Love Doesn't Matter

Chapter 86 – How Much To Forgive

Her chest split with a crack. The hot things inside broke through the cracks and made it unbearable for Emilia. The blood circulating through the veins spread to her fingertips. His hand caressed her cheek and lightly touched her lips, reaching the nape of her neck. She thought he was about to strangle her again with his strangely gleaming eyes.

If that’s the case… I would not stand still if he tries to strangle me again.

However, his hands were as light and soft as a feather. Instead of grabbing her skin in a ruthless way, he hesitated as if he didn’t know what to do, and slowly moved away. Emilia only realized then. It was pain that lingered between the two of them, like a resonance. It was, in fact, sadness that colored the man’s eyes.

Dropping his arm, Hadius moved away from her. Standing by the window and staring in the darkness, he was so calm again that it was unbelievable he was on the verge of exploding.

Emilia lowered her head and looked down at the cup. The clear, transparent brown liquid trembled silently, reflecting the lamp light. From somewhere, she heard Charlotte’s whisper, pulsing into her ears.

[‘I forgive myself. Then peace came to me at once.’]

She realized another thing in an instant.

[‘Can money really buy you? If it can, then how far can it get you to live?’]

[‘I thought my heart would grow weak if you stood like a martyr like this. But I was wrong.’]

[‘I swear. I will never harm your family, including Mitch Bern. I will risk my life to protect you. I mean it.’]

Every time he said something strange, she lost her judgment and reached a foolish conclusion because she was filled with a twisted hatred. Mitch wasn’t the only one who cultivated hatred because of the Annihilation Squad. Perhaps, Emilia also had been in a deep hatred and resentment while pretending that she was alright, and that it was nothing. It wasn’t that she really hated this man – she just wanted to hate him. Forcing herself to hate him clouded her judgment and gave birth to resentment and hatred.

Actually, I just hated myself. I am worthless. I still like him. I very easily forgive. And my miserable life.

As soon as she faced reality, she might have turned her back on herself and on her self-loathing, and rushed madly to that man named Meyer. Since her father’s death, Emilia had made every effort to become a smart and shrewd person. She had proven it herself by not having any lingering attachments to the world of the nobility she liked to call Meyer in a whole. Only by continuing to hate without forgiving could she prove her worth. So she hated more ceaselessly – that man and not herself.

[‘Forgive, then you will feel at ease.’]

She heard Charlotte’s voice again and again. But she was still afraid. Nothing would change even if Emilia forgave and admitted that she had feelings for him. In the first place, she never wanted to become a Duchess, and she wanted to live as Emilia Bern, not anyone else. She wanted to live a pleasant and happy life – in such a world where she would be willing to acknowledge and welcome herself. Tangled and twisted threads don’t unravel that easily.

How far should I go? One thing was clear even in the midst of her confusion – she had to be honest. She should confess even if it was vague, obscure, or cowardly thoughts. Because he showed her all the way to the bottom about him.

“I, I….”

Hadius glanced back at her trembling voice that echoed throughout the air. As if nothing had happened, his detached eyes coldly penetrated deep into her heart.

“I won’t be leaving for the New World. I already refused a few days ago. I have no intention of meeting any man, including Nathan Malvin.”

His broad shoulders, which hadn’t even moved, shook slightly.

“For the past five years, I… no, I’ve never loved any man since I was born. Except for one person.”

As soon as she finished speaking, her determination disappeared, and fear resurfaced again. To open her mouth again, she had to muster all her courage in her power.

“It wasn’t just becoming fond, or friendship. I was so afraid… I am so scared that I don’t even dare say it aloud….”

With her blurred vision, she could see a man with a blank face as if he couldn’t understand what she was saying. With trembling hands, Emilia continued on with her difficult confession.

“Do you know… how it has been for me for the last five years? I imagine alone, laugh alone, despair alone, and then hope alone.”

“Emilia….”

“I liked him so much that I couldn’t even put it into words, and I couldn’t breathe.”

As soon as she said it out loud, everything she thought was dead revived in an instant and swept her into a storm.

Yes, I had forgotten. I thought I had completely gotten rid of it. The man shining like a star that even with just making eye contact, it made my heart flutter and have fond memories… I used to like him that much.

“I… have no choice but to return the ring the Young Master gave me…. Do you know how hard it was… how difficult it was….”

For a moment, she felt like someone was choking her. Emilia felt the strange things creeping up her throat with sourness. Her chest was burning. Holding back the hot tears that were about to escape from her eyes, Emilia had to swallow her saliva over and over again.

“Because I’m scared… I was afraid… I was afraid that this would happen….”

As soon as she finished speaking, her tears welled up. And fear closed her throat again.

“I hate myself. I can’t hold it in anymore and say this… I really can’t forgive myself….”

His once cozy study turned into Caitlyn Meyer’s drawing room, which she visited every year and attacked her. Emilia stared at the man with a completely lost, bewildered expression, and hurriedly turned away. She was scared. She was scared that she couldn’t stand looking at him. She had to run away.

The sound of her steps on the marble floor led from the hallway to the stairs and back to the hall on the first floor again. There was only one thought in Emilia’s wildly beating heart.

