Double-Blind: A Modern LITRPG

It was hard to pinpoint the last time I’d been this tired. I’d been running on minimal sleep for as long as I could remember. Found an equilibrium for how much I could push myself, before the overdraw became a credit that would undermine the next day.

There were always exceptions, of course. Emergencies that threw that equilibrium into flux. More often than not, the price was mental. But it had taken everything I had to drag myself out of that cursed tunnel. And thereafter, it took more, and more, and more.

As close as we were to the finish line, it wasn’t over.

Light filtered in. Artificial yellow light from passing street-lamps that cast an eerie glow in the car's interior. I saw the faint outline of a canine figure, sprinting down the center of the highway. She looked over her shoulder, revealing the bag still held in her jaws. There was a grind of gravel as the car veered across the yellow line, the vibration of the warning grooves doing nothing to hold back the darkness, as the knowledge that Kinsley had found Talia drained away the modicum of remaining adrenaline and urgency keeping me conscious.

The sleep was black and dreamless, entrenched in a nothingness so complete that time itself seemed abstract.

“How curious. What an irregular choice.” A voice cut through my mind, unlike any I’d heard before. It was feminine and cruel, a mixture of my voice and someone else’s. I got the sense that it was talking about me, rather than to me. The same way a doctor lacking bedside manner talks to family members while the patient is present.

“Fuck… off.” I said, my voice projected rather than spoken. In any other circumstance, I would have likely found it within me to be diplomatic. After all, you never really know who you’re talking to when it comes to strangers. But the effort that would take just wasn’t in me right now.

“Oh? It took a great deal of effort to find you. It speaks to my merits that I managed it at all. No wonder you’ve incited such a fuss among the upper echelon. The Allfather invested a great deal in you, in contrast to your predecessors. I wonder how much of his remaining lifespan he sacrificed, only for you to fritter it all away by not knowing when to mind your tongue.” Her blasé tone took on a dangerous edge.

I felt myself rouse, grogginess slipping away.

“Surprise, surprise. I’m worthy of your attention after all.” She said.

“What do you want?” I asked, keeping my tone even.

“Gifting that artifact was a stroke of genius, loathe as I am to admit it.” the voice mused to herself. “It was practical. Strangely so for the likes of him. And without that perfectly timed gift, you’d already be scattered to the wind. Entropy’s only real mistake was using a shrine of elevation.”

My caution turned to horror. If this wasn’t just a dream, if I was speaking to another deity who’d been watching me since the early floors of the adaptive dungeon, I was blown in so many ways it was impossible to track.

I’d already established my position on interacting with gods or deities. That being, it’s generally a bad fucking idea without knowing the nature of the gods themselves. That position had only solidified with further knowledge of the system and the carnage of the transposition event.

Clawing back panic, I forced myself to focus. Judging from what little information I had, the Allfather’s information, and allusions to them in certain titles, the Greco-Roman gods were likely the closest analogues to these faceless deities—and as petty and brutal as they could be, they were fascinated with mortals who stood out.

What I needed was a way to pique her interest. “Permitting a few jumps in logic here—“

“Of course.”

“Assuming the likelihood that you’re bound by certain rules, and can only interact indirectly. If you’ve been observing me for as long as you claim, I have to assume there have been multiple moments where you could have made my life considerably more difficult, if not untenable.”

“I considered it.” The voice drew out a dramatic pause. “If it came to that, there wouldn’t even be a need to dirty my hands. Justicar has been out for your blood since the news broke that an Ordinator slipped through the selection process. All that was required was a few choice words, and he would have compensated me with a world’s ransom.”

Recognizing what she was doing, I stilled my emotions. The deity was priming me. Dangling what she had over my head and seeing what dropped out. It wasn’t entirely dissimilar from how Miles had handled Emil. And if my comparison to the Greco-Roman gods tracked, the last reaction she wanted was fear.

“Then, why didn’t you?”

