Leave A Scar

Ed was quiet, on the ride to Helltem. He gave no mention of what had happened between us, the aftermath I had swept up with kind phrases and even softer touches. I had tried my best, my words inside quiet touches of the hand. Symbols, messages I could only hope to transmit, keeping us both upright.

He glanced to me, hand still positioned at his jaw. Golden eyes glancing away from blurred trees and hiking pathways. When he glanced, I thought I saw.... Maybe a glimmer of...

A plea?

I didn't know what to do, thinking that. As if he would need my help at all, with anything. But with the situation we were in, with the consequences at our throats... Maybe his blade needed sharpening, maybe the metal was a bit rusted.

But who was I to help?

What did I have to give?

I thought about room 403, the hotel room we had stayed at while Al was being questioned. The window seat background'd by a bird's nest and plenty of light.

I could stay statue still, and my existence stopped there.

After an afternoon and evening of library research, we retired at a small inn. Two beds and a couch separated by a wall. Except Al was right in front of us, right outside the window as Ed and I stepped through the doorway of the bedroom.

Fireflies floated outside, bobbing up and down with light fading in and out.

"They're in my suit!" Al giggled, and I saw the slow flash traveling in the space between his helmet and body. "What're you doing, little fireflies? Get outta there..."

Ed smiled, a soft expression that bled onto my face as well. He stopped at the right bed, stepping out of his boots as he spoke.

"Seems like they like you, Al!"

Looking over at Edward, I hid my smile with a hand, bȧrėly able to conceal my laughter. My eyes, however, were watering from the sheer amusement. How could I have not noticed before?

"Your boots add so much height!" I exclaimed, doubling over with my arms across my stomach. "And here I was worried about how tall you were!"

A laugh tsked out of Ed, and I looked up to see him quietly chuckling as well, arms wrapped around himself. He met my smiling gaze with a grin of his own, and laughter bubbled into his next words.

"What"—he crouched down a little, bending his knees until he was as tall as I was again. He instantly shuffled forward, arm bent out to the side—"Do you want me to walk like this so we're the same height again?"

I almost laughed "normally", having to clap my hand against my mouth. I instantly shook my head, closing my eyes so I wouldn't have to see him waddle like that.

Ed laughed again, and I heard his foot slide back as he straightened. Taking that as my cue for safety, I opened my eyes. He was smiling still, and as soon as I looked towards him, he averted his stare, a small blush on his face.

He cleared his throat, bringing my attention to his gloved hand. "Yeah," he said, the word chitting from his teeth, "maybe you'll finally stop talking about it now."

One corner of my mouth curved upwards; a smile I just couldn't hide. "Maybe I will."

Ed glanced at me as he turned towards the foot of his bed, a smile growing on his face as well, as he shook his hair out with a hand. I stared, watching the tips get a few inches past his mid-back, reaching out towards his lower. I had no idea how long it actually was.

Ed noticed me staring, turning around and meeting my eyes. I jumped a little, immediately apologizing with one hand out. The small blush on his face grew a bit more pink, and he smiled.

"I just didn't realize how long your hair was," I told him, trying to grin but failing miserably.

He nodded, tossing the tie onto the nightstand between our beds. It landed on the table perfectly, and he put his hands in his pockets as he spoke.

"It used to be a lot shorter―" He suddenly cut himself off, a frown coming to his face before the expression fled, becoming a beaming grin. I guess he could say that word without getting angry now. With a slight laugh in his voice, he continued on, shifting to face me and putting one hand through his bangs. "But I decided to grow it out a little more after the whole thing with Father happened."

My interest rose. I ċȯċked my head to the side. "Why'd you do that?"

He just gave me a soft smile, and then those golden eyes closed, head turning away from me slightly. "Five braids for five years of searching," he said, and suddenly sprang himself back, landing on his bed and pulling the covers out from underneath himself. I caught a glimpse of the huge grin on his face as he rolled to one side, away from me. "You can count them next time you get the chance."

I smiled as well, and we were left in silence as each of us prepared for sleep. The silence was thick, and it left me to wonder what was in that brain of his. What thoughts were popping up. I used this worry against myself, curving it around a wall like a thick coat of paint. Anything to keep the people I admired most out.

I pulled the sheets over myself, and as my eyelids lifted up from a blink, I noticed how small Ed looked. He stayed facing me, stayed on his side, and searched near where his hand was resting on the mattress for a moment. Then he looked back to me, and I forced myself to stare into those eyes. The softness, the worry inside them.

"You know you can talk to me," he said, "If you need to. About anything."

I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to open up, explain what had happened on the hospital's rooftop. Why I was such a MESS of a person. I shrunk away instantly, my expression breaking enough for him to become alarmed.

He held one hand out, quickly dismissing his statement and apologizing as I felt a burning I hadn't in a very long time. Self-directed anger.

This was different from when I had rejected his ice cream offer. I'd been upset and confused with myself, my walls still too thick for me to try and understand.

