Ferocious Dog of Old

“Tao Huainan… have some yoghurt.” The academic rep came over and sat next to Tao Huainan, pushing the yoghurt over to him as she murmured softly.

“Thank you,” Tao Huainan said politely in her direction. He didn’t drink it after thanking her. He hadn’t recovered from his cold yet, so his voice was a little nasal.

Over lunch break, the two of them sat there quietly. There were also a few other girls in class sitting in their seats, all apart from each other.

After a moment, the academic rep asked, “Why isn’t Chi Ku here?”

Tao Huainan was silent for a moment, before saying, “I don’t know either.”

“How could you not know?” The academic rep blinked and asked, “Aren’t you two together every day?”

“I really don’t know.” Tao Huainan’s finger scratched the edge of the table. He laughed lightly as he said, “I miss him too.”

–

It had been several days since school started. Tao Huainan came and went home by himself every day. Everyone in class was secretly discussing Chi Ku. Some said his grades were too good, so he had to skip a year; others secretly said that his family had found out about him and the academic rep dating and made him transfer schools.

Some privately asked Tao Huainan. Tao Huainan told them all that his xiao-ge was only taking time off, and would be back in a few days.

Sometimes, during the breaks between periods, the two boys behind him would knock on Tao Huainan’s desk with their legs and ask him whether he wanted to go to the toilet. Tao Huainan would always shake his head and say no.

He didn’t want to bother anyone, and he didn’t want to move.

–

Tao Huainan wasn’t angry at Chi Ku anymore, not even a little. As long as Chi Ku was fine, it was okay even if he didn’t come back.

His brother ran into a spot of trouble; something happened at the conference, so he couldn’t finish everything smoothly. Tao Huainan hadn’t seen him for the past two days. It was always Tian Yi-ge who picked him up.

Tao Huainan was worried about Chi Ku on one hand and worried about his ge on the other. But he couldn’t do anything. He was just a blind, useless thing who needed protection, never able to protect them in turn.

There wasn’t the slightest bit of news about Chi Ku. Tao Huainan was so worried, he couldn’t sleep all night. He always overthought things. Each call that wouldn’t go through made him think of one possibility: had Chi Ku been beaten by his father or something? Closing his eyes, he seemed to remember that stench of blood in the van when he was little, along with that twitching child.

It didn’t make any difference to Tao Huainan whether his eyes were open or closed, so he opened them all night. His mind was full of the possible reasons that Chi Ku wasn’t able to return, each one making him shudder in fright, his wits all gathered in one cluster.

–

When the phone suddenly rang in the wee hours, Tao Huainan was so shocked he shrank back, then immediately rose from the bed and leapt over. Grabbing the phone and unlocking it, his arms and fingers trembled.

“…Hello? Tao Huainan’s voice was unsteady too. He was very anxious.

“It’s me.”

A simple, short sentence; when this sound entered his ear, Tao Huainan seemed to have been struck dumb in an instant.

“Where did you go…” Tao Huainan did his best to fight the teary ache in his nose. He squatted on the bed, holding the phone tightly. 

Chi Ku said, “My phone’s broken, I couldn’t call.”

“How did it break?” Tao Huainan held his breath as he continued asking, “Chi Zhide stole your phone? Did he hit you? Did you not manage to get away?”

Chi Ku didn’t answer these. He only told him, “I’m borrowing this cellphone, so I can’t talk for too long. I’ll be back in a few days, don’t imagine things.”

“Did he hit you or not?” Tao Huainan didn’t respond to his words either, only asking his own questions. “He hit you, didn’t he? Did he manage to land a beating?”

Chi Ku told him “it’s fine”.

“Don’t let him hit you.” Tao Huainan didn’t manage to resist in the end. He buried his face in his knees, the tears hitting his kneecaps as they fell. “Don’t provoke him. It’s okay if you don’t come back. I won’t go to blind school. I just said that to scare you. I’ll still wait for you.”

“Hold it in, don’t cry.” Chi Ku was as completely ungentle as ever over the phone, with an impatient tone that was unique to him. He said to Tao Huainan, “If you don’t want to go to school, don’t go for now. You won’t understand anything anyway.”

“I do understand… I listen properly every day. When you come back, I’ll even be able to teach you.” Tao Huainan hurriedly added, “Don’t be in a rush to come back, don’t provoke him.  When ge is done with work in the next few days, we’ll come get you. Avoid Chi Zhide…”

“Don’t come!” Chi Ku cut him off, saying to him, “Don’t come, I’ll go back myself.”

He coughed a little when he spoke too quickly, and his voice sounded weak too, as if he had no energy. After a few coughs, he said to Tao Huainan, very fiercely, “Don’t let ge come over, or Chi Zhide will keep bothering him again. I’ll be back after a few days, don’t worry.”

