Casual Heroing

“Joey, Antoninus is back. I told him you would probably need two guards for the place,” Lucillus says with the big Elf in tow.

“Antoninus! Sure!”

“Huh, Lucillus told me you need security, and he got a contract for both of us,” he says while scratching his head, slightly uncomfortable at the thought. “Captain Drusillus was busy today. He’s been having many spats with the Adventurers’ Guild lately. But at least he didn’t have any problems with our contracts.”

“Well, that’s perfect!” I laugh.

I don’t really need the two of them after uncovering a part of Stan’s secret identity, but the more, the merrier. Plus, they can probably help intimidate adventurers. No one wants to mess with the Watch, I figure.

“Plus, I need someone to help me partition this place.”

“That’s not in our job description,” Lucillus says with a frown. “And you need to sign our contracts—”

“Give them to Lucinda and tell her she can forge my signature. Or just sign her name. We are getting married at some point, so it’ll be the same.”

“Stan told me that you and Lucinda…” Lucillus cranes his neck forward in a suggestive manner.

“Oh yeah, baby. Up top,” I tell the man while raising my hand.

“What?” Lucillus looks at my hand.

“Slap my hand like this,” I say while high-fiving myself.

“Humans,” Lucillus grumbles as he gives me the high-five.

“Antoninus!” I shout with my hand still up.

The other Elf slaps my hand so strongly I wince.

“Well, now, Lucillus, you are next. Soon, I want to become Uncle to yours and Flaminia’s children.”

Antoninus looks with wide eyes at his mate.

“So that’s who you like!” the burly guard exclaims.

“Shut it,” Lucillus looks uncomfortable.

Laying a hand on the huge guard in a conspiratorial manner, I speak with a lower voice.

“See, Antoninus, you and I have a mission now. We must become uncles to beautiful Elven children; what do you say?”

The beefy guy nods wisely and points a finger at Lucillus.

“He has a really bad character. It would be a miracle if a woman took him. If Flaminia takes him, he better get her pregnant as soon as possible to avoid her running away on the first occasion.”

Man, Antoninus is a blast.

I like this crew.

Lucillus puts a hand on his sword and wrinkles his nose at us.

“I’ll lay you both to waste, I swear, you flat-eared idiots.”

“Yeah, yeah, pal. Say whatever you want, but we are becoming uncles, whether you like it or not!”

Antoninus and I keep teasing the other guard until it looks like Lucillus may really draw his sword and run it through us.

Stan slowly steps down the stairs, looking at us with his kind and reserved demeanor.

“Stan!” Antoninus waves to the old Elf, who returns a slight nod. “And Grigio!”

“Grigio?”

“The dog?” Antoninus looks at me with a curious stare.

“Oh, that’s his name,” I nod.

“His name,” Stan chimes in, followed by the huge dog that’s now staring daggers at me.

“Meh, whatever. Cats are better.”

The dog sniffs at me with disdain, raising a humongous paw in a dismissive motion.

“Even the dog has attitude here. Insane,” I grab my hair, exasperated.

…

Eventually, the night comes, and Stan has already pulled a few homeless off the streets. I made them prepare the dough and scrub the kitchen clean. It’s not much, but they do not have the manual dexterity for rolling the croissants. I’ll have them practice tomorrow, but tonight I’d rather prepare it myself. I’m fast enough that it only took me two hours to prepare more than a thousand croissants. My arms feel like jelly, but dear Stanimal bought some stamina potions, and that’s what I’m currently sipping.

Sure, I’d like to sip coffee more than this weird stuff, or maybe I’d simply put a stamina potion in my coffee, in the same way my father used to put rum in his coffee. Or one of those weird Italian liqueurs, like Sambuca.

Anyway, I have four new helpers now, all former homeless men. It took me a little to learn all their names, but I’m quite confident now. Stan watches them with the sharp eyes of a hawk, ready to pounce if they do something wrong.

At some point, though, I start feeling bad about the gaze the old Elf is shooting those people, and I go to talk to my new manager.

“Yo, Stanimal. I think they’re scared of you; drop the gaze a bit before someone shits themselves. Even if they make a mistake or steal a couple of coins, it’s fine. This is their first day. We don’t need perfection, ok?”

The old man looks at me and then, curiously, at himself. He relaxes his shoulders and slowly nods, as if he just went back to being the regular Stan that I met in Amorium.

“Sorry, Joey.”

That’s all he says, and it’s fine with me.

“Not a problem, man. I’ll fire up the ovens soon. Do we have any healing potions if someone gets burned? You bought a clock, but these people are probably not used to being around dangerously hot stuff. We need to time the ins and outs to avoid relying on stupid skills. By the way, great thinking, the clock,” I laugh.

“We have healing potions, and I have made a little unguent in case anyone gets a nasty burn. That should be enough. How’s our next product coming along?”

“Tight,” I smile sneakily.

If they loved croissants, they should be ready to be mind-blown soon because that’s not the only European recipe I know.

Hehe.