Love Doesn't Matter

Chapter 83 – You Are Special, And I Am Cowardly

Emilia’s eyes quivered and she closed them tightly. How many days had she been working at Lha Trang? It hadn’t even been ten days yet, but how did he know? No, that’s not the point now. Now that he knows everything, she won’t be able to work there anymore….

He continued to speak as if he had read what was on her mind.

“Don’t worry, I won’t interfere with your work.”

Her tightly closed eyes opened in disbelief.

“I promise.”

Emilia relaxed her teeth chewing on her lips. She let out a relieved sigh.

She turned her stiff head to the figure moving in the carriage. It was Grozhang. He went up on the carriage and put a blanket around Uncle Beppy’s body. Watching him move quietly in fear of waking the old man gave warmth to her frozen heart. As he stepped from the carriage, he stood straight in front of Emilia.

“Hello, Miss Bern.”

“Hello, Mr. Grozhang.”

After greeting her, Grozhang looked to his master over his shoulder.

“I will take care of Beppy Dilson. You can comfortably talk with each other.”

It was now time to face Hadius Meyer.

Emilia moistened her dry lips with her tongue and turned slowly. The face of the man under the moonlight was still cold as usual. There was only one thing about him that wasn’t cold, and that was the look in his eyes.

“I learned from the bodyguard that you work here. Don’t blame Beppy Dilson.”

Her mouth involuntarily opened. Numerous criticisms and sarcasms rose in her throat, but she couldn’t utter a single word.

After repeatedly biting her lips, she avoided his piercing gaze and turned to Beppy. The old man with the blanket around him was snoring and sleeping peacefully. The irrational anger filling her heart subsided, and she let out a dispirited laugh without her realizing it.

“… I won’t blame him. Even if he did that.”

She felt a little strange after saying that. Emilia only hoped that the rustling sound of the irrelevant falling autumn leaves on her toes would fill the awkward void. It must have been because all her nerves were turned toward the man opposite her.

From the top of her head, Emilia felt Hadius looking toward the restaurant.

“How’s your work going?”

“… It’s not bad.”

“Are you serving? Or doing the dishes?”

It must be because the words ‘I won’t disturb you’ he spoke sounded sincere, Emilia didn’t stop herself from answering his questions.

“I do the dishes and prepare the ingredients. When it is busy, I do the cleaning… and all sorts of things.”

“That’s difficult to hear.”

“I’m still not very good. I was often harassed and cursed at when they had time. The owner, Mrs. Angel*, asks me every day if I would rather do the serving.”

(T/N: From the previous chapters where it was mentioned that Emilia was looking for a job, it was said that the owner was an old woman. So, I used Mrs instead of Mr.)

“It doesn’t sound like a good place.”

“Oh, no. That’s not it. Though her first impression wasn’t that great, it’s getting better and better. Mrs. Angel as well as the chef… they’re definitely not bad people.”

The chicken in her bag pressed heavily against her shoulder as if trying to announce its existence. The warmth she felt on her chest when she had just received it from the chef was still burning.

Noticing Emilia’s eyes directed to the oversized bag she was holding, Hadius also looked at it.

“Did you receive something great?”

“Yes, an award?”

“… Award?”

Her hand suddenly went inside the bag and pulled out a piece of meat wrapped in cloth. Her lips drew into an arc unconsciously. It wasn’t just her hands that moved unconsciously, but her lips as well. She talked at will and began to narrate how she got the chicken inside the bag.

“Isn’t it strange? What on earth was this… I don’t know why I am so happy and proud.”

Emilia murmured to herself as Hadius looked down on her. In the silence, he felt the shadow obscuring his eyes slowly disappear. The hazy figure of the woman was shining strangely very bright as it became clear.

Yes, why did I forget? You used to be that kind of person. Living on without relying on anyone…. No, you were someone who must live on your own.

The scene of their engagement from a long time ago filled his eyes. A girl standing in the middle of the palace hall. Unlike him, who came not only with his mother but with a dozen attendants, that child was completely alone. She was obviously nervous. Her white little face was stiff with all kinds of worry and anxiety, and yet she wasn’t intimidated.

While she was standing in the middle of her enemy’s camp, receiving all kinds of stinging glances from the king and other people, she dared to open her mouth and said what she had to say. She eagerly apologized for being alone. She apologized that her mother couldn’t come as her younger sibling had a fever….

Hadius felt dizzy as he fell into a shock. Even a small commoner child was living on her own. She was only 14 years old, and she was already building her own world. Hadius could feel freedom from her – the freedom that only those who weren’t bound and dependent can have.

