37

The next few days went by per usual – like the days before Deepa committed suicide in the auditorium. Gibbs became more cheerful as Ray started talking to him again. Because KJ was busy with his project, Gibbs automatically started hanging out inRay’s room.

This mending relationship between Gibbs and Ray somehow disturbed KJ. Every time Gibbs invited KJ to go to Ray’s room, KJ started giving excuses. It even seemed like he was asking for a fight. But Gibbs was too lazy to think about it. It’s enough that he got back his two friends in going through senior year.

The problem was that this wasn’t enough to satisfy a creature named KJ – and that evening, KJ went to the auditorium for a discussion with a human named Ray. KJ saw Ray’s figure sitting at the backmost seat during a Drama Club’s training session. He looked calm – but KJ could feel Ray’s heart beating fast when KJ neared him.

KJ sat next to Ray. Ray lit a cigarette. KJ may not know Ray as well as Gibbs, but there’s one habit of Ray that KJ knew: Ray would smoke when stressed.

“Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re trying to do,” KJ’s opening sentence was direct without any coating.

Ray smiled. “What is it that I’m trying to do?”

KJ laughed. Cynically. “You can lie to Gibbs but not me.”

“Who’s lying to who right now?”

“Go die, Ray.”

“Yes. It’s true that I want to die.”

KJ was silent. Damn. If I fight using words with Ray, I’d definitely get owned! This guy’s an artist!

“You’re already settled with your life, right? Why are you bothering our lives?” asked KJ.

“Am I really the one bothering people?”

KJ snorted. It’s really hateful when Ray tossed back questions like this.

Ray glance at KJ. Not staring. Simply a glance. His lips were trembling, holding onto the cigarette. The fingers that removed the cigarette from the lips were also trembling. Ray puffed out smoke.

“Are you happy like this?” asked Ray.

“Why am I not?”

“Gibbs? You think he’s happy?”

“He would be if you didn’t interfere.”

“Really? Because I feel that Gibbs started feeling happy after I started talking back to him.”

“Yeah, you’re the precious sweetheart of his,” quipped KJ.

“That’s not what I mean…”

“Do you think that if Gibbs knew the truth, he wouldn’t be mad at you?” the question from KJ sent an arrow right through Ray’s heart.

“Maybe he will be mad. But there wasn’t a day where I’m not mad at myself because of that thing. That’s why I’ll accept it if Gibbs is mad.”

“Don’t act like you’re a victim of the situation…”

“You don’t feel what I feel.”

“You want to say that you’re suffering more? Do you want to change places with me?”

Ray sighed. “I want to change places with Troll. I feel that he’s the calmest one out of us all.”

“Ah! That Troll, what would he know? He’s slow-witted. Never thinking much.”

“Then, by choosing this path… you’re saying you’ve thought this through?”

“I know what I want!”

“This is what you want? Until when KJ?”

“Until the end!”

This time Ray started at KJ – wanting to make sure of the truth in his words. Ray didn’t find what he wanted, but he didn’t deny the probability of KJ meaning what he said.

“Choosing to live this way is your problem, but you have no right to decide it for Gibbs. He deserves to know the truth and make his own decision,” Ray gave his verdict.

KJ changed places. He stood directly in front of Ray.

“Ray… what did you feel when talking with Gibbs again?”

“That’s besides the point…”

“Answer me, Ray! What did you feel when talking with Gibbs again?”

Ray was silent.

“You feel happy, right? The loneliness you had all this while disappeared. Right?”

“KJ…”

“That’s what I feel. And I don’t want to lose it.”

Ray threw away the cigarette butt to the floor and stomped on it. He looked at KJ – a friend that was sometimes annoying but was still a friend that he had gone through thick and thin with.

If Ray wanted to, he could choose to ignore this matter altogether. He could go on with his life and pretended that this didn’t have anything to do with him. But Ray didn’t think he could sleep at night knowing he could change this situation but chose to instead ignore it.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Once, Ray chose to avert his sight when his friends shredded the dignity of a girl – which led to a tragedy in CGTSS. And Ray was determined that he would never make the same mistake again.

“Gibbs has the right to know the truth,” Ray insisted KJ.

KJ sighed. “Don’t force me to do the things I don’t want to do to you, Ray. I still regard you as a friend.”

“You do what you gotta do. I do what I gotta do.”

“You will lose, Ray. I can do things that you would never imagine I can do.”

Ray threw his crooked smile to KJ. “Nothing can beat the pain that I feel right now, KJ. So yeah, bring it on.”

And Ray exited the auditorium before the training ended that evening.