I Can Still Salvage It

While having his meal, Shen Mian seemed absent-minded. He always had great enthusiasm for delicious food. When he was young, he had gained weight because of his love for food. He had grown into a chubby snowball that could almost roll on the ground. Fortunately, he later grew taller during puberty and returned to a slim figure.

He suddenly seemed uninterested in the delicious food in front of him. He lowered his head, lost in his thoughts.

During the serving, a waiter brought a silver tray with a lid. When the lid was lifted, it revealed a rose made of dim sum, with a real rose at the center.

The waiter explained that it was a special dessert included in the couple’s set menu.

Perhaps because he had seen too much in the world, the waiter showed no surprise at two boys ordering the couple’s set menu. Instead, he smiled and wished them a pleasant dining experience.

However, Shen Mian’s face turned slightly red, unable to hold his composure.

He used a small knife to cut open the rose made of dim sum, revealing melted chocolate flowing out like a dissected heart, warm and rich.

But when he looked up at Pei Zhiyi, he noticed that Pei Zhiyi calmly and indifferently cut off a corner of the rose and left it aside. As it lost its warmth, it collapsed and withered, no longer dazzling.

After finishing dinner, Pei Zhiyi sent Shen Mian home. It was Sunday, and they were supposed to have evening self-study at school, but there was an activity for the third-year students, so the second-year students were exempted from going to school.

At the entrance of an alley, Pei Zhiyi once again reassured Shen Mian, “I won’t go abroad. I’ll go to the same city for university as you, and we’ll be able to meet within a ten-minute walk. I’ll buy a house nearby, and you can decorate it however you like.”

Shen Mian was fascinated by that image and couldn’t help but smile.

But then he felt something was off. Why should Pei Zhiyi buy the house and let him decorate it? Shouldn’t he contribute as well?

But he didn’t have the money like Pei Zhiyi. His savings over the years relied solely on red envelopes he received during the Chinese New Year.

Shen Mian started to worry for a moment.

But before he could think it through, Pei Zhiyi gently hugged him again. Shen Mian caught a whiff of the fragrance on Pei Zhiyi, which had been diluted countless times by the night breeze, becoming cold and gentle.

Shen Mian was taken aback for a moment and weakly protested, “Can you stop hugging me all the time…”

As he spoke, he pushed Pei Zhiyi away, not using much force but showing determination.

Pei Zhiyi asked strangely, “Why?”

Shen Mian couldn’t explain in a straightforward manner and could only speak vaguely, “It’s not normal for guys to keep hugging each other.”

Pei Zhiyi pointed out the flaw in his words, “But you used to ask me to hug you all the time.”

Shen Mian, feeling embarrassed, said, “That was back in junior high!”

After saying that, he ignored Pei Zhiyi and ran away, leaving only the words, “See you at school tomorrow.”

Shen Mian ran all the way to his home’s courtyard. His parents hadn’t come back yet, and only Shen Yu was there.

He hurriedly exchanged a few words with Shen Yu and ran back to his room. He closed the door, threw himself onto the bed, and buried his face in the blanket.

But even covering his face didn’t help. Pei Zhiyi’s gaze, the warmth of his embrace, the way he smiled, all appeared before his eyes. The tingling sensation of Pei Zhiyi’s fingertips on his hand seemed to envelop his skin again, from his tailbone to his heart.

Shen Mian buried his face deeper in the blanket, wishing he could suffocate himself.

But after just a moment, Shen Mian came up from the blanket, picked up his phone from the bedside table, and found the contact he rarely contacted on WeChat.

It  belonged to Xu Yuanfan.

Shen Mian bit his lip, hesitated for a moment, but ultimately sent a message.

“Brother Fan, are you free? Can I ask you a question?”

He thought for a while, and the only person around him with experience in male relationships was Xu Yuanfan. If he asked someone else, they might think he had gone crazy.

He stared at the screen, feeling his heart pounding.

Fortunately, Xu Yuanfan quickly replied.

“I’m here, what’s up?”

Shen Mian typed with trembling hands, each word carrying great weight.

“I kissed a guy and didn’t feel repulsed. Does that mean I’m gay?”

As he pressed send, he could hear his own heartbeat pounding loudly.

He thought Xu Yuanfan would be shocked by his question, perhaps interrogating him, but to his surprise, Xu Yuanfan replied instantly.

Xu Yuanfan asked, “Did you kiss your childhood friend?”

Shen Mian almost threw his phone away.

