His Only Sin

In the dark recess of my mind, I hid. Here in the corner of my heart, I stayed. This was a place where I kept all that were dear to me forever, watching them eternally with my eyes and chest, bursting with an ineffable feeling of warmth when I knew that the rest of the world was as cold as ice.

I fear waking up, for reality would only remind me of that time when I lost everything I held dear. My husband, my life.

I could still remember Adam taking the wheel of the car from me to turn the vehicle to his side so I could be spared. But what was the use of living when the person who I vowed to live for was already gone – taken by fate just as when we had found love?

Looking down at my hands, I found myself shaking in trepidation. No, I did not want to remember. That was the reason for me retreating to this special place, my own haven where I could be with them each and every day – to be with my husband every waking moment of my life.

A sound at the far side of the room startled me and my eyes widened in fear. I dreaded every single thing that would snatch me from my slumber and lose this wonderful dream. With alarm, I held out my hand and felt a huge warm one took it, gripping it to give me assurance and I calmed down.

"It's okay baby, it's just a message. I'm not going anywhere," my husband in the dream whispered to me and I relaxed, loosening my hold on his hand.

If the real Adam were alive, would he be like this? Taking care of me like this? I knew he would be. For all his arrogance, stubbornness, and faults, I knew deep in my heart that Adam loved me truly.

"Baby, Jane is here," my dream husband said and I stared at him, drinking in the sight of him.

He looked gentler than I last remembered him. But of course, this was my dream and so I probably made him like this. A few minutes more and I saw him carrying a young boy who must be James, followed by my sister who stood next to my husband.

I watched as James kiss my husband's cheek and then Adam held him close to me so the boy could kiss my cheek too. It was warm, almost real.

"Daddy, Ash too," I heard another boy said and when I looked, I saw my baby.

Ashton…

Seeing my own child hurt my chest. I knew that somewhere in reality, my baby must be feeling lonely, losing his father and then me, his mother who had chosen to be trapped in this endless dream. I knew that I was selfish but I just couldn't leave this fantasy yet.

Not yet.

With emotions running rampant, I watched as my husband lifted our son – watched as Ash kissed his father's nose and watched as Adam placed a kiss on Ash's forehead.

Oh God, I missed my baby boy…

Ashton turned to me with his pair of almond eyes so much like his father's and I tried to give him back a smile, forcing my lips to move, yet careful not to do so much in fear this world would crumble and I would be forced to wake up.

"Baby, Ash wants to go to you. Is it okay?" My husband's voice was soft and gentle as he asked but he really didn't need to.

Our son had leaned forward, his small arms reaching for me and I raised my hand to touch him, my fingers holding onto to my baby's soft ones and I almost wept when Adam placed him on my lap.

"Mommy, get well soon. I miss you," Ashton said as he placed his arms around my neck and I tentatively did the same.

I didn't know how long we stayed that way. All I knew was the searing guilt which branded my soul. Should I continue living like this? It was a hard decision. As of this moment, I couldn't choose between my husband and my son. I was greedy. I wanted them both.

Ashton continued to talk but I couldn't understand most of what he told me. I just watched in fascination how beautiful he was.

My baby – mine and Adam's baby.

As he spoke in his baby voice, my eyes never left my son. I basked in his warmth as I held him in my arms, smelled his baby scent that I missed so much and felt his soft skin under my fingertips. Doing this made me feel more wretched deep inside until I started to cry.

"Yesha!" Adam called out as he immediately took Ashton from my lap and handed him to Jane who watched us with worried eyes.

Under his kind scrutiny, I felt more desolate with my despicable cowardice and I wept some more. "Baby, shhhhh," he whispered against my ear and I wrapped my arms around him.

Oh God, I missed Adam. I would always miss him.

As he held my face in between his hands, murmuring endless words of reassurance with our stricken son looking at us a few feet away, I knew I had to let go of my husband soon. My son, our son needed me, and I was sure, Adam, if he lived wouldn't approve of this current me, the pathetic wife who couldn't face reality.

=======

I opened my eyes and saw nothing but white. I sat alone on the bed, looking at infinity, lost and scared. This was my reality.

Nothing. I had lost everything: my husband, our new child, perhaps even my sanity. Ashton who was my only salvation must be with Jane now.

"Ash…" I whispered when an image of my smiling husband flashed in my mind and a wave of nauseating longing assailed me.

Footsteps echoed not far away and I heard voices.

"Have you heard it?"

"Heard what?"

"The couple who were brought in here the other day – the one whose wife miscarried, Adam and Yesha Kingsley."

"Oh? Yes, why?"

"I feel pity for the wife. They lost their baby and now she's losing her husband too."

"What? What happened?"

"He flat-lined thrice already. Severe trauma. All the doctors are there now trying to revive him but I think he's dead."

Their words like arrows and daggers pierced my heart and shattered my soul. I remembered them clearly. They played endlessly in my head like a broken record, haunting me, taunting me, feeding my pain. I recalled how I demanded for them to let me see Adam but they couldn't let me.

Of course they couldn't. He was no longer there.

A broken sob escaped me and I held out my hand trying to reach out for nothing. In my mind I pictured my husband and I begged him not to go.

"Don't leave…don't go…don't leave me…I love you…I love you…" I groveled though I knew he was beyond my reach and I slipped back into my dream once more.

Adam was sleeping beside me, holding me tight and I felt my trembling stopped as I listened to him murmur against my ear.

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"I won't. I won't go anywhere…" he promised me softly and I found myself being lulled into this false haven again.

"Hold me, hold me Adam…" I begged and I wept as I lost myself into my husband's embrace, accepted his kisses and burned with his fire as I let him take my body.

Even in dreams our love making was vivid, our feelings alive. Even if this was just my imagination, even if I knew I was only fooling myself, I didn't care. I was with Adam.