Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

“OUR TARGET? NO CAVITIES… NO GENTLEMEN!”

In the plaza, my anger was transforming into something material. The large group of Town Security troops and knights below me shouted loudly in response.

On this temporarily constructed wooden platform were a few banners I had written. My forceful calligraphy were representations of my complaints and my will.

The left banner said, “Strictly strike down the gentlemen!” [1] 1

The right banner said, “Cleanse the atmosphere of the city!”

The middle banner said, “Beifeng, go die!”

Alright then, let us not look too deeply into whether these banners rhymed with each other or matched each other, nor should we mention how Beifeng, who was still in the Earth Elemental Plane, had been the unknowing target of my wrath. Nevertheless, when I wrote those last three words in front of everyone, the cheers that filled the heavens represented their attitude.

“Beifeng, go die!”

They tossed their hats into the air and waved their hands, and one elven female was so excited that she even tossed her personal undergarments—the ones she had been wearing—into the air. I couldn’t help but sigh at this scene of high morale as I listened to the cheers that came from their very hearts.

“It’s nice that they’re spirited. A pity that Beifeng isn’t here.”

It truly was a pity. If Beifeng had been here, using him as a sacrifice would have raised morale more than anything else. If we were to take on the Gentlemen, what else would raise morale more than taking out Beifeng as our first target?

“Kill all the Beifengs!”

Wasn’t this female elf getting something wrong here…? Beifeng’s name wasn’t a synonym for pervert—wait a moment—it really could be used this way. Beifeng’s name definitely represented a greater concept than the word pervert could ever encompass.

“I’ve long since hated the sight of all those Gentlemen! I bought a bottle of whitening lotion and only used it for three days—don’t look at me like that! How many times have I said it—I’m not a dark elf! I’m a human from the plateaus! I just got too much sunlight! Isn’t it natural to want to be fairer?”

This lady wasn’t a dark elf? She was so dark that I couldn’t even make out her facial features. No wonder people always mistook her for a dark elf.

“Clothes-slicing demons and naked perverts, just you wait for me!” This one seemed to be a victim with a painful past. She was currently wrapped in two layers of steel plating, which probably gave her a feeling of safety.

As I observed the new Town Security troops, who were all gritting their teeth in anger, why would I still waste any words? With such high morale and anger, it was time to lock the doors and unleash these hounds… for their mission!

“Let’s go! I won’t say anything else! No matter if it’s a crime in progress or a repeat offender, catch them all for me! No matter what those important targets are currently doing right now, catch them all and bring them to me!”

Watching the rabid dogs—er—successful knights rush out, I nodded in satisfaction. As expected of the new Town Security knight squadron created from the Sulfur Mountain City Town Security troops. They had incredibly high morale and high combat strength, and the most important part was that they had lots of experience in dealing with those bastards. They wouldn’t let them escape.

“Team Number 1’s task is maintaining order and cleansing the city. Captain Yawen shall lead this team. The most important target for you is the Beyar brothers’ group, which is selling all that fake medicine. Those bastards—they actually dared to recommend their ‘safety brand’ engineering tools and alchemic potions! Do you know how much time I spent on explaining that those weren’t assassination tools, bombs, and poisons? If selling fake products became an international incident, it truly would be too ridiculous. Do a good job for me in dealing with those bastards!”

After Diana went to search for her own path of belief, her former second-in-command Yawen became the new leader of Town Security. And this time, I had the elites from Sulfur Mountain City come over, bringing more than half of Sulfur Mountain City’s Town Security over to Diffindor.

Until they got used to the sunlight, main task of these dark elves would be to patrol and keep the town safe during nighttime. As for why I picked today for a massive cleanup? That was mainly because today was extra cloudy and we had plenty of people to go around.

Even though the sun was scarce today, their current appearances were still rather scary. They were covered over in every part of their bodies, and they were wearing the gnomes’ complete sealing anti-poison masks. The white gases being emitted from the back of their heads appeared just like boiling steam.

I felt it was rather strange to see these cute females turn into strange uncles, but luckily, it was currently winter and wasn’t hot outside. It was somewhat tolerable, albeit still inconvenient.

“We need more specialized equipment. If you need human resources and materials, then use the unlucky ones that you catch this time as laborers and free wallets.”

Although most of them were actually tomboys filled with raunchy jokes, these female elves with excellent appearances now seemed as if they were demons that came from the Chaos Abyss. At least their strength and experience were trustworthy… Fine then, I admit that I received plenty of complaints regarding them; for example, how they had scared some naughty children.

