I'm a Walking Disaster With My Unwanted Virginity

There's a saying, 'All's fair in love and war.' Twenty years ago on a fateful day, Marcov Bronsky witnessed true beauty and learned it the hard way. 

He just came out of the university, totally broke. He was looking for a job, a stable, not so dangerous job: definitely not an explorer job. The mere fact that he had no way to pay next month's rent bothered him more than the fact that he'd probably have to be single for the rest of his life. 

He was an average-looking guy with no money. Girls didn't flock around him and when he – after gathering all his courage for days - proposed, everyone just laughed at him. It was a cruel reality but a reality he'd already accepted. He knew he wasn't cut out for all that romance and stuff.

And that's why on that fateful day, Marcov headed for a small office hiring plumbers. He didn't like it but at least he'd have a future: at least he'd have money and at least he'd be able to pay rent. 

He was in a gloomy mood and nothing cheered him. His parents had already passed away leaving him nothing but more burdens. Sometimes he wondered, 'what if I just died? Would anyone miss me?' Fate was really cruel, as no one would have.

"You have bird poop on you." A voice reached out to the gloomy man.

For a second Marcov looked around, thinking it might have been someone who mistook him for someone else. And once he turned around, he noticed a young girl, probably sixteen gazing at his head with a lot of curiosity. 

The two were by an abandoned road. Cars these days traveled more on air and water than land anyway.

"What?"                                                                                                     

"You have bird poo on your head."  The girl was fairly beautiful. Perhaps not a supermodel, but definitely beautiful enough to make Marcov's heart flutter. Her voice calmed his soul. He could almost melt. 

But he knew better than to hit on young girls. "Oh-" He touched his hair and surely there was white watery stuff on his head. He was so engrossed in thoughts that he'd forgotten about everything else. And after feeling it for a second his whole body shivered with disgustedness.

Seeing the dumb look on Marcov's face, the girl giggled. Marcov was hurt for a second but when he saw her smile, his life got a bit brighter. 

"Marcov." He spread his hand towards the girl: he made sure it wasn't the same hand he touched his head with. "I'm Marcov." It was his way of showing decency.

Even if he had shown up at the office, he wasn't going to be hired. After all, how would he clean up human mess when he couldn't even clean up something as simple as a bird's?

"Susan." The girl shook his hands and that's how Marcov met the girl he was destined for. 

Though this day was the happiest day in his life, this was also the day, he regretted more than anything else.

***

After five years of dating, fighting, and quarreling, Marcov married Susan and for the most part, it was a happy marriage. 

Marcov had gotten a job at the old mailing company that still dealt with written letters of the bygone era. The job was unstable but it paid enough for them to live happily. And if he could work for five years or so with diligence, even becoming the floor manager might not have been a dream.

But after a year or so, things began to change. Susan was infertile. Both of them consulted hundreds of doctors and healers but it was a rare mutation and very much incurable. 

Happiness turned into gloom and eventually resulted in fights. Susan was much stronger than Marcov and as Marcov always had a tendency to run away from a fight, he'd run from his wife too. In the beginning, it was a day or two at best. But as time went on, Marcov spent less and less time in their home. 

Susan was already lonely and now that her husband was basically non-existent in her life, it drove her mad. She brought loads and loads of pets but they couldn't fulfill her. 

Eventually, she turned violent. Susan loved her husband. And the lack of children did bother her, but not as much as she missed her husband. So as time went on, it was more like stalking with small grains of violence than actual violence.

***

Marcov entered Helio's room with Miss Hary. He had a long chat with the headmaster just before this. Things were good. He was away from home and this was an island with a small beach. Now that he was done with his excuse- the excuse of warning Helio, he could get down to his main mission. The mission of enjoying a little bit of alone time. 

Maybe bringing his secretary wasn't such a good idea as he had no intention of cheating, but even he couldn't really say no to company. He was more than just lonely. Maybe just a little bit of cheating, wouldn't harm anyone, right?

With an enlightened face, he knocked and entered the room, and to his surprise, only one guy was inside: Merin.

Helio was already out and that concluded his excuse. 'Well, I guess I can take a break now.'

But as he was about to get out of the room he noticed something in the distant sky. Something floating. 'It couldn't be?'

He was skeptical so he went closer to the window. And without a doubt, there was a flying thing up there. 'It could only mean-'

His wife was here: Susan was here. 

He started panicking. This was bad. If he got caught now, he'd get minced for sure, but he also wouldn't be able to enjoy his small vacation. 

"What's wrong?" Miss Hary asked. 

But Marcov said nothing, sweat pouring through his glands.

It took him more than enough convincing to get this small vacation. He was a floor manager and very close to becoming the CEO. Though the company was supposed to be a temporary job, he worked hard and the company survived partially thanks to him, so it wasn't so bad. But getting holidays still was. For some reason, no one wanted him out of the office. And he was paid generously for it too. Almost as if, someone had threatened everyone else to keep him there.

But there was still time. If her pet was still up in the air, it meant she was also up there. Susan had terrible sense of direction, so he wasn't totally screwed, at least not yet. 

Merin watched all of this with curiosity. He didn't really understand much of it, but this did strike him as amusing. Maybe spending so much time alone in his room had finally made his head go a bit funny. Or maybe he was always like that. 

Marcov took a deep breath and with Miss Hary blitzed out of the room, only to stop at the door. Someone was climbing the stairs. And he knew that someone very well. He could never mistake that voice and the sound of those footsteps. That soothing, almost lovable voice. The same voice that he was running away from. 

"Miss Hary?"

"Yes?"

"Let's get out." There was no panic in his voice. He turned like a clunky robot. It was almost as though he was a badly oiled machine, if not worse.

Both of them got into the room again and locked it from the inside. 

They looked at each other and then at Merin. "Sorry kid." Marcov gave Hary the signal. And both of them gagged Merin. 

Merin, not knowing what was happening to him, just went with the flow. Even this was kind of amusing, at least it started as amusing but when he realized, this wasn't some joke, he was definitely not amused, not anymore.

Knock! knock!

There were knocks on the door. Helio had brought a storm with him. He'd bought Susan. 

Marcov's sweat, drenched the floor and his heart raced. The window was open but the fall was pretty high. 

He turned the lights off and neared the window.

'Well, you only live once.'

***

Limping on one leg, Marcov made way to the nearest bench. His partner had decided against jumping and just hid beneath the bed instead. But then again Miss Hary wasn't being hunted anyway. So even if Susan did notice her, nothing would have happened.

Marcov reached the bench and he was out of breath.

"Look at you, crawling like a bug." A man in suit approached him.

Marcov sat down and smirked. "We both know who's the bug, so what gives?"

The smile on the man in suit crumbled and he looked more than just pissed. "I'm kind of in a bad mood. So run your mouth more than necessary and you won't really have a mouth anymore."

"Well, I'm kind of a coward, so-" Marcov himself was agitated but the smirk on his face was still there.

"You-" The man flared. "I'll smash you to the ground!"

"Which part of I don't wanna fight didn't you get?" Marcov sighed. First his wife, now this moron? 'Maybe I shouldn't have come.'

Was the world only filled with idiots?