A spotlight appeared, highlighting a massive expanse of a black iron. The scene changed as my perspective shifted, registering things that were simply too large for me to make sense of at first glance. The expanse of iron was the front-half of a throne. Tall, ivory towers that I recognized as a woman’s legs were crossed over each other in a casual sit. The long pale beam of an arm crested upward into a curtain of shadow cast by a moon above.

“Count yourself prosperous. Few have heard my voice, and fewer still viewed the manifestation of my form.”

I tried to force myself to take this as a good sign, despite the terror it invoked. Still, I held my silence, not trusting myself to sound particularly grateful. Hearing myself described as “Prosperous,” in any setting, would have put my teeth on edge.

There was a large sigh of disapproval. “Save the odd exception, the previous Ordinators were petty things with no personal attachments, who cared for little more than power and advancement. This worked in the Allfather’s favor, those that survived serving as excellent dissidents. A handful of times, they managed to halt the cycle entirely, requiring direct intervention and a not inconsiderable effort to dispatch.”

“It sounds like any being in your position would be lauded for acting,” I said. Baiting her was dangerous, but if she was going to be this circuitous, I didn’t really see an alternative.

“Indeed. As I said, it was under consideration. Especially given my first impression of you. I was so sure you were just more of the same. But I held off. I’m still reserving judgment, but for the moment? I’m glad that I did.”

Images flashed in front of my eyes, one after another. I saw myself betraying the Matriarch despite the pros of staying the course.

Then I was on the motorcycle, swerving to the side to dodge a fireball, trying to convince Kinsley to lower the prices on emergency items.

“You have to choose what you want to be. And you have to keep making that choice. Over and over.”

Another image flashed. Walking among the civilians that had ambushed me for Lux, dispensing potions to the gravely injured.

The compilation ended with an image that chilled me to my core. A younger version of myself, dressed in a poorly-fitting Macy’s suit, standing at a casket that had yet to be lowered into the grave, my face frozen in a rictus of anger, hands balled into fists at my side. Beside me, Mom was juggling my sister and brother. Ellison was balling his eyes out, though I could hear him, face buried in Mom’s shoulder. Iris was staring out at the horizon, mouth small, lips tight.

“I thought you’d only been watching me since the shrine.”

The goddess’ voice was little more than a whisper. “Yes, but I took the liberty of combing through your memories. Do you remember the promise you made?”

That I’d never be like my father. Because heroes were nothing more than fools. Unable to speak, I nodded.

“Ever since then, you’ve suffered,” The goddess continued in faux sympathy that barely hid her underlying glee, “There were plenty of people in this very city who could have helped you, your family. Yet, at every turn, every possible moment someone could have intervened, no one did. No one cared. You learned to banish that possibility. Work purely on a basis of equivalent exchange. So, I suppose, my question is this: Why are you bothering now, when things are more desperate than ever?

I didn’t harbor any delusions. My circumstances were hardly unique, especially in this day and age. Whatever her interest, it had something to do with how I clashed with the typical Ordinator. “This’ll sound ironic, given the circumstances, but what it comes down to is simple. I’d rather not live in hell.”

“No.” There was a vague sense of motion from the shadow that gave the impression she was shaking her head. “That’s what you tell yourself.”

“It’s true.” I insisted.

“Disappointing. I suppose I’ll be getting in touch with Justicar after all—“

“You’re talking about us like we’re all the same,” I snapped. There was an echoing silence, as the deity waited for me to continue. “We’re not. There are people who have power, and people who don’t. Before the system, the extent of my power was knowing which bubble to shade-in on a scantron. My world has changed. I’m deep in the minority. Both wealth and power are in arms-reach.” I thought about the people in region six, whose lives were suddenly snuffed out. The civilians that were suddenly thrown in the crossfire without knowing why. “And those people without power? They’re still here, suffering. Struggling to get by, forever at the whims of forces beyond their control, while everyone capable of helping refuses to lift a finger. I can’t just forget they exist. Or what it’s like to be one of them.”

“So,” The goddess probed, “You’re a hero, then?”

