God Bless Your Ruin

Kyle had never been attracted to women. 

As a boy, he never had the opportunity to meet other girls because of his illness, and until recently he was not impressed by any of the women who approached him.

At first, he did not place the veil between those girls and himself. 

But after the girls admired and became curious about his appearance, he had a curtain put up between the bed and the sofa. 

Although back then, he was not as opaque as he is now. On the other side only his blurred silhouette was visible, but on the bed where he was sitting, he could barely see the face of the one who visited him.

There was no denying that each of them had a beautiful and attractive appearance.

He, too, had a good eye for tastes. 

But to him, the girls' beauty was no different from the bees buzzing outside the windowsill, or the birds pecking at the tree trunks and the frogs croaking from the stream in the woods in summer. 

He just wanted to die. 

The days when he had a severe headache that made him want to break his head and a neuralgia that went all the way to his bones were normal for him. When he had convulsions that he couldn't even remember, he just wanted to bite his tongue and die.

Perhaps, God was angry when he was born.

Or did he come into this world to live in this pain?

Even if he lives, or if he dies, what could be better than death?

So when the seventh remedy appeared, he had no expectations. As with the other girls, he believed that it would make her uncomfortable when he showed excessive favor, or that she would tremble with fear and be thrown out. 

Therefore, he had even ordered Mrs. Dunst to change it to an opaque veil altogether, thereafter.

But, Angela Lizdel. The girl named Angie, was different. 

Although her voice was thin and high pitched, it was very audible and clear. She had a beautiful voice with a unique uniqueness, with a tone as soft as silk and delicate as velvet.

Whenever she told him a story or read him a book, his eyes would naturally close at her sweet and deep voice. Even when she spoke softly, as if whispering, his ears heard her clearly.

It was the first time he wanted to see the girl's face.

When the veil was placed between them, they could not see each other's faces properly. So, on his side, he cleverly adjusted the angle of the side window and the mirror so that he could see her face clearly.

That way, on her next visit, he was able to catch a glimpse of Angie Lizdel's face. As a result, the joy and admiration he felt were fleeting, but his regret and despair deepened.

The girl was more beautiful than he had imagined. 

Her emerald eyes sparkled all the time, and her golden hair shone as if she were in the morning sun. The features of her face were elegant, very white and transparent.

She was beauty itself, to the point where he mistook her for a finely crafted wax doll. Kyle was mesmerized several times and stared at the mirror.

But if she had been nothing more than a beautiful painting, he would have ended up with feeling only admiration. He wouldn't have been sorry that he adjusted the mirror, only to now be in despair because he couldn't reach out and touch her face.

If she had only been a beauty, he would not have been assailed by the desire to get closer to the girl. 

If he had, he would not have been so deeply fascinated by her, with his whole body filled with warmth, his heart burning, and the warmth that had spread to his lower body.

 Sometimes his heart pounded so hard he could hardly breathe.

If only he could get close to that girl and see her right in front of his eyes. 

If only he could listen closely to her sweet voice as if it were melting and feel the texture of her cheeks and her lips that look as soft as the finest silk. 

And beneath her fine, smooth as a swan's neck, and the chest curved through lace.....

His earlobes turned red all at once.

At the same time, he felt a tingling and intense pain between his legs. 

The sharp pain soon turned into searing warmth. 

Kyle looked away from the mirror and silently peered over the veil where only a blurred silhouette was visible.

Angie knew nothing and was only concentrating on reading aloud 'the old servant's house'.

 At that moment, Kyle spoke, as she turned the pages to turn to the next chapter.

— That's enough.

His voice sounded callous and cold, unlike how he felt. But Angie didn't seem to mind that cold tone. She put the book down and asked in a soft low voice.

— So, should I read anything else to you? Well, the ones I brought today...

— Don't read the books, tell me what you remember from the stories.

He didn't like that she was staring at the book. 

He wanted her to look at him. 

Even though she's only looking at his blurry silhouette beyond the veil, at least it's true that she's focusing on him and not what's written on the paper.

— Um... I read a new story in the library yesterday. Young master, do you know the story of 'Sibyl of Cumae'?

— No.

— It's the story of one of the prophetic priestesses named Sibyl, in Greece. It's an anecdote from the 'Metamorphoses' by the ancient roman poet, Ovid...

The green curtain in front of the slightly open window billowed in the soft breeze. 

Angie rested a hand on the armrest and leaned her upper body to contemplate his silhouette, which was beyond the veil.

— The god Apollo fell in love with Sibyl, a beautiful prophetess. And one day he told her that he would grant her a wish, so he told her to ask for anything. So Sibyl grabbed a handful of sand and asked for as many years as she had grains of sand. Sibyl replied that her wish was to have eternal life. Apollo granted her wish and gave her a thousand years of life. But thanks to that, Sibyl lived for more than a thousand years without dying and gradually disappeared in a terrible way.

— I suppose so. If one could grow old without dying for a thousand years, it would be a curse, not a blessing.

— That's right! Then, too, Sibyl was trapped in a glass bottle and became a mockery to people, regretting the mistake she made. She should have asked for eternal youth, not immortality...

Angie took a sip from the teacup.

— I read that story and it made me think about a lot of things. Everyone wants to live a long life, but I wonder if eternal life itself is a good thing. In books, vampires and other creatures always want to become human and dream of a finite life.

Clack

 The sound of the glass sinking into the pedestal echoed vividly.

— What if the god Apollo came to me and gave me eternal youth and immortality? Then, I tried to imagine what I would do. At first, I thought, of course, I would be delighted and accept it without hesitation. Because, of course I would not want to die. I would be sad if my loved ones and family left me, I would still have a strong attachment to that life, no matter how long I lived.

— But...?

— But I don't think I'll ever accept it in the end.

Angie spoke cheerfully.

— Because all things are finite, that are beautiful and meaningful. Nature doesn't last forever. It wears out and changes with the passage of time, and no matter how beautiful a flower blooms, when its life is over, it withers and a new flower springs up again.... I think that is its providence.

— After all, immortality is meaningless, is that what you mean?

— Yes. Of course, there are people who want to seek eternal life. Oh, the tea ran out. I'll go downstairs and fill it up again.

Angie stood up, holding the empty teapot. 

Kyle nodded over the veil. 

If it were any other time, he would have pulled the string to call a maid, but he didn't. 

Even after the door closed, he stared at the side where Angie's silhouette had disappeared.

His chest was twisting and moving, somewhere.

He felt like crying. 

When he hears what she thinks and believes about others, and even through her mouth, it aroused in him an indescribable emotion.

 It was a sad and poignant feeling, and he felt like his heart seemed to have stopped somewhere.

Angie, too, was... Special. She was similar to him.

He felt as if his heart, which had been one long ago, had split in half and then rejoined.

He waited for her until she returned with the teapot. 

He wiped his wet eyes and caught his breath. But, as usual, the heat did not subside as easily as usual. 

He was just suppressing his desire to touch her, kiss her, hold her and go further.

Then, as Angie ran out of time and was leaving the mansion, his heart ached with regret but a sense of relief washed over him.

For at last he could be free of that terrible burning warmth and desire.

From time to time, Kyle couldn't stand it and would hide behind the curtains by the window, watching her until she got into the carriage. He couldn't stand it if didn't. 

He felt like he was going crazy.