Casual Heroing

Stan is a name from Earth. I mean, Augustus, too, is a name that could be from Earth. But Stan was a proper name where Augustus would probably get you bullied from 1st grade to the end of high school.

“A human, you say?” I question Stan.

“Yes. A gentle lady that crossed Amorium two years ago,” he has a happy smile. “I wasn’t always so in peace, but she was kind enough to take care of me and show me that the world is not so crooked as I used to think.”

Is Stan one of those hidden masters who pose as homeless people and hermits in videogames and stories; the same people who then go on to teach the main character some insane technique? Would I get some insane skill if I give him some food?

But more importantly, a question now haunts me.

Two questions.

First, was this woman from Earth.

Second…

“Was this woman hot?” I ask Stan.

The sweet old man frows.

“Hot?” he asks.

“Yeah, man, hot? You told me a woman lady changed your life. If she’s hot too, she could be prime wife material!”

His attitude does a complete 180 degrees turn.

“You scoundrel! I tell you about a woman who changed my life upside down and you ask if she’s hot!?” the old man loses his calm and a few passer-bys glare at me.

“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t want to upset you. I was joking, I was joking,” I raise my hands in the air.

God, I’m really tired. Subtlety is not my strong suit at the moment.

“You better not be disrespectful, child,” Stan glares at me, “that woman was the fairest I have ever met. And she was just slightly older than you.”

Have I mentioned before that I’m a pig?

Well, if you didn’t know before, now you know.

My brain translates those words into the crasser equivalent and I’m finally content.

‘Yes, she was hot.’

“You hungry, Stan? I work for Happy Bakery and I’m sure we could spare some good food for you. I’d like to help if I can.”

The man stares at me with furrowed brows before nodding slowly.

“Thank you, young Human. That’s very charitable of you.”

“Does the big guy there need to eat too?” I gesture at the enormous dog.

“Yeah, he usually gets scraps from random people, but today we still haven’t got much,” Stan seems more embarrassed about not feeding his dog than starving himself.

“I’ll be back shortly,” I wave to him and start walking towards Happy Bakery. I still cannot wrap my head around the name.

My apartment, Stan, and Happy Bakery are all very close to each other. I mean, I used to live in one of the most chaotic cities in the world. A ten-minute walk to me is like having my workplace next to my toilet.

On the path to the bakery, Lucillus and Antoninus intercept me.

“There you are,” Lucillus says with a reproachful tone.

Antoninus looks at me and yawns, clearly not as worried about my wellbeing as Lucillus.

“You are not supposed to wander around the city on your own at the moment, not until the negotiation with Happy Bakery is done. That’s the deal. By not respecting the directives you’ve got, you put my job in danger. I’m not going to look like an unprofessional idiot because you had to take a stroll. Is that clear?”

Boy, Lucillus can really be intense.

But he’s right.

“You are right, I’m sorry. I met with this Elf, Augustus, who wanted to take me out for lunch. I was going to Happy Bakery right after, but I got talking with the nice homeless guy.”

“Stan?” Antoninus suddenly perks up.

“Yep.”

“Stan is a blast,” the burly guard laughs out loud. “I love him. He’s probably the smartest person in the city. He’s even smarter than Lucillus. He knows so many things you wouldn’t believe it.”

Huh. My secret-expert theory might pan out, apparently.

“Anyway, I’m sorry, Lucillus. I’ll make sure you get a recommendation letter or whatever you guys do when you do a wondrous job.”

Lucillus is rubbing his forehead while his eyes stay closed.

“Whatever,” Lucillus says, “let’s go to the bakery. My cousin is waiting for you. Your friend, too, is there. I don’t think you want to keep her waiting.”

To be completely honest with you, I don’t remember getting a precise hour to discuss the deal. But, I don’t trust my memory and I decide to shut up about it.

“Oh, but I promised Stan I would bring him something to eat, Lucillus. Antoninus,” I look toward the guard that I never addressed directly before, “when we are there, bring Stan something. I’ll make sure Clodia gives us some food for him.”

The tall and muscular Elf puts a thumb up toward me – apparently a shared gesture between our worlds – and we go to the bakery.

“So, Lucinda already made a lot of progress, huh? I was under the impression it would take a few days before we met again.”

Lucillus looks at me. There’s still a little anger in his eyes, but his professionalism takes over.

“She called this meeting. We were going to retrieve you to attend. And, by the way, please do not roam on your own before we are done with this negotiation. She said that you weren’t necessary for this part, but my cousin and Flaminia insisted that there was going to be no business made in your absence.”

Praise the two foxes and their acumen.

“Sounds about right,” I say with an innocent tone.

“Didn’t you loathe bureaucracy?” Lucillus asks. He’s not stupid and probably knows – or suspects, at least – what his cousin has been cooking.

“Not if the girl is cute enough,” I give him my signature wink and add, “marriage is a contract too. So, I do need to find someone I’m at least somewhat comfortable with when it comes to signing contracts and whatever.”

“I hear that Lucinda is free at the moment and that she refused a few people courting her because she was too busy with magic,” Antoninus says without having figured out one ounce of the subtext between me and his friend.

“Yes, she’s so busy, isn’t she? If only those poor people could invent something to spend time with her…”

The wolfish grin on my face is not getting to Antoninus who starts chewing on some nuts he had in his pocket.

“Mh-mh,” he nods towards us, or maybe towards the empty street, not caring one bit about what I just said.