I'm still alive

The failure to keep a diary was telling us that he was that busy. The diary was written a week after the Wall was attacked.]

*

'Director, you have to leave the scene.’

As I was lowering my sleeves to draw blood, Kim Chul, who was sitting expressionless in that corner of the hospital bed, asked me with a stiff face. Of course, the same was true of a lab man who was maintaining his gloom after seeing test results nearby.

The request was a subtle mixture of sadness and the feeling of asking, but his grief was even greater because I knew why I was doing this. I neatly lowered my sleeve with a look of no emotion.

'I'm not just saying it. The progress has been telling us. The more you fight and come into contact with them, the faster the bowels become. You know it's not a coincidence, you know it yourself. So......'

When I didn't answer, Kim Chul spoke in a hurry again. But his urging was stopped by my actions of getting up and wearing a coat. I have a blood test once a day today. Despite Eden's confusion, there was a lot of trouble between the two who looked after my condition.

And their faces, which had been telling me the good news of slow metamorphosis just a few days ago, began to get darker and darker from the time I started fighting for a day away.

The city's rules that we knew have changed for a moment since the men came in with huge waves that day. Those who didn't give up attacked the barrier because the day was far away, and the people of Eden had to resort to defending the barrier to stop all their livelihoods.

I know you're there, we're definitely going to eat. I couldn't even sleep well at night, let alone go out of the barrier, because of these wailing-like men, day and night. It's already been a week for such a hard day to pass.

People began to get tired and fall endlessly and endlessly toward the abyss where there was nowhere else to fall. There was no more hope in the eyes of the people.

So I couldn't stay still. Every time I went to the Wall, people burned up their fighting spirit with strength, and the wounded didn't even care for their wounds and threw a crude spear at the Wall. Nobody here runs away. Just as I have those who are precious inside the wall, they are enduring endlessly with the same motives and mission as I am.

Every day is war. I threw my whole body into the war, and so naturally I had no choice but to bury the black blood. And in my hands they were constantly dying, but on the contrary, my mutation rate was getting faster and faster like a falling hope.

Those who want to deal with monsters, be careful not to become monsters themselves. Maybe I forgot the maxim and was dealing with them. The more I saved, the more I died, the more heartbroken I felt.

Please exclude my inspection schedule from tomorrow.’

'Leader of the group!"

"Mr. Dong-yoon!!

At my resolute answer, the lab man stood up in surprise, and Kim Chul protested by calling my name himself in rare cases. They have always accepted and followed legitimate instructions, but they harden their facial expressions to see if they can't follow this instruction. But I shook my head again and kept silent. Because I could know my condition without having to check it out.

The space in which I perceive time has become wider and wider. And I could feel their spirit without even turning my head. You shoot, you die. If you shoot, you're gone. The bullets never went off the mark, and my strength was becoming as grotesque as a hammering of their heads with a bayonet handle.

And sometimes when you kill them unconscious....... The black blood didn't dry out of my hands. Yeah, just like the mutants. I answered quietly to the two with stiff faces.

'We're running out of people. I don't want to waste my schedule to spend more than an hour on me. The lab will continue to study this phenomenon, and the hospital will take good care of the injured people.’

The barrier carried on the same struggle every day. But that didn't mean it was okay inside the barrier that didn't fight them. While we were at war with them, non-combat personnel inside the barrier were still running hard to back us up and support us.

The wounded were quickly taken to the hospital, and everyone, regardless of whether or not they care about the resources consumed by the barrier, was moved together and distributed. Perhaps without them, we would have had a number of people who would have been exhausted and retires or lost their lives.

And it was the same for hospitals and research institutes that were mobilizing all their manpower from within. Research centers that have been staying up all night for three days and hospitals that attract dozens of patients an hour are as suffering as we are fighting on the Wall. I couldn't give them a break, but I couldn't spare them an hour.

[Dong-yoon, I need you to come this way for a moment.]

I was thinking about how to calm the two, who seemed so angry, when the radio on the front island rang loudly and the old man's voice came. The old man's request to wait for my instructions and help, though calm, can never be ignored.

That's why these two opposing people also sighed slowly and made the way for me to get out. I tried to avoid looking at them and took out the radio, and opened the door of the room with an answer that I was about to leave.

'Mr. Dong-yoon.'