“Team Number 2’s task is to maintain public morality. Momo and Catherine, if you see anyone who’s naked, tearing off other people’s clothes, or who’s wearing clothes but look even more depraved than someone who’s naked—yep—I’m talking about Pier and Omar, those musclehead bastards, catch them all for me. Do you all know just how many complaints I receive about them every day? Take these mosaic spraying guns, and the moment you see something depraved for me, mosaic it!”

Was it advanced technology? It was only black oil. If everything was pitch black, that would be even better of a mosaic than “Holy Light.”

“Team Number 3, your task is about forbidden goods, especially with regards to books and drawings that are overly detailed about opposite genders interacting with each other. Cough, I won’t go into detail about it; you all know what I mean. Oh, right, it’s also a similar crime for books and drawings about those with the same genders…”

I smiled in satisfaction when I saw all the Town Security knights leave upon receiving their missions.

The newly-born Town Security was also expected to be Diffindor’s only standing defense army. Their members consisted of all sorts, as there were some novice knights and hunters that had just finished basic training, there were elites from the Underground World, there were some that were locals from Diffindor, and there were even some neutral mercenaries that voluntarily joined the military.

Due to the existence of the “Crimeless City” domain, as long as enough Law job classes were maintained here, Diffindor would, in a way, truly become the Infallible City. And, the Church of Law’s main headquarters had been moved here as well… Honestly speaking, if the beastmen had attacked the current Diffindor, they would have been defeated rather quickly.

Alright then, since Diffindor didn’t require the maintenance of too much combat strength, the royal knights would remain as the national army. Giving them the job of protecting the city’s order and peace would be a waste. In that case, I used the military to reorganize things and gave the task of city defense and maintaining order to the Town Order Security Army—yep—I’m still calling them “Town Security” for short.

“This name sounds so plain, and the abbreviation sounds even stranger” was Elisa’s complaint.

“Hmph, none of you understand! This name can help repel evil! With three thousand Town Security members, everything will be peaceful, as everyone will be scared of them.”

Under my “singlehandedly forcing this plan through,” this Town Security squadron, which I had personally named, became my most loyal underlings of all.

Their tasks were quite simple—they just had to enforce the law. For those who caused small incidents or troubles, they would only have to lock them up for a short period as per the law. If they caught anyone that the ‘Crimeless City’ had marked as a serious criminal, then they would act as on the spot executioners. They would even become the anti-spy division if some spies entered the city.

In order to increase the overall strength of this newly born Town Security, I especially made sure to bring over a group of top-level individuals from Sulfur Mountain City’s Law job classes. With these Gold-ranked and Legend-ranked Law Incanters and Knights of Justice helping out, I doubted that anyone could escape them.

As this was within Wumianzhe’s Divine Domain, Law job classes would have their power levels greatly increased here. More than half of the Town Security knights in my new Town Security had Law related job classes.

Normally speaking, in order to assist in rescue and protection operations, there should have been a certain percentage of Holy Light job classes as well. Unfortunately, judging from the current team compositions, the number of Holy Light job class holders were pathetically few, completely insufficient.

Or, perhaps I should say that the effect of exiling the Holy Church’s branches here was becoming more and more evident.

Since generalist type elites, who were good at everything, were difficult to come by, at the very least I tried to find some elites that were capable. In the end, after what sort of counted as picking from the cream of the crop, the entire Town Security consisted of an astonishing 70,000 plus individuals, which could definitely be called a huge Town Security Army. And each major team had their own district where they would typically be stationed. For this special event today, I had only taken approximately 10,000 of the elites from the elites.

This event was both something necessary in order to improve order in the city as well as a major group military event for me to see the combat strength of this newly born Town Security.

Soon, with other Town Security members and the assistance of “good samaritan citizens,” numerous chases could be seen through the streets and alleyways.

“Brothers, they’re just too much! I’m going to go all out against them… where are you all?”

This newly arrived Clothes-Slicing Demon hadn’t figured out the necessary strategies for fighting against the Town Security. While he had intended to rush them, his brothers had already abandoned him and vanished, while those that believed they were slow runners that couldn’t escape just directly gave up and surrendered.

“Why would we go all out against them, you idiot? It’s not like we committed any serious crimes. We’ll just be locked up for a few days and fined if we’re caught, but if we resist, we’ll be beaten half to death.”

Various unlucky bastards were captured, and forbidden goods piled up like mountains. Soon, I discovered that the open field I had prepared for placing them had already been filled.

