Dungeon Item Shop

“Tell me your secret, crab,” whispers Fresh under her breath, standing at the edge of their house’s ‘safe zone’, where the magic born of the enchanted weathervane, which repels the crabs, has its border.

The crab stands a meter before her, doing an odd, agitated dance with its pincers in the air, clacking angrily. But it doesn’t move towards her, not able to break past the barrier. It’s certainly very angry looking for a crab. She’s pretty sure that its mouth is even foaming a little, though, that might honestly just be from the foamy sea-water.

“Stop talking to the crab, goo-brain,” says Jubilee, standing behind her with crossed arms. They sigh, shaking their head.

It is the middle of the night and Fresh wanted to take the opportunity to find out what’s going on with the crabs.

“But Jubilee!” says Fresh. “We have to find out why they’re being so -”

“- Don’t you dare say it,” says Jubilee, interrupting her. Fresh smirks, pressing her lips tightly together to hold down a laugh. Somehow this is even funnier for her than if she had just said the joke. Jubilee raises an eyebrow. “I will literally leave you here by yourself.”

Fresh snorts, not able to stop herself. “But- But Jubilee!” she manages to squeak out, between her tightly shut lips that open only for a fraction of a second each time. “We have to find out why they’re so -!”

Fresh howls, grabbing her gut and falling over into the sand, laughing.

Jubilee sighs. “Don’t show weakness in front of the crabs, dumb-ass,” they say, motioning to kick her while she lays on the ground. But Fresh grabs Jubilee’s leg, striking from the beach sand and bites it.

“Ow!” Jubilee pulls their leg back. “Why the fuck do you people always bite?!”

Fresh, having calmed herself looks up at them. “Because -!”

“- Don’t give me that ‘friendship bite’ bullshit, you degenerate!” barks Jubilee.

“But Jubileeeee~!”

“What?!”

Fresh smirks. “The crabs are crabby, Jubilee!” she exclaims, finally having found the strength to finish her joke. Jubilee stands there with crossed arms and then turns around wordlessly, trying to leave. But Fresh is still clamped around their legs. “Don’t show your back to the crabs, Jubilee!” she exclaims, as Jubilee drags her behind them, back towards the house. Fresh is surprised at how strong Jubilee is, given their size.

They sigh, picking up some sand.

“No! Don’t kill it!” says Fresh.

“What the fuck do you want from me then?!” asks Jubilee. “Will you let go?!”

“It’s the crab-ambassador, Jubilee!” she explains, pointing back at the single crab that continues its angry, snippy, crab-dance. “You can’t kill the crabbassador!”

“I’m going to do it now, just because you called it that,” states Jubilee, snapping their fingers before Fresh can stop them.

“Nooo~!” cries Fresh, clutching her face in horror with one hand.

“You are such an exhausting person to be around, sometimes,” sighs Jubilee.

“Jubilee!” exclaims Fresh, looking up at the dead crab, suspended on a glass pillar. “You might have just sparked a diplomatic crisis!”

“It’s not the first time,” replies Jubilee dryly, before continuing their attempted escape. “Come on,” they say. “Let’s go to bed. I’m tired.”

“Can I sleep in your room tonight?” asks Fresh, getting up onto her feet.

“No.”

She frowns. “Do you want to sleep in my bed then?”

“No. Creep.”

“Pleeeease~?”

“No,” replies Jubilee, shaking their head as they walk back home. Fresh reaches down, grabbing their hand. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Friendship hand-holding!”

Jubilee stares at her, before returning back to the house, taking both their hand and Fresh with them. “Next time, I’m killing myself instead of the crab.”

“JUBILEE!”

The night passes peacefully, Fresh falls into her bed alone, despite her best efforts. Then, several hours later, she wakes up.

It isn’t morning yet though. Why is she awake?

Groggily, Fresh blinks her heavy eyes a few times to get the dew out of them and to unblur her vision, as she slowly sits upright, looking around the room.

It’s raining, apparently. Is that why she woke up?

Fresh yawns, rubbing her eyes and getting up, shuffling towards the balcony door to check that it’s closed for the night, making a note to tuck both Basil and Shamrock back in, as they both had thrown off their blankets again.

She stops, looking at the balcony door.

It’s already closed. That’s odd. It doesn’t look like it’s raining either. Rubbing her eyes again, she walks closer towards it and then steps outside onto the balcony, looking around for the source of the noise that she hears.

A clacking fills the air, she had assumed it was rain droplets striking against the windows, but that isn’t it. Instead, she finds the source.

“JUBILEEEEE~!” screams Fresh, running inside and tearing open Jubilee’s door. Surprised, they jump, flailing their blanket around as they fall out of their bed.

“What the fuck?! What is it?!” they yell.

“CRABS!” shouts Fresh, running to get the others who have also already been awoken by her shouting.

“What? Are you okay?” yawns Basil, Fresh grabs her.

“CRABS, BASIL!” she yells, dragging the pajama-wearing priestess after her, grabbing Shamrock’s hand on the way as he was already in motion. The three of them head out to the balcony and look out and a second later, Jubilee comes too.

“What the fuck?” whispers Jubilee.

A line of crabs surrounds the house in a semicircle, all standing on the outer edge of the barrier, their claws in the air, snipping furiously. The sound of their closing claws is what Fresh had originally thought was rain.

