Like Hell I’m Gonna Get Captured!

A few days after the betting basketball game.
Ever since then, I’ve constantly been thinking about the way things ought to be. My sex is female. However, I still have recollections of my previous life as a male. Even though I have about 20 years of experience as a male, and even though I was suddenly told to become a woman, isn’t it impossible for it to be settled just like that? Nay, I understand that that’s just an excuse.
Perhaps, I’m already a woman. However, in the depths of my heart, I can’t accept that fact.

Because I’ve been troubled, Kiho and Kaede-chan have been making worried expressions.
They draw away from me if I tell them I’m okay even though they’re still worried. It’s inexcusable, making those two anxious like this.

Incidentally, school has ended, and right now I’m on the road returning home.
Golden Week starts tomorrow. Soon after the end of Golden Week is the Ballgame Tournament. After that ends, midterm examinations are waiting. Henceforth, it appears that I will become busier and busier. Since it’s Golden Week, I’m obliged to properly prepare myself.
Ah, however, I promised Kiho and Kaede-chan to go shopping for swimsuits together during Golden Week.
Probably, since those two were worrying about me, who had been slightly under the weather, they didn’t say anything to me.
Moreover, because I promised them to go to the beach during summer, it would be poor of me to not prepare a new swimsuit.
Hah…still. With all this, my motivation isn’t going up. Though the reason is right in front of my eyes, I’m still prolonging this kind of mentality…hah.

“Sora-chan. Are you returning home right now?”

When I was indecisive, a voice comes from behind me.
The Obaa-san who lives in my neighborhood is standing there when I look over my shoulder. Based on the fact that she has shopping bags hanging from her arms, I think most likely she’s coming home from shopping.

“Yes. I am presently returning home. I’ll carry your bags until we reach your house.”
“Welcome back. Sorry for troubling you. I wonder if it’s okay to ask this of you.”

If an Obaa-san is carrying heavy looking bags, it’s a matter of course to help.
Compared to my own worries, baggage is merely a trivial matter.
Ah, right. I decided to ask Obaa-san about love matters. Although it’s embarrassing to ask, I think it’ll be fine. It’ll be fine, right?

“Oh yeah, Obaa-san, why did you fall in love with your husband?”
“Oh my, why all of a sudden? So Sora-chan has also come to that age where she’s interested in these matters.”

She replies while elegantly laughing with her hand against her mouth, though she’s surprised as a result of me bringing up the main topic.

“No. Things like Love, or coming to like someone, I really don’t understand them, so I thought that if I tried asking you, I could come to understand.”
“So that’s the case. They’re just stories, but if it’s acceptable, would you like to try hearing them?”

When I tell her please, Obaa-san speaks to me with a nostalgic smile, as if recalling her past memories.

My husband was what you would call a childhood friend.
We were very close, and ever since we were little, we would play together.
Even when we grew up, that relationship continued the whole time, and I thought it would continue for a lifetime.
But that relationship was lost when the war started.
My husband was an elite soldier, and as a result, he was attached to the Aviation Corps.
Tokyo was scorched by an air-raid, and from that empty place came a letter from my husband. He knew he would be selected for the Kamikaze Special Attack Unit.
In that letter, ‘Find a good husband, and become happy,’ was written, and that was when I realized my own feelings for the first time.
In the end, the war ended before my husband’s turn came, and I was crying when he finally came home.
We got married and had children. Though there were bitter times, and we squabbled too, everyday was full of happiness.
After all that, even though my husband passed away, it’s like he’s always watching over me. Although it’s lonely, it’s also not. It’s a strange thing to say out loud.
“Since we’re talking about now, it’s a different era and all, so the young people these days probably don’t understand, right?”

She says. From the smiling Obaa-san, I feel a sort of strength that comes from surviving a harsh era.

“Are you… glad, do you think, that you’re a woman?”

If it’s me, I don’t know. I think girls are cute, but isn’t it narcissistic to admire your dressed-up self? If it’s just dressing stylishly, even men can do that. Same with cooking.
Do I want to accept, or do I not want to accept, the fact that I’m a woman? That, I don’t know.

