Even If I Killed This Love, Only You Wanted To Protect It

I silently walked down the hallway.

I look down to avoid all the peering eyes and change my direction if there are people who’re making a fool of themselves blocking the road.

I continued walking down the hallway like that until I reached the art class and chemistry lab located in a different building.

I glance outside from the window only to see my classroom on the other side where I’m currently at, looking at the boys in the hallway making a fuss like an idiot from quite a far place.

How stupid.

But as I try to avoid these stupid people, I heard the sound of metal jingling. Across the hallway, I happened to see the senior I met in the health room yesterday. Even though that senior wore a mask today as well and just casually walking, I felt some kind of a dignified aura from him just like that model seen on the TV.

“Oh, it’s you…”

It was already too late for me to turn back, and my senior started approaching me the moment she noticed my presence…

“Higuchi-san, what’s wrong? Are you on your way to the health room?”

“Ah, n, no.”

“I see. So it’s either just a walk or moving class, right?”

“……Yes.”

Senior looked at me as if she was thinking about something.

I wonder if she noticed it…… I start to feel sick from the nausea inside my stomach. I know I need to hurry up and leave but my body wasn’t listening, at that time my senior asked me, “As I thought, I haven’t told you my name, right?”

So all this time, she’s been thinking hard to remember whether or not she told me her name?

While I’m still having my doubts, senior nodded her head and open her mouth, saying:

“I know your name from the visitor card in the health room, but I have yet to tell you my name. I’ve been feeling like there’s something I’ve yet to do, so that’s the reason behind this. My name is Hagishiro Saki written as Hagi from a plant name, Shiro as in the colour of white, and Saki as in bloom. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Higuchi-san.”

Hagishiro-senpai reached out her hand to me. Although feeling a bit scared, I accepted her hand and in return, senior gently held my hand. She squinted her eyes as she let go of my hand.

“Well then, I have something to do in the library so I’ll go first. Let’s meet again in the health room… is what I’d like to say but, it sounds as if I wish for you to get sick again…… Anyway, I’m always in the health room, so if you ever feel sick just come and visit. Even if the nurse isn’t here I can take care of the rest.”

Hagishiro-senpai waved her hand as she walked away. Even her figure looks so imposing from behind.

Perhaps it’s better to say that senior is coming to the health room instead of coming to school. As for the reason why she’s wearing a mask, it might be because she has a weak body, or perhaps……

As I begin to think that way, those old memories suddenly start playing inside my head. That dark door, the sad face of my parents, that complicated face my teacher made as they looked at me as if mocking me……

I desperately shook my head, trying to erase those faces from inside my mind. When the bell rings, telling us that break time is over, I hurriedly go back to the classroom.

The moment I could see my classroom, my heart felt even more heavier. But since I have no choice other than to go back to the classroom, I reluctantly walk to the classroom.

If possible, I want to just run and go somewhere away.

But even if I want to run away, my bag is inside the classroom, and if I run away now, people will see me as “someone who ran away just from Shimizu Terumichi’s words.” Although no one said anything about it earlier, if I run away now, someone might start saying something later on.

Shit. Piss off.

Because of his frivolous words, my high school life that was supposed to be spent comfortably without any problem is now threatened.

Holding back my resentment for him, I entered the classroom without making eye contact with anyone, and headed straight to my seat.

Shimizu Terumichi is currently talking about the recent amusing broadcaster, and did not even realize that I’ve returned to the class. Feeling more at ease, I sat on my seat and took out the book from my bag.

This is self-defense. As not to be thought of as a loner, I’m acting as someone who really loves books.

If I give them a chance to take advantage of it, I’ll just end up with another unpleasant experience, so if I do this, even the nicest person no matter how kind they are, they won’t come and talk to me. Even if they come and talk to me I can’t make any conversation, and will just get mocked anyway.

But because of it, I ended up reading all the books in my home, and I don’t even remember how many times I’ve read the book I’m currently reading now.

I don’t hate going around to the bookstores since I also have some books I want to buy, but the bookstores around here has start using the point card[1] system, and they’ve been encouraging me to make one. When I kept shaking my head declining them, they thought that I’m a person who doesn’t even bother to give a reply and glared at me. Since then, I’ve yet to go to the bookstores. Whether it’s the school library or the public library, I need to talk to other people if I want to borrow some books, I can also ask my parents to order some books for me, but I don’t want to do either of them.

It feels as if it’s reminding me that I can’t do anything, that’s why I don’t ask my parents.

