Don't Concern Yourself With That Book

Half a day later, right when dusk began to settle, Dane came to visit. I had been sitting in the drawing room when he entered, overlooking the courtyard so that I could stare at the garden for as long as I wanted.

“Ashley.”

I heard the sound of footsteps approaching me. I had been hearing these footsteps since I was young but today, for some reason, it sounded unfamiliar to me. 

“How have you been?”

Turning my head around, I was faced with a big smile on his face. Behind him, I spotted the back of one of my maids leaving the room with her head lowered. When the door finally closed with a click, only the two of us were left in the room. 

“Forgive me for being disrespectful.”

He apologised for visiting me at night. I was the one who kept him waiting for a whole week so he had nothing to apologise for.

“I’m the one who has to apologise.”

With a slight grin, Dane approached me. He smelled like flowers. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Thank you for your concern. I’m doing fine.”

Though I was never unwell to begin with. I mumbled as I fumbled with the ends of my hair. It was strange. I had never been this awkward with him before. 

I suddenly feel like exiting this conversation. Though there might be no place for me to run and reckless of me to do so, I still wanted to run away from this conversation. The sun was setting behind Dane. I had no way out of this. Even if I did manage to find a way out of this, I had nowhere to go, I didn’t know why I was feeling this way. 

If Dane had been this busy, wouldn’t it be better for him to come visit me a few days later? If he was already this tired after getting off work, he should be resting and stretching his feet. Eventually, in the room filled with the sounds of his breaths, I forced myself to look at him.

“Aren’t you tired?”

Dnae slowly shook his head. Continuing to face him, I tilted my head. 

“Yes. Because I was on my way to see you.”

Dane lowered his gaze like that. 

“If I couldn’t see you today, I would come tomorrow. If I can’t tomorrow, then I’ll come visit the next day. I was willing to wait for you forever.”

“Why?”

He curled his eyes before flashing a smile as sweet as honey. 

“I just… missed you.”

“…..”

“Whether you’re in front of me or not, I realised that I spent every waking moment missing you.”

Was he hearing himself now? I pressed my lips together so that I would not accidentally mutter those words out loud before turning my head away. 

“… You always say such misleading things.”

Dane did not respond. Perhaps he decided not to respond because he knew how I wouldn’t believe anything he said anyway.

“Dane, I have something to ask you.”

“Yeah.”

“Will you answer me honestly?”

Dane smiled calmly. 

“If that’s what you want.”

I took a deep breath. The question I was about to ask him might ruin our peaceful world. However, would things be any different if I tried to cover it up? 

“Dane, are you the chief of the ‘Emperor’s Shadows’?”

Most of the important nobles in the Empire and members of the Imperial Family had been mentioned in the <Light of Rusbella> but nothing had been mentioned about Dane or the 7th Prince. Why? Did he not appear because he was just like me, Hannah, or the maids and footmen, one of the many passing background characters? I had not known. As important as he was, he never appeared in the story so I had not known about him. I had thought I knew him but I actually didn’t. 

The Emperor’s Shadows. And the chief of the group. 

That was something I could have never imagined. But what could I do? All this time, he had only been kind and friendly to me. He had been the one person who had always been on my side. And since it was him, the shock I received had been crippling. Because he had never mentioned a word about it this whole time. 

I was getting suspicious.  Was he fooling around with me? Why? If he was not fooling me then was he just hiding it from me? My distrust in him had anchored in my mind and was trying to swallow me whole. Since when have I found it so difficult to trust and rely on someone? 

“Yeah.”

I still haven’t heard anything from him yet. I didn’t know anything. But I still had doubts. Even though I knew that Castor had been the one who planted this seed of suspicion, my doubts were just piling on top of each other. 

Castor and Hernan, Amor and Fleon. And Rebecca. In the <Light of Rusbella>, whether it be directly or indirectly, they all had an impact on the female lead’s life. So, I had moved based on their roles in the original story. Of course, there were people like Amor who turned out to be different from how they were described to be in the novel but in the end, his essence was the same. 

