False Hero

I was breathless. 

It was as if my head was going to burst. I have no energy in my body, and now that I think about it, the sun is kind of coming out. I started meditating at night and it's fucking dawn now!

I am nowhere near making a proper thread, there was no progress. I can now see why this process of making mana thread is discouraging for the students and why it took some students years to even make a single mana thread. 

I buried my head inside the pillow as I let out a deep yawn. 

There is at least one upside to this process, I can feel sleepy. I don't usually sleep a lot at night. Usually, I sleep to one to two hours a night and when I am lucky I might be able to even sleep for three. 

The voices in my head are calmer...

I feel sleepy...

"Grey! why did you kill me?"

"Grey, You were supposed to save us."

"Grey, Aren't you a hero?"

It was the faces of the kids from the village. One of them grabbed my leg, other grabbed onto my collar. Their skin was dry... One of them still hands the rope around their neck, the way that kid killed herself. 

Whereas other kids were still bleeding through their chest and in their chest was the icicle knife that I stabbed them with. 

Hobgoblin ... the general..... the godess of curse..... everyone was there, just the way I killed them. 

Asking different questions .... all of them were asking questions of their own.

"Grey --- why did you kill my family?"

"Grey, why didn't you save me? you knew that I was innocent. Why didn't you save me, Grey?"

"Grey, you were the monster ever since you were little, I hope you haven't forgotten that you have killed the very first man at the very age of eight. That man is me of course."

"Grey ---- Grey ---- Grey!!!! Grey!!!"

With a sudden shook, I sat up. I was out of breath, I was covered in a cold sweat. I looked around the room to see that Aetna was seated in front of me. 

"It's rare for you to wake up late." she ran a piece of cloth through my forehead as she asked, "Had a bad dream, again?"

"Yes," I said as I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes as I calmed myself down. I was used to it, so it doesn't take me even ten seconds to calm myself down.

She held on to my hand as she said "I wish I could help you, but even I don't know how to deal with traumas. Traumas ----- it doesn't leave you alone---- it eats you up, slowly."

I got up from my bed as I said, "Aetna, you know, you are weirdly wise sometimes." I said as I walked up to the bathroom.

"You think so? hehe" 

"By the way, I think from tomorrow we should sleep in our own dorms rather than teleporting back to the house. You should spend time with your friends."

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I was attending a specific class. There were around ten students who were attending this lecture and I was one of them. 

I am confused about the reason why there were so few students attending this lecture. I would have understood the reason if the professor was bad or something like that. But this professor had a good record like his research is pretty popular and he is mentioned in various books throughout the year. 

There was a major controversy where his wife died but I don't think it had something to do with students attending his few lectures.

"Hello, students ---- my name is professor Blake. I teach subjects related to mana and magic, just like professor Ronia. " He clapped his hands together as he said, "You all might be wondering about why there are so fewer students here?"

"Yes, actually."

"That's because ---- I was the reason that my wife died. I and my wife used to research energy known as divine energy. I am not talking about the divine energy used by the church. Their divine energy is stored in their artifacts and they borrow that divine energy to use to cast spells. But even doing that takes a toll on their body. 

The mortal body is not made for divine energy, we can use divine energy since we are spawns of divine and every human has the possibility of divine. At least that's what I believe. I and my wife were researching how to naturally store divine energy in the mortal body. 

My wife volunteered since it was her lifelong goal to achieve and use divine energy. I just tagged along since I loved her. We knew the risk but she volunteered to store divine energy in her body. At first, everything was fine, she was healthy and it was going well. She was able to use the divine energy, but then the divine energy was destroying her body at a rapid rate.

In a year she died, and I couldn't do anything about it. People believe that I killed her and they aren't wrong since I was part of the experiment."

There was pin-drop silence in the classroom. 

"Now that you heard everything ---- if you don't want to be thought by me, you can leave and I won't blame any of you."

Well, everyone was still seated in their place. They didn't leave or I guess they were just awkward about it.

"Fine--- I will turn around and close my eyes since it will be awkward for you guys to leave in front of me."

After a minute, professor Blake turned around. Looking at the classroom he smiled, but it was rather a sad smile. 

"I expected everyone to leave, but I guess it's my lucky day that at least one student stayed." 

He was talking to me and well, everyone else left the class. It was only me who was seated in the classroom.

"Grey Hoffmann! now that you have stayed. Let's begin the classes. Tell me what do you want to learn, since you are the only student I can teach you according to your preference ."

I opened my book of advance magic. Yeah, that was the name of the book. 

"I want to actually learn about the mage circle." 

"Huh? if you wanted to learn that, there is no one better to teach that than professor Mirchi. Even though she is young, she is the best capable to do that."

I chuckled as I said, "But my dad said that there was no one better than during the time you guys were studying together."

"Ranulf said that? I mean I was good, but I am not good anymore. Fine ----- I will teach you how to do it and I will tell you the reason why I am not able to do it anymore." 

He stretched his hand as he cast a mage circle. It was blue in color and the pattern in the circle was faded yet it was a proper mage circle.

"This is a mage circle. Let me correct myself, I am able to do it but before I was used to doing it way better." 

He closed his fist as the mage circle disappeared. "The mage circle is a reflection of one's soul. The shape and pattern of the circle are different for everyone. The best way to cast this spell is to get in touch with yourself, I am not a philosopher so I can't really tell you what it means by getting in touch with yourself.

If I did, I would have been able to cast a better self. But I think no one would be able to give you a definite answer since getting in touch with yourself and yourself can be only done by you yourself."

I stretched my hand as I gave it a try. Closing my eyes I tried to mimic exact same thing the professor did.

I can mimic it well by using my seal of Minerva. Closing my eyes I cast a circle as I copied the exact same pattern that the professor did.

{Things written in bold are memories of someone else.}

A woman was lying down. There were white lines, perhaps it was veins but the veins don't shine this brightly. 

I was holding her hands, but it wasn't really my hand. nor my action was mine owns. But for some reason, my heart was stinging. I was in pain...

"Hehe, I think the experiment didn't really end well for me." It was the woman who was in my arms that said this.

"No please--- please stay awake. I can find --- I can find a cure!!!!"

I screamed and shouted, but my voice wasn't reaching her. There was a kid who was standing beside her, he looked a lot like John Blake. 

As I was shouting, the woman grabbed my hand as she said "Please look after John, don't be a bad parent like me and remember mama loves you both." 

It was as if the woman used the last of her energy in saying that sentence. After saying that neither she talked nor she responded to anything and eventually she -----

It was as if I snapped back to reality. I was standing in the same classroom and when I looked i was doing able to cast the exact same circle as professor Blake. But I wasn't able to do something about it, it was of no use to me.

"Huh? how did you even manage to cast the same mage circle like me?"