“No. My family comes first. My friends come first. I come first. I learned to prioritize the hard way, and I’ll never forget that lesson. But now that I have power? If there’s an opportunity to make a difference, to help? I will not become another asshole with the power to change things for the better who does nothing. I refuse.”

The sound of chuckling permeated the chamber, escalating into a cruel guffaw. “All the effort he put into insulating you. What he must have sacrificed. And in the end, you will be his undoing. It’s exquisite.”

“Who?” I asked, confused, still off-balance from the sudden outpouring of emotion. “The Allfather?”

“That old fool.” The goddess snickered. “He’s outdone himself. Literally.”

Her tone had changed, like she was wrapping things up. I still had countless questions, and this might be my only opportunity to ask them. “What’s the point of all of this? The transposition, the other meteors—“

“Proceed carefully, before you consider yourself entitled to the secrets I hold.” The goddess’ voice cracked like a whip.

I bit back a sharp reply.

“Still…” her voice softened. “You have entertained me. And that is more than most can say. I will not obstruct you. Furthermore, there is a key oversight the Allfather made in your implementation. I will correct it. And if you live to our next meeting, I may even deign to give an answer you seek.”

I started to ask why, then immediately stopped myself. Better to just accept what I was given.

“Why?” The goddess said, as if reading my mind. “Because it pleases me. And only a fool cuts pleasure short.”

/////

“Are you sure he’s not dead?”

“The scent of death has passed.”

A small hand punched me several times. “Matt. Matt! I really need you to wake up, so you can explain the talking dog in my back fucking seat.”

I jolted to and looked around confused. Talia was in the back, looking more than a little nauseous as Kinsley navigated a turn at high speed.

“Where are we?” I asked. System text scrolled in front of my face, further obstructing my vision.

I swiped it away for now, scrambling to pull up the remaining time.

“What the fuck!” I shouted. “We weren’t even that far away.”

“The freeway was out,” Kinsley yelled over the engine. “I had to take side streets, but we’re close now, I think. I’ll pull up straight up to the curb right next to the receptacle.”

Something felt wrong about that, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I glanced back at the bag of lux. Then it hit me.

“Wait. Didn’t you say the Adventurer’s Guild reached out to you?” I asked, thinking back to when I’d first returned to find Kinsley had outed herself.

Kinsley glanced back and forth from the road to me. “Yeah. Was going to mention it before you started yelling, but they reached out to warn me, some man on a motorcycle slaughtered three of their people and took off with their lux.”

“Fuck.”

“That was you?” Kinsley asked, her voice small.

Lying was pointless. She was smart enough to see through anything I could come up with short term. “It’s complicated.”

“Jesus Christ, Matt.” Kinsley shook her head.

“How is it complicated? They tried to murder and rob him, so he killed them.” Talia offered.

I twisted in my seat to shoot her a glare. Talia stared back, unaffected.

“Wait,” Kinsley put a hand to her head, her eyes wide, “So the Adventurer’s Guild are the bad guys?”

“No, they were probationary members—“ I waved a hand, cutting off the thought. I also needed to tell her about her father, but not before working out how to spin it. “Short version, they’re not the bad guys. I’ll explain the rest later.”

“That line’s getting old, motherfucker.”

“I already promised, get off my ass. Also, pull over.”

“What?” Kinsley squawked in alarm. She nearly drifted into a parked car before I shouted a warning, snapping back into the center of the lane at the last moment. “Why?”

I shook my head, remembering that the numbers they’d come at me with had likely only been a fraction. “The Adventurer’s Guild is still your best bet in terms of alliances. And it’s a bad idea to piss off a big, influential group this early in the game, when you’re still growing. You can’t be associated with me.”

“Fuck that. I’m already associated with you. People have seen us together. And I’m not just gonna ditch your ass because some assholes tried to rob you.”

I rubbed my head, appreciating the words. “I know. And thank you. I’ll still be in the Merchant’s Guild as Matt. Everyone we’ve interacted with knows me as Myrddin.”

“Then what do we do?” Kinsley asked.

I grimaced, remembering her lackluster acting skills. “You’re gonna have to publicly disavow me.”