You’re wrong, Charlotte. I don’t feel at ease. How far should I forgive? How much do I have to forgive so that I won’t feel afraid?

* * *

Her trembling didn’t stop even when she arrived at home. Emilia couldn’t go inside so she stood under the tree from which the swing was hanging. On a deep autumn night, sitting on the swing and listening for a long time to the sounds the grass bugs make calmed her irrational fear.

She breathed out a long sigh as she leaned her head against the swing rope, and then a voice came from behind her.

“Noona, talk to me.”

A completely different sigh escaped Emilia’s mouth, recognizing the owner of that voice.

“Stop it, Mitch.”

“But Noona.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to understand? I have no intention of going to the New World, and I already sent a letter of rejection to Young Master Malvin. The matter is over.”

However, Mitch’s eyes blocked the way and were quite determined and stubborn.

“Then how about this?”

Emilia squeezed her eyes shut as if tired and asked, “What?”

“We are all going together.”

“… What?”

“If Noona wants to throw away that opportunity because of our family… then we can all leave together. Me, Mom, Charlotte, all of us.”

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

Shooting back fiercely, Emilia tried to still her fiery temper. She calmly looked at her younger brother. She then began to talk about what Hadius had called as ‘royal duties.’

“Listen, Mitch. My engagement will soon be declared broken. And I think that His Majesty will reward our family in some way. You’d better wait quietly until then. Do you understand?”

Emilia passed by Mitch, who frowned.

“It’s windy. Come on in.”

Looking at the empty seat left by his older sister, Mitch chewed on his cheeks. Why did she talk about the King out of nowhere? Our family was long forgotten by them. Above all, Nathan Malvin definitely said that he was going to wait for a month. Half a month had already passed.

He became impatient. His heart was bursting with frustration. There is only one last way to deal with someone who can’t understand.

Mitch pulled out something from his pocket. It was a letter he had written for days, tearing at his hair.

As soon as dawn comes tomorrow, I will go to the town and mail this letter. Though if Noona learned of this, she would kill me….

* * *

As the carriage stopped in front of the Mepix’ jewelry store, the clerks lined up on both sides. The owner greeted Hadius as if they had waited for him.

“Welcome, Duke Meyer.”

Greeting him politely, the jewel store owner turned to Grozhang immediately. The two men shook hands with each other.

“We are here to check whether things are ready.”

“Yes, I have been waiting for you.”

After a while, the curtains were lifted, and a marble table appeared. There were a lot of jewels on top of the shiny table. Those dazzling jewels will soon be hung over the body of the Grand Princess Reinen. It was now an open secret in Nowak’s high society that Hadius Meyer would soon break off his engagement and meet his former fiancée again.

“The Lady will never be disappointed.”

The jeweler looked at Hadius Meyer with a proud face. But something was strange. The Meyer’s heir wasn’t interested in the jewels for the Grand Princess. His cold eyes were intensely glued elsewhere on the shelves.

The quick-witted jeweler immediately noticed what Hadius Meyer was interested in. He stretched out his arm in that direction. There was a ring. It was an overwhelmingly more luxurious and dazzling ring than any other in the store.

“This is Anastasia, handcrafted by the Montérard’s craftsmen.”

There were dozens of small diamonds embedded in the background of the camellia pattern, and a large sapphire was shining beautifully in the middle.

From a few steps away, Grozhang suddenly turned his head. He could immediately recognize what the deep color signified for his master, and who his master was seeing in the ring. Since Emilie Bern showed up two days ago, his master had been completely out of sorts. It was hard to breathe next to him with the suffocating tension as if he was suppressing something out of difficulty.

It was also the same with the jeweler. He tried not to look strangely at the bewildered, curious-looking Duke Meyer. He then took out the ring with his gloved hand and showed it to him.

“Do you like it?”

A strange thing happened. Hadius Meyer was obviously looking at the ring and had no intention of looking away. But then, he suddenly changed and said, ‘I’m not sure,’ with a sour expression.

“Ah, yes. I see.”

Embarrassed, the jeweler coughed a few times before approaching the assistant on the side.

“How do you like the items?”

“It was all great.”

The box containing the jewels was wrapped in the finest silk and loaded on the carriage. Following them out of the store, the jeweler saw them off with his head down until the carriage of the Meyer family became a dot and disappeared.

Shortly thereafter, another carriage arrived at the jewelry store. It was Eliere, the owner of a fashion house who was also familiar with the jeweler.

“I’m here to buy a present for a special guest. He is also a very precious person who will become my regular sooner or later.”

Who could it be? I heard that the royal messenger from the Birmingham Royal Family will arrive soon, is that person related to the rumor? The jeweler calmly asked while repressing his growing curiosity.

“Please tell me briefly about the recipient of the gift. I will recommend suitable items.”

“She is a woman who will soon be in her twenties. She is a very picky person, so I think it would be better for me to choose it myself.”

Eliere walked slowly through the shelves, picking a few items. In the next moment, he pointed to somewhere.

“I think those things would do.”

It was ‘Anastasia,’ the thing that had disturbed Hadius’ head.