Tao Huainan just squatted, not speaking.

“Do you hear me?” Chi Ku asked impatiently.

Tao Huainan nodded, then remembered that Chi Ku wasn’t in front of him and couldn’t see, so he said, “I hear you. Why are you coughing?”

Chi Ku still said “it’s fine”, then said, “I’m hanging up, I need to give the phone back.”

Subconsciously, Tao Huainan wanted to stop him, but didn’t in the end. He felt like there was a lot that he wanted to say, but there was no real need to say it. Everything he wanted to say, Chi Ku already knew; he would be annoyed at him for being bothersome.

–

Because of this one phone call, Tao Huainan’s heart was back on solid ground for now. Some news was better than the previous absence of any news at all. Chi Ku’s borrowing a phone to make this call to him seemed to charge Tao Huainan up a little—he had strength now. Though his nose was still blocked and his head a little pained, at least his heart didn’t hurt as much from clenching anymore.

Tao Huainan listened seriously to every lesson, so that if Chi Ku came back and found he didn’t understand something in their book, he would be able to explain a little. Though this situation might not even happen—Chi Ku was too clever, he understood everything he read.

After all, Chi Ku was super capable.

–

People’s hearts were always changeable. Before Chi Ku left, Tao Huainan couldn’t imagine a life alone at all—it was like the end of the world. But now that Chi Ku had left for such a long period of time, though it really did feel like the end of the world, he managed to survive. He even thought it was fine if it went on for a little longer, as long as Chi Ku was okay and wasn’t beaten.

Tao Huainan hadn’t seen ge for several days now. When school ended that night, as Tian Yi-ge was taking him home, he called ge on the phone.

Tao Xiaodong thought there was something wrong; he worriedly asked what had happened.

Tao Huainan said, “Nothing, I just miss you.”

“You miss me?” Tao Xiaodong laughed on the phone. The fatigue was audible in his voice. “I should be able to come back tomorrow. I’ll bring you along to pick up Xiao Chi.”

“Xiao Chi called me already.” Tao Huainan comforted his brother over the phone, calling Chi Ku “Xiao Chi” too. “His phone broke. He called me with someone else’s phone. He doesn’t want you to go. He was fierce.”

“He’s fine?”

“He’s fine. He told us not to worry,” said Tao Huainan.

Next to him, Tian Yi said, “I heard you two on the phone in the middle of the night, all sticky and clingy. When I first heard it, I thought Xiao Nan was secretly dating. I only realised it was Xiao Chi after listening for a while.”

Tao Xiaodong heard this over the phone and chided him. “Why were you listening in on his phone call? You’re nothing like a proper older brother. I asked you to take care of my kids. Did I say to eavesdrop on their call?”

Tian Yi laughed as he said, “Our Xiao Nan isn’t afraid of being heard.”

Tao Huainan had cried when he picked up the call that day. Now that he realised Tian Yi-ge had heard him, he felt unusually embarrassed. He laughed a little and didn’t speak.

–

Tao Huainan went to school by himself for a week. On the weekend, his brother noticed that his cough was a bit serious and took him to get IV drips for two days.

Tao Huainan’s body was like this; he’d had a weak immune system since he was little, often getting colds and fevers as a child. He’d gotten better in the past two years after growing a little. With other children, minor colds would get better over a few days without any needles or medicine, but for him, it dragged on for a whole week. It wasn’t too unpleasant, so he didn’t notice at first.

Unexpectedly, the needles stimulated his illness. Perhaps it was also because Tao Huainan was so worried about Chi Ku that he didn’t eat or sleep well, so his body was in poor condition recently. He suffered through two days of the weekend, only feeling much better on Monday morning.

On Monday morning, Tao Xiaodong asked if he wanted to take the day off.

Tao Huainan shook his head. He tore the stick of bread and put it in his mouth as he said, “It feels like I’ve recovered now. My nose isn’t blocked anymore.”

“Bring your phone. If you’re uncomfortable, call me,” Tao Xiaodong said to him.

“Okay,” Tao Huainan obediently nodded as he spoke.

–

He wasn’t lying at all when he left that morning. He really did feel much better: his nose wasn’t blocked and his head didn’t hurt. But at noon, Tao Huainan lay on his desk feeling wave after wave of chills. All around him, the windows were shut, but he was still cold.

Half-dreaming and half-awake, he almost blurted out a muddled, “Chi Ku, I’m cold”. Just as he was about to make the “Chi” sound, he abruptly remembered that Chi Ku wasn’t here. He calmly swallowed the rest of the words and continued to lie down.

His head hurt. It was cold. He had no energy in his whole body. If Chi Ku were here, Tao Huainan would certainly be groaning and sighing and whining right now. But now that he was alone, he didn’t feel like it was a big deal. He pulled out a piece of tissue, wiped his nose, and lay there for half the noon hour.

