”