I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

I wondered how many more memories of Yeonseon would survive in my brain.

In that aspect, Hyehyun shouldn’t be such an uncomfortable existence. On top of the fact that he was Yeonseon’s immediate family member, some parts of his speech and mannerisms were reminiscent of moments long gone.

“A friend you say… It’s funny hearing that from you, of all people,” I said as I looked up at Hyehyun, who clammed up. When our eyes met, he averted his gaze. It didn’t seem like he was going to say anything back—or perhaps he was digging for a reply that wouldn’t hurt my feelings.

Thanks to Yeonseon’s unique personality, there was no choice but to always include a third party when we met. Yeonseon’s affection could only be expressed when he was watched by many others. That was why Hyehyun was always by Yeonseon’s side. When Yeonseon gave me the dolphin eraser, when we kissed, when we hugged, Hyehyun was always there.

“Were Yeonseon and I just friends? Don’t you know best what kind of relationship we had? Did we look like friends to you?”

At the time, Hyehyun was always a few steps away, watching us with a complex face. He wasn’t embarrassed or annoyed. He just watched with his fist clenched tightly. I didn’t see any emotion in his face, but the doggedness in his eyes reminded me of my mother’s surveillance cameras.

Looking back, it was just a bit absurd. I couldn’t believe that I naively believed Yeonseon when he told me that Hyehyun was going through a lot because of me. I was foolish for thinking that even after meeting his glares.

After all, when someone does something crazy, there is surely another person fanning the flames.

Hyehyun sighed deeply then tentatively said, “…Do you think I watched because I wanted to? I only listened to Yeonseon’s request because I felt bad for him.”

Right, I knew he would say that. His reply didn’t go beyond my expectations at all, and I rubbed my face with my hands. His words gnawed at my resolve to bear with him for a while.

“And what else should I call you but friends? Did you ever go out with each other? I never heard anything of the sort from Yeonseon. Or did the two of you really go out when I wasn’t there?” One corner of Hyehyun’s lips pulled up in a smirk. The disdain in his voice was familiar to me. “He couldn’t even talk to you properly when I wasn’t there. Are you telling me he asked you out?”

“…”

“There’s no way he did.”

When Yeonseon wasn’t there, Hyehyun always mocked his brother like this. “Haeseo, don’t you feel miserable? Why my brother of all people? Don’t you also hate being seen by others? Yet you still like my brother? Isn’t it awful? I think I would hate it. No matter how much I like the other person, I don’t think I could live with it.” He always looked at me with a face that told me he couldn’t understand me.

“Do you like him that much?”

I shouldn’t have said yes to that. I regretted that once again.

Well, what was the point of thinking of it now? The dead would never come back to life. No matter how many strange things I experienced, I had never seen a miracle of that sort. Once something was lost, it was lost forever.

“I can’t stand it anymore. If you’re going to be like this, I think you should be alone.” I pocketed the eraser and stood up.

Only then did Hyehyun realize his mistake and called after me. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Do you think I’d have an appetite after this conversation?”

Hyehyun took wide steps toward me and grabbed my arm. As I raised my arm in annoyance, he said pleadingly, “Haeseo, why are you like this, seriously? You were the one who asked me to help you, but why are you acting so snappy? Do you think I’m listening to your request because I have spare time? When I think that you didn’t even show up to Yeonseon’s funeral, I get so mad…”

“…”

“I get so mad that I end up talking back like this. Really. I’m serious.”

I guess the time he spent watching me and Yeonseon didn’t all go to waste because Hyehyun knew exactly how to handle me. He knew that my anger would subside if he used Yeonseon’s funeral against me. He implied that even though he misspoke, I was also in the wrong. I could see his intent so clearly that I shuddered, but I had no choice but to stay calm as long as he used Yeonseon against me.