Kimi no Sei de Kyō Mo Shinenai

[TLN: This was technically labeled chapter 0(because it’s essentially a prequel), but I didn’t want to confuse NU. It’s basically 7.5 anyway.]

“………”
It was early morning. As I stood on the station platform, basking in the clear, morning sunshine and waiting for the train that would take me to school, I gazed intently at the tracks below me, darkly fantasizing about what might happen if I jumped onto them.
In that case, I would get run over by the train, die, and I would never have to go to school again. Then, somebody, a person that I probably wouldn’t even know the name of, would be the one saying “it must have been really painful for her,” pitying me all the while. And then there would be the others, the ones that don’t know what to do, the ones that don’t know what to say.
I wonder how long it’s been since fantasizing about these delusions became the daily norm for me.
“…..I wish I could go back to sleep—”
Guess I have to pay the price now for staying up all night studying. The rays of bright sunlight pierced through me, making my eyes ache and sting.
I then proceeded to spend the whole day thinking “I want to sleep”–almost as much as I thought about wanting to die–and the day was over before I knew it. I felt so sick of spending each day like this.



I’m sure that people see me as beautiful, smart, athletic, kind, popular, and whatever else…I’m not saying this to boast or whatever either. If anything, I think it would be even more distasteful if I just acted like I was unaware of it. In the first place, these “titles” are just large sources of burden for me.
It wasn’t always that way, though. In the beginning, I certainly was a lot brighter, and, back then, hearing people compliment me did make me feel a little proud of myself.
But the people around me kept expecting me to go higher and higher, to reach even greater heights. I’m at the point where I can barely hold myself up anymore. The oxygen is getting thin; It has become increasingly difficult for me to breathe. It only feels more and more suffocating
Even so, I haven’t stopped. 
I hate myself for being so weak. I don’t want to be perfect, but, at the same time, I want to be perfect. I’ve never been “not perfect” before, so I’m scared of what might happen if my “perfect”-ness fades. But maintaining this status quo has only gotten harder and harder.
Each morning, I wake up at 6 to study for the day’s quiz. They’re peer-graded by the person sitting next to you, so I need to make sure to get at minimum a 90%.
And then, at school, I have to make sure to not do or say anything that will overstep the boundaries of the “Mitsumine Iroha” persona that I have created. After getting through all that,  since I don’t have any after clubs after school, I go home at 5 and work on the assignments due tomorrow and then review. On the days I have class committee work, I start a bit later.
And it’s because of this vague image of an “honor student that can do anything and somehow manage to make it work out,” that I end up having to do all the committee work each time. I’m honestly sick of it. Even so, I know that I “should” be the one doing it, and, to begin with, it’s not like I can actually refuse. 
After that, since my parents come home late, I’m forced to cook dinner and eat alone at night, after which I take a bath, check my smartphone for all the new notifications that have popped up, and then study until 2 AM so that I can get a good grade on the upcoming tests. The days that I can get 4 hours of sleep are considered good days. 
This tedious sequence of events is basically every single day for me.
Well, today was a bad day again, so I only got 3 hours of sleep, though.
I’ve been even more overworked lately, but my workload is only increasing because I’m not strong enough to refuse people’s requests, and I can’t bring myself to rely on others.
Well, even my daily fantasies of jumping onto the train tracks were less intense at first. Things like hoping that there would be a huge typhoon the next day so I would have a day off from school, or hoping that I woke up with a fever so I wouldn’t have to try so hard, or wishing a meteorite would strike the school so I could stay at home. Stuff like that.
It never turned out that way, though, so my mind has been slowly moving closer and closer to “that” method.
Even though I have friends. Even though my parents are kind. Because, in the end, that’s just because I’m a good girl. It’s because I’m the perfect Mitsumine Iroha. 
As soon as the gilding’s peeled off, I might instantly become hated.
I can’t even bring myself to trust my own parents and friends, nor can I bring myself to show anyone my true self.
And realizing this, I came to the conclusion that it could be anyone in my position. Even if I died, I don’t think that anyone would truly feel sad, and that just makes me feel like dying all the more. I’m all alone, sinking in despair.
—-That’s why, lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be great if I could die soon.
I’m sure that I’ve actually been thinking this on the inside for a long time now. More than destroying the school or anything else, it would be better for me to just die. It would be faster and less damaging anyway. It would be the better solution.
And, that way, I’m guaranteed to disappear.
“……..Ah.”
The wind blew softly. My skirt swayed in the air. The school-bound train spat out an abominable “pshhhhhh” sound, stopping right in front of me.
—I guess I somehow managed to survive another day.
Thinking such tedious thoughts, I took off my headphones, which weren’t actually playing any music, and shoved them into my bag. As soon as I get onto the train, there’ll be a bunch of people in my class that will definitely try to approach me, so the “wearing headphones” human-repellant won’t be effective anymore. Having to talk with people is a pain in the ass, but taking a different train will make it seem like I’m avoiding them, so I can’t do that either. 
Also, these headphones broke a long time ago.
There’s no music playing from them.
“Iroha-chan, good morning~! You really look like a goddess today too~~”
“Good morning. Fufu, thank you for always saying that.” 
I’m not planning on getting new headphones. Part of the reason is because I’m intentionally trying not to listen to the popular songs that I used to love—Because I realized that the “you” referenced in those songs and lyrics are nowhere to be found. And because whenever I listen to lyrics that strangely resemble my feelings, I feel like I am being forced to acknowledge that this desire for death is not something that is truly “mine,” and that scares me.