So, Dane was not the only one. 

“I am a part of the intelligence service of the Central Palace, the ‘Emperor’s Shadows’. And I am the chief.”

Ever since I had reincarnated into this world, all I had done was wander about. The Ashley Rosé of the past had never been progressive and was instead a stranger who hesitated to do anything. Alone, without anyone to help me, this world had not been kind to me. 

“Since when?”

I had been constantly fighting my fears and my terrors. Peace was out of reach but even if I were to confidently adapt to my situation, I was afraid that one day the world would grab and drag me out of it because it didn’t need me anymore. I was the only one shaking by its whims. 

But there had always been someone who could bring me comfort and faith in myself. Dane, that was the kind of person he had been to me. Being alone in knowing that the Empire would be destroyed in a few years’ time was like looking down from the edge of a cliff every day. He was the one who brought me peace. 

He had always been the light shining upon me. 

And when I heard his reply, I closed my dry eyes tightly. 

“Four years ago. On the month of Habermia.”

In the year 821, I had died over 40 times. 

“… Why?”

Even after finding the diary and facing multiple deaths, he had protected me unconditionally and baselessly. He had given  me faith as if it had only been natural. Even though he might not be saying a word, he assured me that everything was going to be alright and that he would be an endless night for me. That was what he promised to be for me. But why did I find him in the deepest corner of the shadows cast over me? 

“I don’t want to say.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to hurt you.”

Dane smiled weakly. I could see the distress in his red eyes. It was only then did I notice his dishevelled clothes. I could see the remnants of fatigue under his eyes and his messy hair. 

Dusk was fading and dark blue ink was staining the red embers in the horizon. The wave of dark blue rippled through the sky from the edges before it finally crashed into the sunset. As the light continued to spread, the sky welcomed the evening. Under such a peaceful evening sky, I was seething. 

“I won’t get hurt.”

For a long time, Dane just sighed. I could tell he was distressed but I held his hand regardless. His hands felt very cold. Castor’s hands had also felt very cold but I knew they were tense for different reasons. 

“Are you angry?”

“No, and whatever you say will not hurt me. Because, Dane, you’re the one saying it. So, you can tell me anything.”

Dane averted his gaze and buried his face into the palm of his hand which was not being held by me. He seemed to be in a dilemma. He took a breath. I could relate to him preparing himself before sharing with me his secret. So, I waited while he hardened himself. 

“… It was to protect you.”

“Why are you protecting me?”

Now, with a slightly pale expression, Dane smiled. 

“That’s heartless of you.”

He muttered to himself. 

“Do you know how precious you are to me?”

“Dane.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Ashley. You’ll make me cry.”

That was a lie. He might be smiling through the pain but he didn’t look like he was getting any closer to tears. Dane slipped the hand I had been holding out before grabbing me. His fingers intertwined with mine before squeezing my hands. 

“We’re not real siblings.”

A gust of wind blew. The wind turned both our hairs into such a mess it made it difficult for me to see his eyes. I quickly removed the hand that had been captured by his.

“Ashley.”

Dane recaptured the hand which had been escaping his grip as quickly as the recession of low tide along the beach. 

“Did you know that?”

“I knew.”

“Since when?”

Ever since I arrived in this world, I had encountered so many shocking things that from some point on, I had built a tolerance for shock. It was not something I was very proud of considering the fact that I had already experienced the greatest terror a human could possibly go through dozens of times. 

But that did not change the fact that I was still surprised when Auresia informed me that I was not the emperor’s real daughter. Because I had totally not expected that. It felt like the back of my head had been struck hard by a ball. The tingling sensation still remained. 

I was not the emperor’s daughter? That meant the people I thought were my older brothers my whole life were completely unrelated to me. 

Of course, I didn’t think there would be that big of a difference in our relationships. Since I knew I had been reincarnated into this world, neither Auresia nor the emperor felt like a parent to me. 

