Falling In Love

Lance. 

He is everything. 

I look at him in this car and I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I just want to rip off all his clothes and have him right here in this car. Ford is not the kind that would agree to that, he is too conservative. He doesn't do the whole public display of affection. I know it is because he is still kinda in the closet. 

I can't wait for him to open the door and bloom like the beautiful butterfly he is. He is so much more than everyone thinks. 

"You said you had good news?'' he reminds me. 

Now I don't even know if my news is good. He mentioned how he couldn't wait to be in the same house with me a couple of minutes ago. I don't know what he is thinking. Does he really want me in his place all the time? Is he actually looking forward to it? 

''I spoke to my mom.'' 

He nods ''And?'' 

''It's about me moving in with you guys. I don't actually think it is a good idea for us to live together. We might get caught that way.'' 

He furrows his brows, I continue ''I asked her, actually no, I plead with her. I had to grovel but she is going to let me stay at the apartment, well only on weekends'' 

''I see,'' he mutters. 

I don't like the tone of his voice. He is supposed to be happy about this. we have a house to ourselves. Without the interruptions of his father and my mom. The look on his face is even worse. There is sadness in his eyes. Why is he sad? 

''You don't look excited. Why are you not excited?'' 

He sighs, I grab his hand in mine. I don't want him sad and now that I might be the reason for his sadness. It is eating me up. ''Talk to me.'' 

He sighs again but his grip on my hand tightens. He is not upset with me. something is bothering him but he is not upset. That is all that is important to me. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt him. 

''Would it be so bad living with me?'' 

I crease my brows from the confusion of his words. This is not about him; it was never about him to begin with. 

''Who says I don't want to live with you?'' 

He shrugs. 

I frown ''I always want to be close to you. You are the love of my life. going a day without you is torture.'' 

''Then why do you have to fight so hard. Just move into the house. At least then we can be together all the time.'' 

''We can be together here too.'' 

He shakes his head and suddenly loosens his grip on mine. I watch him as he lets go of my hand and runs his through his hair. He is frustrated. I can tell that much. 

''Everyone is noticing.'' 

''Noticing what?'' 

''Us.'' 

That is why he is worried? 

''Has anyone said anything?'' 

he looks at me ''Not directly but I shouldn't be spending all the time I am spending with you. My father thinks you will turn me gay. Lisa has her eyes on me like a fucking hawk. What excuse can I use to come to you?'' 

So, John is not actually okay with me being gay. He is just pretending because of my mother. I knew the whole thing was just too good to be true. So, he went as far as to tell Ford that I would make him gay. 

Wow. 

''We are friends. At least, they think we are. You don't have to give an excuse to hang out with a friend.'' 

"We have nothing in common. No one actually believes we are friends.'' 

I roll my eyes at his words. We don't have to have anything in common to be friends. We can be two different people and still like hanging out with each other. I can understand why this is messing with his mind. He knows we are not friends and he is too scared that people will notice soon enough that there is more to our relationship. I am not scared and I am more than willing to be the brave one in this. The fact that we have the apartment to ourselves is a good thing. The chances of getting caught are slimmer. 

"We love each other, that is something we have in common,'' I remind him. 

He smiles, I mean that genuine one where his eyes crinkle and his nose crunches up. The one I love so much. The one I wish could be on his face all the time. I lean forward until my face is pressed to his ''This is a good thing. You don't have to tell anyone that you are coming to see me. You just show up and then they don't have to know. We will be fine,'' I assure him. 

He bends his head backwards and I watch him, still holding unto him. A groan escapes his lips—this is very hard for him. No one ever said love was easy. Going into this relationship, I already knew. It wasn't going to be easy. There are just too many obstacles and even though I plan to overcome them with him, it isn't going to be the easiest. 

Love isn't sweet unless there is a little pain. 

"Would you mind driving away from here?'' I look up to him with hopeful eyes. 

He creases his brows in confusion "Why?" 

"I want to kiss you." there is desperation in my voice. The kind that makes me excited and a little bit terrified. 

He smiles and I watch him start the car and drive until he gets to a park close to the apartment. The park is empty as it usually is. This is not the best part of town, so people like to avoid walking around late at night. The fact that Ford parked his shiny car here is not so safe but I don't plan on keeping him here for too long. I just want to be in his arms. The wedding is tomorrow, the reality is kicking in and I am anxious. 

I am still holding unto him as he rests into my arms, his head on my shoulder. "The wedding is tomorrow,'' he blurts out the elephant in the room. 

"Yeah, just stay with me all through. I don't want to think about it." 

He chuckles "You know we don't have anything to do with them. My father is not the best person. I doubt this will last.'' 

I don't doubt about his dad but I also saw the way he looks at my mom. He loves her, the fact that he even accepted me even though he is not okay with it is just proof. He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize this. That much is obvious but I don't say anything to Ford. If he thinks their marriage will fail, then the better for us because he will use that to channel all his strength into fighting for us. 

He looks at me and his eyes flicker, with a dark sultry look that gets to me. When he looks at me like this, I feel special. I feel treasured like I am the most important person to him. He is the most important person in my life. I can't even imagine my life without him anymore. There is no going back from this, not that I even want to. 

He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair from my face. I know my hair is a mess but he seems to like it the way it is. He likes everything about me. The things I never liked. All my insecurities, this man looks at me like I am the most beautiful person on earth. 

"You know after this is over, we should take a trip somewhere, like to another country, a place far away from here,'' he mutters still brushing my hair in a comforting manner. 

I close my eyes I rest into him. A trip with him sounds very inviting. An escape from here, somewhere we can be ourselves. ''We have the rest of our life together,'' I breathe into his neck 

He sighs knowing full well I am right and we can't take a trip right now. He said he has all eyes on him and I don't want to do anything to ruin what we have, especially when it is so perfect. 

We drive back to my place and he grabs my hand in his with a gentle squeeze ''I love you,'' he manages with this look on his face that I cant read. Almost like a mixture of worry and fear. 

''Always,'' I assure him. 

As he leaves me and I walk back into the apartment, I can't help but think and wish that things were different. 

Easier.