Casual Heroing

The [Shopkeeper] throws his knife at Princess Bianca. I’m not sure if he used a skill like [Bullseye Throw], but the distance between them is a few feet at best. That would be a big problem if Princess Bianca wasn’t wearing a custom-made enchanted anklet with a shield spell.

The knife bounces off the shield and then falls to the ground. Princess Bianca is unharmed, but she’s not happy. Not. One. Bit.

The [Shopkeeper] yells something in slang that I barely understand, but it’s probably something like, “Get out of my sight, you detestable pig!”

And then, all hell breaks loose.

See, I don’t know what you know about Wallorian Treasurers, but they are the meanest bastards you can picture in any scenario. They are like the Vanedenis of animals – and I think it was Lord Juler who actually said that. Now, imagine the proud [Hero] comparing the little white pig to his people. That’s not something you say lightly, is it?

Princess Bianca starts to glow in bright white light, and then she charges at the [Shopkeeper] with an ear-piercing squeal. The [Shopkeeper] is blown away by the impact, but Princess Bianca doesn’t stop there. She begins to destroy the entire stand, scattering Astraiae everywhere.

By the time she’s done, in no more than a few seconds, the stand is nothing but rubble, with the [Shopkeeper] lying on the ground, badly injured and bleeding. Princess Bianca is still squealing, and she’s now covered in Astraiae, her fur thick with yellow juice. I’m not sure what to do. This is definitely not what I had in mind.

The [Bodyguards], two tall and heavily armored fellas, lunge, trying to stop her. But they’re no match to an enraged Wallorian Treasurer.

They’re quickly dispatched by the raging, shining pig. And Princess Bianca continues her rampage. As I start to foresee a great disaster, having initially underestimated her fury, I butt in to stop her, but it’s like trying to stop a freight train with your bare hands. I manage to get in front of her and grab her by the back, but she twists like an alligator and just throws me off like I’m a rag doll. I hit the ground hard amidst the high-pitched squeals and saw stars.

When I come back to my senses, the market is already deep in chaos. Princess Bianca is gone, and the [Shopkeeper] is bleeding profusely from his leg. The [Bodyguards] are nowhere to be seen. I get up and dust myself off.

“Are you ok, pal?” I ask the [Shopkeeper] as I hold out a hand to help him up.

“What do you think, you idiot?” he hisses at me, slapping away my peace offer. Heh, I guess Princess Bianca just burned down a lot of bridges down here.

I should probably send Marcellus to do my shopping anyway. He probably doesn’t know how to pick the good stuff, though. Damn pig.

“My leg is broken, and my Astraiae are ruined!” the guy screams.

“I’m sorry,” I say, genuinely contrite. On the one hand, I’m angry about the casual speciesism and the knife, but on the other, we could have solved this in a more civil way, I guess.

“I’ll pay for the damages,” I say, looking around the half-destroyed store with wooden pieces presenting tiny bites here and there.

“Get out of here, you Worm!” he screams at me as he’s carried away by some other Elves who are now eyeing me with even more disgust.

I sigh.

This is going to be a long day.

...

Not many people are interested in picking a fight with me. They do seem to remember that I had that little thing with the duels. You know what I’m talking about – please, don’t make me repeat it again. I’m not super proud of what happened on that occasion.

I sigh. Princess Bianca is not in any real danger, given the astronomical amount of enchantments the little pig is wearing. Lord Juler took it up on himself to make her into a little tank. Add to that the weird abilities she gets, and there you go. Also, you can’t really read her class for some reason. Apparently, Wallorian Treasurers are naturally resistant to [Scry] or anything else that reveals stuff about them. As I’m walking and looking around for more signs of mayhem, I suddenly hear a voice.

“Blimey, that’s Joey!”

I snort.

Jesus Christ.

I turn and find myself staring at a woman who could give Penelope Cruz a run for her money. She’s wearing a low-cut robe that hugs all the right places, and I can see her generous cleavage.

Damn.

She’s got my attention.

“Joey!” she exclaims as she comes up to me and gives me a big hug.

I’m frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not sure what to do.

My heart starts beating faster.

“Penny!” I exclaim.

“That’s not my name,” she says, but she’s smiling.

“What is it then?” I ask, trying to keep my cool.

Calm down, Joey. It’s just a super-hot woman who hugged you while you are clearly emotionally starved for female affection. And companionship in the bed sheets.

“Penelope,” she replies.

“Penelope,” I repeat.