That’s why I ended up starting to dislike this reading hobby of mine.

As I was reading the novel which next developments and dialogues I could predict, Andou-sensei entered the classroom in a hurry. He looked up to the clock that was hanging above the blackboard, seemingly separating the class into two parts and muttered, “Ah, the breaks are over, huh.”

The time for morning homeroom certainly starts much later than usual. The first period is the modern literature that Andou-sensei teaches. I’m sure that after the homeroom time ends, it’ll continue into the first period.

At the cue for Andou-sensei, I stand up quietly while holding my head down, and sit when it’s done.

Ever since I entered high school, there’s been a daily duty but, all I had to do was miscellaneous stuff, such as filling the daily entry book or erasing the blackboard. I never once did the cue.

I was tasked with the cue when I was in primary school being told, “It’s important to try and challenge things,”, and ended up being faced in a terrible situation, although later on I was freed from such custom. I looked up at the cloudy sky while trying to listen to Andou-sensei teaching. All that I heard was, there’ll be changes in tomorrow’s schedule due to a cooking class.

Remembering what happened today and yesterday, Shimizu Terumichi’s face came to mind, making me feel a bit depressed.

From now on I’ll be in trouble if I get marked by others because of his frivolous words. Even my seating position now is weirdly conspicuous when taking videos and pictures.

I was clenching my teeth when Andou-sensei said, “Well because we’re running late, we’ll just continue with the modern literature,” and thus taking out the textbook and turning to the blackboard.

“Eh~ Are you for real? But I want to go to the toilet!”

That annoying Terada stands up, purposely shaking his body while putting his hand in between his legs. The teacher urged him “Then go while you can now,” and shifted his gaze to his surroundings.

“If anyone wants or wants to take their textbook from the locker, just go.”

In response to Andou-sensei’s words, the other students stood up and headed to the back. I took out the modern literature note and textbooks from my desk. I could hear the sound of the locker being opened and closed from behind me.

I never once used that locker. There’s no lock in it so it feels kind of unsafe, and even if they put a lock in it, people can just fill the keyway with glue and prevent it from opening. If I leave my books at school, someone will definitely scribble or even worse destroy it in the end anyway. To be honest it’s kind of a hassle bringing my uwabaki[2] back home, but I have no other choices.

Although I forget it at times, it was much better than buying it again and again after losing it many times when I was in primary and junior high.

I take out my textbooks followed by my notebook. There’s a modern literature class yesterday so when I turned the page where we left off yesterday, Andou-sensei smiled brightly and said, “That’s right.”

“Today we will be reading aloud in pairs!”

Feeling as if he just said give out an amazing idea, Andou-sensei opened the textbook to a certain page.

That smile and the words uttered makes me feel nauseous.

There’s no way I can read it aloud. I’ll definitely get teased and laughed at. I can feel the cold sweat in my back and the heat coming from the back of my eyes.

Chidariko asked the teacher, “Can we freely choose our partner? Or is it by the seating order?” But that voice that should’ve been closed feels so far away, and I feel like my field of vision is steadily leaving the classroom.

“The pair will be made according to the seating order, since we have Shimizu-kun who just got transferred here.”

The teacher finished speaking and looked at Chidariko. The person next to me is a quiet boy who doesn’t even have any interest in speaking with others. So even if I stutter on my reading, he might not laugh at me.

But the person two seats behind me. The person sitting next to it is a girl who’s close with Kouno Yuka. Our sitting position still makes it possible for us to have a conversation.

If I stutter, then she’ll definitely make fun of me, and of course she might tell Kouno Yuka about it. I already got enough unwanted attention today thanks to Shimizu Terumichi.

I was looking down when I heard a loud “Andou-sensei—!” coming from behind me.

“It’s okay to freely choose the pair! I already know and remember everyone’s faces and names anyway.”

Shimizu Terumichi stands up, not caring about the attention focused on him, and raises his hand. The people in class laughed at something I didn’t find funny at all, and Terada said, “Are you saying it for real, Shimizu?” suspiciously.

“Of course I remember. You’re Peroda[3], right?”

“It’s Terada! What’s with that Peroda?! ……Teach, this guy doesn’t remember anything!”

Seeing their exchange, Andou-sensei sighed and muttered, “There’s no helping it then,” and looked around the entire class.

“Then you are free to choose your own partner. When I give the cue, all of you will begin reading, so if you’ve paired up hurry up and seat, okay? Otherwise I won’t know who you guys paired up with.”

