Hoshi wo Taguru

It was graduation day.

Subaru went to collect his indoor shoes from the front entrance when he saw a small, methodically folded note in his shoe box. He opened the note to find a note written in slightly shaky handwriting.

If you have no plans after graduation, it would make me happy if you could come to the courtyard of the old school building.

Subaru knew immediately who would call him out in such a polite way.

More so than the handwriting, the way that the note was folded, and the wording was a dead giveaway. It was a coward’s invitation.

Subaru found it strange that not going wasn’t something he was going to do.

He knew that it was going to be a man waiting for him at the designated spot, and he had a feeling he knew what words were going to be said there. Despite that, Subaru headed straight there without any hesitation. Subaru wasn’t even thinking about how awkward it might be because Subaru had been avoiding him lately.

The new school building had been built more than ten years prior, so the old school building hadn’t been used for a while. In recent years, there were even talks about demolishing the building so students almost never approached it.

Subatu was weaving through the groups of students saying their goodbyes to each other. Here and there, he heard voices wondering where Tokizawa went. Today was the last day so there were sure to be a lot of girls who wanted to confess their feelings to him. Subaru was sure that he was the only person who knew where Tokizawa was.

As he approached the old school building, the crowd became more and more sparse. By the time he arrived at the courtyard, there was absolutely no one around. Subaru spotted a figure on the corner of the sparsely grassed courtyard and he slowed down.

“Tokizawa.” Subaru called out.

Tokizawa was looking down and pretending he wasn’t there, tensed his shoulders in surprise. It had been a long time since Subaru directly faced Tokizawa like this.

“Were you the one who wrote this?” Subaru asked as he showed Tokizawa the note.

“…That is correct…” Tokizawa replied in a hoarse voice.

“Why are you speaking so politely?”

Subaru approached Tokizawa with a smile. Subaru stood opposite and looked intently up at Tokizawa. Even though Tokizawa was a lot taller, it didn’t really feel like there was much height difference between them. Most likely because Tokizawa was always hunched over.

What a waste, thought Subaru.

“You called me here because you wanted to talk to me about something, right?” Subaru asked.

Tokizawa’s eyes began swimming from the direct question. Tokizawa began to fiddle with his diploma tube as Subaru waited for his reply.

Graduation day, a place where it’s just the two of them and no one else is around. Subaru didn’t need to ask what Tokizawa was going to say because it was quite obvious.

Subaru knew about Tokizawa’s feelings for quite a while but he never thought that Tokizawa would actually say it. He always had this vague feeling that Tokizawa would never confess. But Tokizawa hadn’t actually said anything yet so it could very well be something completely different.

“…Tokizawa, I don’t really have that much time. Just so you know, our class, including you, are going to get together after this.”

“Ah, I’m not going so…” Tokizawa replied.

“Why not?” Subaru asked.

“I don’t really want to go…sorry, I’ll let them know.”

Tokizawa seemed to have made up his mind at Subaru’s urging. Tokizawa bit his lip tightly and looked directly at Subaru.

“Subaru, I’ve always liked you.” Tokizawa confessed.

Tokizawa’s shining eyes stared fixedly at Subaru, his voice, shakey just moments before, now rang out clearly. Subaru wondered how many times he had practiced this. Even though they had been in the same class for the last three years, Subaru had never heard Tokizawa speak so clearly. Not even in their whole first year when Subaru sat in front of him and often spoke to him.

“It’s okay if you think it’s gross. I just had to tell you so that’s why I called you here. Sorry for saying something weird. Thank you for coming here. Oh… and thanks to you, I had a really good time these past three years. Thank you very much, seriously––– I wish you the best in Tokyo.” Tokizawa said, bowing deeply.

Subaru could no longer see Tokizawa’s eyes. He gripped the diploma tightly, only seeing the hair whorls on the back of Tokizawa’s head. Then Subaru took one step back. Tokizawa heard the sound of the sand crunching and his shoulders shook ever so slightly.

Tokizawa probably thought Subaru was going to run away, but that wasn’t the case.

“Thank you.” Subaru replied quietly, bowing just as deeply. He didn’t want to lose to Tokizawa’s elegant bow. Subaru wondered if they’re heads might knock into each other bowing like this.

“Thank you very much for liking me. However, I’m currently dating something right now so I’m sorry.” Subaru lifted his face as he said that.

Subaru put his hand on Tokizawa’s shoulder.

“Look up, please.” Subaru said quietly.

Tokizawa timidly lifted his face. On the ground where Tokziawa was facing down were little wet spots. There were tears welled up in Tokizawa’s eyes. His eyes were sparkling more than usual.

