Casual Heroing

A very fit elf stares at me with a frown that puts Lucillus’s to shame. This woman has a cute pink apron on her front, on top of a medieval chef attire; but if she didn’t have that, she could have easily given a military general a run for their money.

“How you doin’?” I ask with a wide smile while winking.

She slowly takes out a massive wooden spoon from a pocket in her apron and starts tapping her other hand with it.

“Do you want me to go to prison again?” she asks her cousin.

“This guy says he’s a baker and that he’s good, Clodia. I don’t know how he got here, but he’s one of those classless weirdos and needs a job. He currently doesn’t have a penny. And you always complain with Aunt Marcella that you don’t have enough good workers.”

She doesn’t bother replying to her cousin and just stares at me.

“Hey, nice to meet you I’m Jo—”

“What kind of baking can you do?” she interrupts me ruthlessly.

She’s kinda hot once you get over the fact that she’s probably stronger than me and she’s my exact same height.

“I’m specialized in cakes, frosting and decorating. I can make bread easily. I can make savory pastries, like sugarless croissants, and prepare a good filling that will fly off the shelves. The only problem is that I’m not from anywhere close and I may need a day or two to adjust to your ingredients.”

“Honest, at least. Is that a spellbook?”

“Yeah, trying to learn how to spit fire or something to incorporate it in my desserts. I think I could pull off a mean Crème Brulée if I could have nice control over the size and the temperature of the flame.”

She stares at me hard and then naturally asks.

“What’s a crème parlée?”

“Brulée. You take some custard and caramelize the sugar on top with a flame.”

“Caramelize?” she raises an eyebrow.

“Heat the sugar so much it becomes a liquid?”

She takes me by my shirt and starts dragging me toward the lab.

…

We don’t have a open flame to use to caramelize the toppings, sadly. But I just heat up the sugar and mix it a bit with a rudimentary whisk to make it liquid.

She stares at the thing, enraptured.

“I didn’t know sugar did that,” she says whispering.

“No one ever tried? You have a bakery, magic, and God knows what, and no one had ever thought of caramel? Dudette, we can become rich with this simple trick alone, up top!”

I raise my five, but she looks at me confused.

“You slap the hand with yours, like that.”

I high-five myself and then we try again.

She almost breaks my hand, shoulder — no, the entire arm.

Also, it kind of turned me on, to be fair. I fancy me a strong girl. Even though Officer Lucinda is my biggest crush at the moment; but it’s not like we are married. Yet.

“What’s your name?”

Apparently, now she wants to know.

“Joey Luciani, miss Clodia.”

“Weird name,” she shrugs and goes for a handshake. “And it’s ‘chef Clodia’ for you.”

To be honest, I’m a bit hesitant considering that she almost broke my hand in two with the previous high-five. But I do wonder what this beautiful woman can do in bed to a man.

I grin like an idiot while she mauls my hand.

In that moment, a super cute Elf, much shorter than us, comes to Clodia.

“Chef, sorry to interrupt, but we have a VIP customer waiting for you. They want a custom dessert for the dance they are hosting.”

This shorter Elf has some serious curves and I regret that she’s wearing the all-covering uniform. I bet she has some raging — well, let’s not be crass now. Let’s say she’s hiding quite the treasure hoard under that ensemble.

Well, being among Elves has not been that bad so far.

Did Lucinda have…? I can’t remember now. God, how did I not notice? What if she has little plums?

“I’ll be there shortly. Let me arrange some work for the human, first, Violante.”

I stare at Violante’s — backside.

Thank God not all elves are super slender with a ballerina physique. While I turn to my new head chef, I notice that she’s staring with the same grin I was donning a second ago.

Wait a second.

WAIT A SECOND.

Oh man, Clodia bats for the other team, doesn’t she?

Second hot girl I meet in a day and she’s gay?

I mean, I’ve just arrived. I haven’t even settled. I can’t just accept her not being a possible love interest.

Isn’t it a little weird that I’m in medieval times and I already met a member of the LGBTQ community?

What’s this, a Netflix show?

What about my strong girl fantasies, huh?

Clodia turns at me and immediately notices that I’m looking at her weirdly.

“You have a problem, human?” she has spotted my disappointed expression.

“Just wish I was a woman, now, boss,” I give her my signature wink, adding a nice click with the side of my mouth.

I perfected this move in front of a mirror, practiced it a thousand times until it reached perfect smoothness.

Clodia raises an eyebrow and snorts.

“You wish,” she shakes her head and points me toward a corner of the lab, “you are going to start preparing the ingredients for the night shift. Unless you are too good for that.”

Oh, a test.

“Not a problem.”

I have to physically refrain from winking, this time. It may appear I have a tic, like subway-girl.

Did the subway girl tell me her name?

Oh, shoot. I don’t remember.

And while I ponder matters of extraordinary importance, Clodia moves forward with her schedule.

“Raissa, come here!” Clodia shouts so loud that I would drop a plate if I had one. No one else seems even remotely fazed, though.

“Chef?” another Elf, this one quite plain, comes answering the call.

“Teach Joey how to arrange the ingredients for the night shift. And show him around. When he’s done, let him rest in the break room.”

“Yes, chef,” the Elf woman does not even blink at the orders.

Clodia runs a pretty tight ship, huh?

“If you don’t behave, human, I’ll have your guts be the filling of my next pie. Is that clear?”

My signature wink comes out on its own volition this time.

“Sure, boss.”