“That’s great! Well then, who should I pair up with?”

Hearing the teacher’s words, everyone in the classroom stood up altogether. It seems that they’ve decided who they’re gonna pair with, with Terada looking at everyone’s faces as if trying to select his partner carefully.

The total number of people in the class was odd until Shimizu Terumichi transferred here and rounded up into an even number. There was always someone left behind when making a pair in primary and junior high, but here, the leftover will pair up with the teacher, making it a hundred times better.

I shouldn’t have come to school today.

I can clearly feel my trembling legs hidden under the table.

If I didn’t come to school today, I won’t hear those stupid words from Shimizu Terumichi, and there won’t be a need for me to participate in this kind of thing.

Clenching my back teeth, I can hear the rattling noise from the chairs and desks around me. Such a harmonious atmosphere actually feels like shit for me. I was staring at the grain of wood in the table while thinking on what to decide from now on, when suddenly, I saw a stiff hand landing in the shadowed part of the table.

I raised my head only to see Shimizu Terumichi, who’s holding a textbook, standing there with a smile on his face, making him look like an adult talking to a kid.

“Hi~guchi-san. You’ve yet to make a pair, right? Let’s pair up.”

Shimizu Terumichi muttered “Oh, there’s an empty seat” and immediately sat next to me, pulling it closer to my seat.

I was stunned from his actions when he said, “I have a first-grade EIKEN[4] certification, so please look forward to my reading,” as he opened my still-closed textbook.

The surroundings are also stunned by the action of this guy called Shimizu Terumichi. The same thing goes for Kouno Yuka. “……Teru?” she said while looking at Shimizu Terumichi with her eyes wide open. As if representing the other’s confusion, Chidariko asked, “Eh? Shimizu, why are you pairing up with someone such as Higuchi-san?” her mouth remained open even after she uttered her question.

“First, it’s not ‘someone such as Higuchi-san’, okay Miss Chidariko~ And I’m using this opportunity to deepen my friendship with Higuchi-san.”

Although there wasn’t any match right now, Shimizu Terumichi is having a victorious smile plastered on his face.

After receiving shock from Shimizu Terumichi’s words, Terada immediately said with a laugh, “Are you for real? It’s the beginning of a love story then!”

Seeing that kind of smile, I can somehow understand what Shimizu Terumichi is thinking right now.

Again. Shimizu Terumichi is making fun of me again.

Perhaps, this is the continuation of what happened earlier in the morning. He said that his hobby is watching funny videos, does he also think that laughing at other people is the same as laughing at the contents of those videos?

Even at this moment, Kouno Yuka and her group are looking at me and Shimizu Terumichi, saying “That’s a live performance, then!” jokingly.

What live performance? Idiotic.

But even if I stand up and leave from my seat, almost all the people here have paired up and sat on their seats already. The only one standing is Terada, who’s still messing around. Perhaps the teacher also knows that and clasps his hand, saying “Okay, let’s begin the reading session.” Hearing the cue, everyone starts deciding whether to start from the first line or the line after, and begin reading after deciding.

What should I do. In front of me is Shimizu Terumichi, who’s currently reading aloud. Won’t the time just hurry up and over already.

I would be an easy prey if I start reading aloud in front of him. I’m sure when lunch break starts, or even worse when the class is over, he’ll start making fun of me, saying “I’ll imitate Higuchi-san~!” while copying my stuttering speech. And of course, I’ll be turned into a laughing stock out of it.

Everyone was starting to read aloud, but my mouth remained tied and closed.

Looking at my book opened by Shimizu Terumichi, all I could see was just a text block. I hate seeing those text blocks. Not to mention the guy in front of me. As I was clenching my fist, Shimizu Terumichi looked at me and said, “Hey.”

“Is it okay if I start first? If you want I can also put a first grade EIKEN commentary in.”

What’s with this guy, he’s been saying first grade EIKEN since earlier. What kind of appeal does he want to do? Don’t joke with me.

But I could only swallow back those words and nodded. Seeing that, Shimizu Terumichi said “Alright!” in a high tension and start reading the English text— But…

“…And that’s exactly why, although the meaning written here is correct, but…… In overseas, the negative form has a stronger meaning, so it’s better not to use it this way. In this kind of situation……”

He immediately began to comment on everything.

I can’t understand him at all. He’s not even finished reading a single line yet he just starts to comment on everything. When I thought that he had finally started to read the text again, he just went back to start commenting on the text again.