“I also had a good time these past three years, thanks. You’re a little bit weird but you’re a really good guy. Let’s both give it our all at university.”

Tokizawa nodded his head vigorously, but then once again looked down, shoulders trembling.

Subaru wordlessly untied his necktie from his collar and handed it Tokizawa.

Tokizawa raised his gaze slightly and stared at the necktie as if he was seeing something unbelievable.

“…Is it okay to give this to me?” Tokizawa said, lips quivering slightly.

“Yeah.” Subaru replied.

“…Thank you.” Tokizawa took the necktie with both hands and once again bowed deeply. When he raised his face again, his expression was replaced with a childlike, carefree smile.

“Goodbye Subaru.” Tokizawa said and quickly turned on his heel and ran away with his long legs.

Subaru watched as Tokizawa steadily retreated into the distance and then let out a long sigh.

Just as he was about to leave, he noticed someone’s diploma. He picked up and looked inside and it was Tokizawa’s. It was propped up against a wall, forgotten.

Subaru decided that the next time he saw Tokizawa, he would give it back to him. He wondered what Tokizawa would feel during that time. Carrying both diploma tubes in hand, Subaru headed for the restaurant where his classmates were at.

* * *

Subaru couldn’t sleep a wink that night, but before he knew it, it was morning already. 

Subaru vaguely thought about the nostalgic dream he had. He remembered the smile on Tokizawa’s face. He felt like he had seen it recently.

It took Subaru a while to remember where he had seen it in his half asleep state.

It was on the first day that Subaru came to this place. When Tokizawa thanked him for finding the bar. Tokizawa’s whole face broke into a smile at that time.

That must be the expression Tokizawa makes when he’s at his happiest.

Relieved at remembering it, Subaru got out of bed and checked to see if Tokizawa had returned home and then began lunch preparations. Subaru had plans to go out today, so he decided to make curry since it was something that they could eat for dinner as well.

As Subaru chopped the onions, he thought about what happened after the graduation ceremony.

Subaru’s girlfriend asked him about what happened to his necktie and he didn’t answer her. After that, their relationship became tense and they broke up shortly after entering university.

Subaru wondered if the necktie had also been lost to the fire.

Subaru stirred the curry when he heard his phone ring. He turned off the heat and answered the phone. Subaru didn’t check to see who was calling so when he heard that voice, he gasped.

[Hello, Tsukishima?]

‘…Sudou.’

[I’m so glad you picked up. Are you free to talk now?]

“Yea I guess. Did something happen?” Subaru tried his best to hide the turmoil he was feeling and spoke with a cool composure. 

Somehow it felt like he was talking to an acquaintance from a long time ago.

But just the other day, they were coworkers from the same company.

After a long conversation, Subaru finally hung up, and he let out a huge sigh. He felt exhausted. As he looked up, Subaru saw Tokizawa peeking out from behind the partition.

“What are you doing?” Subaru laughed as he called out to him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to listen to your conversation.” Tokizawa said, looking embarrassed.

“It’s fine. It wasn’t really an important conversation. I’m making curry, it’ll be ready in about ten minutes.”

“I love curry.” Tokizawa said happily.

“Great! I made loads.” Subaru said.

Subaru continued heating up the curry and just as the curry was almost done, he realized that he forgot to make some rice.

“If I start making rice now, it’ll take about an hour until it’s done. I wonder if the bakery nearby sells naan.”

“I don’t think so. But I have something that works just as well.” Tokizawa proudly said as he took out some ready made rice from the bottom cupboard.

“Woah.”

Thanks to that, they were both able to eat their curry and rice with no further delays. After commenting how rice tastes better freshly made, they both finished eating.

“Ah, I’m going out today so at night you can pop it in the microwave and have some. I’ll make some rice too.” Subaru said.

“Got it. It was delicious, thanks.” Tokizawa replied.

“No problem… Hey, can I tell you something?” Subaru said, suddenly changing his mind.

Tokizawa seemed to take a defensive stance but immediately nodded his head.

Relieved, Subaru took the dishes and placed them in the sink and filled it with water and went right back.

“So actually, the person I was talking to on the phone earlier was a former coworker.” Subaru confessed.

“I kind of had a feeling that’s who it was. What did he want to talk about?” Tokizawa asked.

“Hmm.. well it’s not anything bad you see. You know how I said that I got fired? Well actually I was being used as a scapegoat in place of my boss. So it had come to light that he was the one at fault so they fired him, and I was told that I could return back to work… so he said I should hurry back and return to work.” Subaru said.

