How to Avoid Debut

༺ How To Avoid Debut – 23 ༻

 

  The atmosphere in the practice room the next day was like a freezer. Everyone’s expression was stiff, and the mood was cold. The reason soon became clear. The boss had called on me, not Seongwon hyung, completely out of the blue, and brought up a story I could never have imagined.

 

  “SPACE, you’re joining Jigu.”

 

  “What?”

 

  He was telling me to debut. In the spot that Seongwon hyung was supposed to fill.

 

  Even though the debut I dreamed of was within my grasp, I couldn’t be happy at all. It was more fear than guilt. How could I fill that spot?

 

  Inside my head, I kept shouting that it was not possible, that I couldn’t do it, but my mouth wouldn’t open until the end. The boss said it was a good opportunity for me and suggested that we should shape the youngest image well.

 

  When I returned to the practice room, Seongwon hyung was chattering away as if nothing had happened with the other hyungs. Except for the fact that my name was listed in the debut group, there was virtually no change, as if I had been dreaming. Of course, I had to exclude the fact that I was completely cut off from the conversation with the rest of the hyungs.

 

  Eventually, in a situation where my debut was half confirmed, my time in the practice room drastically decreased. If I were to debut in this state, would I have to live breathing in this kind of atmosphere until I retire? Anxiety was creeping in.

 

  Wouldn’t it be okay if I just focused on work? A worry I had never experienced before surged from within, drenching my anxious mind. My head, which kept trying to rationalize things, felt stupid.

 

  Should I quit? It seemed right to quit since it wasn’t my place to begin with. However, since my name was already listed, it wasn’t something I could just quit and come out as if nothing had happened.

 

  I heard that there were certainly trainee penalties, so I couldn’t dare tell my parents. When my mother and I made the contract, we promised that no matter what happened, we would not ask for help, and I would handle all the problems that arose after joining the agency.

 

  “Your café mocha is ready.”

 

  I bought coffee from a café in front of the school. It was a regular café I visited almost twenty times a month, but I hadn’t been there once since my name was listed in the debut group. As I took a sip of the café mocha I received after a long time, adding as much syrup as usual, my stomach churned again.

 

  In the end, I wasted my favorite coffee by drinking only a single sip and headed to the company building. There was a meeting today.

 

  “The vocal positions are filled up… Jigu, want to try rapping?”

 

  “Rapping?”

 

  “Seongwon was originally going to handle the rapping, but there’s a hole now.”

 

  “I don’t know how to rap. Just singing….”

 

  “Those who sing well usually rap well too. You’ll be fine with training.”

 

  In the end, the director put my name down for the rapper role. Getting a task of rapping, something I had never done before, made my head feel like it was going to explode. But I had no choice but to start practicing. I began by holding a pen in my mouth for pronunciation practice, and I even had one-on-one private lessons with Yejoon hyung, buying him a box of macarons each time.

 

  In the midst of finalizing such a concept, Seongwon hyung left the company. The remaining hyungs seemed to be maintaining their relationships through consistent contact, but since my relationship with them had become worse than that of strangers, I did not contact them.

 

  I gritted my teeth and seemed to endure well. That was until the director suddenly took me to a bar.

 

  I was taken aback by the sudden bar visit and told the director three times that I was underage, but all were ignored. Inside the room we entered, there was a table and an unfamiliar woman I had never seen before.

 

  “Hello.”

 

  The face that extended the greeting was serene. Everything from her posture to expression and hand gestures exuded ease. The woman leaning comfortably on the sofa in the middle looked close to forty. As I hastily avoided her burdensome gaze, the director pushed me, standing still, to the sofa beside him. While I was still dazzled by the fancy ceiling lights, the rest of the hyungs quickly took their seats.

 

  The woman, who had quickly scanned everything from the nearest to the furthest like looking at clothes fitted on mannequins, nudged the director. Then her gaze landed exactly on me. Our eyes met, and my head involuntarily dropped to the ground.

 

  “Sure enough, he is just my type in person, but he is too much of a baby.”

 

  “He’s a high school student.”

 

  “Director, does he know how to have sex?”

 

  “If it bothers you, the other kids are fine too.”

 

  I could quickly realize from the question laced with laughter. This was the sponsorship that most rookie groups were reportedly offered.

 

  As soon as I realized what was happening, I wanted to run out of there, but I was blocked on both sides. I couldn’t see the expressions of the other hyungs well, but they didn’t look good. My eyes darted anxiously from side to side as the hyungs frantically talked about something. My mind was foggy and my ears were deaf to any words.

 

  “Our youngest is really handsome.”

 

  “He’s in charge of our visuals.”

 

  When I regained my senses, the voices I heard were of the hyungs, chatting as if they didn’t care who it was as long as it wasn’t them.

 

  It was not a unanimous refusal, but an outright scapegoating. And I was the target. From the moment I started to hear clearly, breathing became difficult. I knew that we had been disjointed since Seongwon hyung left, or even before that, but this was a nauseatingly abrupt shift in attitude.

 

  It wasn’t long before the woman came closer. She moved forward and asked,

 

  “How about it, do you want to be sponsored by me? I’ll give you lots of good stuff. Your group will rise, and you will rise even more.”