“Sixty boxes of alchemic potions with unknown effects, where even their creator doesn’t know the effects… Olive, you can even produce potions with unknown effects—you’re such a genius.”

Olive was an expert at improving and creating new potion recipes, but every successful improvement or creation meant hundreds of accumulated failures. As independent merchants, they kept straying into the gray area when dealing with their failed products, and they would always give it some new name and try selling it in order to recoup their losses.

I had heard about a certain maniacal alchemist’s potions becoming famous for having completely random effects after you drank it. However, since the potions often had incredibly strong effects and were quite cheap to purchase, quite a few risk-takers purchased some to use as a gamble in case they were forced to the brink. One time, one person even drank a bottle and gained the ability to spit out dragonbreath.

“Heh heh! I’m not as good as you say.”

Seeing how this ace alchemist Olive was trying to pretend to be a fool, as well as how her master, Yingou Beyar, was doing his best to reduce his presence, I laughed as well.

“Heh heh! If you drink all these potions, I won’t hold you responsible anymore. Otherwise, according to the new laws, you’ll be fined ten times the price of your products. …The hell, you actually dare to drink them?”

I underestimated the gnomes’ obsession about money. Before I even finished speaking, Yingou Beyar had already rushed over to the potion boxes, while his apprentice, who was, in fact, more talented than him, was trying to stop him.

“Don’t drink those, Master! You’ll die if you drink too many of those failed products!”

“Money is my life, so if I don’t drink them, I’ll definitely die! While if I drink them, I still have a chance to live!”

While watching this gnome great alchemist turn half cyan and half white from a potion’s effects, I was once again astonished at the gnomes’ lack of all limits regarding money. Although I knew that these potions probably wouldn’t have fatal effects (as they wouldn’t actually dare sell them if they did), who knew what would happen to him in the end after drinking them?

“Come! Half for me; half for you!”

“Alright…” *Gulp!*

Yingou, who was now rainbow-colored, thought for a moment and instantly came up with the thought that rather than drinking by himself, he might as well get someone to drink with him. He actually made his own student drink the potions together with him.

And, so, various potions were poured into Olive’s mouth. Now, it was time for this alchemist to enjoy her own wildly imaginative creations.

“A transformation potion, a cloning potion, an intelligence raising potion, a werewolf potion, and all of these are even the improved editions. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Perhaps it’s even possible to transform into a giant fox with nine tails with these.” [2] 2

Although I had intended to make a big trade deal with them, as I had a huge order I intended to give to Olive’s workshop, I wasn’t in a hurry. I decided to teach them a lesson first; otherwise, who knew what they could get up to in the future?

“I’m so glad I didn’t choose to become an alchemist.”

My retainer knight Catherine was rather scared to see her senior turn red then turn green, then grow two rabbit ears, then grow a fox tail, then become furry all over, and then become hairless.

She was truly grateful that she chose to become a knight in the end. Otherwise, she would definitely have become a member of Olive’s team.

And my next target was the most critical point of this public morality improvement project. If those damned bastard artists and black-market book sellers were influencing even a Great Saint like Margaret into collecting dirty books, I absolutely had to stop this depravity.

I looked through the pile of books we confiscated, and randomly picked two to look at, and then…

*Clap.* I immediately shut the books.

“Is it really that interesting to draw two men hugging each other?”

“It’s not interesting, but it’s very profitable.” This man named Tom was tall and seemed dull, and his appearance didn’t seem like that of a black-market book seller at all. However, was, indeed, the largest black-market book seller in all of Diffindor. He currently seemed quite at ease even in front of my questions and authority.

“Then, do you have any other types, such as normal ones…”

“Yes, but not many. These are our main sources of revenue.”

I felt that this was rather strange. Normally, men would want to buy some of these books as well, so why did Tom specifically sell mostly boys’ love books?

“It’s not like this year has been a major financial disaster. If men have needs, they’ll think of other methods to take care of them, such as going out for some drinks. After all, that’s not illegal. Besides, otakus’ consumption habits are far lower than fujoshis’. Many major families’ daughters appear to be quiet and ladylike on the surface, but will buy as many of these books as they can carry at one time. They’re much bigger customers than men are. You see, I’m not selling products, I’m selling dreams. Everyone has their own needs, they—”

Suddenly, Tom revealed a depraved smile.

“If Milord wishes, I can even make specialized orders for you, and you can request just about anything—a male or female main character, brothers, parent and child, sisters, brother and sister… judging by your expression, you’re not into incest, so how about gold-haired lolis or big-breasted mature women…?”