“What? Are you serious? Did you know about that? That your boss was the one at fault?” Tokizawa furrowed his brow with a thoroughly displeased expression. He spoke in a low voice and attempted to hide the anger on his face.

“You don’t have to get angry,” Subaru quickly waved his hands, “I knew about it. But I don’t really care about it anymore, so I turned it down. It’s fine, I wasn’t attached to my workplace and I don’t have a place to live down there anyways.” 

Subaru was surprised by how unmoved he felt hearing those words from his former coworker. He didn’t even have to think about it before giving his answer. As a result, his former coworker sounded intensely disappointed. 

“So have you decided what to do from now?” Tokizawa asked.

“It’s not like I’ve made a choice about anything but I think I’m done with Tokyo. I guess I’ll go back to my hometown and look for jobs there.”

“I see…” Tokizawa replied quietly.

“I don’t actually know though. What happened to the place you used to live in?” Subaru changed the topic.

“We sold it. My mom doesn’t live in Japan anymore…and to me, that place doesn’t feel like home anyways. Honestly, I don’t really have any good memories there and I don’t want to go back. So I guess I don’t really have a place that I can call home. Sounds kind of lonely, I guess.” Tokizawa laughed. However, his tone of voice didn’t sound lonely. In fact, Subaru was the one who felt lonely.

If you don’t have a place to go home to then I’ll be the place you can return to, Subaru caught himself thinking. He was so surprised over the sudden thought that he quickly stood up and headed to the kitchen. Subaru forcefully washed the dishes that he left in the sink. Then he quickly got dressed and headed out.

Tokizawa, perplexed about Subaru’s behavior, tried to question him several times about it but Subaru haphazardly answered before leaving.

I’ll be the place you can return to, I must be crazy. Subaru felt agitated over his thoughts.

Originally, Subaru wanted to figure out where to go before leaving, but in his agitated state, he ended up leaving with no particular purpose. Before he knew it, Subaru realized he was heading in the direction of Tokizawa’s bar. There was no point in going at this time but Subaru still exited from the subway and began to walk aimlessly.

Subaru looked up and saw that he had arrived at the liquor shop he went to the other day.

Subaru didn’t have anything in particular to do anyways, so he thought about buying some of the rare liquors he had seen in the shop. Just as he opened the door, he came into contact with a familiar face.

“Oh?”
Subaru’s eyes widened in surprise, but the other person was equally as surprised and blinked rapidly several times.

“Subaru-Kun, are you shopping today?”

It was Natsuko-San. Wearing high heels so tall, Subaru thought she might fall wearing them outside.

“It’s the first time we’ve ever run into each other in the daytime, isn’t it. If you’d like, why don’t we go have some lunch?” Natsuko suggested.

Subaru quickly accepted the invitation and they both headed to a nearby cafe.

The cafe had an old fashioned atmosphere with old posters on the walls and vintage sofas lined up throughout the floor. There were sounds of beans being ground in a mill. Natsuko headed up to the second floor.

There was no one on the second floor so they sat down in the furthest seat.

“My childhood friend works at that liquor shop so I often stop by.” Natsuko said.

“Ah, that person. I went in there the other day to buy something and he helped me out. He was a really nice person.”

“Glad to hear it.” Natsuko smiled at the compliment.

It was a very beautiful smile and at that moment Subaru realized something. He figured out who Natsuko liked just by her expression.

“Ah, thank you for treating me yesterday.” Subaru said.

“It’s no problem at all. That man really likes to play terrible jokes on people. He also managed to hurt A-Kun.” Natsuko said annoyed.

“Um, that man yesterday, does he actually…” Subaru started to ask.

“That man often frequents that bar so he knows that A-Kun has long standing unrequited love. He probably noticed that it was you. He has such a bad personality so he thought it would be funny to tease you! I’m honestly so sorry.” Natsuko apologized.

“Ah, I see…” Subaru said weakly and hung his head.

He looked at the menu and randomly ordered some pasta and gulped down the rest of his water.

It’s not like the person he liked was revealed. Subaru wondered why he felt this embarrassed.

“Do you hate it if other people find out that Tokizawa likes you?” Natsuko said as she tilted her head in a mysterious fashion.

“Not hate but maybe more embarrassing.” Subaru stammered out.

“Why?” Nasuko questioned.

“I don’t understand why Tokizawa likes me. I feel like it’s even more confusing from an outsider’s point of view. So I feel the more he talks about me, the more disappointed people will feel when they see the real thing.”

“You’ve mentioned it before. But you know, I understand why A-Kun likes you.”

“Huh?”

Subaru was surprised at how proudly Natsuko said those words that he lifted his gaze when he heard them. He made eye contact with Natsuko who was resting her chin on her hands and she smiled.