“Hmm. If I were a man, I wouldn’t be able to marry Ojii-san, and I also wouldn’t be able to meet my children. Yes, indeed. When I realized that I had the child of my beloved one inside my own belly, I was extremely happy.”

‘Although, this conversation is still early for you, Sora-chan, right,’ says the contently smiling Obaa-san.

As she expected, that sensation is one that the current me cannot comprehend it seems. Still, children, huh? If I had my own child, I would undoubtedly be happy, I believe. Ah, but if that were to be the case, then would I have to give birth? Nn– It’s surreal.

“Sora-chan. Whatever your friends say to you, whatever you hear, if you do not understand them, you must not be impatient. If you rush, all that will be left is regret. Girls especially so. Think it through carefully.”

As Obaa-san says that, we almost simultaneously arrive at her home.
I give Obaa-san my thanks with a bow and head to my house.
Hearing Obaa-san’s story, there is one thing I understand. I am, probably, not troubled by Love, liking someone, and so on. Actually, perhaps the act of being troubled is troubling me. Though I can objectively comprehend the love story that Obaa-san told, it’s somewhat slightly different, I feel.
Perhaps, apart from the earlier question, I am being troubled by my current state of affairs.
That pretense of being worried about love was just me averting my eyes from the root of the problem. Just being able to realize that inside my head makes today a day of substantial progress, wouldn’t you say?
I’m deciding if I should try talking to mom too, however, what should I ask her?
Love? Should I also try asking about reincarnation? No, that’s scary, so let’s stop.
I don’t know what would be good to talk about. However, just hearing something will allow me to advance forward, wouldn’t you say? That’s the kind of feeling I’m getting.
In the end, by the time I arrive at the house, I couldn’t decide on what to try asking about.

————————————————————-

It’s after dinner. I’m calmly relaxing in the living room.
Today’s dinner was with mom, the two of us together. My younger brother has soccer practice, and as usual, is late coming home.

“What’s wrong Sora. Something the matter?”

In the middle of dinner also, I was constantly thinking about what to ask without settling on anything, and at last, a question is asked from mom.
She’s someone who, once she has grasped a problem, cannot be turned away from the topic. She can’t be deceived.

Eei. In that case, I’ll just ask her the first thing that comes to mind.

“Okaa-san. When I was born, what was it like?”

……Why, self? Why did I go with this kind of topic.
As one would expect, since it’s a matter from ten plus some years ago, the memories have become considerably vague, but you can remember it right? Myself.

“Let’s see. I was happy. Later, you did nothing but sleep, and you were very fuss-free. It was kind of anticlimactic because I heard that raising children was difficult.”

‘Well, after Riku was born, that was like seeing Hell though,’ says mom, who smiles.
Oh yeah, during the time I was an infant, all I did was sleep. That was surely a protective measure, because a baby’s brain couldn’t bear the memories from my past life, isn’t that the case? Although I’m not really sure, that’s the feeling I’m getting.
While remembering those things, I smile back.
Weird. Even though I’m hearing about myself, it doesn’t feel like me. I feel a terrible, foreign feeling from myself, and I become slightly disgusted.

“Oh yeah, want to try hearing about what happened before you were born?”

Looking at me thinking those things, mom has a slightly worried face, and that suggestion comes.
Without understanding mom’s intentions, I only nod my head.

“Actually, you know, you should have had an older brother.”

First time I’m hearing of it. By “should,” I wonder if she means there was a stillbirth or miscarriage.

“I married your father and wanted a child right away, but I couldn’t for some years. Around when I had starting thinking, ‘like this, what if I could never have one,’ I at last had a child. Except that, on a certain day, I had a sudden miscarriage. Although I was saved, it was too late for the child. I thought the gods did that to me to tell me that I wasn’t qualified to be a mother.”

She says. While smiling desolately, mom starts to rub my head.
What happened, I wonder. Though I’m curious, I feel like I can’t ask.

“I haven’t forgotten your father’s face when he realized that he had a child. After the miscarriage, I would go to visit the shrine everyday.”
“Visiting a shrine?”
“Yes. ‘I don’t care what becomes of me, please let that person see his child’s face,’ I would say. Everyday, I would go visit. And then, I found out that you were in my belly. This time, visiting the shrine had a different meaning. ‘Please let this child safely be born,’ I would say.”

