Casual Heroing

“So, people are annoying. As a general rule, we don’t like strangers. It’s a fact. Elves don’t like Humans. Humans don’t like Elves. If you are blonde, you don’t like brunette. If you are brunette, you don’t like blonde. We don’t like different people. This is our premise, you two.”

I sat them both down at a table while I go on with my lesson.

“So, women will rarely like you at first. They are not like us. We look at a woman and that’s it. We are lowly, filthy beasts. We are hunters who starved for three days and three nights while looking for any sign of life in a forest. So, whether we find a rat or a deer, we don’t care. We gotta eat.”

I slam my palm on the table to make the point clearer.

I have to say I’m impressed they are both listening to me with such attention. Especially Lucillus. It’s clear that the guy is interested in Flaminia much more than he wants me to know.

“Instead, women are like… do you two know what a shark is?”

They look confused.

“Is the sea close to Amorium?” I ask.

They shake their heads.

And here goes my beautiful simile.

“Ok, let’s just say women are apex predators. We are scavengers desperate for food. Women can pretty much have their pick whenever and however they want. And most women are lazy. The most a woman needs to flirt with a man is a smile. If a man only smiles at women, he will probably never get laid in his entire life. It’s not a fair game, remember. So, when a woman says no to you, there is a chance she’s just saying no to the entire man-kind.”

The [Enchanter] guy, Claudius, actually whips out a piece of parchment and starts writing on it at incredible speed.

That’s a guy I like!

“And if you ever meet a woman who knows how to flirt, well, you are done. You either run or get eaten. This is a well-guarded secret among men, but if women knew how much power they hold over us with simple flirting, they would be dominating the world more than they already are.”

“But what happens if a woman says no?”

“Well, Claudius, I was getting there. Thank you anyway for reminding me. If a woman says no, you have to understand what kind of no that is. And what was the question? Why did you ask a question she could say no to?”

“Maybe I asked her to go out with me to eat something at the inn?” the shy [Enchanter] ventures a guess, probably something from his personal life.

“Wrong!” I point my accusatory index finger at him. “Never ask. If you want to go out for dinner, just say aloud ‘well, I might be going to dinner tonight, let me know if you have plans.’ And that’s not a question! It’s you just putting some bait out there. If she’s interested, you get dinner with a woman, if she’s not, you are still free! Mind you, there are some cases when you can and need to ask a woman out. But that’s advanced stuff and we’re still learning how to walk here.”

“The thing is,” I speak, “since they are apex predators, they get to pick. They are moody. They eat because they want to eat, not because they need to. They are like lazy lions.”

They seem to know what a lion is.

“And it means that you have to catch a woman in the best possible time, you have to – and I’ve already explained this to Lucillus – catch her at her hungriest. Or, when she’s most bored. Once they are interested, there is a test. But we are going to talk more about that later.”

The [Enchanter] raises his hand.

“So, is it possible to get to every woman?”

Oh boy, we are working with amateurs.

“Absolutely not. You will fail miserably multiple times. The fact that you might entice some apex predators is an amazing fact of its own. But if you push the same predator too, they’ll just walk away. Or slap you. Or beat you up in other ways. Point is, be prepared for failure. And you know what, expect to fail every single time. Go into any date with the swagger of someone who doesn’t want to get in their pants! Flirt a bit, sure, but then take it back too! It’s a game of hide and seek! What, you think I only flirt?! As Lucillus knows, I just made a tactical retreat with Lucinda! From now on, I’m the one on the backpedal.”

I look at their confused eyes and decide to close the lesson here.

They just lost me there.

Oh man, the curse of knowledge. I know too much to explain every single detail in the best possible way.

“Ok, listen. First lesson, just remember the fundamentals. Compliments are good, but don’t exaggerate. If the women have the same reaction that Lucillus had when I complimented him, pull back; there’s no hope there.”

I should probably have the [Lover] class, or whatever they had told me there was. Maybe it was [Flirt]?

Who knows.

“Claudius, care to show me the Rune?”

The man is going over his dating notes when my question catches him by surprise. He probably forgot for a moment that he came here to work and not to listen to a dating seminar.

“Oh, right. Sure. Come.”

He carefully puts away the parchment he was writing on. I saw him work with what looked like expensive reagents and whatnot and he hadn’t been nearly as attentive as now.

This guy must have some serious lady-problems.

Well, worry not. I’ll help you, my friend.

As long as you provide me with a discount on this and all future Runes, obviously.