But at that moment, it was the voice of Kim Cheol, who had no strength, that held my hand to close the door of the hospital room. I stopped my hand trying to close the door, unable to turn a blind eye to the voice of deep sorrow and fatigue. Soon after, he looks at the iron with his dark circles and lickes his dry lips with tiredness. Kim Chul, who called me weak, said,

'Of course, there are many people who came to the hospital because they were injured. But more people are looking for a hospital because they are afraid of it. Psychosis, trauma, hallucinations, hallucinations, PTSD......... There are so many people who need psychiatric care that it's hard to list them all. But the reason they haven't collapsed yet is because the head of the group is alive and well.’

The heavy burden and burden weigh on my shoulders. The bond that resonates with the sound of a beating heart is concentrated on my source. The eyes of people looking up at me every time I go up the barrier, and the sound of me coming back to the dorm. I could understand what Kim Chul said more than anyone else. The reason I should only show them my back, the reason I can never show my weakness, was one of the driving forces that kept me up the barrier.

And personally, I......... I hope the group leader doesn't get sick.’

Kim Chul, who came to Eden and was responsible for my body and spirit until now. He didn't forget what he had to say to me as a doctor until the end. He quietly took off his magnifying glass. His young-looking hair had already begun to show a strand or two of white hair due to stress, and dark shadows were visible around his eyes with his glasses off. But that look at me anxiously hasn't changed at all from the beginning.

*

'Dongyoon.'

As soon as I left the hospital where the wounded groaned, the old man came up as if he had waited and took care of my gun and my great sword. I take equipment from the old man and inhale the disgusting burnt smell that passes through the tip of my nose. The black smoke that constantly rises from the Wall and the roadside of Eden, where the calm is now gone. I sighed loudly, stepping on the floor where the blood and the shells were rolling. Then those who waited for me to come out flock around me.

'How much fire do we have left?’

I first asked the silver-rimmed spectacles that rummaged through piles of dirty papers. Then the silver-rimmed glasses gave me a back page with complicated calculations written on it, as if they had waited for the question, and answered, trying hard to hide the gloom remaining in the voice.

'More firearms have been consumed in the last week than in the past in Eden. If you keep using it like now, you can only last about three days.’

The former head of the organization that created Eden had gathered weapons like worker ants for the future. However, firearms, which are not very large in volume, have already begun to show their bottom lines since the use of them has increased sharply recently.

The number of bullets distributed toward the barrier began to decrease, and the face of the silver-rimmed glasses in charge of the supply darkened day by day. I understood how I felt and handed the document back to the silver-rimmed glasses. And I asked what I had ordered before.

'Are Cross Bowes in production?’

'Yes, Mr. Teolbo is working with the production team. But we're running out of ingredients.….’

Automatic equipment and manual work are not comparable in itself. No matter how many people are mobilized, they won't be able to catch up with the amount of bolts consumed on the daily barrier. I frowned at the negative thoughts that continued to flock, and soon turned the topic to the next agenda with an answer to do my best. The busy meeting that followed in the middle of the street was waiting for my decision in various fields. And ten minutes to give them instructions, I could finally turn my head toward the old man who called me.

Where's the Wall this time? It's very late, let's go quickly.’

They're attacking the barrier just because the day is far away. Sometimes small and sometimes hundreds of them attack us irregularly and unmeasurable. So Eden was forced to keep his defense personnel on standby near the barrier, going through a precarious day.

For those with little combat experience and security, our rescue team has long been scattered to become team leaders in charge of each barrier. And I was always in charge of internal affairs, armed with the elderly, and in charge of supporting the barriers that are expected to require help.

And this time, I thought it was the same thing, so I hurried to move, but the old man shook his head and grabbed my shoulder, unlike usual. The old man's face looked strangely somber.

Dong-yoon, you need to go somewhere with me.’

The old man wasn't calling me for support from the Wall. Yeah, come to think of it, the battle reports coming from time to time are quiet now. Perhaps a rare period of time has come for them, so why did the busy old man come to see me?

But I could find the old man's eyes half sunk in sorrow before I asked him why. And in those eyes, I read the intention that I should follow quietly now. The old man patted me on the shoulder and swung around, and I walked in the footsteps of the old man without a word, along the side of Eden, where the chilly wind was blowing.

