Even If I Killed This Love, Only You Wanted To Protect It

Coming to our classroom in the early morning is what I, Higuchi Moeka, dislike the most.

Sitting on the central seat of the row near a window, I slowly started to take out the textbooks and notebooks from my bag, looking around while keeping my head down so that no one would notice. 

Outside of the window, everything seemed pretty gloomy, and the students in the classroom were busy conversing with each other while holding either smartphones or magazines in their hands. The contents of their conversations were out of any importance – they were simply chatting and laughing at different stuff. When I was peeking sometimes at those people, while adjusting some things on my pen case – which was actually my morning routine – I heard a high pitched voice piercing my ears from behind.

“Hey, let’s take a video!”

A bright, yet unpleasant to hear voice. Pretty sure it belongs to none other than Kouno Yuka.

She hasn’t changed at all since the school entrance ceremony in April. I bet she still has that long hair and shiny eyes, as well as a smartphone in her hands. 

From the very beginning, she has “absorbed” the people around her just like a sponge absorbs water, quickly becoming the centerpiece of the class. Since that time, she has been coming to school with three other girls that are just like her. When the homeroom teacher is not around, she hangs out with them outside the classroom. Not to mention that, there are always some noisy idiots from the athletic club that gather around her just like flies gather around light.

Similarly to the diagram of natural selection, one’s “social standing” in a class can be described by the word “school caste*”, in which that girl is definitely at the top.

*It is said that a hierarchical society, called “school caste” exists in a class of a school, mostly junior high and high schools in Japan.

“What’s this dark thingy? Looks kind of weird. Trash, is it?”

“Isn’t it Higuchi-san?”

When Kouno Yuka said something that was supposed to sound offensive, I heard an awkward reply right after. That voice belonged to Senda Riko. Trying her best to imitate whatever Kouno Yuka does and says, the girl is desperate to be liked by her. She’s probably somewhere a little above the middle of the pyramid.

“All this time I thought that there was something next to Chidariko. I wonder if I was actually the one possessed by something all along.”

“No way~!”

I could hear a girl’s laughter right beside Kouno Yuka and Senda Riko. She was standing in a position higher than that of Senda Riko, but surely not as high as Kouno Yuka.

“But, isn’t she like a ghost? I’ve never heard her voice before.”

“I know riiight~!” It was already over for her when she held her head down during the introduction time.

Lastly, I’m in the lowest position in the whole caste.

It’s been two months since the end of the school athletic festival and my arrival at school, and I haven’t had a conversation with anyone in this class for more than a minute. Hence, I don’t have any friends here, and during lunch, I’m always by myself. 

Even so, Kouna Yuka and the other girls remembered my name, but probably because there was a self-introduction card of mine on a wall of the classroom. It contained stuff like my name, birthday, and special skills, and it was mandatory for everyone in the class to have one. All the cards were lined up on the wall, but since the number of students in our class was odd, there was a visible gap.

“Talk to Chidariko for a bit.”

“Eh?”

“Don’t you wanna know what her voice is like? It sounds like an anime voice. Also, her name gives off those moe* vibes.”

*Moe used in slang refers to feelings of affection, adoration, devotion, and excitement felt towards characters that appear in Japanese anime/manga. Characters that elicit feelings of moe are called “moe characters.”

They either wanted to have a conversation with me or just to listen to my voice. Such times are the most painful ones to me. I’m not fond of being talked to out of the blue, but I know that if I react even a little, they are going to make fun of me again by saying “I heard it~.”

However, I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone when I haven’t done anything. I’ll just get up and pretend to go to the bathroom, and then run away. But what do I do if they follow me right to the toilet?

While clenching my fists, I began to tell myself repeatedly: “Leave me alone.” In my heart, I could say it without any hesitation. But even if I say it in my heart, I wouldn’t be able to say it aloud, since there are times when I can’t say things properly.

“Well then, I’m going to Chidariko~.”

After hearing that, my body turned tense.

The footsteps that seemed to belong to Senda Riko were drowning out the noise of the classroom. My head began to heat up, and an oozing sweat ran down from my neck to the back, rapidly cooling my whole body. 

Don’t do it. I’m scared.

As soon as I closed my eyes tightly, I heard the sound of an opening door.

“Now, take your seats!”

That voice belonged to our homeroom teacher, Andou-sensei.

Morning classes begin when the teacher comes. Senda Riko won’t be able to talk to me at this rate.

As I felt my body getting a bit relaxed after all the stress, Senda Riko walked away from me. Then, right when I raised my head, I noticed a light-haired unfamiliar student standing next to the teacher.

The boy had a slender figure. His long bangs were split into left and right, snapped with hairpins. I noticed that his clear gaze was directed at me. I didn’t know this student, but he kept on staring at me piercingly.

“Andou-chan, who’s that person? A transfer student?”

Kouno Yuka started approaching the teacher with a smile on her face. Even though Andou-sensei told everyone earlier to take their seats, she replied to her in a cheerful tone: “Yes.”

Andou-sensei is said to be a bright and gentle female teacher, but she is especially sweet towards Kouno Yuka. Her standing is much higher than Kouno Yuka’s. The teacher always laughs and never leaves the girl out.

However, perhaps because there was not much time left, when Kouno Yuka asked the transfer student what his name was, Andou-sensei said that she was about to introduce him.

“Okaaay.”

Kouno Yuka returned to her seat, still smiling. Her seat was at the end of the classroom in the middle row.

Until April, the students were sitting in the order of attendance, but the following month, all the seats were suddenly changed as per the girl’s request. Andou-sensei reluctantly said that the seats couldn’t be changed until everyone remembered each other’s names and faces, but when the girl claimed that every student already knew one another, the teacher couldn’t really disagree.

