Yu Guniang（2）

At this moment, she cried out. I didn't know how to comfort her so I just asked, "What happened then?”

“Later on, he was recommended to study abroad without examination for his good grades, and I continued to work to save money. He said he would come back to pick me up after graduation when he got his green card and we would get married. So yeah, for all these years, I'm not single. I have a boyfriend.”

I did not reply. From her eyes, I knew things were not that simple. Obviously, the man dumped her.

I asked, “He dumped you, didn't he?”

She didn't say anything, she just nodded in silence. Then she continued, “He didn't dump me. Maybe he was just busy with his studies, so he had no time to write to me. Here, look” She got up to get a box of letters and said affectionately, "This letter was written to me when he got an A＋ in English; this was written to me when they celebrated the birthday of his roommate; and this one was written to me when he was ill and he told me he missed me.” She remembered the contents of every letter. I guessed that she should have read them many times. She got so emotional as she was talking that she wailed holding the box of letters in the end. I stood beside her, without any words or comforts.

Half an hour later, sitting on the floor, she looked up at me and asked:

“Do you think that means he dumped me? Will he come back?”

I said, “I don't know. If he loved you, he wouldn't have left you alone here.”

“But he said he would marry me. I have chosen my wedding dress.”

“There are matters I know I’m in no position to ask or comment. But when was the last time he contacted you?”

“A year ago.” She said blankly. My heart ached seeing that.

I squatted down, patted her on the head, and told her that if she really couldn't let it go, she should go find him. She nodded and said she would. Then she got up and slowly said, “I'm sorry.” I knew what this apology meant. And I saw that no one could replace the man in her heart, even if the man treated her poorly. But as for her, that man was where all her faith went. Love is wonderful, yet love is heartbreaking.

After a week, she told me she was going to go abroad to find him. I knew she would do that, and she just needed one person to encourage her. I happened to be that person. I wished her a safe flight and a smooth trip. I was in a meeting, so I texted her instead of calling, “I hope this is the last time you stoop yourself for love.” While she replied, “I am not stooping as long as I love him.” I was speechless.

Su Yu had been away for more than ten days. For me, though I often missed her, life went on as usual, except that I had one less place for dinner. One night after 12:00, the phone rang and it was Su Yu.

“I can't find the way home. I can't find the way home...”

“Is that Su Yu? Take it easy, and tell me where you are now. I'll pick you up.”

“I am at the airport, but I couldn't find the way home.”

I quickly put on my clothes, rushed downstairs with keys. Then I took a taxi to the airport. When I arrived there, she stood at the gate alone just like the way when we met for the first time that night, and my heart could not help but ache. I went over and held her in my arms, telling her that she was home. She kept crying and said that she couldn't find home. I said I could and I would take her home.

On the way home, she fell asleep on my shoulder, she looked thinner than before. It’s needless to say that the situation must be bad. When she got home, she just sat there blankly, no talking or helping herself to hydration. I couldn't say more, I just boiled some water, cut some fruits and quietly left. When I went out, I put a note in the middle of the door by intention to keep it unlocked. Hearing something from her room later that night, I got up to check on her and only to find that Su Yu had fallen on the ground.

When I picked her up, I noticed the empty sleeping tablets bottle on the ground. She must have taken things too hard. After taking her to the hospital, the gastric lavage was performed, which made Su Yu who had been haggard weaker than before. I called my boss and asked for a day off to take care of her. By noon of the next day, she woke up, still silent and crying. I said, “What's the matter? Tell me what's going on.” She looked at me and finally said:

“He got married, married his classmate, only for the green card he said, and he asked me to wait for him.”

I hoped this was the last time you stooped yourself for love.

Although I had encountered playboys before, scum like him raised the bar. I was pissed off. She continued:

“Do you think whether I should wait for him or not?”

I felt helpless and sad instead of angry. I didn't expect that she would be so one-track minded. It baffled me what trick the scum had played to deceive her so thoroughly.

“Silly girl, he was lying to you. How could you still trust him?”

"Yes, he lied to me. I knew it. But why did he ask me wait for him? Didn’t he know that I would do as he asked me to?”

“Then why not forget him as soon as possible?”

“I just thought we'd be together. I’ve always thought we'd be together...”

“Not everything will happen as you wish. If he doesn't love you, he just doesn’t love you. Move on!”

“Well, I shall move on. I have known better from this experience.”

Su Yu was hospitalized for almost a month. I was preparing her chicken soup when she got back home. She leaned at the door and watched me getting busy in the kitchen, and talked to me with a gloomy face,

“You are such a good man. If possible, I wish you were my boyfriend.”

“But I am not him after all. He is irreplaceable in your mind, even if he doesn’t love you.”

“I don't know how to express my gratitude.”

“You don’t need to do that. Like you love him, you don't need his gratitude. And I know, what between us was a solid fellowship rather than a budding romantic relationship..”

“But I want to tell you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“In these days, you have been in my heart.”

“Well, that's good enough. Let’s try the soup.”

Su Yu moved away at the end of 2011 without notifying me. She moved away while I was at work. When I went home, I found a letter written by Su Yu. She said she was gone. After leaving Beijing, she intended to travel around. The box of letters was left to me, which she had no intention to take with her. The letter was brief and straightforward, ending with the words that “there will be someone loving you as much as you love me”. She kept the door unlocked, and I came in. The room was clean, with that large box lying in the middle. I was going to throw it away when a letter fell off it. Then driven by curiosity, I sat on the floor and read all the letters. It was 02:30 a.m. when I finished them.

It turned out that her boyfriend died of illness when he was in college in Beijing. All the letters were written by herself, pretending her boyfriend was still alive, on the life track of graduating, going abroad, getting married and breaking up with her. It seemed to be a self-directed story by herself like a mental patient. Only I knew that she had never accepted the fact that her boyfriend died years ago. In the day, she appeared as a glamorous girl; at night, she would repeat the cycle of writing a letter, posting it to herself, opening it, and the cycle went on. She wanted to portray her boyfriend as an unfaithful partner, and she already believed that her boyfriend had abandoned her subconsciously. Gradually, she managed to deceive herself and others, including me. Going to America was an excuse. Actually, she visited the boy’s parents back in his hometown. She wanted a closure for herself. For so many years, she wanted to accept the fact and move on. But when she finally met his parents and accepted the fact, she suddenly lost all the expectations and motivations in Beijing. So she cried and called me that she couldn’t find the way home.

In fact, in her mind, she didn’t accept the death of her boyfriend until she was at the airport that night.

Su Yu loved her boyfriend so deeply that she lost herself. But it also proved that her love was true. For the boy, at least, he could be relieved and it was high time that Su Yu should start a new life.

At the end of 2014, Su Yu called me and said she had run a bar in Lijiang, inviting me to go there on holiday. From the voice in the phone, I was sure that she had move on, at least she was not the Guniang Yu that I used to know. People always say that true love is getting rare. In fact, it’s just people who believe in love are getting rare. As stated in the beginning, I am a person who does not believe in love, Fortunately, it’s Guniang Yu who rekindled my hope on love, and she would always be my love.

I smoked a cigarette on the balcony and posted a moment on my Wechat:

“You’ve suffered enough for these years, Yu Guniang.”

Later on, Su Yu replied:

"It's barely suffering. At least, I was in love for so many extra years.”