And when it came to Fleon and Dane, I never knew what it was like to have older brothers since I had been an only child in my past life. However, it was clear that they were both precious to me. So, whether we had the same blood flowing in us or not, they were still precious to me because of all the time we had spent together. 

But that was only because of my unique situation, because I had been reincarnated into this world. What about Dane who had been born in this world and raised like any other normal child? What if I were to hear that the person I believed to be my younger sister was actually unrelated to me overnight?

“It’s been a while.”

Dane smiled. 

It was strange. His smile looked no different from the one he showed me a few moments ago but it felt different. The Dane who was smiling in front of me felt unfamiliar. His hand that was tightly intertwined with mine, his soft smile and the way he called my name were all unfamiliar to me. 

“I knew but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to shock you. I was sure that if I did, you would distance yourself from me.”

“I’m not someone who does that.”

“No. Remember, you never liked change.”

I flinched. Because what he said was true. I never liked change. I liked complacency. Even before I found the diary, I had been satisfied with my wayward palace and had adapted to a life that could almost be considered confinement. The diary had forced me to change but I had always desired stability. I didn’t want to change. 

“Yes, that’s the truth. Still, even if you’re not of my blood, nothing will change.”

“Is that so? Then, can you still accept me even though I have changed?”

I spoke firmly. 

“What changed about you?”

Even with the sudden news that we were not siblings, and in fact unrelated, our relationship would only remain unless any of us forgets all the time we had spent together. That was what I believed. But was he really different? At moments like this, I feel especially frustrated. Since his character had never been described in the <Light of Rusbella>, it was impossible for me to guess what he was thinking or feeling now. 

“Ashley.”

Dane smiled brightly but his smile looked a little sad. 

“I think you already know that you’ve been turning a blind eye.”

“What am I turning a blind eye to?”

“My heart. Do you want me to say it out loud?”

The night was approaching. As his face was being gradually shaded in black, shadows slowly covered his body. Nevertheless, I could still clearly see his eyes. 

“You’re cruel but I still like you.”

I looked at Dane who was smiling whilst staring at me for a long time. He slowly brushed the back of my hand with his thumb before releasing his grip. His voice was friendly, gentle yet unfamiliar.

“I meant everything I said to you. All those you can remember and even those you can’t.”

I recalled Dane who had only been kind in my memories. At one moment, he was like my close friend and in another, he was like my friendly brother. And at any given moment, he was always so beautiful. Dane could make my heart flutter with his looks alone. 

I realised that there must have been a very important reason why Dane had hidden the fact that we were not siblings. I couldn’t easily express my guess. I would only regret it the moment I said it. 

Come to think of it, though we were siblings, Dane had always put up his guard around me. Unlike Fleon who would treat me recklessly, he would let me choose my seat first and give me the largest piece of cake. He had been the first to help me cover myself up and turn his head around when I had appeared before him in a chemise, which had actually been nothing more than underwear.

A wave of unfamiliarity finally hit me. I could no longer look at the man standing before me as an older brother as the warning sirens continued ringing all around me. 

“Dane, that’s…”

“Stop.”

Dane’s finger brushed against my lips. As I tried to step back, I had forgotten about the chair behind me and fell atop of it. 

“It’d be better if you don’t utter a word more.”

Dane reached out to grab the arm rest before lowering his back. 

“Because I don’t know what more I will say.”

His voice sounded languid. Though he had always seemed to be enduring too much, his current restraint felt lethal. 

“Don’t make that face.”

I could no longer look him in the eye. Though it was not fluttering, my heart was beating out of my chest. I knew what love was. If what I had experienced so long ago was love then what I was holding in my heart was no longer that. 

“I don’t expect anything from you.”

He lowered his head towards the chair. I stared as his brown hair cascaded down his face. His voice was as sticky as a dew drop falling off a petal. 

“But I think our relationship is going to be slightly different from now on.”