I'm still alive

He seemed a bit mature, but Yongpal was indeed Yongpal. Yong-pal, who suddenly faced me, who had been missing since leaving with the old man that day, was confused for a long time whether this was a dream or not. But when I opened my trembling mouth and spoke to him, he stood up and jumped at me.

The noisy entrance office was further confused by the sudden action of the dragon-pal, and I had to hold a bitter smile in my arms for a while. And asked in a quivering voice what I needed to know first.

"The training and the old man...…?’

It was such a painful memory that I wouldn't think about it. Whenever I remember the two being swept away by the Han River that day, my whole body aches and my heart aches as if I have a hole in my heart. The scene, which seemed to remain traumatized forever, I forgot the past for a while to live, and only continued my own comfort that they would surely be alive.

But contrary to my worries, Yongpal kept wiping away his tears and telling me the happy news. And the moment I heard the answer, my legs relaxed and I sat in the chair weakly.

My sister is being treated at the hospital. The old man's on his way to find you as soon as he's been treated....... Ah! Brother, wait here for a moment! I'll be right back! Wait a minute!'

Yongpal, who had been crying, blowing and making noise next to me for a long time, ran busily somewhere after the story of the two who escaped safely. Perhaps he went to send a radio message to an elderly man and his party who are still searching outside.

As soon as Yong-pal disappeared, the entrance office was momentarily enveloped in silence, and I sat in the middle of it and stared blankly at the ceiling. A sigh of relief came from his mouth, and as soon as he heard that the two were safe, his whole body muscles relaxed.

People are talking. The refugees, who were about to enter Eden, sneaked a glance at me, and the guards who were watching here kept whispering my name and making eye contact with me. In the eyes of the guards and staff, there was joy, as well as respect and reverence for the persistently surviving survivor.

It feels real. The reason I didn't let them go to the end is that I'm finally getting rewarded now. My house, my nest. When I felt completely safe, I stretched myself like a corpse.

'Oh, mister......... We're safe now, right?’

Is it because of the many eyes I can feel around me? A woman who's been hovering around me for a while now comes up and talks to me. Look at that tone of voice, if you'll be more comfortable with me for one more day, I'll be friendly to talk informally to you.

But she was still the object of caution to me, and an outsider who had to rip off all the secrets she was hiding. Later, when the old man came, he had to interrogate the woman in earnest and obtain solid information at all costs.

‘…….’

But I decided to be as gentle as I could until the old man came and let her go. Because I didn't want to make a fuss over a woman who was willing to tell her everything and cooperate with her since the first meeting.

Is there a need to step up and do something I hate? I wish women were people who talk on the phone.

But it's weird. I opened my mouth to answer her, but my voice hasn't come out since a while ago. What is it? I was looking at the floor, and my whole body hardened as if I were facing Medusa. The ears ring and the eyes begin to blur.

'Excuse me...... mister?'

The mind is sound. But I couldn't even lift a finger. I drop my head in that posture like a stopped video.

with a throb

The sound of a small heart and regular exhalation. I desperately tried to turn my eyes around, but my body doesn't listen. And at that moment the woman who was talking behind me gently grabbed me by the shoulder, and I fell to the floor under that little force.

Yap!

The woman who had held my shoulder screamed, and the voices that had been whispering from all sides stopped for a moment.

To flop.

I realized that I had discharged myself by hitting my face on the floor. Yes, Dongyoon. You managed to hold out until here. The body, which had driven the limits behind it, eventually collapsed when it reached a safe place.

Cold breaths burst out of the mouth, and the trembling fingertips only stop moving in search of stability. As I gently open my eyes, the guards and staff running from far away come into view.

Blink, blink.

I was attracted to them, just like a doll, blinking, and soon carried out of the office quickly on the back of a guard.

I began to draw out the last force, looking at the rapidly changing horizons. And I managed to squeeze everything out of my mouth a little word.

'Oh no....'

That was all I had to say.

* * *

Sometimes I run away from death and when I get home, I think about the reason for my life for a long time. Why do I have to live, and why do I live like this? I keep asking myself a pretty philosophical question. But no one gave a definite answer to the question, as many other humans have done. And of course it was the same for me.

But I often sleep with this conclusion every day. The answer to the question is not in hand, but it can feel like a passing wind. And the more you have, the more you get, the more you get out of the water like the grains of sand you catch. I swam for a long time in deep unconsciousness, and met a shining star at the end.

When I opened my eyes, the hospital ceiling came into view. I struggle to move my lethargic body and turn my head toward the seeming attraction next to me. Then there was an old man sitting in a small chair, quietly sipping his tea.

The half-white hair had turned into full white hair, and the wrinkles I saw that day were rougher and deeper. What a dwarfed old man. But that back has always been a strong pillar for my front and back, unlike my small physique. I gulped down my saliva and wet my neck. And at that moment the old man looked back at me and said,

Did you wake up?