“Do you remember that first day we met? You see, I’m not an okama. So usually when I meet a man for the first time, they usually show their dislike very clearly. Or at the very least, people will feel really awkward around me… However, when we first met, you showed me a very gentle smile and you didn’t hesitate to shake my hand. I was really surprised at that time. Like if it was the natural thing to do. I was happy that you were exactly as I heard. Treating everyone equally is actually the hardest thing to do… I thought about how the person that A-Kun always hadn’t changed from what he said.”

“…Thank you,” Subaru slightly bowed his head in embarrassment at the straightforward compliment Natsuko paid him, “But I guess it does feel a little weird to have people talk about parts of yourself that you don’t know.”

“They’re good things though so it’s fine! And it’s not like it’s Tokizawa who’s running his mouth off so please forgive him. Gay people love to hear about love stories, especially okama’s.” Natsuko said delightedly.

“Is that so?” 

“Yeah, everyone is like that, not just me. Basically it’s everyday talk! And of course people would wonder about it. Especially someone as handsome as him running a bar all by himself. Naturally they’d ask him whether or not he has someone he likes.” Natsuko said matter-of-factly.

“Oh.” Subaru didn’t really know if it was actually something natural but he nodded anyway.

“At first, it seemed like he really didn’t want to say anything, but after prying and prying, he finally told me…I even tried giving him some advice, and he cried a bit.” Natsuko furrowed her brows and her lively voice became a little quiet.

Subaru also furrowed his brows.

“He cried?”

“Yeah. I told him ‘If you like him that much then why don’t you go and see him?’ and he told me, ‘we’re not that close in the first place, and everytime I think about him being married, I get scared.’ and then he started crying.”

“Oh.”

The whole three years they had spent together in high school, Subaru only saw Tokizawa cry once. And it was when Tokizawa confessed after graduation. Even though he was a coward, he was not one to show his tears so easily. Subaru frowned more and more in disbelief. Natsuko made a pained expression as if remembering the moment.

“It looks like he tried imagining it. He said it was scary to imagine something that wasn’t even his to belong to someone else. Isn’t that complete devotion? I think I made it worse. I felt sorry for him and I couldn’t bear to mess with him again. So ever since I saw him cry, I always remembered that.”

A man with an impressive beard brought both of their meals. They nodded in thanks and Subaru waited for the rest of Natsuko’s sentence.

“…I thought that it would be nice if one day he could meet the person he likes again. In the ideal form that he most desires,” Natsuko smiled at Subaru as she held the fork, “In other words, it means you’ve been cursed twofold.”

“That is… very scary.” Subaru replied seriously.

Natsuko laughed in amusement.

After that the two of them continued to eat in silence. Subaru noticed that Natsuko wouldn’t speak if had something in their mouth.

Anytime Subaru commented about the food, Natsuko would finish swallowing before replying.

Subaru decided to stay silent until they finished eating. The atmosphere between them never became awkward.

Once they cleared their plates and were drinking coffee, Natsuko started to stare at Subaru.

“Subaru-Kun, do you really not think anything of A-Kun?” Natsuko innocently asked.

“What do you mean?” Subaru asked.

“How does it feel to be living with a person of the same sex that you’re very well aware of their feelings? No matter how kind he is, do you really think he won’t suddenly change? I can’t help but think that if you have no intention of paying him back in some way, then isn’t that just too cruel? Even though that’s what A-Kun wants.”

Subaru could not reply. It was exactly as Natsuko said. Having something that he had always thought about, pointed out by another person hurt.

Subaru knew that Tokizawa liked him. He felt it cowardly that he enjoyed being in that position.

Subaru was unsure how to proceed. What kind of relationship did Tokizawa even want to have with Subaru?

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so aggressive. I was just trying to meddle a bit.” Natsuko said rather apprehensively. She reached over and touched Subaru’s hand with her finger.

“Trying to meddle?” Subaru pulled his hand away.
“That’s right.” Natsuko laughed a little and finished the rest of her coffee. She quietly placed her now empty coffee cup down and looked at Subaru with her almond eyes. 

Even though he was still somewhat at a loss for words, Subaru opened his mouth to speak.

“The more time I spend with him, the more despicable I become.” Subaru ended up saying.

“What do you mean?” Natsuko asked.
“Feeling a sense of superiority, or feeling possessive, or saying some not very nice things…”

Natsuko’s eyes widened for a moment and then she laughed.

“What do you think the release is for those feelings?” She asked.

“…I’m not sure.” Subaru finally said.

