Casual Heroing

I wince after touching my bum.

Yeah, Lucinda didn’t really joke around, huh?

Well, in the right context it would have been more pleasant to be whipped like that.

And I kind of deserved it. But…

It was totally worth it.

What a texture! What juiciness!

“You look like a creep,” Lucinda says while I’m lost in my thoughts.

“I’m a creep. For you,” I wink.

She tries to keep her face straight but then she erupts in a giggle.

“So, the Gardens are close-by. Come.”

We have been walking for half an hour or so. Lucinda is explaining to me how the Gardens are arranged, and it’s basically just a huge-ass series of plots of lands laid around Amorium with fancy plants, fruits, roots, and so on. A few generations ago, a [Mayor] invested heavily in this project to make Amorium both a hub of resources and tourism.

“Some of the best [Architects] and [Landscapers] have worked on the Gardens. Each and every one of them built a greenhouse or a system of irrigation, or many other wonders. It’s truly a magical place. And there is what’s called the Green Walk, a path carved through every plot that lets you visit those places. If you are lucky, [Farmers] will also answer your questions and gift you a sample of their produce. Or you can hire [Guides] and go on a guided tour.”

It does sound… delightful.

Well, Elves are not so bad, are they?

“By the way, aren’t Elves and nature very… aligned?” I ask.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, nature? Plants, animals? [Druids]?”

“What? [Druids]? There are no [Druids] in the Kingdom of Lucerna, probably not in the entire world. The best is having some [Green Mages]. But no [Druids]. Those are the stuff of the legends. At this point, we even doubt they ever existed.”

Fuck.

Oh.

Wait.

You wonder why am I swearing, right?

Ok, follow my thought process. Let’s just rewind for a second.

‘What? [Druids]?’

Yeah, Lucinda, [Druids]. I’m pretty sure, Stanimal is one. But whatever. Maybe [Druids] are just not that popular?

‘There are no [Druids] in the Kingdom of Lucerna, probably not in the entire world.’

Oh, wow. This sounds exactly like a line from some great quest in a videogame. And guess what, Stan might be a [Druid] I just rescued from the streets.

I think you are still not getting what I’m saying, right?

Do you remember how I crossed the subway train’s entrance to find myself into a huge treasury? Yeah? Ok, do you remember how then I touched one book and I got thrown into a dimensional portal or whatever? Right?

Oh, great.

So, again, follow my lead.

What happens when someone gets transmigrated into a new reality with a massively overpowered book, with a massively overpowered talent meets a [Druid] whom he brings out of homelessness?

Oh, wait because Lucinda also said.

‘Those are the stuff of the legends.’

Yeah, yeah, I don’t like video games as much as some other people, but I still played them. And what, do you think just because I read the literature, which is anything before any American writer started writing, I can’t read anything else?

Well, we both know what kind of books I read.

It’s clear as the day. Or the sun. However the saying goes.

So, Stanimal is basically my main-story quest.

Fuck.

Sorry for swearing, but I can already see where this is going.

Oh, man.

Lady Luck, you are going to throw a massive wrench in my life’s gears, aren’t you?

I groan loudly.

You know, you might not think that it’s such a bad thing. Being a warrior, a paladin, a Hero, even, is something people covet. At least in principle.

One of the greatest poets of all times, Horatius, wrote to Maecenas, to justify writing less about poetry. And he says something beautiful to describe the plight of the hero – in his case the poet, but we all know poets are self-entitled arrogant monsters comparing themselves to heroes, pretty much like any other writer if you ask me. Anyway, to make it extremely simple, this guy, Horatius, says, ‘this dude left his weapons in Hercules’s Temple and ran back to the countryside to avoid having to beg the crowd for mercy every time, hanging by the Arena’s stands.’

Paints a pretty picture, doesn’t it?

Now, I have not a crowd to beg. I have Fate. And Fate is such a cruel mistress. Much crueler than humans themselves. My own personal Lady Luck.

I don’t care about heroing around. I don’t want to crawl from below a mountain of bodies, bloodied and battered, to find the crowd cheering at me.

“Lucinda, I have to say, you are truly beautiful and a fantastic woman,” I suddenly say. I don’t know how much I have beside this wonderful Elf, but I should make the most of our time together.

She smiles sweetly and takes my hand while we walk toward the nearest entrance of the Green Walk.

“You know, Joey, I think you would make a great [Mage],” she says after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah, no thanks. I mean, I’ll study magic. I just don’t want any trouble. I can use magic to cook, I think.”

“I have never seen anyone do what you did yesterday,” she says in whispers. “Why don’t you want to become a real [Mage], or even an Adventurer?”

“I mean, to be honest, sweetheart, I’d rather not die killed by some humongous monsters. If I had my pick, I’d rather die smothered by your humongous—OUCH!”

She kicks my leg and purses her lips.

“If you want me to bring you with me, you better start behaving like a gentleman,” she says with an ice-cold tone.

“Sure thing, boss.”

“I like this attitude better,” she says with a complacent smile.