She says. Mom’s eyes have have reddened a little bit as she continues to stroke my head.

“When you were born, I was truly happy. I didn’t care what happened to me, but when I was able to safely see your face, I felt in my heart that I was glad to be alive. And now, I’m living happily with my husband, Riku is energetically playing soccer, and Sekka has come to our household, all of this is because you’re here for me, Sora, so, thanks for being born, okay?”

She says. Mom, who is now hugging me close to her, has a whole-faced smile, and I’m probably crying.

“Sora, I don’t know what’s troubling you. But you know, you’re the child that your mother and father have been waiting for from the bottom of our hearts. You’re cute, and nothing you do will hurt me*1. You’re my important child after all, and changing that fact is impossible. So, worry a lot, and live life to the fullest.”

‘Because if it’s you, Sora, you’d never to anything bad,’ mom says, and again strongly hugs me.
I’m sorry for staying silent about my reincarnation. I’m sorry for staying silent about a lot of matters.
However, I’ve never lied. I love everyone, my dad, and my mom, and my brother, and Sekka too, and this emotion also not a lie. I want us to be an actual family, because I love you all. So—-.

“I’m homeeeee–. Huh? Nee-chan! What’s the matter!?”

……My resolution?-thing was interrupted by my younger brother.

“Oh nothing. Welcome home.” (Mom)
“Ah, glad to be back! But, Nee-chan, you’re crying!? Are you okay? This is the first time I’ve seen Nee-chan crying you know!? Nee-chan, are you okay? Did something bad happen? If it’s guy-friend troubles, you can complain to me okay?”

My younger brother who sees my crying face is all flustered, and appropriately cute. I think something’s broken, me that is.

“I’m really okay. Thanks. Riku, I love you, you know.”

I separate from mom and say that as I embrace Riku.

“Nee-chan just told me she loves me! Oh crap, I think I’m crying!”

Oh yeah, I never did tell him that did I. But, I’ve always loved you since long ago, you know.
When I’m thinking that, I feel a brushing sensation, and there’s Sekka, rubbing her head on my leg.

“I love you too Sekka.”

I say, and when I lift her up and hug her, Sekka contently says, “Nya~”.
To be surrounded by this family, to be born into this family, I am truly glad.

————————————-

That night, I saw a dream.
The Me from my previous life, whose face I no longer remember, appeared.
The previous Me told me, ‘Thank you for not forgetting about Me.’ ‘But, it seems the previous Me is no longer needed,’ he said.
‘The previous Me is already dead. The You right now is You, not Me. It’s impossible for You to become Me. Your name is Katagiri Sora after all. I’m different, after all,’ he said.

What is Your wish? Isn’t it to become an actual family with those people? Those people aren’t My family. My family only has two people. Your family is different, isn’t it.
You and I share the same memories, but We are different people.
I hate pond smelt marinate after all, hah.

Said the smiling, previous me. Was this a monologue, or a conversation, I didn’t know, it was neither wonderful, nor fearful, it was a slightly lonesome dream.

————————————–

When I open my eyes, my pillow is wet.
It seems that I was somehow crying while sleeping.
Coincidentally when I’m thinking that if I could be called a crybaby, I remember that I promised today to go shopping with Kiho and Kaede-chan.
Oh nooo-. My eyes are absolutely swollen–. Well, there’s no way but to let it pass. Let’s prepare a hot towel and a ice towel. It’s better than doing nothing after all.

Still, I sure saw a weird dream last night. Because I made up my mind, did he come to say his final farewell?
However, that guy is me. There’s no way that he wouldn’t exist. Weird.
Well, whatever. He is I, and I am Me*2. That’s fine. Although we are separate, we aren’t separate. It’s a strange relationship.
If I’m to desire for us to become a true family, I must also accept the other half of me that has been supporting me from the depths of my heart.

My name is Katagiri Sora. My previous name is no longer needed. Just one name is enough.

*1目に入れても痛くない Lit. I can put you in my eyes and it wouldn’t hurt.

*2“He is I, and I am Me,” 彼は俺で、俺が私だ Notice how the masculine 俺 (ore) becomes the feminine 私 (watashi). And when he says, “My name is,” he uses 私.