Subaru didn’t know, and that’s why he was feeling annoyed. Subaru looked down only to be met by her face gently peering at him. Her expression clearly said, Don’t you dare look away. Subaru couldn’t help but cower.

Natsuko’s expression reminded Subaru of a cat he had a long time ago. A cat that was a lot older and wiser than him. He always felt like the cat could see right through him, even the feelings he wasn’t so sure of. Subaru remembered feeling quite uncomfortable.

Natsuko paid no mind to Subaru’s silence and started speaking.

“The probability of meeting someone that cares deeply about you is really low.” Natsuko muttered to herself, wiping the rim of the cup over and over again almost as if trying to wipe off the lipstick mark, “so that’s why if you meet someone like that, you should really treasure them. You’ll definitely regret it if you lose them.”

Natsuko said it as if she was speaking from experience.

Subaru also did not have a reply for that.

After their meal, Subaru tried to pay for Natsuko’s portion but she absolutely was not having it and in the end, this was the second day in a row that Natsuko had paid for him. Subaru decided that the next time he saw her at Tokizawa’s bar, he would definitely pay for her drinks. Subaru walked around absentmindedly, the conversation he had with Natsuko, swirling in his head the whole time.

He knew that he was being spoiled by Tokizawa.

The feeling of coziness. Being doted on, were all how Tokizawa expressed his love.

When he was in high school, the intensity, the fear, the burdensome feeling all outweighed the feeling of happiness that he felt too. But since then, Subaru knew he didn’t want Tokizawa to stop liking him. He didn’t even imagine Tokizawa being taken by someone else.

At that time, Subaru had feelings for Tokizawa. He just didn’t want to admit it.

Frankly, Subaru felt that he was undeserving of Tokizawa’s love. At very least, Subaru was now able to admit it.

That’s why it’s impossible for the two of them to remain this way. Subaru had to confront his own feelings for Tokizawa with Tokizawa’s affections for him.

Wanting to be cherished was the obvious answer, but before that he had to find the answer to Natsuko’s question.

Subaru resolved to find the answer that he can face Tokizawa sincere love for him.

Subaru walked aimlessly trying to figure out the answer. After some time, he became tired of both thinking and walking. Whenever Subaru got tired, he felt like looking at some stars. Ten days have passed since he arrived here, yet he had not seen a single star. He took out his phone and searched for nearby planetariums. He found a Science Museum and headed over to it. Actually, Subaru wanted to go back to Tokizawa’s and turn on the mini planetarium that he got from Tokizawa. However, at this time, Tokizawa was surely home and after the conversation he had with Natsuko, he didn’t have the courage to see Tokizawa.

There were very few people in the Science Museum. Subaru walked around the exhibit room to pass the time until the planetarium show time.

Upon entering the museum Subaru made a beeline for the space corner. The space corner was quite large and it lived up to expectations..

The dark walls in the hall had many panels of space hung up. The hall then led into an atrium, where a number of celestial bodies hung from the ceiling. Subaru admired them for a long time.

Subaru recalled the culture festival during his first year of high school. He remembered the celestial bodies the third years had made and how beautiful they were, he remembered how Tokizawa also came.

––Why is it that you like stars?

He remembered Tokizawa’s question too.

Subaru started to laugh at the memory but quickly stopped since he was by himself.

Tokizawa surely had absolutely no interest in the topic, yet he listened fervently to Subaru’s talk of stars. Tokizawa nodded to everything Subaru said without even the slightest hint of annoyance on his face. It looked like he was trying his hardest not to miss a single word. Subaru remembered feeling really happy then.

Tokizawa always said that Subaru was kind, but Subaru felt that Tokizawa was the kind one.

Even though Tokizawa was usually very mild mannered, he got angry on his behalf. Tokizawa’s support was strong enough to erase Subaru’s depression over his job and his ex.

Subaru felt a little liberated when Tokizawa got angry.

The planetarium was so empty that it was like he had rented the place out, so he could sit wherever he wanted. Subaru chose a seat on the very last row and looked up to the wide dome.

The program running that day was a program aimed at children about myths, and then the Sapporo night sky. During the explanation of the constellations appearing in the evening, Subaru thought about how it was just going to be cloudy anyways so he won’t be able to actually see any of it.

He wanted to see the stars. Subaru came all this way just to see them but he hadn’t seen them even once. He came so far just for them.

Subaru left the Science Museum to see that the sun had already set. However the sunset today was a little different than usual. There were absolutely no clouds in the evening sky. Once it got dark, the stars would become visible.

Subaru suddenly thought about Tokizawa.