“What are they doing?” asks Basil, placing her hands on the railing and squinting.

“Protesting,” says Shamrock.

Jubilee sighs. “They’re fucking crabs. They don’t know what protesting is.”

“I told you, Jubilee!” says Fresh. “You killed the crabbassador!”

“Shamrock,” says Jubilee. “Grab her legs and hoist her over. We’re giving her to the crabs.”

“Please don’t give me to the crabs!” argues Fresh.

The four of them turn back to look at the crabs, standing in a circle around the house. Jubilee sighs, walking over to the balcony table and stealing some dirt from Basil’s potted plants.

“Hey!” protests the priestess.

“Shut up,” says Jubilee, throwing the dirt over the railing and snapping their fingers. Glass explodes all through the air and the row of crabs to their left is destroyed.

They all watch as a moment later, new crabs rise up out of the sand in the distance. The new-comers, rather than dispersing over the beach, make their way to the house, to fill the ranks.

“What the fuck?” asks Jubilee. “Shamrock, come on,” they say. “We’re going down there to kill some crabs.”

Shamrock nods excitedly.

“That won’t work. Jubilee!” argues Fresh. “They’re making a statement.”

“Again,” says Jubilee. “I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but they’re crabs, goo-brain. They don’t make ‘statements’.” Fresh points outward at the angrily snipping crabs. “That isn’t a statement. They’re just being fucking weird.”

“I think they want revenge, Jubilee!”

“They can fuck off.”

Basil turns back around. “Maybe we can appease them with something?” she suggests. Jubilee points up towards Fresh. Basil shakes her head. “Since you killed the crabbassador, maybe we should give them you.”

“THERE’S NO SUCH THING!” yells Jubilee, stomping back inside. “I’m going to tear my fucking hair out one day because of you people.” They march into their room, stomping back out a second later with the little doll in their hands that Fresh had made the other day to test her abilities out on. She gasps.

“You wouldn’t!” Jubilee would and hurls the doll out over the railing, past Fresh’s reaching hands. It spirals through the air, its little doll hand seemingly reaches for hers as it flies, its glossy, button-eyes shimmering in the soft glow of the midnight moonlight. “Noooo!”

The doll lands amongst the crabs and they descend down upon it. Fresh can only watch in horror as it is torn to pieces.

A second later, the crabs return to their formation.

“Well. That didn’t work,” says Basil.

“Jubilee! How could you?!” cries Fresh.

“Please. You were trying to blast that thing apart with your spells for a whole day. Get off my ass,” replies Jubilee.

Fresh frowns, looking back out at the beach and staring at the formation. “Hey, do crabs ever go into the water?”

“They live on the ocean, I’d assume so?” says Basil.

“No, I mean, do these crabs ever go into the water?” asks Fresh. “I only ever see them on the beach.”

“Maybe because you can’t see them when they’re underwater?” says Jubilee, sighing.

Fresh shakes her head. “I think they’re land-crabs.”

“I can’t do this. I’m going to bed,” says Jubilee, turning around.

“We can’t just ignore the problem,” says Basil. “This will be terrible for business!”

“Really?” asks Jubilee. “Way I see it, it’s an attraction. We might draw in a lot of curious people.”

“We might also draw in a lot of unwanted attention,” remarks Basil, crossing her arms.

Jubilee shakes their head. “You will for sure if you keep wearing that when it’s cold outside,” they remark. Basil gasps in shock, lifting her crossed arms higher.

“I got it!” says Fresh, having been lost in her own daydream for a while. “Shamrock, give me a boost please!” she asks and Shamrock lifts her up onto the roof.

“Be careful!” calls Basil.

Fresh climbs up over the wall, onto the roof. Grabbing the weathervane, she unattaches it.

Immediately, the crabs stop their chorus, their claws lowering back down to their sides. From up atop the roof, she watches as they begin to scuttle on their way as if nothing ever happened, heading down past the house along the strip of land between their door and the ocean. “They just wanted to go past the whole time,” says Fresh. “They can’t go into the water and we were blocking their movement over to the other side of the beach!” she calls down to her friends.

The three of them stare at her from down below. “Okay. Whatever. I don’t care. Good night,” says Jubilee, heading back to their room. Basil and Shamrock exchange a look and shrug.

“Come on down,” says Basil. “Let’s get some sleep. We’ll figure the rest out in the morning.” Fresh nods to the priestess, watching as the two of them head inside.

She lifts her gaze, staring out over the moonlit sands of the beach, out towards the giant, barnacle covered and sea-washed dungeon gate. She isn’t sure if it isn’t just the stress of the odd situation, or maybe a blur in her tired eyes, or maybe even just a figment of her always overactive imagination.

But as she squints, gazing at the glowing portal of the dungeon, she swears that she sees a small, human-like figure standing there, just outside of the glowing portal. Their body is made out of the very same, ethereal material as the aura, as if they were a being made entirely out of it. The person, holding a crab, pets it and nods to her once, before heading back and melding back into the glow of the dungeon. If they were ever really separate from it at all, that is.

Fresh rubs her eyes, looking again. But this time, there is nothing there.

She scratches her cheek, deciding that it isn’t worth worrying about, before heading back downstairs and falling back into bed, tucking in Basil, Shamrock and a vehemently protesting Jubilee on the way to her own.

Razmatazz

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