Cold Sands

XXI Remorse of Yore

There was a marriage that shook the entire country two decades ago.

Lin Shaoyan, Duke Zhao Rui, who had just come home victorious from the north, took Han Jinrong, daughter of an affluent family in the capital, as his wife. He was a legendary hero and she was a stunning beauty. Everyone from the elite to the commoners applauded the marriage. ‘It was a perfect match made in heaven,’ they said.

One year following the marriage, Duchess Zhao Rui bore a son.

The boy was born at first light. The duke was delighted and named his son after this. When the boy came into this world crying, a majestic rainbow shot across the sky, the room filled with an unusual aroma and purple clouds floated around the manor. There were even witnesses outside the manor who saw a faint golden dragon circling high above the clouds. On the boy’s one month celebration, the duke’s good friend, the esteemed monk Rujing, attended and when he saw the boy who was still being swaddled, he gasped in surprise: ‘’Tis the face of a king!’

Great Rui customs do not give too much importance to a child’s maternal bloodline. The duke was the younger brother of Emperor Wen’s father, Emperor Mu. No one had objections that he took the empress’ niece as his wife.

Seven years later, Emperor Mu departed from this life. Emperor Wen ascended the throne and the empress was given the title of Empress Dowager in respect. The emperor was still young and the empress dowager sat in during morning courts, shifting the power away from the Lin clan to the maternal relatives. Duke Zhao Rui had led many battles, and as a noble royalty he was not pleased with another family holding power. Also, considering the auspicious signs regarding his son’s birth, he did not want to obey a woman and a child. Thus, with ‘ridding the emperor of evil’ as his slogan, he started a revolt from his enfeoffment, the County of Feng Hai.

Under the leadership of the Han family, the officials were furious when they caught wind of this and branded the duke a traitor. The empress dowager immediately put troops into combat to suppress the rebellion and the conflict quickly escalated. The duke was betrayed by his own clan and his campaign fell apart. In the end, he committed suicide out of indignation and the duchess and the boy were lost amidst the battle, nowhere to be found.

The battle lasted for a year. Countless lost their homes. Crops were left unharvested. The court suffered greatly and the country was in a much weaker state than before. The empress dowager began to strip the lords of their power in the name of preventing another rebellion. The royal family of Lin fell into despair, no longer glorious as before. The golden ages had left, never to return.

The court historians are always able to erase the gruesome details with their skilled brushes, the blood and the tempest all becoming a line or two of neat ink.

This is the story the world knows, but what they do not know is that a storm just as violent blew through the magnificent royal city that so few could ever lay eyes on.

Wraiths working for the Han family brought back the Duchess and the boy from the battlefield. The Duchess knelt before the empress dowager with tears running down her face, begging for the boy’s life to be spared. Great Rui’s laws stated that the family of rebels was treated equally as the rebel, thus the empress dowager refused. With nothing else left, the Duchess ended her own life, exchanging it for the boy’s. The boy was eight years old at the time. Terrified by the blood flowing across the floor, he turned around and ran.

The entrance of Yong An Palace was not guarded. The boy raced towards the white steps in front of the palace. He missed a step, wobbled, and fell head first down the steps. When an attendant picked him up, the boy’s face was as pale as a ghost, lips a sickly green while scarlet trickled from his nose. The court doctors did all they could and the boy miraculously woke up after two days, but he had lost all his memory and did not recognize anybody.

The son of Duke Zhao Rui has not been seen ever since.

♚♔

I’m sitting in a chair carved with floral patterns. The smell of agarwood fills my nostrils, making me feel really sick. The faces of the empress dowager and Uncle shift back and forth as though covered by a thick fog. Amidst the blackness, I can’t see or hear anything; amidst the spinning world, I only feel the stinging pain coming from my head.

All of my strength seems to have been drained out and all my blood rushes down towards the ground, the chilly wind wiggling into my body from all around.

Sweat is rolling down my back and damping my undershirt. I try to wipe away the beads on my forehead but I find that I can’t even move my fingers.

I can kind of see Uncle’s mouth open and close through the daze. His voice is muffled. I can make out some words but not many. The empress dowager towers on her throne in the background, watching with arcane eyes.

I can almost picture the horse hooves whipping past me like raindrops while a woman is holding me tight, trying her best to evade harm. The crimson world is filled with neighs of warhorses, wails of those on the brink of death and the clanging of weapons. The woman scampers across the rugged ground with me buried in her arms. Jewelry falls from her hair, branches claw through her clothes and dirt coats her shoes but she is still running for her life to an unknown destination. 

A dagger drops to the ground and the woman falls limp. She turns her head to look at me from the ground. Her face is pale and blood keeps gushing out from her warm smile. She beckons at me with shaking hands. Her lips are moving slowly, seeming to form words. Frightened, I stare at them carefully with wide-eyes. She’s crying but is still beautiful beyond description.

‘My dear, you must live on for Mom and your father. Mom is going to die soon. You’re going to be by yourself in this world now.’

Then the world does a flip, my head planting on the hard ground. The rusty smell of blood rushes forth and people start screaming around me.

I rip my head away, chest rising and falling violently, and try to suppress my raging emotions.

Finally, Uncle’s voice has stopped. I look up. He’s been standing in front of me, watching, as though to inquire ‘Do you understand?’

I wipe my moist eyes, cracking a smile. I end up squeezing out of my mouth, “What a fucking lame story. I’ve heard its likes at least a million times.”

I feel a sting on my cheek before I even finish speaking. Uncle has steam coming out of his ears as he barks, “You wretched beast! Your mother died for nothing!”

My cheek is burning but no tears are coming out. I close my eyes, quivering. 

Wretched beast?

For twelve years, I went from highborn nobility to an orphan living under someone’s roof while being lied to and neglected, and never got to see my parents.

I suppose all parents want their children to be better off than them, but I had never thought that my parents had put such efforts into keeping me alive through the perilous situation.

♚♔

My mind starts to wander as I walk stiffly behind Uncle, my hands and feet cold, body stiff, out of Yong An Palace, out of the royal city and towards the Minister’s Mansion.

My mind is blank and drowsy. A puzzling fog spreads endlessly before my eyes. I can’t see a thing; I can’t hold on to anything.

We have made some distance already but her words are still resonating in my ears. Just five words have flipped my world upside down, leaving me at a loss.

The royal palace and the holy throne would be the biggest irony for me.

Who would have guessed that the good-for-nothing who used to hang around on the streets was a royal descendant?

My heart is a desolate moor. I can no longer hold back the tears; they’re going to overflow any second now.

I don’t know how I got back to the mansion. The familiar yard seems foreign. I have the feeling that this isn’t my home and that my home is somewhere else.

“Go in.” Uncle enters without looking back.

We bump into Master Liao in front of the study. He looks calm as he moves to the side. “Master Han.”

Uncle nods before looking back at me. “Look on the bright side, Xin.” Then he goes into his study, sighing, not sparing me another glance.

I don’t know what happened after, but by the time I realise, Master Liao had been sitting quietly beside me without a word for quite some time.

“Let it out if you want.” He looks steadily at me. “‘Men do not shed tears unless they are truly hurt.’”

I turn to look at him, letting out a soft utterance. “Aren’t you gonna ask me what the problem is?”

He replies, “You’d feel better if you told someone, but some things are better left unsaid.”

I look up at him curiously.

“Once upon a time, I was in despair, too. I felt like the sky was collapsing in on me. It took me a very long time to get back on my feet again.”