I'd Give Up The World For You

Elaine thought everything was going well until Silas asked her a question that made her choke on her strawberry tart. "Elaine, did you give me permission to use your given name because you like me?"

So straightforward! She hadn't been expecting that from him since he had never been this blunt with her before.

"What other reason could I possibly have?" she coughed, trying to deflect and get control of her watery eyes at the same time.

"I don't know…" he said hesitantly. "But it was rather sudden, though not unwelcome."

Elaine managed to regain her composure after taking a sip of water. She needed to answer this correctly. It seemed he might be catching on to what she was trying to do and that wasn't allowed.

She smiled at him and reached out shyly to take his hand on top of the table. "Well, we have been seeing each other for a while. The timing seemed right to me. And I thought it a shame that no one ever uses your given name. It suits you."

Silas blinked at her in surprise. "Does it really? No one has ever told me that before."

"It does. No one in all the capital calls you Silas, do they?"

"No…I see it in letters from my aunt but that's it. Sarielle has always called me Si so when she writes that's how she addresses me. In the army everyone calls each other by their last names."

Sarielle was his much beloved little sister who had some sort of chronic illness. He had confided that she was the reason he joined the army in the first place because even the lowest-ranked soldier was paid well enough to afford her medicine.

Before his father died he had been handy with a sword and taught Silas everything he knew, allowing him to jump straight to being a third-rank soldier when he joined up. Sixth-ranks were people who didn't know anything beforehand and had to be taught how to fight.

It had come up one day when she mentioned she had come to the capital to send money home to her family as the oldest child. Her younger brother Clayton was still too young to enter the workforce but one of her sisters had gotten married and the other worked as a seamstress now.

That was why she wanted to get married. If she did that her family wouldn't expect her to provide for them anymore because she would be part of a different household. She wouldn't have to work as hard either.

"Everyone deserves to be called by their given name now and then. It may as well come from me since we see each other so often," Elaine said lightly, hoping he bought it.

She wasn't expecting his next question either. "Do you plan on continuing to see me often then?"

What was going on with him today?! How was she supposed to answer that?

"Yes, if that's alright with you. It would be nice if we could see each other even more often if our schedules weren't in the way," Elaine replied diplomatically.

She didn't see anything wrong with her answer but Silas sighed and looked at her with a wearier expression than she had ever seen from him. He pulled his hand away and she felt a strange sense of foreboding.

"Elaine, I really can't take much more of this. Quit beating around the bush and tell me what you want. Out of life but more specifically from me. If you're trying to use me to escape the laundry room but would use anyone to do it I'm not interested."

How had he guessed?! She had been so careful!

Mind racing frantically, Elaine tried to think of any possible way she could get out of this without telling the truth. But if he already suspected her he would see through her in a heartbeat.

"All I've ever wanted out of life is to live comfortably," she said quietly, knowing she was beaten at her own game. "I hate being poor and having to support my mother and siblings since my father died. My sister Camilla got married and was able to do things her way for the first time in her life and I was so jealous I couldn't stand it.

"So yes, I want to get married so I can be taken care of, but I didn't think I would get lucky enough to meet someone like you. You're a good man, Silas, and those are in short supply. I do enjoy your company. If nothing else, I hope you believe that."

Silas folded his hands on the table and didn't meet her eyes. "That's what I thought. I'm sorry but I won't marry someone for the sake of convenience. At the very least I want to marry someone who cares about me that I can be friends with rather than acting as two strangers under one roof."

Elaine could sense the sour decay of something ending and began to panic. "I can do that! Can you at least let me try?"

"Haven't you pretended enough? Doesn't it get tiring? I've seen bits and pieces of the real you and it's very different from what you present to people you're trying to impress. Just be yourself, Elaine."

He stood to go and for reasons she couldn't explain even to herself she reached out blindly and grabbed his hand to stop him. "Wait! Please wait. I didn't think anyone would like the real me. I've been accused of being silly and too opinionated in the past so I hid those things but if I be myself can you give me another chance?"

"Why does it matter?"

Why did it matter? Elaine didn't know why she had been so panicked at the thought of never seeing him again. She couldn't have possibly gotten attached to her prey, could she?

She thought about how considerate Silas was, the way he laughed when he found something amusing, and his dimples when he smiled. Her stomach twisted at the thought of losing any of that.

"…because I actually like you," she admitted miserably.

His eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Yes. I thought love was pointless and only wanted to find someone I could live comfortably with but I was wrong. I…I don't want to lose you, Silas. I know the real me is nothing special and seeing it will probably make you change your mind about me but—"

Silas cut her off by unexpectedly pulling her in for a hug. "I'd very much like to get to know the real you. That's what I've been trying to do all this time."

Elaine's heart thudded against her ribs at the sudden contact. She had never been hugged by a man before but it felt good. She was very secure wrapped in his arms since he was so much taller than her.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He gave her one last squeeze before pulling away and picking up the remains of their breakfast to throw away. "Come on then. What would you like to do?"

Normally, she tried to do things she thought wouldn't bore him but in reality she wanted to go to the milliner's simply to admire the pretty hats. "Could we go to the milliner's? I can't afford anything but I do like to look."

Silas seemed satisfied by her answer and held out his hand. "Sounds good to me. If you like hats by all means let's look at hats."

Elaine had never felt so cherished. She knew it would be a terrible idea to let him go!

For the rest of the day they walked around holding hands and, though hesitant, she shared her true opinion on things they talked about from time to time. He was as rapt a listener as always and didn't seem to be judging her for it. In fact, he frequently asked for further elaboration because he wanted to hear more.

She had known he was one of the few decent ones but hadn't realized exactly how good he was until today. He truly cared about what she had to say. No one else, not even her family members, had ever done that. They always told her to shut up already.

After dinner Silas dropped her off at the gate to the servants' entrance as usual and had a soft sort of smile on his face. "I think I like the real Elaine Fairweather much better. She's fun to talk to."

Elaine's heart skipped a beat. She had never heard that before.

Impulsively, she stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. Blushing heavily, she stepped away and coughed. "I had fun today too. Thanks for listening to me."

"No, thank YOU for telling me what you really think. Goodnight, Elaine," Silas said before pressing a gentle kiss on the back of her hand in farewell as he usually did. It had never made her hand tingle before though.

"Goodnight!"

Elaine stumbled back to her quarters in a bit of a daze. Of all the dates she had been on with him this one was by far the best.. She was genuinely looking forward to the next one.