I silently put down the book in my hand and clapped my hands. After that, everyone around me tossed the torches they were holding at the pile of books.

“My dream of conquering the world through porn books! My children! You’re all murderers!”

Although the content of what Tom was shouting was somewhat strange, many people around him understood what he meant, as well as the crying that came from the bottom of his heart.

“So, he was yet another gentleman (pervert). We’re going to have to keep a close watch on him in the future.”

Hmph, did I look like someone who was so easy to bribe? If you want to bribe me, you’d have to do it privately. With so many people watching me at the time, if I nodded in agreement, wouldn’t that be labeling myself as a pervert as well? Besides, just what status do you think I have? If I wanted such books, did I really need to go through a book seller?

And so, I activated my communication device.

“Adam, have you obtained them?”

“Yep, I’ve stockpiled plenty of precious books. I tossed all the female-oriented ones to Town Security, and made them burn those books. The male-oriented ones—we’ll split them half each.”

“70% for me, 30% for you. Otherwise, I’ll tell Margaret on you. Oh, and let me pick first.”

“You bastard, I—I…”

No matter how much he complained or threatened me, all I had to was keep saying “I’ll tell Margaret,” and Adam could only surrender. I had the advantage of being unmarried whereas he was terribly afraid of his sweetheart’s wrath, so I successfully won this one on him. I suddenly was in a much better mood as I thought about how those confiscated books would soon belong to me.

But, before I even got to be happy for more than one minute, I suddenly heard Adam’s cry of surprise.

“Margaret, Elisa! Why are you here? How did you find out…?”

Alright then, I didn’t need to hear any more. Just from hearing these two names, I knew that Adam had made a mess of things again. Either he was followed, or someone told on him. In order to avoid getting dragged into the mess as well, I immediately turned off the communication device.

“Next criminal!”

Just thinking about the precious books that were leaving me without ever having belonged to me in the first place made me vent my rage from the bottom of my heart with an angry shout.

However, this next group brought before me gave me a big headache.

They had black hats, black robes, sickles, and wooden crosses along with burning torches. Wasn’t this the standard equipment for some torchlight festival? However, the “FFF” written on all their robes’ back explained everything.

“Your Highness, this is the evil cult organization FFF that we just investigated and rounded up. They were planning to execute a terrorist attack code named ‘Single people should live forever, while damned couples should die.’ They intended to indiscriminately attack couples on the Day of Peace.”

“No, we weren’t going to attack indiscriminately! We FFF members would only attack damned couples, and would never attack those in true love!”

“The difference between true love and damned couples? Can you even differentiate between those?”

“If the woman is scarily ugly, then that’s true love, and if she’s beautiful, they’re a damned couple that deserves to die!”

Alright, their entire group angrily shouted in unison, their shouts piercing the skies. Their directness caused me to lose the courage to defend them, as their angry expressions showed that they truly believed this.

Yep, it was them. There were far more than just one before me. There were over 30 black-robed FFF high-ranked members sitting in front of me, and they definitely looked like members of a mega evil cult. This was even supposed to be the highest-ranked members’ conference, and their members had spread through all of Diffindor already. Should I be proud of myself for personally creating this abnormal group?

“Even if you punish us, the torches of the Holy War shall never be extinguished!”

“Our war is eternal, Valentine’s Day is a barbeque, Lovers’ Day is a day for the Holy War, Singles’ Day is the day for all damned couples to go die, and Christmas is the date of the final battle! Our members come from the five lakes and the four seas!”

“Perhaps the short-term victory is yours, but eternal glory belongs to FFF! If you kill us, there’s still more that will come after!”

“Idiots! Our beliefs are justice!”

Looking at these passionate, brave warriors, I couldn’t help but be filled with warm tears. I wanted to just let them go, but the eyes upon my back felt like sharp swords; I probably had to punish them.

And, so, I did my best to come up with an idea on how they wouldn’t have to suffer physically yet still receive a punishment that would please my subordinates.

“Tie them up in Ailia Park’s forest—yep—the park that has the nickname of being the holy grounds for dating. Find some couples to intentionally display their lovey-doveyness in front of them, so that they can only watch…”

“Kill me now!”

“There’s actually such a scary punishment in this world? You demon!”

Sigh, I was actually a good person. Why was it that nobody understood me?

[Achievement Unlocked: Black-Hearted King…]

“You shut up!”

Note:

1. There will be instances where “gentlemen” is synonymous to “pervert” and is used instead.

2. Naruto reference!