Before the final arrangement of the seats came out, Kouno Yuka said that she wanted to change seats every month. However, she liked her new seat very much, so there was no sign of a monthly change of seats since then.

“Well then, I’ll introduce you now. This is your new classmate, Shimizu-kun. Shimizu-kun, would you like to add something about yourself?”

When Andou-sensei called out to him, the transfer student who was standing by the door – a boy called Shimizu – approached the homeroom teacher, standing now in front of the blackboard.

The class created a pretty big noise due to the arrival of the new student, but they gradually calmed down. Then, the transfer student opened his mouth in a timely manner.

“Uhh, I’m Shimizu Terumichi. I didn’t actually think I would transfer to another school two months after the entrance ceremony, so I’m not really thinking about introducing myself! Ah, my hobby is watching funny videos! Also, do I have to repeat a year to graduate from this high school? Well then, it’s been decided. Please, take care of me!”

Such a bright look with shady eyes.

What was with that piercing gaze just a minute ago? Are you enjoying making fun of people? I haven’t even said a word yet.

Wrinkling his brow, Shimizu Terumichi turned to my side for a moment and then back to the front.

“Well then, take a seat near Yuka-chan.”

“Oh! That’s why there was a desk and a chair next to me! I thought it was a perfect seat for me.”

“Now, now, Yuka-chan. That wasn’t the case. Shimizu-kun, do you mind sitting over there?”

“Alriiight.”

After that, Shimizu Terumichi started walking towards the back of the classroom. Phrases like, “Isn’t he pretty cool?” and “He’s okay” filled the whole classroom. Kouno Yuka wasn’t an exception, considering how brightly she was smiling at him.

“I’m Kouno Yuka. It’s nice to meet you. You can call me Yuka.”

“Oh, then Yuka-san? I’m really not quite good at some stuff, so please, take care of me from now on.”

What a funny way of speaking. Whatever. However, he seemed to have touched the very heartstrings of Kouno Yuka.

“Oh, so you do understand that you better use honorifics towards others on your first day of transfer, do you? You seem to get how to address Kouno-san properly.”

I felt like everyone already was getting along with Shimizu Terumichi. Surely he was at the top of the caste. I guess, each of the students… the people at the bottom of the pyramid could already feel it. Some probably thought that he was a threat to their positions.

Well, it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter if the amount of transfer students had increased by one. I didn’t even talk to that guy. I was just looking outside the window, appreciating the beauty of the cloudy sky. I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in the classroom.

“I’m back.”

After the school was over, I opened the door to my house, leaving the beautiful sunset behind.

At the front door, my light blue slippers and my father’s green slippers were placed along the wall. Father works at a newspaper company and makes newspapers. He comes back irregularly, so usually, when I go to school or home, his slippers stay at the same place.

As I took off my shoes and put on my slippers, I noticed my mother approaching me while wearing her red slippers.

“Welcome back, Moeka. I’m preparing curry for today’s dinner. Look forward to it.”

Now that I think about it, I could actually feel some spicy smell right when I entered the house.

As I walked into the living room to follow the beckoning smell, mother already stood in the kitchen and resumed making the curry, which was suspended when I came home.

Such a familiar sound of cutting something with a kitchen knife echoed across the whole house.

When I casually sat on a couch in the living room, mother told me to go wash my hands first. After finishing doing that, I sat back on that couch. Mother took a little breath and then muttered: “School…”

“How was school? It’s already been two months since you entered the school… Is there anything you don’t like or worry about?”

Mother looked at me, stopping herself from cooking for a while. I, however, gently shook my head.

“I see… But you know, Moeka. If you are worried about something, tell your father and mother right away, alright? You’re the most important thing for us. If you dislike something, just leave it then. There’s no need to accept everything as it is.”

“I… I… It’s okay.”

When I spoke, my mother’s eyes turned even more anxious.

Mother is just worried whether I attend school properly… No, whether there’s stuff that I don’t do there.

I didn’t attend both elementary and junior high schools for quite some time. The first time was when I was in the third grade of elementary school. At that time, I took a break for about a year and eventually transferred to another school. The second time was when I was in the second year of junior high school. It’s been about two years since then, but I still feel nauseous just by remembering it.

When that stuff was up, I transferred to another school like I did in elementary school. I also couldn’t attend junior high school, so I went to free school and then took an entrance examination for high school. We were actually thinking of taking an entrance exam for a correspondence high school, so if the current school doesn’t work out for me, it’s been decided that I’ll attend a correspondence one.

So, up until now, I’ve been more disgusted with school than with any kind of homework, and that was written all over my face. That’s why mother is worried.

I think everything is written on my face again.

Certainly, I don’t like this school as well. I rather hate it. However, I think it’s environmentally better than when I was in junior high school or elementary school. Those were terrible times. Every single day, I was argued with, pushed here and there, insulted, and mimicked. Sometimes my belongings were getting damaged. With that in mind, the current environment where nothing bad happens is much better.

“Hey, Moeka. Are you perhaps getting bullied again…?”

I quickly shook my head to those words.

I really tried to speak out countless times, but kept reminding myself that it was okay. But in order to somehow change my current situation, I tried to talk about today’s transfer student, but I was struggling to do so. Mother was waiting for me to talk.

“Today… A transfer student… Came.”

“Is that so? A girl?”

“A… a… a boy.”

“What a rare occasion, at this time of year.”

Mother looked at our calendar with a confused look on her face. There was a flower called Limonium Sinuatum that was cut out on a character string that notified about a particular date.

“I hope you both will get along well.”

That’s impossible. Not just with him, but with anyone. I want her to understand that.

I was staring at the calendar as well, nodding once so as not to disturb my mother.