He stared at Xu Yuanfan’s avatar as if he had seen a ghost, suspecting that he was actually Xu Sherlock Holmes Conan.

How could he have known? Yet he and Pei Zhiyi had never even met!

Fortunately, Xu Yuanfan didn’t seem to need his answer and sent several more messages in response.

“I can’t say for sure. By asking this question, do you want me to give you advice? But this is your life, and I can’t tell you how you live it.”

“I can only advise you that you don’t reject him. Just like how I can kiss random guys in a bar without liking them.”

Shen Mian stared at those lines of text, feeling even more conflicted.

He thought to himself, but it doesn’t happen with every guy.

The moment he thought about someone else kissing him, he wanted to run away at lightning speed.

Only Pei Zhiyi was the exception.

But before he could send a message, he saw Xu Yuanfan sending more messages.

“Feelings are hard to hide. If you’re desperately trying to convince yourself that you don’t like him, but you can’t control it, then it means you do.”

“But don’t look to me for guidance. I’ve never liked anyone. I’m naturally bent. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else.”

Shen Mian: “…”

He suddenly felt that whoever fell in love with Xu Yuanfan would definitely have a hard time.

But he was still grateful to Xu Yuanfan. He asked all those questions vaguely, but Xu Yuanfan wasn’t shocked and didn’t lecture him. Instead, he answered like an open-minded and gentle older brother, providing guidance to his confused junior.

Shen Mian: “Thank you, brother.”

As he sent the message, he wondered how different it was when he called Pei Zhiyi “brother,” than he did with Xu Yuanfan, with Xu Yuanfan, it didn’t have that clingy and intimate feeling. It was like a gentle breeze and a clear moon, just a regular form of address.

His phone vibrated, and Shen Mian looked down to see Xu Yuanfan’s response.

“No need to thank me. But I have to remind you, this path is not easy. Whether it’s for you or the other person, don’t start anything casually.”

Those words made Shen Mian’s heart sink again. He understood every word Xu Yuanfan wrote, but when put together, they seemed like words from another world.

He understood them, but they made him feel uncomfortable.

He sat on the bed, still wearing the clothes he had on when going out. His clothes still carried the same scent as Pei Zhiyi’s, diluted but only he could detect.

The wind outside stirred the wind chimes on his window, making a clanging noise that sounded particularly harsh in the quiet night.

Downstairs, it seemed like his parents had come back. There were faint voices and laughter in the living room. Despite being close, it felt like they came from another world.

The screen of Shen Mian’s phone went dark, hiding their conversation behind a veil of darkness.

It was just an ordinary night, and no one knew what kind of turmoil he had experienced. And now, the waves in his heart silently calmed down, leaving only traces of water on the beach.

Shen Mian had insomnia throughout the night, and he felt mentally drained when he went to school the next day.

Fortunately, Pei Zhiyi brought him good news.

As expected, Pei An was defeated by his own son once again. The matter of sending Pei Zhiyi abroad disappeared quietly, as if it had never happened.

According to Shen Mian, Pei An rarely won in arguments with Pei Zhiyi. No matter how angry or gentle he was, Pei Zhiyi always had the same attitude. He simply didn’t listen.

Pei Zhiyi nonchalantly told Shen Mian, “Don’t worry, he’ll leave tomorrow and won’t be able to control me anymore.”

Shen Mian couldn’t help but smile, nodded and said, “That’s good.”

The second period in the afternoon was the most precious physical education class of the week.

All the boys in the class rushed out, and Shen Mian joined Xu Jing and others to play basketball. Meanwhile, Pei Zhiyi was called to the office by teacher Ding, who said he had something to discuss with him.

Shen Mian played basketball decently. He was taller than the average boys in the class and had good jumping ability.

However, he didn’t have much enthusiasm when playing that day. After a while, he was replaced in the second game and went to the bench area, next to Xu Jing, who had to sit there due to a foot injury.

As soon as Xu Jing saw him, he smiled, “What’s up? Are you here to keep your dad company because he’s bored?”

Shen Mian scorned him, “who’s dad could you even be? With your walking style, needing a cane and all, I alone can beat three of you.

The two of them bantered aimlessly, exchanging meaningless words. While Xu Jing couldn’t move his feet, his eyes remained glued to the direction of the girls.

The girls in their class were playing volleyball, and Mu Lingling was among them, wearing a white sports shirt, her hair tied in a ponytail, youthful and lively. Xu Jing went from being a macho man to a softened one as he looked at her.

