Looking for My Fiancé's Lover

“First, move Caron’s room next to mime. I can’t keep pretending not to know about Malen’s presumptuous behavior, she’s crossing the line.”

“Please reconsider going out on the battlefield. If the master is gone, there will be no successor to the legacy of Entera.”

“Heir? Caron is also a successor of Entera, isn’t she? According to the customs of the empire’s eastern part, even if the legitimacy is somewhat inferior… Anyway, if you are so anxious, try to persuade my mother as soon as possible.”

The wine glass fell from Pancion’s hand and into the trash can.

“My brother is going to die soon. And it’s better to think of the head of the household sooner than later. The esteemed mother would eventually come to know of her second son’s scheme someday.”

“Why do you have to do that?”

In an instant, the brain activity stopped due to the unexpected question. I slowly rolled my eyes and looked around the study. Couldn’t there be other people here besides Rick and me? However, no matter how much I looked, it was just the two of us in a space filled with only the noise of book pages flipping. I tapped the desk with my fingernails, then raised my head belatedly.

“Are you talking to me?”

“Who else is here beside you?”

(Slurp).

I could even hear the sound of tea running down his throat despite sitting on the other side. I lifted my gaze to meet Rick’s, then lowered my head again. A book as thick as a span of my hand fell below my chin. I felt dizzy looking at the densely written letters like grains of sand on the white background.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you teasing me for reading a book right now?”

In the past, book was an object that would never be placed in the same space as me, let alone before my eyes. However, one of the most essential virtues for a lady was the acquisition of literature. I was reading a long poem full of incomprehensible metaphors for twenty minutes. Enjoying art was such a tough and long hardship.

“I don’t mind you doing things you’ve never done before. What I meant is do you really need to break the engagement?”

I quietly shut my mouth at the sudden question. Rick was the only one who knew I was going to break my engagement. I calmly cleared my mind and answered.

“You might not know, but even if Nezar and I may appear like close siblings, it’s hard to be lovers.”

“Say something that makes sense, Kate. You chased him around saying you like him to death, but now you’re going to pretend it didn’t happen just because it’s hard to form a relationship with him? There’s a certain degree to being childish.”

“I think you forgot something, I am a child.”

Precisely, a childlike adult.

Often, my past life felt like an illusion of a long dream. In fact, I was an ordinary fifteen, both physically and mentally, and I entered adolescence purely because of a long dream.

It was a much more logical and reliable assumption than saying that the world I had been living in changed. Nonetheless, I was convinced that my previous life was not a lie because the memories of the past, which should have been hazy like a mist, remained so vividly.

I did not deny the past of living seventeen years. However, the memories of my past life did not have the right to dominate me now. Katrina Ezellot was nothing more than a fifteen-year-old girl who was just starting to grow.

“To be honest, I never thought Nezar would listen to my whining. You know, about the engagement pledge. Sure I was clinging to him like a leech, but still… ”

Funny how in front of Nezar I was the Katrina Ezellot accustomed to acting childishly, but it was the past life me that made that judgment.

When I couldn’t continue my words properly and blurred at the end, Rick opened his mouth in a calm voice.

“Kate, it is thanks to His Highness that you are stable as you are now. His Highness must think so too.”

“Are you asking me to devote myself to him to repay the favour? That’s exactly what bothers Nezar though.”

My feelings for Nezar were deeper than family love and more passionate than heterosexuality, but it was not accompanied by a sexual desire. As a single example, I could not even imagine the picture of him kissing me, nor did I want to imagine it. Because it felt weird and bizarre.

T/n: Okay, so it’s like worshiping?!

Well, or it might just be because I was still young.

“The reason Nezar can’t let me go is purely out of compassion and a sense of duty. It’s like throwing the most expensive chocolate to a poor child.”

If that sympathy and sense of duty gradually faded over time…I would not be able to stand the emptiness it left behind. For that, I had to step back. Being tied down by an engagement was bound to cause great harm to each other. Even more so for the Crown Prince Nezar than for me, a Count’s youngest daughter.

Ah, darn it! If I were just a stupid 15-year-old kid, I wouldn’t have to worry about this!

“That seems like a prejudice. How well do you know His Highness?”

“What do I not know? Just imagine I am in his shoes. Even though I can’t see it all, there are certain things I can feel.”

Rick then leaned back in his chair and looked at me with his arms crossed. It was a complex expression that was difficult to describe in simple sentences.

“You know, you have had a lot of trivial frivolous thoughts since you were small. Now I’m not saying it’s bad. But I just want to tell you that if there are too many paths ahead, you may fall into the wrong place.”

I pouted in discontent. Rick’s words weren’t exactly wrong.

“Can’t you see I already have? All of this is half your fault. If you leave a child unattended for a long time, they will fall into a hundred strange paths. Just like me.”

Not long ago, black-and-white memories of my childhood crept up in my heart. Looking back on my childhood, all in all, there were only moments of silence. It’s like a vast meadow where horses roamed, and me sitting quietly on it, watching from afar. At that time, I was always alone.

“That’s why I’m taking care of you right now, isn’t that true?”

Rick’s words sent me into a fit of laughter. Although affectionate attention had always been good nourishment for a child, it was inevitable for long-accumulated sadness to suddenly rush in.

“What is the use of that? It has already happened in the past.”