I answered.

Have you eaten?’

The old man answers.

'I was waiting to eat with you.’

I looked up, brooding over the answer. Then he gazed at the ceiling, sighed and exhaled. The pain that had been endured throughout the walk had long disappeared, and only tiredness remained in the body with a slight muscle ache.

I slowly raised my upper body and leaned my back against the wall, and looked around, clearing away the hospital blanket that was tightly covering me. It's a familiar hospital room. Whenever I was hurt and sick, I always came here to get treatment. I spoke to the old man.

Where did you get around with that body?’

Next to the old man was a wooden cane. How many times the cane had been clinging on for days, the handle was full of rough cuts, and the end of the cane had already been sweetened, turning blunt. That day the old man had been hit with a bolt on his leg. Originally, it was right to lie down in the hospital room and receive treatment like me.

But the old man looked for me as if he could never, and continued an endless search outside until the day I arrived. He was an old man who was nagging at me every time. But the old man was as foolish and foolish as I was.

The old man answers me like this.

'I couldn't lie down. I haven't given up yet, why do you always say this in your dreams? Just go, leave me behind. But... ...you should be able to.’

Death is always with us. It was this city that could lose its life right away tomorrow even if it smiles today. Scary, fearful, and terror always comes upon us. The tears have never dried up, and now the sorrow will dry up and become like a land of divided hearts.

Will we one day become emotional monsters? Should I accept it and leave sorrow behind, as it was such a familiar reality even if my colleague died? No, maybe not.

There was only one thing that did not change in reality, such as wild currents. It has no answer, but it has an answer. Something you can't catch, but you can feel. Without a modifiable word, it was not only me, but also a small candle that we had after our arduous journey and death. I could find one of those little candles in the old man's tears.

'Don't do that again.’

The old man asked me in a choked voice. The voice that I asked to go with the eyes that I showed before I was pushed into the Han River. They didn't leave my head as if they were imprints on me.

And I could see how selfish I was through the old man's short words. Don't ever do that again. It was an old man's mournful request not to abandon himself again. I answered with a nod.

'I'm sorry.'

And thank you.

* * *

The morning came, and I got out of my sickbed. Of course there was the nurse's call for more rest, but as always I threw that advice and tried to make an escape. It reminds me of the story I had with an old man over dinner last night. The situation after I went missing and the condition of Kang Soo-ryeon still lying in the hospital room for treatment. After hearing the whole story, I couldn't just lie still in my sickbed.

First of all, I tried to visit Kang Soo-ryeon and Chae-yeon, but it was Kim Chul who came into the hospital room, not the elderly or the party. Kang Soo-ryeon's current ward was one of the few intensive care units in the hospital.

It was such a serious wound, and it was an emergency that would have died if it had not been for Kim Chul. However, thanks to the medical staff who put all their efforts into it, Kang was able to overcome the crisis and is now entering a full recovery period, Kim Chul said.

Now, all you have to do is wait until your consciousness is fully awake. However, Kim Chul burst into tears and said, "It would be better to give her some time to think about her, who will burn away her emotions." Of course, I wanted to meet her as soon as possible to see if she was okay or not, so I hesitated for a long time, but in the end I decided to follow the expert's advice and nodded.

Decades of talking so much and taking care of things, I was caught by Gil Chul, who was trying to get out of the way. In the end, Kim Chul nags next to him, and the old man nags in front of him as he is being treated again by washing the bandages again. I suffered for a long time in a place like a nervous breakdown and ended up having to surrender.

'So who is she?'

Changing into a clean bandage, I was able to get a short free time after an assessment. And walking along the leisurely Eden street with the old man, I began to talk about the woman I brought yesterday.

Soon after I collapsed, the woman was said to have kept her place. And the guards, who I thought were my companion, took her to the hospital, and it was reported that she was being treated well.

Fortunately, I breathed a sigh thinking of the woman who had been held well. And told the old man a brief story of the day. The old man, who had held my story silently, stopped walking with his cane clenched, and looked at me with a stiff, stiff face.

Yes, the old man also guessed that things were twisted to the odd side. We looked around to see if there were no ears to hear, and soon agreed that we should interrogate her to get all the information. But the old man persuaded me, saying that he would try to find a place and time, as if he thought it was too much right now.

And we broke up on the spot, promising to meet again after sunset.

After breaking up with the old man, I thought about visiting Chae-yeon right away, but realized that I still had about 50 minutes left in school. It's an ambiguous time. Of course, I wanted to run to school right away and cry for early leave, but I couldn't because I was afraid bad rumors about Chae-yeon would spread.

I thought for a while tapping my wristwatch with my finger, and eventually moved my steps toward another destination. Before going to school, I will buy a lot of snacks that Chae-yeon likes, and go to the office to meet other people who are waiting for me.

Warm sunshine, cold but refreshing wind passes through my face. I walked off to the office, enjoying the peace I felt after a long time.