Shen Mian knew that Xu Jing liked Mu Lingling, so Xu Jing didn’t avoid the topic and asked, “Mu Lingling’s birthday is in two months. What do you think I should give her? Since you have a good relationship with her, can you find out for me?”

Shen Mian didn’t mind helping Xu Jing with that favor, but he couldn’t help but tease him, “Starting preparations two months in advance, you’re so proactive.”

Xu Jing refused to be outdone, “Last year, you started preparing half a year in advance for Pei Zhiyi’s birthday gift. Don’t act like I’m the obsessed one.”

Shen Mian’s smile suddenly froze.

He actually forgot that last year, he gave Pei Zhiyi a model he made by hand. Compared to the other gifts Pei Zhiyi received, it wasn’t valuable, but it held significance.

Xu Jing casually said that, without thinking much about it, his eyes still fixed on Mu Lingling, wondering if she liked him or not. He was genuinely curious.

But before he could finish his thoughts, he heard Shen Mian’s gentle voice, ” Xu Jing, can you do me a favor?”

Xu Jing was absent-minded, “What favor? Just tell me.”

Shen Mian calmly said, “Can you hug me?”

Xu Jing thought he misheard and turned his neck urgently, almost spraining it, “What nonsense is this? Are you crazy?”

Shen Mian didn’t argue, but urged him, “Just pretend I’m crazy. Hurry up and hug me!”

Xu Jing had no choice but to reluctantly give Shen Mian a hug, his eyes still alert and scanning their surroundings. He asked Shen Mian, “Is it enough? We look so gay like this. If Mu Lingling sees us, even if I jump into the Yellow River, I won’t be able to wash away the suspicion. Mu Lingling likes BL, did you know? Two guys dating…”

Shen Mian was held in Xu Jing’s embrace, but he felt no emotions stirring within him, except for a slight distaste for the sweat on Xu Jing’s body.

Pei Zhiyi would never have that kind of stuffy and annoying smell. Even if he sweated, he would still smell refreshing.

He released Xu Jing and asked, “So, is it really strange for two guys to hug each other?”

Xu Jing thought he didn’t understand, so he explained, “If you hug me while playing ball, that’s just us being good buddies. But if you suddenly want me to comfort you by hugging, I’m sorry, but that’s really gay. Besides, isn’t hugging you something only Brother Pei does? How could I dare to overstep my bounds? Do you think I want to face Brother Pei’s wrath?”

Xu Jing made a joke.

But Shen Mian didn’t find it amusing.

He heard Xu Jing continuing to babble, saying that autumn would soon be over, and the school was planning a group outing to help relieve stress for the students.

But Shen Mian wasn’t paying attention; he felt the sun that day was blinding.

After the physical education class, they had physics class, which Shen Mian always dreaded. He listened with only partial understanding, and his attention kept wandering.

Pei Zhiyi returned to his seat ten minutes into the class and sat back beside him.

They were sitting very close, and sometimes when Pei Zhiyi reached for a pen, his hand would brush against Shen Mian’s.

Even though it was winter, Shen Mian felt his hand was burning.

He recalled what Xu Jing had said earlier.

He had been used to Pei Zhiyi since childhood, so he didn’t think that hugging or holding hands was overly intimate. But apparently, such intimacy was seen as crossing a boundary in the eyes of others.

He couldn’t help but wonder if he hadn’t noticed the problem, did Pei Zhiyi not notice either?

But he quickly dismissed his own speculation; perhaps Pei Zhiyi genuinely didn’t know. After all, even top students can be a bit slow in common knowledge, and that’s normal.

The classroom was quiet, filled only with the sound of the teacher lecturing and students taking notes.

Shen Mian propped his face up and let his gaze wander outside the window. The trees outside had shed all their leaves, leaving only gray, withered branches that fragmented the sky into small pieces.

He suddenly regretted taking that shortcut through the alley that day, where he saw Xu Yuanfan kissing that unfamiliar man.

That kiss might have been ordinary for Xu Yuanfan, but it was like a thunderbolt, shattering the peace of his world and making him realize that there was a possibility of something more between him and Pei Zhiyi beyond friendship.

But he didn’t know whether his feelings for Pei Zhiyi were simply habit and dependency or something more.

Because Pei Zhiyi was too important to him, an irreplaceable and precious treasure in the world.

They were like two intertwined trees, appearing independent on the surface, but their roots were intricately connected underground.

That’s why he dared not take a wrong step.

He even thought that if he were to fall and shatter into pieces, he would rather do it alone.