“Yes, Penelope,” she says, looking into my eyes. Her dark eyes are like two pools of melted chocolate, inviting you to dive in and get lost in their depth. Her gaze is hypnotic, and you can feel her looking into your soul as she stares at you. Her eyes are full of passion and promise, and there’s a fire burning within them. You know that if you were to give yourself to her, she would take you to places you’ve never been before and show you things you never knew existed.

I can feel myself getting lost in them.

“Well, Penny, I find you well,” I smile.

“Oh, don’t call me that,” she says, slapping my arm.

God.

Please.

Help me resist the temptations.

Please.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her.

“I was looking for you, obviously,” she says, leaning close to me.

I can smell her perfume. It’s intoxicating.

“I need your help,” she whispers.

“With what?” I manage to ask while still dazed.

“I’ll tell you later,” she stands up straight and takes my hand.

“Come with me.”

Oh, boy, this is no good. This woman is too aggressive! That’s my kryptonite!

...

Having completely forgotten about Princess Bianca by now – who’s probably already lazying it out at home anyway – I look at a kitchen with at least a dozen attempts to produce something. When Penelope finally told me that she just wanted to chat, Earther to Earther, I felt somehow relieved. Sure, she’s very exuberant, but that doesn’t mean I should fall for her just like that.

Hopefully.

In a way, this could be my first trial. Like Hercules. Yeah. Exactly.

“Wow, you can’t cook, can you?” I say while looking at the huge mess.

“Oi, Joey. I never really had time to dedicate myself to it. Told you I needed your help; I know you are a great [Baker]. Would you mind making something while we chat? I’ll clean up the place in the meanwhile,” Penelope says.

“Sure,” I say, partially bewildered. I start opening up cupboards, only to find ingredients laid out haphazardly, and most of them expired. Or on their way there.

“Just make something simple. I’m not really a fan of sweets, so don’t go too crazy with the sugar,” Penelope adds.

“Got it.”

I’ll just make some chicken if I can find it. I wasn’t planning on actually baking sweets.

“So, when did you come to Epretos? And do you know other Earthers? Also, isn’t all of this a bit weird? Am I the only one who’s weirded out? Like, you just came to me and--” I stop halfway through the sentence.

“Whoa, whoa,” she interrupts me. “One question at a time, lad. Don’t go all bonkers on me, Joey.”

Damn sexy British accent.

And she’s not even British!

How can that be fair?

“Sorry,” I say, scratching my head. “You caught me by surprise. I was having a bad day because of the speciesism in this place. And my pig ran away. I mean, she’s probably safe. But still. It distracts me.”

“Your pig?”

“Yeah, Princess Bianca. It’s a small white pig. She was with me when you were stalking me outside the house.”

“Oh, right!” she exclaims. “The little white animal! It was dark, and I didn’t really see it properly.”

“Anyway, back on topic.”

“Oh, come on, Joey. Isn’t that super cute that you have a little piggie? I’d like to meet her!”

Is this woman flirting with me?

Whatever.

“Yo,” I say, trying to regain my composure. “What’s up? I’m here. Now, let’s get talking, please.”

“Fine,” she says, suddenly more serious. “I’ll answer your questions one by one then. But I had in mind a nice chat, not an interrogation.”

“Thank you,” I say, and start preparing the chicken to avoid fidgeting with my hands.

“I came to Epretos years ago,” she starts. “I’m from Earth, just like you. As for other Earthers, I know just a few. I have no idea how we got here, nor if we can ever go back. And to be honest, I do think it’s weird that we are all here. This whole thing is super weird.”

“I know, right?” I say with a shrug.

“It’s like I’m in a dream or something. But it feels so real. I pinch myself and everything.”

I bite my tongue before adding, ‘if you need, I could also help with the pinching.’

“Anyway, you know that feeling, I bet,” she says. “It’s like having déjà vu all the time. But, on the bright side, we are the only ones who are from Earth. And, in a way, that makes us special.”

“In a way,” I say, not really convinced.

“So, tell me more about you, Joey,” she says while cleaning up the kitchen. “What’s your story?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m just a regular guy, I guess. I was born in the States and traveled around a bit to learn how to bake. That’s pretty much it.”

“And then you came here, the guy who slayed Appius and a Dragon on the same day, a disciple of a Vanedeni Princess whom everyone thought dead,” she says.

“Yeah,” I say, my mood suddenly souring. “That’s a good summary. I’m in a weird place with weird people; a lot of hostility around me. But at least I have some fun.”

“I know how you feel,” she says with a wink.