“Ugh—-I can’t do it anymore…I wish I could die.”
My tedious, constrained daily life, where I had to drain all my energy just to keep up, continued.
Continued, continued, continued, continued, continued, and continued.
I continued to try to act and maintain my facade of perfection.
“I want to die.”
Today’s weather is really nice.
And, suddenly, like a tight thread had finally snapped, I truly felt like dying.
It was right at the beginning of July, during my second year of high school.
At one point, I had thought that my daily life, which I was so fed up with, might finally change. I had thought that me entering my second year of high school would mean a shift.
It had really just felt that way to me, that was all. I had gotten better at reading the air and figuring out and doing what people expected from me, and so, during April at the start of the new school year, I had been hopeful. Then, during May, I had tried to change things. Finally, during June I had been questioning everything, and when that ended, there was July, the month where I came to the sudden decision to die. That was today.
…..That’s a lie. It wasn’t a sudden decision.
“Mitsumine, have you decided on where you want to go to college? You’re the star of your year and everyone is expecting a lot from you, so you should be properly considering where you want to go.”
“Mitsumine-san! I love you, please become mine!!”
“Iroha-chan you sure are great huh—. You must have nothing to worry about. I’m really jealous.”
Words and phrases almost identical to those were repeated in my head over and over again, like the images of a broken television.
I was being continuously worn out by my everyday life–teachers with excessive expectations, public confessions from people whose names I didn’t even know, open displays of jealousy–All of it took a toll on me.
To begin with, I never actually liked studying, and I can’t “be yours” because I’m not a thing, and I definitely do have my own worries–Enough worries to the point where I want to die. I just do my best to live my life hiding them so they aren’t visible.
I swallowed those words, gave a friendly smile, and instead gave the obvious, inoffensive reply.
But that was all. That was all I could say. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“If it hurts so much that you want to die, you can quit. It’s fine to run away.”
These lines that I hear so often in dramas and manga are no use in the truly important situations.
They’re only fiction, after all.
In the first place, if it was so simple to just run away, I wouldn’t have suffered so much. If it was so simple, it would’ve been the first option that those who are cornered, like me, would pick.
It’s worse to run and easier to die, so I would honestly rather pass on.
Also, lines like those can only be spoken to suicidal children who are openly depressed and have visible problems. The death wish of an above average person is colorless and invisible. Just like me, they do their best to hide it so the people around them cannot see it–Because, apparently, it is unforgivable and disgusting for someone in a “good” position to want to commit suicide.
“Should I hang myself or should I jump…The weather’s nice today, so I might as well jump from the roof.”
As soon as I made up my mind, I acted quickly. First, I went to the staff room and stole the keys to access the rooftop. Because of my reputation as an honors student, even if I do things that are a bit suspicious, no one will come question me anyway.
Then I pretended to leave early and instead went up to the rooftop.
The yellow caution tape hanging on the stairs stating “no entry” threatened to diminish my resolve, but I was past that now.
“I won’t be stopped by something like this,” I muttered to myself before stomping hard on the tape and moving past it.
As I climbed up one step after another, my pounding heart began to beat louder and louder, as if it was trying to cry out because this would be the last time it would beat.
I reached the top of the staircase, and, using the key I stole, I opened up the dusty door, before quickly locking it behind me.
There used to be two keys to the rooftop, but, last year, one of them went missing. I have the only key, so no one should be able to interfere.
Oh…I really am going to die. I’m going to die like this.
Unless something, something that borders on a miracle, happens.
The kind of miracle that only happens in popular songs, the kind of miracle that will never happen in reality.
“Counting the promises I’ve made with you♪ I can live ‘til tomorrow as long as you’re here♪”
Isn’t that just stupid? If you can’t even bring yourself to live for yourself, why would you be able to live for the sake of someone else.
「Everything around me is gaining color♪　Everything around me is so dazzling♪」
And stuff like this is the biggest reason why I hate popular songs. It’s because they’re all strangely hopeful and make it seem like miracles are guaranteed to reach you. My wounds are no longer so shallow that I can live on by just hoping for something improbable. These wounds of mine have been fatal for a long time now, and no amount of hope can change that.  
Just to be clear, I don’t want anyone to stop me from dying. I don’t want “love” either. There’s only one thing I want; I just want someone who understands me.
It’s because I have no one like that and because I’m in pain that I want to disappear.
I took off my shoes, to prove to future people that the cause of my death actually was suicide.
I put on my headphones–the only thing that was ever beside me, the only partner I ever had to help me weather the depression-filled mornings.
Then, I crossed over a fence so low that it made me wonder if they were actually trying to prevent suicide and then moved to the edge of the rooftop.
“It’s higher than I expected.”
My legs were shaking, but, strangely, I didn’t feel scared.
Because I don’t know what to do anymore. Because I can’t run away. Because no one can see the true me, to the point where I can’t even see myself anymore.
(That’s why, that’s why, I’ll—)
Air refused to enter my mouth. I couldn’t breathe. It hurts, it hurts–!
I’m going to suffocate before I get to jump.
Oh, well….I wonder how long it’s been since I first began feeling so constrained, since I first began being unable to breathe.
I felt dizzy, and I desperately tried to right my body that was so close to falling over. 
Then, I stood up straight and moved to step into the endless sky—
“Huh?” 
A clank. I heard a sound that I should not have heard: the sound of a door opening.
“……..Who are you?”

And that was how my destiny began.

[TLN: Sorry am back with the milk. Various reasons, some serious(illness, tournaments, tests) and others not(modded minecraft, league, yuri XD), but (hopefully) I’ll be back to translating. Can’t promise 2 weeks, but next update def won’t be 2 months gap again.]