Just like that, she was special from the start. She was a stigmata on his chest, ingrained in him. But in the end, he ruined it all. He killed that brilliant child with his own hands.

Something like hot lava poured in an erratic manner, made Hadius’ heart weary. A strange impulse came to his head with his extremely bitter blood.

“I have been discussing your problem with His Majesty the King for several months now.”

His sudden confession was enough to make Emilia lift her head up.

“My… problem? What does that mean?”

“About your future after breaking our engagement.”

Emilia’s face turned pale.

“I wanted for you to be protected and sponsored by the royal family. I think your life would be worse after breaking off our engagement. I negotiated with the Queen on the matter a month ago, and we are still negotiating.”

“Protection and sponsorship… of the royal family?”

Muttering like a parrot, Emilia was speechless for a moment.

“I’ve wanted to keep it a secret from you. Because it wasn’t my business, and you won’t be able to refuse if it were His Majesty’s orders.”

As if a bomb exploded next to her, her ears became deaf. At the same time, Emilia felt the flames of anger rising from the bottom of her chest. Hadius could feel it, but he couldn’t stop talking.

“I was planning to get you educated by the royal family and make you receive your title at the right time. I expected that if you were educated by the royal family and met people with Her Majesty the Queen, society would naturally accept you.”

To calm her beating heart, Emilia had to press her chest with her trembling hands.

“Negotiations have been suspended for a while.”

Silence fell after he spoke. Even the dim moonlight became breathtaking.

Emilia stared into the darkness and tried to calm her wandering thoughts. Numerous questions floated in her head, but there was only one word at the tip of her tongue.

“I thought you were going to keep it a secret… but why are you… telling this to me?”

Hadius couldn’t easily answer. Something has had him tied like a leash since they last met at Sitmer, and the previous confession had set him free. He was relieved, whether it was a sense of defeat or emptiness.

“Unnecessary lies eventually lead to distrust. I just realized it.”

Emilia still couldn’t understand and looked at him with puzzled eyes.

“You and I are alike. At least with one thing.”

“….”

“I would have been angry, too – to the point that it would be beyond my control. If someone tried to decide my life on their own without asking for my will… I couldn’t have stayed still.”

His calm confession quickly quieted the flames in Emilia’s chest. She took a deep breath, trying not to be swept away by her impulses and emotions.

“Yeah, it was in a way, perfectly normal. I should have asked you first… I should have done that before anything else.”

Repeated waves of shock were sweeping Emilia away. Her lost focus had long since drifted from Hadius. That’s why Emilia didn’t notice that Hadius was looking somewhere for a while. His eyes turned to the mailbox at every opportunity.

If her eyes hadn’t gleamed with that chunk of meat… if that cat didn’t appear in front of me yesterday …. Hadius would’ve stolen her letter as soon as she pulled it from the mailbox. He was sure he would’ve snarled like a dog and flipped it over in a petty way. No, that’s not it. He would’ve done a more despicable thing. He would have gone to the post office and stolen the letter.

Nothing could be as easy as that with the bastard Meyer. But Hadius’ experiences over the past few months made him realize that it was all useless. Like his father, some things shouldn’t die.

It would have been better if he had just given up like that, but the problem was that d**n hope that made it come back to life no matter how much he trampled it.

Like Moria who suddenly appeared in front of me, I am standing in front of you without losing hope. I am sick and tired of it now – this me, and this you.

Turning pale, Hadius stared at Emilia and opened his mouth again.

“The negotiations are on hold, and will continue to be on hold – until you make up your mind.”

Emilia couldn’t answer any questions.

The two fell into their own thoughts in the ambiguous border of neither cold nor hot, neither bright nor dark. It wasn’t peaceful. The things that rose up from their inner selves were only precariously stopped in the state of just before overflowing.

Their silence was broken by the odd ‘Achoo!’ of Beppy’s sneeze. When he woke up, he looked down at the blanket and suddenly jumped. His bewildered eyes went to Grozhang beside him, then to Emilia and Hadius, and back to Grozhang. Beppy stretched out and jumped from the coach box. He then took off his hat and greeted Hadius politely.

Hadius raised his hand toward Beppy and then checked the time. When he turned to Emilia again, many of the things that had been cut off within him had sunk below the surface of his indifferent face.

“It’s late.”

Hadius glanced at Beppy.

“Take her home safely.”

Without waiting for Emilia to say anything, he walked away.