Subaru made a promise to see the stars with Tokizawa. He thought it would be even more fun to share the feeling of contentment from watching the stars. If he headed back now they could go to the observatory from a few days ago and it would be the perfect viewing time. Tokizawa would still be home at this time so Subaru decided to get back quickly and invite him.

As soon as he thought of it, he quickly wanted to make it happen.

Subaru hopped on the subway wishing he could run faster as he made his way to Tokizawa’s place.

Subaru lost no time getting off the subway. Part of the way, he became embarrassed at how intently he had been thinking about Tokizawa. However, that did not slow him down and his thoughts wandered to the curry he made for lunch. Subaru thought about how the taste was different whether you warmed it up on the stove or in the microwave. He decided to warm some curry up so they can both eat together.

Subaru finally arrived at the entrance of the apartment. He found the auto lock door more annoying to unlock. He somehow managed to press the correct buttons and flew into the elevator. He stood in front of the apartment door and looked for the key in his pocket, only to find it not there. Subaru was absolutely stunned.

Subaru thought about this morning and how much of a rush he had been. Since there were times he left by himself, Subaru had a spare key that he borrowed from Tokizawa. And today he had completely forgotten to take it with him. Subaru had no choice but to ring the doorbell. However, there was no answer.

Subaru put his ear against the door to see if there was any noise inside, but there was only silence. No matter how he looked at it, Tokizawa was not home. He checked the time on his phone, but it was still too early for Tokizawa to have left for work. In other words, Tokizawa had gone out somewhere.

“…What should I do now?” Subaru lamented.

Subaru suddenly realized that he could try calling Tokizawa. He’d ask him where he went and if he could borrow the key if intended to head straight to work.

He only realized once he opened the contact book on his phone.

Subaru didn’t have Tokizawa’s contact information.

They had been living together so it wasn’t necessary. Subaru always made sure to say when he was leaving and coming back, and then Tokizawa worked nights. When they were both at home, their conversations were always enough and there wasn’t any opportunity to really go on their phones. Subaru wasn’t sure if Tokizawa also thought the same, but for him, he never even thought about asking.

There was no choice but to wait for Tokizawa to get back. Defeated, Subaru sat on the floor in front of the door. To make matters worse, the hallway of the apartment wasn’t even fully covered so of course there was no heat. There was no wind so at least it was better than being outside. However, sitting on the floor made him feel cold to his very core. In the end, Subaru ended up standing up again. He held both his arms in an attempt to keep warm as he waited.

Subaru decided that if Tokizawa didn’t come back and went to work, then he would just head to the bar instead.

Subaru wondered where Tokizawa had gone.

Since coming here, Tokizawa only went to work and spent time with Subaru. Tokizawa had only left by himself once, and that was the morning of Subaru’s birthday.

Is he meeting up with someone?

Besides the people at the bar, Subaru had no clue about the other people Tokizawa was friendly with. Even Natsuko, who was a regular customer, had only chatted with each other at the bar.

Tokizawa lived here for years now so there was no way he didn’t have at least one person he was close to. 

Surely Tokizawa was properly making interpersonal relationships.

Besides him and Natsuko, there had to be more people that Subaru doesn’t know about.

It was such an obvious thing yet it had never hit Subaru up until that moment. The whole time he’d been here, the only person who was consistently with Tokizawa was none other than Subaru. He suddenly realized that maybe Tokizawa’s world was actually really small.

Subaru became completely stunned at what he just realized. To receive such a shock like this, Subaru wondered if he had not grown at all since being in high school. Not since figuring out his feeling of possessiveness towards Tokizawa and how he felt a sense of superiority to all the girls who had a crush on him.

Subaru was having this internal crisis when the elevator chimed. Subaru lifted his face up slowly and made eye contact with Tokizawa.

“What’s wrong!?” Tokizawa rushed over to Subaru and peered into Subaru’s face with a worried expression.

“I forgot the key…” Subaru managed to say.

“Oh jeez! I didn’t notice at all. I’m sorry, did you wait long? It’s so cold… I’m really sorry, I’ll open the door right now.”

Tokizawa fumbled with the keys and eventually managed to insert them. With the door now wide open, he grabbed Subaru’s arm and took him inside.

The heater had been left on, so upon entering the warm room, Subaru could feel his cold body relax a little.

Tokizawa quickly followed behind him, he put his bag down and grabbed the remote for the heater and turned the heat up.

“Where did you go?” Subaru’s voice came out stronger than he wanted due to nerves.

It was clear that Tokizawa took it as an attack and his expression quickly turned into guilt and he began to apologize over and over again.

“I’m really sorry, I just thought I’d take a walk as a change of pace… I was only walking around the neighborhood. I’m sorry for taking so long and not noticing that you didn’t have your key.”

