I Couldn't Tell You Who It Was

What Yeonseon wanted was not a fleeting peck one would give when no one was looking. No, he wanted to do much more. These were things that could be easily solved just by dating—or at least, that was the case for me. But Yeonseon had an issue that stopped him from doing that.

One day, Yeonseon rubbed his face several times with his hands then asked, “Can I kiss you in front of Hyehyun?”

When Yeonseon removed his hands, I saw that his face was twisted into a grimace. He seemed to think that I would angrily refuse his request. Fortunately for him, since I liked him very much, I had built up somewhat of an immunity to his abnormal situation.

“Why do we need to? If there’s a reason, tell me.”

Yeonseon fell silent for a while then started by apologizing, “I’m really sorry.”

He didn’t know where to start, so his explanation was all over the place. Plus, it was long-winded for no reason. The numerous apologies muddled in his speech only exacerbated this problem. As I listened to his confession, my thoughts wandered to someplace quite random. ‘Oh, I guess I didn’t really want to hear his reasons. If he wanted, I already had the mind to do as he wished without listening to any opinions.’

The only reason I asked wasn’t so I could decide whether I wanted to listen to his request; it was because I wanted to understand him. Yeonseon rarely talked about himself. This was the first time I’d seen him so unconfident about himself.

His confession was simple. When it was just us two, there was a lot he couldn’t do because of his mental blocks. Thus, he wanted to do it when Hyehyun was present. Of course, if I didn’t want to, he wouldn’t do it. He said he could be satisfied with just light touches like now.

‘Poor Hyehyun,’ I thought at the time. His only crime was having a brother like Yeonseon, and yet he was forced to become a voyeuristic pervert. Hyehyun often stepped up to help Yeonseon, but I thought Hyehyun did that because he had a kind heart. So this was why he wanted to help us.

Despite meeting each other frequently, I hadn’t talked to Hyehyun very much. Not only did I not talk much, but Hyehyun also didn’t try to hold a conversation with me. Thus far, I could only speculate most of the time about the meaning behind Hyehyun’s gaze and speech.

I thought Hyehyun hated me.

Hyehyun wanted to follow Yeonseon wherever he went and their relationship didn’t look too bad, so I thought that he disapproved that someone like me was always with Yeonseon. I couldn’t believe that Hyehyun assertively offered to help.

If it were now, I would have frowned immediately and asked what his motives were, but at the time, I was drunk on the sweetness of love, so I only felt gratitude. Besides, he was the younger brother of my dear Yeonseon. It meant that he was a person in a position that I felt bad about doubting easily.

…After his confession, Yeonseon’s head was lowered like he was a criminal awaiting execution. I thought the shape of his nape that became exposed was pretty. His neck was pale from nervousness and had goosebumps. As if that wasn’t enough, he was also breaking out into a cold sweat, which sparkled as the fluorescent light bounced off of it.

The last apology that he said sounded tearful.

“…” I felt a shudder down my spine, realizing that his confession just now pushed him this far. I could picture him balancing his desires and his idiosyncrasy when I wasn’t with him. I imagined Yeonseon wanted to lick, bite and touch me in the most private places. I too wanted to touch the person that I loved.

“You don’t look like you want it either,” I stated and Yeonseon’s head snapped back up. I knew that Hyehyun was listening to our conversation, but I tried my best to ignore him. For our future, I needed to get used to his eyes and presence. I looked into Yeonseon’s eyes which were cloudier than his usual clear eyes and asked, “Do you want to kiss me even going to that extent?”

Yeonseon stuttered, “I-I want to. But it’s fine now. If you don’t want to, just forget it. I guess I lost my mind for a moment. Sorry, hearing this kind of strange request, you must have felt disgusted…”

I thought that he was the one spouting nonsense. Why should I feel disgusted?

The one who should have felt disgusted here was Hyehyun. He was the one who was the biggest victim of his brother’s diathesis. Did I feel grossed out by Yeonseon’s desires to touch me no matter the method? No, not at all.

In all honesty… I was elated at Yeonseon’s desperation that pushed him to the edge of a cliff. I was honestly delighted that the amicable Yeonseon had gone so far as to think of this bizarre method. My heart trembled at his insane thirst.