Hello, Mr Li: The Christmas Trip

"How do you feel today Ms Li Heya?" The older woman asked her in pure English when they spoke on video that weekend. 

"I... think I'm good." She said, smiling politely at the woman. Maybe because the woman was from a different country entirely that made her feel very comfortable and since they were doing this virtually, it made things easy for her. 

"You think?" The woman asked. "Why do you 'think' you are good?" 

"I.. don't know. I'm just nervous."

"And why is that so?" 

"Well... I... have a date today." She answered with a sheepish smile. "It's just making me feel rather nervous." 

The woman smiled warmly at her. "I understand. It is normal to be nervous. But it is not normal when the anxiety you feel—"

"I know Mrs. Cameron. I don't look down on myself or anything. I just... you know... it all feels so... new. Soooo nice. I really really love him. I just... want everything to be perfect." She bit her lower lip nervously.

"And you believe he loves you too?" The woman asked her. 

It took Heya few seconds before she nodded. "I believe he loves me too."

They spoke for a while and when they were done and said their goodbyes, she paced around her living room for a while before she went to the small room which served as her studio.

She sat down on the seat and took in several deep breaths before she opened her laptop and opted in for a live video. 

When she realised it had connected, she knew there was no going back. 

She could see the views increasing gradually and started to have a sweaty palm but she didn't run away from this.

"Hi!" She said with an awkward grin. "I'm sure a lot of you are surprised to see me like this." She looked down at herself, "I mean, it's probably weird to see me still wearing my pajamas with my messy hair all splayed out for the world to see. Haha!" She gave another awkward laugh before she continued. 

"I... wanted to say something. And... I really wanted to apologize to the world." She said, remembering all the times she was on camera, smiling broadly and motivating people to love themselves while talking about how she was able to overcome all her insecurities. 

"I lied." She confessed. 

"I was not as strong as I claimed to be." She smiled sadly and used a finger to brush the first tear that escaped her eyes. "It was crazy getting email and feedbacks from people telling me about how I was able to help them get over their insecurities, calling me their role model. It was really crazy because I couldn't get over mine and it seemed like everyone else was moving forward... except for me. I was so so lost in the dark. It was... scary." Her voice broke and more tears left her eyes. 

"When I was 20, I thought I already had it all figured out. I learnt to love myself and I thought simply accepting myself then was going to make me be happy forever." She shook her head. "But life isn't all smooth and pretty. I lost myself. Again. I fell back really hardly and continued to wallow in self pity and inferiority complex." She sniffed.

"People think when you are rich, you have it all and when they hear of a rich person depressed or suicidal, some people think they do not have the right to feel that way when they are rich." She forced out a laugh. "It isn't easy for anyone. It wasn't easy for me either." 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she continued. "I don't want to be that woman anymore. The woman who lost herself, who lost the man she loved dearly, who made her family worried. I don't want to live that messed up life anymore."

"I always smile and act like it's all okay. And then I see comments on my social media and even in real life, people tell me I am fat and should cut down weight and I am just wondering what the hell is wrong with people! I don't walk up to skinny people and tell them to go gain weight. I don't meet short people and tell them to go get tall, neither do I tell tall people to go get short. Yes, I am on the big side, but I am healthy. I eat well, sleep well and none of it is a threat to my health so why can't people mind their business? Why do I have to make you happy just to gain your approval? Does it really make you feel better talking bad about me since you also feel bad about yourself?"

She stopped to catch her breath and continued, 

"I have been thinking about all this and I have decided to let things flow naturally. I have just one life to live. Why should I spend it worrying too much especially about people that do not matter to me? I just want to be happy. I want to believe that it's perfectly okay for me to make mistakes. If I do not make mistakes, how do I learn? I want to always remind myself that it is normal to regret some actions and decisions but I have to own up to it. Take responsibility for it. That's what comes with being an adult. I am going to be happy from now on. I am going to love the man I want to love and date the man I want to date and eat what I want to eat."

"I am going to dress the way I want and go to the places I want. And if anyone tries to make me feel bad by talking down on me or telling me to go gain weight or something, then you probably should find yourself a really good lawyer because I won't let you off." 

She sniffled loudly and used her two hands to clean the tears off her face. 

"That's... all!" She didn't bother to look at the comment section. When she was done, she shut her laptop and sat there, panting. 

She had done it. She did it! Her heart was beating so fast that it took her a while to catch her breath. 

She heard her doorbell ring and went to check who it was. When she opened the door, she saw Zhu Liang standing there with a tablet in his hand. He waved the screen in front of her so she could see what he had been watching. 

"That.... was damn sexy!" He said with a broad smile. 

Slowly, a big smile formed on Heya's face and she hugged him.