After waking up, he wanted to go to the toilet. When he stood, he felt weak. Tao Huainan shook his head, thinking of washing his face as well. There wouldn’t be many people at the toilet at this time; all the smokers weren’t here, and usually there wasn’t anyone in the toilet during lunch break.

Tao Huainan braced himself against the wall and walked towards the toilet, thinking that if this continued tomorrow, he would take the day off. It was too unpleasant, so he might as well lie down at home. He wouldn’t be able to take in his lessons in this state even if he came.

–

When someone suddenly pulled at his clothes in the washroom, Tao Huainan really didn’t manage to react at all. At this moment, the toilet should’ve been empty, so he wasn’t on his guard.

“Who’s there?” Tao Huainan knocked against the wall, then asked once he’d steadied himself.

The person didn’t speak, only blowing a mouthful of smoke at his face.

Tao Huainan was unwell to begin with; this mouthful of smoke gave rise to a sense of disgust. Tamping down on that escalating disgust, Tao Huainan frowned and said “get lost”.

Perhaps this infuriated that person. Tao Huainan heard a mocking snigger. After this, he felt part of his body become wet—he seemed to have been splashed with water.

At a moment like this, he wouldn’t be able to escape. Tao Huainan understood it very well. What he was meant to do was lean against the wall and stand still, quietly waiting for the prankster to finish having his fun and leave by himself.

But recently, he’d been filled with a deep melancholy; his worry for Chi Ku and the discomfort he had already been feeling today made Tao Huainan’s irritation breach its upper limit, completely unable to be checked.

He berated the person in front of him. “Piece of trash. You don’t even dare to say anything.”

Another splash of water hit his face. When the cloth swiped across his face, Tao Huainan realised that the person was holding a mop, and that the water he had been splashed with probably came from there.

“You can only feel superior to a blind kid. You’re like a maggot that doesn’t even dare to see the light of day.” Spell after spell of dizziness hit Tao Huainan’s head. He pressed the wall behind him with both hands.

A slap landed on his face. The person spat out a very standard three-word curse1. The voice wasn’t one Tao Huainan recognised. He didn’t know this person.

Tao Huainan was hit till his face turned to one side. He was frowning at first, but now he suddenly felt a lot like laughing.

His brother and Chi Ku had taken care of him so well since he was little. They all but put him in their pockets, covering him with layer upon layer of protection. But because of his disability, when they couldn’t protect him, he was a completely defenceless child. He’d just called someone else trash, but in fact, he was the one who was a small piece of trash.

Tao Huainan laughed. He licked his whitening lips and continued to speak. “You’re even more useless than that mop in your hand, dirty and stinky.”

Innately, Tao Huainan wasn’t a very calm person. It was only because he was blind that he was forced to accept many rules for his own survival from a young age. But in his bones, he still carried that Tao family mulishness.

He couldn’t avoid it anyway, so he’d fight as well as he could. This was as far as it could go.

That day, Tao Huainan cussed with great pleasure, using the excuse of cursing at this person to let out all the negative emotions in his heart. With every sentence, he took another blow. It felt like a long time since he’d last been hit. When his parents were still around, Dad would occasionally swat him a bit because he was naughty and disobedient. After they were gone, his brother never hit him. His brother spoiled him frightfully.

Tao Huainan’s head was no longer clear. He was so cold he shivered all over. When his forehead was knocked against the wall and he was dragged into a cubicle, Tao Huainan felt so dirty he could suffocate.

Chi Ku would probably thrust him into the shower and hose him down for two hours.

In his pained and cold state, Tao Huainan thought: it already hurt so much when he was being hit by a teenage boy, so when Chi Ku was thrashed as a small child by his father, a full-grown adult, how… painful it must’ve been.

–

Tao Huainan didn’t have any strength left. Even breathing took quite a bit of energy. It was also possible that this squatting position made it harder to breathe.

The phone was in the pocket of his bag. Other than squatting here and waiting for someone to come, it didn’t seem like Tao Huainan could do anything. He had no energy right now to scream and shout, and he hadn’t been planning to do that anyway.

Being bullied was quite disgraceful, but he still didn’t want to be so pitiful that he lost all dignity.

Time dragged on slowly. Every second felt as taxing as ten minutes.

It sounded as if someone was playing a drum in his ear, so noisy that Tao Huainan’s head ached like it about to burst. Just before he completely lost consciousness, perhaps because he kept thinking about how Chi Ku was beaten as a child, or because he was dreaming a beautiful dream in his dazed state…

He seemed, vaguely… to hear Chi Ku distantly shouting “Tao Huainan”.

–

1 Probably 操你妈 (fuck your mother).