So he wasn’t with anyone, Subaru calmed down a bit only to become worked up again.

If he really wasn’t with anyone today, then what about tomorrow, or the day after. Subaru was filled with anxiety.

Tokizawa meeting with someone else, talking with someone else, laughing with someone else. In a place that Subaru didn’t know about.

Even though Tokizawa was standing right in front of him, Subaru felt greatly annoyed. He hated the idea of Tokizawa being somewhere else that he didn’t know of.

Before Subaru could think of where these childish feelings of possessiveness came from Subaru’s body moved before his thoughts could catch up.

He had long forgotten that he wanted to see the stars and heat up the curry so they could eat together.

Subaru faced Tokizawa and grabbed the collar of his coat and pulled with all his strength. He roughly met Tokizawa’s lips. Somewhere in the corner of his mind Subaru thought about how coldTokizawa’s lips were, which means it was true that he was outside.

Subaru leaned back again to be met by Tokizawa’s wide eyed expression. Subaru figured that Tokizawa was stunned from being kissed, especially a kiss that looked more like Subaru was going to bite him. Tokizawa was probably feeling utterly bewildered. Subaru himself was also a bit perplexed about his own actions. Tokizawa’s expression clearly had no clue what just happened. Unhappy about that, Subaru leaned in once again.

Subaru decided that if Tokizawa showed any signs of hesitation or if he refused then he would calm down and stop. However, Tokizawa didn’t refuse. In fact he didn’t show any response, he just stood there, completely still.

This time, Subaru inserted his tongue in the slight opening of Tokizawa’s mouth. His lips had been so cold but the inside of his mouth was burning hot. It was obvious to think about, but this kiss was so different from every kiss he had until now. The depth of his mouth, the length of his tongue, the thickness, and the warmth. Subaru traced his tongue all over Tokizawa’s mouth. Over his gums, behind his teeth. He became unable to discern the heat from his own while trying to wrap the thick, swollen tongue with his. 

This was the first time in Subaru’s life that he’d been engrossed with a kiss.

At this moment, there were two sides of Subaru. One side was completely absorbed in the kiss. The other side of him was calm. He thought about the first night that he came and Tokizawa told him to run away if he made a move. Never in a million years did Subaru think he would be the one to make a move.

Granted, he probably wouldn’t run away because he didn’t dislike it one bit.

Nowhere near satisfied but running out of breath, Subaru finally let go. A thin silver thread was attached to their lips, slightly trembling.

“…Why?” Tokizawa said in a shaky voice. It wasn’t hatred, not even any delight. It sounded like a lost child.

Subaru licked his wet lips with the tip of his tongue.

“I lied to you. That time you confessed to me, I pretended I didn’t know about it , but actually I knew the whole time.” Subaru declared.

At the time, Subaru had been scared to acknowledge that he was happy being liked by a guy. He didn’t have the guts to reject or be disgusted with it, so he just pretended not to know about it. Subaru felt uncomfortable from Tokizawa’s burning gaze but he also had to admit that it made him feel happy.

But now.

“But–” Subaru started to say.

“–I have to go to work.” Tokizawa interrupted.

Subaru’s attempt to confess had been completely denied by one sentence. The feelings that had Subaru so worked up became cold in one fell swoop. He could no longer get the words out. He furrowed his brows and could only stare at Tokizawa.

Tokizawa closed his mouth and turned towards the entranceway and left without another word. 

Subaru could only stare in shock as Tokizawa left. 

Subaru calmed down very quickly and he began to reflect over his actions.

Tokizawa was probably extremely bewildered. He not only didn’t look very happy, but Subaru also might have hurt Tokizawa with his own selfishness. So that’s probably why he ran away.

What’s going to happen if he doesn’t come back?

Subaru was now left alone in the room, at a complete loss over what to do.

Subaru stood there in a daze as the room got darker and darker. He eventually moved to turn on the lights. When he stood by the window to close the curtains, he looked up at the sky and couldn’t help but exclaim.

Stars.

They were close to a bright city, so only a few dim stars could be seen but there were indeed stars outside. Subaru had so fervently wished to see some twinkling stars, but seeing them by himself in this situation didn’t make him happy at all.

There was no point if Tokizawa wasn’t here as well.

“He’ll come home by tomorrow, right?” Subaru muttered in hopes of trying to dispel his anxiety and closed the curtains.

That night, Subaru had dinner alone. He got in the shower and then went to bed. All he could do was toss and turn thinking about Tokizawa, so after a few hours, he gave up on sleep. He slowly got up from the futon and crawled to the window. He opened the curtains a bit and looked outside. Gazing outside like so, Subaru realized just how much of a city he was in with all the bright lights. Even though the night sky was free of clouds, the stars could barely be seen. Only the brightest stars were visible. 