 

  Is sponsorship usually selected after being brought to such a place? Without hearing a word in advance? Her heavily made-up eyes glinted as if to consume me. Something was horribly wrong.

 

  I bolted out of there. I collided with the woman’s arm and almost tripped over the sofa leg, but my body somehow kept moving.

 

  Whether the director called, or the hyung, whose name I didn’t want to remember, grabbed my arm, I didn’t care. I left the bar, where I had confidently entered as a minor, and retched several times. Even so, fearing that the boss might come after me, I slipped into the alley next to it and pressed myself against the wall.

 

  I had no friend to call in this situation. In the end, I decided to call hyung. My hands shook so much while finding hyung’s name in the contact list that I almost dropped my phone several times.

 

  “Hyung, are you in the middle of a schedule?”

 

-No? I’m at the dorm.

 

  “I’m here, no. Can you help me for a moment? Here, no.”

 

-What’s wrong? Where are you?

 

  “I’ll go to the dorm.”

 

-Huh? Are you saying you’re coming now?

 

  I heard hyung’s confused voice, but I blindly hung up the phone and hailed a taxi from the alley. After paying an enormous taxi fare, my legs gave way and I slumped down in front of the apartment complex where Noble’s dormitory was located.

 

  “Hey, you can’t just say you’re coming to the dormitory. You have to tell me exactly where.”

 

  Soon after, hyung came running towards me in light clothes. As expected of someone who had always been a runner in sports events since childhood, his form was fast.

 

  “People are watching, stand up for now.”

 

  Hyung, who had no idea about the situation, helped me up and took me to a playground inside the apartment complex. It was dark and grim, it didn’t seem like children would be out playing at this time.

 

  “Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Coming all the way here.”

 

  “Hyung, I, I want to quit.”

 

  “Quit what? Hey, hey, aren’t you going to breathe properly?”

 

  I had promised never to open up about this, but in the end, I did. Hyung, who was clearly flustered, held onto me and asked, and only then did I feel a bit relieved. I thought I was going to cry as soon as I saw hyung, but I was more composed than I thought. Instead, my lips twisted severely as I spoke. Breathing became difficult.

 

  “I want to leave the agency.”

 

  “Why. What happened? Hey, talk to me!”

 

  Hyung’s worried face and incredulous voice merged, creating an odd situation. Hyung waited for a while until I calmed down and as I started to speak, he sat down next to me. Hearing my brief account about the sponsorship, hyung held my hand and got up.

 

  “Let’s sleep on it for tonight.”

 

  Without saying anything, without asking for the group members’ consent, hyung brought me up to the dormitory. Hyung, who told me to lie down and sleep without any preamble, took off his training jacket and threw it. A member who was lying in the next bed sat up abruptly and got angry as he watched the clothes fall to the floor.

 

  “Hey, do you want to die? Don’t put it on the floor. Is it a hanger ornament?”

 

  “My younger brother  is here.”

 

  “What younger brother… Oh, hello.”

 

  The member, who seemed familiar with anger, seemed taken aback for a moment but soon greeted me, and one by one, the other members who had been in the other room came out. They spoke to me amicably without any sign of discomfort, even though I had suddenly entered their living quarters at this hour, so I quickly relaxed.

 

  “How would you rate Taeyang as a hyung?”

 

  “Don’t ask such things.”

 

  Noble really felt like a group that would be together for many years. Listening to their conversation, I felt stupid and pathetic for thinking I could endure the suffocating practice room. If I had given up from the beginning, I wouldn’t have known anything.

 

  After tossing and turning all night, as soon as I got up, hyung took me to my agency. There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation in hyung’s steps as we made our way to the CEO’s office.

 

  Hyung straightforwardly said he wanted to terminate the contract. The CEO put pressure on us, saying that if we terminated the contract just before our debut, we would be liable for damages in addition to a penalty, but hyung pushed back and insisted we follow the law.

 

  Blinking slowly at the end of my nearly two-year trainee life that ended surprisingly simply, the building seemed blurry.

 

  Hyung held my arm and led me into a café right next to the agency building. It was a place I had never seen before, but as soon as I entered, I liked the smell of coffee. Hyung, who knew my taste accurately, ordered a café mocha right away. He also added that he wanted a lot of syrup. Soon after, I carefully held the coffee that came out and went outside. The sweet smell brushed the tip of my nose with the hot air.

 

  “…I thought I could do it.”

 

  Hyung hadn’t asked me anything, but I made excuses on my own. The café mocha, full of syrup, spread slowly in my mouth.

 

  Did I put in too much? I always drank it this sweet, but today it tasted even sweeter. It felt numb as if everything up to the tip of my tongue was dominated by sweetness.

 

  “I know. Because you’re always like this.”

 

  “Haa…..”

 

  “You should talk like this in the future.”

 

  I didn’t realize that if you live too peacefully, even a small prick can make you burst too easily. That if you are too round, people want to prick you. There was no need for me to live so roundly. As I thought about this pointless belief, I finished my cup of café mocha.

 

  My not-so-short trainee life ended in vain.

 

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