*

The place where I arrived was a residential area where we remembered staying in the early days of Eden. Of course, now that everyone is trying to defend the barrier, the residential complex has become an empty space with no sign of popularity, and only the occasional urgent smell of cooking was tickling my nose. And upon arriving here the old man skillfully led me through a narrow alley and into a little shabby villa. The strange feeling of coming coldly, I could smell familiar odors from the villa stairs that ascended towards the third floor.

'You're here.'

And when I arrived on the third floor, I could find an employee quietly sitting in front of the front door with the door open. What he was doing here, he was wearing neat clothes and white gloves and holding a small paper box containing something. And the face of the employee holding the box was not much different from the old man standing still beside me.

'Good work, take it.’

The old man, who closed his eyes quietly, directed the employee holding the box, and the employee, who seemed to have seen it once, bowed down to me and slowly withdrew from his seat.

Bug, bug.

In this space, where only silence resounded, the sound of the staff walking down the stairs. Like instinct, I turned my head and walked toward the porch, where a familiar smell came from.

There's definitely no door open, but the wind is blowing. Unlike the spring breeze that came outside, the wind still harbored the cold and dreary despair of winter. Ten pyeong, twelve pyeong? The shabby villa's room, though narrow, was hung everywhere with evidence that happy people were alive.

Pretty clothes, children's toys. the still lingering smell of baby milk powder And I found a small family picture hanging in the middle of the main room, and at the same time two plastic bags stacked under it.

Slowly I approached it and fell on one knee, and slightly rolled up two plastic bags covering a person's shape to identify the body in it. There was a young woman who seemed to be a mother and a young baby who now seemed to have passed a stone lying asleep. My hand, holding the sack, had been shaking quietly. Then the old man, who had come this way, whispered, covering the sack again.

'I got a report this morning and found it. He killed himself last night.’

'......why?'

Why? I certainly asked the old man, but he could answer enough for himself. The reason why a mother with a child who is just past her age should have committed suicide. The reason why he should have taken his child's life at this moment while surviving until now. I fully accepted the heartfelt feelings and felt the misery of becoming a mudslide, not resentment and sympathy toward them. The old man sweeps down his face with one hand and takes a black breath.

'My husband's a security guard working at the front door barrier. And three days ago, I lost my footing while fighting with them and fell to the outer barrier.’

The old man did not complete the long sentence. Stumble and fall to the outer barrier. Because the old man and I knew what it meant. Did they find the body? No, it would have been the last time a man fell into the middle of a man who tore everything apart.

And I was angry at myself, forcing myself against the old man. His voice shook constantly, and his heart, which did not tremble when confronted by thousands of them, was filled with guilt.

'We, we can help you enough. I'll give you give me food....... take care of the children and raise them for them....... where to sleep, where to wash......... I can do everything for you, but why...….’

'Dong Yoon Ah

I couldn't keep up with the gibberish. And the old man next to me listened quietly to the trouble, and finally held my hand, holding the sack tightly, and offering instead an apology for the harsh world.

'I'm so sorry.’

Suicide. It came to me more intensely and frighteningly than death, torn to death by them. That I was not pushed down by the cliff, but that I gave up everything and threw myself. I was speechless for a moment before the first death I had ever experienced in Eden.

I thought I could just hang in there. I thought I could survive if I successfully stopped them and provided enough food and shelter for my party and the people of Eden. But it was not hunger and tiredness that were eating us, but anxiety and unseen hope that there might be no tomorrow right away. Is this really the end of a self-throwing death?

We need hope. The pressure is on my body. The flames from hell burned and pushed my helpless heart into it. The pain of a hundred thousand hearts asked me endless questions mixed with ordeal, not a god or a hero.

The cold hands of a small child and the mother's image of the child's mother turned into an invoice overlap endlessly with the faces of my party and children. Memories pass by like a lantern. And the recollection that I should keep was pointing to me on the blocked road. I swept down the plastic bag with a trembling hand, while the other held the cold gun firmly.

I spoke to the old man.

When the sun sets, please call all the executives and rescue teams to the conference room except for the minimum number of people.’

A week of long fighting paralyzed everything in man. The project we had been working on for a long time was interrupted by a road blocked, and the endless crowd kept pushing us away so that we could not think of anything. But after enduring and enduring, I was able to realize the essence of this problem by facing a body that was so familiar and unfamiliar. I feel like I woke up from a long sleep. I faced a path of hardship that I had forgotten for some time.