But this was so much different. So much realer because it was getting so close to what I actually deserved to feel. That absolute hate burning; a rage that was a white-hot reflection from a cracked mirror.

It was something I'd always feel.

I couldn't even speak to a friend about anything... Remotely personal. I kept hiding myself away. And because of it, that burning hatred only grew. I hated myself even further now, and I never even thought that was possible.

Ed had somehow gotten to the edge of my bed without me realizing it. He was on his knees again, cautious as he stared at me with a worry I hadn't seen before.

I couldn't move. I just stayed there, propped against a forearm, thinking how it was possible that I made him be like this again. I was... I couldn't even find the word for it anymore!!

I had enough self control to keep myself still. Face unreadable and blank, I watched those golden eyes drop away from me.

"I just want you to know I'm here for you, okay?" he said.

The tears came without warning. Only one swelled enough to drop, landing loudly against the mattress. Another fell, before I had time to raise my hand and wipe it away. Landing on my brėȧst, slipping into the space between.

All he saw was the tears.

"I'm sorry," he said again, and I felt like he just shoved a blade into my ċhėst. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

I think he saw how my face twitched at his apologies, because his voice suddenly dropped off. I knew what he was thinking; he should just leave. Just go and leave me to the fate I deserved. Alone, again. It was in my nature to drive those who thought they cared for me away.

But just as I began thinking he had left, and that I had been too stupid to hear his steps away, I felt his fingertips against my hand. Reaching out to me. Trying to comfort again.

I remembered how he held me on the rooftop, supporting both of our weight for such a long time. I couldn't waste his time again. I couldn't burden him any more.

I tried to speak, tried to shake my head and say his name. Tell him I couldn't do this. Couldn't waste any more of his time. I just felt my head moving from side to side, lips forming shapes but producing no sound. I just felt the tears falling away, landing on the sheets covering my ŀȧp.

His hand reached out to me again, nearing my leg. I forced myself not to pull away this time, but my upper body started shaking instead. My hands came to hold each other near my ċhėst, and I felt my breath quickening. I shut my mouth, eyes closing and trying to hide away in that darkness. Trying to make those walls bigger, better, more secure.

Ed's voice reached out, a candlelight in the darkest of nights.

"What can I do?" he asked, and I could feel his stare searching my face. Panicked, frantic.

I just turned my face in towards the mattress, closing my eyes a bit tighter. Squeezing them shut and refusing to let the tears out. I couldn't. Not until he'd left. Not until I had driven him away...

"Please..." He kept trying... He just kept trying...

I slowly shook my head, grounding my face against the mattress. Pressing it deeper, trying to sink into it and avoid this loyalty again. It didn't make any sense, how he treated me. Like I was worth all this effort. All this energy.

I settled back against the mattress, laying on my side. Turned away from him.

Moments passed. I heard his leg click, as he stood. My heart leaped; yes, this was it! He was actually leaving.

The red blanket. I could tell by the scent; that mixture of forest and oil.

I couldn't repay such kindness. That limit had been surpassed a long time ago. Maybe at the very beginning, when he paid for my first train ticket. Maybe then, I could've done something equivalent.

The tears kept coming, and I curled inwards. Knees nearly touching my forehead, chin nearly touching my ċhėst.

I didn't hear him move at all, from his place behind me. Hours crawled on by, and before the sun's light crept into the small room, sleep had carried me off.

It faded soon, filled by a blank void of dreamless sleep. And thoughts were planted in my mind, seeds that sprouted words. Each one focused on Edward. I could hear the sound of his breathing, the gentlest of snores.

I could hear that loyalty, even in his sleep.

I shifted around, rolling onto my other side. Part of me surprised to still see him there; another part of me cracked like broken glass.

As if sensing I was awake, he suddenly stirred. Wiggling on his knees for a moment, a soft groan coming from him as his eyes opened. His stare shifted, probably confused at the angle and the sight and his sleeping position. Ed raised himself upright, pushing up with his forearm. His other arm rose, wrist running below his mouth and wiping up the small amount of drool that had gathered.

He noticed me staring then, quickly becoming alert.

"Hi! G'morning!" He grinned wide, a deep blush on his face as he scratched a spot above his ear. "I... Uh, guess I fell asleep wanting to make sure you were okay."

Heat rushed to my face as well, and I felt my stomach twist into knots. "You... Really didn't have to."

He shook his head, a soft smile on his face as he looked down, face still a little pink.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he repeated. He looked back to me, giving that soft smile again. I forced myself to keep breathing, keep my lungs stable.

I instantly nodded, wanting to get away before I caused him any more trouble or discomfort. His knees were probably killing him, again...

"Yeah, I'm okay," I lied, and quickly shifted, about to climb out of bed from the opposite end when his hand grabbed mine.

I looked back, seeing his eyes were avoiding mine. The metal fingers held mine a little bit tighter.