“That’s why, the information written in this textbook is kind of… debatable? It’s mostly used in a strict and or formal conversation. For example……”

Everyone else has changed their turn. If we stay like this, it’ll be over with just Shimizu Terumichi doing all the reading and commentary.

Just as I was wishing for him to just keep doing all the commentary, I start to wonder why he is so eager to do this explanation. I look at Shimizu Terumichi, who’s making this face as if he’s having fun doing this explanation while reading those English texts written in the book.

What’s with this guy?

The people around us are mostly focused on reading, with the only person who’s looking at us is Terada, who got warned by his partner because he keeps grinning while looking at us; and Kouno Yuka and her friends, who laugh mockingly while doing the reading. But even though they are looking at us, they won’t be able to hear what we are talking about, let alone all those comments given by this guy next to me.

But even so, what exactly is this guy thinking giving commentary and such? Does he really want to show off his English abilities?

“Okay, time’s up! Everyone go back to your seat!”

Andou-sensei claps his hand the same way as he did when he told us to begin. Shimizu Terumichi also stopped doing his commentary. In the end, he only managed to read half of the page.

“Well then, see you later Higuchi-san! Let’s meet again!”

Shimizu Terumichi stood up and waved his hand intensely, as if intentionally trying to make a loud noise out of it, and returned to his seat. Looking at his actions everyone starts jokingly saying stuff such as “You do realize that you’re still inside the classroom, right?” or “The distance between you guys is a little bit too close, you know!” or “You guys can see each other whenever you want.”

But to be honest, I was saved thanks to his incomprehensible acts. If I read something in front of him, he’ll definitely make fun of me. He might’ve seen me stuttering yesterday, but he probably didn’t hear any of it.

As I was stroking my chest from relief, I could hear a questioning “Huh?” being muttered by someone.

“Shimizu, why aren’t you saying anything? Higuchi-san you aren’t reading at all?”

The source of that voice…… Chidariko tilts her head, acting as if she’s just purely asking out of wonder. The teacher immediately responds to her words and turns his gaze to Shimizu Terumichi. I can feel my heart start pounding loudly. What should I do. If I read aloud in front of the whole class, it’ll be the end of me. I even thought that it’ll be over without having my turn.

My heart begins to throb rapidly. As if synchronizing with my heart, my head also starts to hurt.

In between the throbbing pains, I stood up while staggering, and fragments of my surroundings’ expression which changed from that of confusement to mockery, started floating inside my head.

No. Someone please save me.

As I was grabbing the hem of my skirt, the teacher turned to look at Shimizu Terumichi.

“Shimizu-kun, where did you finish just now?”

“Higuchi-san has finished reading, and I’m trying to understand as I read… The first part is… Ugh I could only read two lines!”

“I was thinking why Shimizu has been silent for a while but it turns out like that? Just start reading the book!”

“No, I’m just trying to show off my skill and start my own love story!”

Terada loudly breaks into the exchange between the teacher and Shimizu Terumichi. The laughter of my classmates annoys me. The teacher, as if trying to take control of the current situation said “Alright, let’s stop talking about this! It’s over~!” and the whole class immediately quiets down. “Shimizu-kun,” the teacher called over him with his calm voice.

“Shimizu-kun, if you can’t read it till the end, then do you want to read it aloud? That is if you really want to read it though.”

Shimizu Terumichi immediately reacts to the teacher’s words and says, “I can?! Yay!” as he stood up. He opened the textbook, coughing intentionally a few times, making Terada complain, “Hurry up and read.” Kouno Yuka seems to have fun as she holds her cheek with her hand.

“Well then, Shimizu Terumichi will start reading~! Higuchi-san, please look at me, okay.”

Suddenly the point of conversation was turned to us. However, as Shimizu Terumichi began reading in English, all the class attention was focused solely on him. His expression relaxed and looked over to me for a second. Completely different from before, he didn’t give any commentary and just seriously started to read the text. I turned to look at the front and lowered my gaze while listening to the text being read.

[1] In Japan lots of shops use a point cards system, where you’ll get either a discount or other interesting bonus if you saved up enough points.

[2] A type of slippers the Japanese wore indoors, such as at school, where outdoor shoes are prohibited.

[3] Shimizu changed the first letter of Terada’s name into Pero, which means “lick”.

[4] EIKEN is the Practical English Proficiency test (similar to JLPT but it’s English). There are 7 grades for it with 1 being the highest (grading system similar to JLPT, the lower the number, the higher the difficulty).