The neon lights looked a bit faded against the dark sky.

Slowly, the night sky changed colors from a deep inky black, to a dark blue, to a purple and pink color. It looked like someone used some paint brushes and mixed some colors to paint a clear sky. Soon it’ll be daybreak.

Even the brightness of the lights could not win against the brightness of the sun. As it got brighter and brighter, the neon lights of the city gradually disappeared, erased by the brightness of the sun.

Once it became bright,  Subaru finally looked away and checked his watch. It was a bit after six.

Daybreak was a bit earlier compared to when he first arrived. Time was progressing little by little. 

Subaru looked outside again and thought about the vastness of his current view.

Even though compared to space, it was a lot smaller, but even so this world was still so vast.

Subaru told Tokizawa that meeting in this world is so much easier than running into each other in space, but actually he was starting to think that running into each other again was really amazing. 

He had come such a long way and in that place, in the whole world, they were able to meet again.

If this wasn’t destiny then Subaru didn’t know what it was.

He opened the window, and the cold air attacked Subaru’s cheeks, he stared at the direction of Tokizawa’s bar. Even though it was daybreak now, Tokizawa had not come back.

He started to feel the pangs of hunger so he closed the window. He thought about how they never got to eat curry together the previous night, so he decided to have some now. He stood up and as he headed to the kitchen, he stumbled over something. 

The object that fell over with a thud was the backpack that Tokizawa’s always carried. Tokizawa always had it with him when he went to work, but he was so shaken from last night that he forgot it.

“Ah jeez…” Subaru exclaimed.

It had been left open so the contents of the bag had all spilled out. Subaru sighed and bent down to pick them up. His fingers stopped just as he was about to pick up a piece of fallen cloth.

Subaru remembered this item, a dark blue cloth with a white stripe.

He picked up the item, and just as he thought, it was the necktie he wore when he was in high school.

There was no need to check for the embroidered insignia on the back, that’s how sure Subaru was. It was definitely the necktie that Subaru gave Tokizawa after their graduation ceremony.

Subaru was amazed that Tokizawa still had it.

Despite the fire, moving, and just passage of time.

There was one more thing that spilled over that Subaru recognized.

The little hand cream that was still inside the package. Not even the seal was broken.

Upon picking it up, a memory flashed in Subaru’s head, a conversation he had with Tokizawa.

“I feel uneasy if I’m not carrying it…  I want to have my important things with me all the time. 

Back then, Tokizawa had been carrying it on his lap like the most precious thing in the world. Subaru would have never imagined something as small as that would be in there.

“…You’re so ridiculous.” Subaru muttered, holding the necktie with his right hand and the unopened hand lotion on the other. 

Tokizawa’s old treasure and his new treasure.

To be carrying something like this with utmost care was crazy.

After all, the real thing was already right there.

Subaru resisted the urge to call him out and instead finished picking up all the items scattered on the floor and returned the backpack to where it was and once again headed to the kitchen.

The curry had become solid from the cold, but after mixing it up for a while over the heat, it finally melted.

As he mixed the curry, an idea came to Subaru.

Looking out the window at the bright city lights, he spent the whole time thinking about what Natsuko said, and about his feelings.

Actually he had vaguely realized it, but he tried really hard not to think about it.

Subaru didn’t want anyone to take Tokizawa, he wanted Tokizawa to always look at him. Even if it was selfish or intense, those were Subaru’s real feelings.

It was very possible that it was he who fell when he first made eye contact, but Subaru, being immature, could not admit it. Compared to Tokizawa who always stared at Subaru with a childlike innocence, Subaru was a coward.

But no longer, Subaru decided.

Both his feelings of possessiveness, his uneasiness, and his feelings of guilt about having those feelings. In conclusion, those feelings were actually just that of affection. Compared to Tokizawa’s affection, his own feelings felt very filthy.

Even if it might not go well, Subaru decided that when Tokizawa got back, he’d tell him his feelings.

So he prayed to the stars he saw earlier that Tokizawa would return home.

If Tokizawa is afraid of fire, then he’ll accept anything having to do with fire in his stead. Subaru will not allow Tokizawa to say anymore that he doesn’t have a place to go home too.

He wants to remain by Tokizawa’s side. Unlike Tokizawa, Subaru is pretty flexible so anywhere is fine.

But before that, there was one thing left to do. Subaru remembered a regret he had left back at his parent’s house.

With his new resolve, Subaru turned off the stove, and got ready to go out.