"I..." He swallowed, trying to find the words he wanted to say. "I know how it feels," he said my name, and the sound fractured my inner wall. Breaking it a little more. "I know how it is to feel like you don't deserve something, but..."

He looked down, bangs hiding his eyes from me. Hiding most of his blush, too. I watched him motion a little with his head, bȧrėly nodding to the door.

"Al and I..." he began. "We're here for you, in whatever ways you need us to be." His hold on my hand tightened, and I felt how serious he was about this.

I couldn't say anything. What air would I be using, wasting, if I said anything, anyway?

I just nodded, the action so quick I'm not even sure he had seen anything. I moved, beginning to crawl out of the bed on the opposite side. But something stopped me, his hand wrapping around my wrist.

The pad of his thumb so roughened but the movement and speed so soft and so slow. It was a contrast that lit a small fire in my gut.

"Promise you'll tell me," he began, "If you start feeling like that again." He gently shook his head, moving his hair enough for me to see his eyes were shut tight. "Just let me know when you feel yourself slipping. I'll catch you, okay?"

I always felt myself slipping. I couldn't burden him like that. I had to fuċkɨnġ pull myself together.

"I'm sorry," I said. And even then I felt my voice shake. I was so weak...

His hold on my hand got a little tighter. "Stop apologizing. Please. Just promise me..."

I could tell he needed me to. Actually needed me to say I would. But... I couldn't let him in like that. I couldn't break myself down again, I couldn't slip that far. Like I did on the rooftop.

A knock on our door came. Alphonse, gently asking if we'd be ready soon. Implying the train to Elexomir was about to leave.

"Yeah, Al," Ed responded, and I was surprised how level and normal his voice was, "We'll be right out."

Al's helmet creaked as he nodded, saying a confirmation before his steps moved him away from the door.

Ed squeezed my hand again; a silent reminder he was still waiting.

"Okay," I said. I forced myself to curl my fingers, gently returning his pressure. "I promise."

I promise I wouldn't let myself break.

As soon as I said it, the word stung, having taken on a whole new meaning. It hurt, too, when Edward finally looked up and beamed at me. So wide. So... Happy that I had said something so disturbingly simple. Disturbingly false.

"Good," he returned. His hand kept holding mine, and I felt the walls start to shake, wanting to collapse entirely. "I'm... I'm really glad," he added my name, and it was nearly enough to do me in.

I forced every ounce of pain away from my face, trying to force away the tears as he noticed our hands were still connected.

"Uh," Those big golden eyes glanced to mine, then back to our hands, "We should probably get going. Train's leaving and all."

I nodded, more than wanting to let go. I moved my fingers, curling them away from his and I saw how he gave them one last squeeze before his hand slipped away from mine. He stood up, and I forced myself to stay together. But every thought in my mind just told me I didn't deserve a friend like him. I knew I didn't.

"Hey," My heart nearly jumped out of my ċhėst as I saw him crouch down, lowering himself to meet my gaze again. "What'd we just talk about?"

"I―I know," I replied. I forced myself not to comb my hands through my hair, opting to just wring my fingers together. "I know. But I'm here right now with you, aren't I?"

A loophole. A temporary one. And I used it as soon as I saw it. How low could I sink, with this agreement? How horrible of a person could I evolve into?

Ed frowned. I could tell he was a little frustrated, probably figuring out what I was doing. I didn't blame him for being angry.

I forced myself to reach out to his hand, feeling a new layer building. A new wall. Thinner, like a reinforcement.

I held his hand in mine, wrapping my fingers around his like he had just done for me.

"I'll be okay," I told him, lying straight through my teeth. "It'll take time, but I'll be okay. You don't have to worry about me."

His expression, that light amount of focus between his brows, that small frown on his face―all of it fell. Faltering, as he propped his other elbow up on the bed's edge and threaded his automail hand through his hair. Once again, his face was a little pink.

"Let me know," he said, "If you start feeling like that again, okay?"

He was making me promise again. Like the first time wasn't hard enough.

I felt his eyes staring as I nodded, a pain hitting my ċhėst. I couldn't speak. I couldn't verbally agree. I could only nod once, and feel his hand hold mine a little more.

We parted soon after, going separate ways to get ready for whatever today had in store. And as I closed the bathroom door behind me, I realized how off balance our scales were. In terms of helping each other. He had given me so much and what had I done for him? Just weigh Al and him down...

I knew I shouldn't even still be traveling with them, that I should've left as soon as I handed my sketchbook to Mustang back in Central, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. Forcing myself to experience this pain with Ed... All of it still hurt less than going back into that house again.

I blocked out every thought, every memory trying to drag me back to Lautoxan. I thought back to the scales, and promised myself I would try and balance them out. I had to try to give something back in return for all he had given me.

Because even if I didn't deserve that comfort, that support, I knew Ed did. I just didn't know if I was strong enough to give it to him.